Should I let my DD17 stay at her cousins?

[Confusedandanxiety]

DD is 17. She wants to stay at her cousins also aged 17 for a week, as she hasn't seen her for a year due to covid. She lives about 30 miles away. Her parents are visiting relatives abroad for a month, and her older sister aged 22 is in charge.

My DD is quite strong minded and doesn't follow the crowd. Her cousin drinks alcohol and has boyfriends but my DD doesn't. However they both smoke weed sometimes.

Her cousin was arrested for a fight with another girl earlier this year. My DD says she is a good influence on her cousin and encourages her to walk away from altercations.

We have talked about keeping safe. Her cousin has a curfew of 10pm but I suggested 8pm before it gets dark. I have created a family Uber account, my DD has a bank card, and thought I could ask her to switch on the WhatsApp share location.

At home my DD stays indoors most of the time.
I don't want her to go to her cousins.
I have anxiety disorder and don't know whether my fears are reasonable or due to my anxiety.
I'm worried that if I don't give her any freedom when she is 18 she will go where she wants anyway.

I was going to take her yesterday but turned back as there was a motorway closure and traffic jam. But this was an excuse and I was relieved. My DD was very angry.
She does get angry with me and her older sister aged 21, and bites her own arm when she is very angry. This happens about once a month. It happened yesterday. Before that it happened when her hair was dyed the wrong colour at the hairdresser and she had a crisis when she got home. She doesn't get angry with anyone else. She has had counseling but I intend to refer her to CAMHS.

What should I do? It's not fair for her to miss out on seeing her cousin. But I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable due to my anxiety.

At your daughters age I was running a house hold and caring for my disabled father. You should be encouraging your daughter to be independent, not stifling her development because of your anxiety

You want your 17 yo to be back by 8pm. Please don’t do that , imagine how mortifying it will be for her. She’s 17 not 7

As for your daughter. I would say she requires stricter boundaries not looser ones. She clearly isn’t coping and nor are you.

A counter-argument with just as much credence could be that the frustrations which cause the op's dd to smoke weed and bite herself are as a direct result of the op's anxiety, which leads her to keep her dd on too tight a rein. It is not healthy that according to the op:
At home my DD stays indoors most of the time.
That's not the way to become streetwise and confident.

God, why do some posters have to be so unkind? The OP has explained she has an anxiety disorder and finds it difficult to maintain perspective. This absolutely explains her dilemma. But what the excuse is for the myriad putdowns and personal attacks, I don't know.

OP yes let her go. She needs this opportunity to feel like a normal teen. Yes you can feel worried and anxious but that is your problem, not hers. Please don't share with her how worried you feel or insist she shares her location, that's not appropriate. You need to own your anxiety and let your daughter blossom.

And so what if they miss a bus or stay out bit late or drink some alcohol or smoke some weed? So do millions of others every day. In the big picture these are not worth wasting energy on.

You need to get professional help for your anxiety OP. Its not your fault, lots of people suffer with anxiety, especially around their children, but it is your responsibility to manage it in a way that doesn't have a negative impact on those around you which you are doing right now.

I understand you suffer with anxiety OP so I wont be too harsh.

You are lucky your DD has gone along with it this long, suggesting an 8PM curfew for a 17 year old is ridiculous. Fair enough share locations etc if your DD is happy with it but you have to let go a bit. If it were me at that age then the first chance I would have been off like a shot.

Whattodoaboutnothing I can’t imagine ever being described as a liberal parent.
Structure and explicit boundaries are hugely important. Coercive control is abusive. Using your own illness to set excessive controls isn’t healthy parenting. It’s emotional chains. They are clearly hurting as the daughter is biting herself.

She's 17 for goodness sake!!! I was working and living in another town when I was 17, my parents had no idea what I was doing.

What is the older cousin like is she reliable? Perhaps ring her for a chat to reasure you.
I think the issue is I would not go away and leave my troubled teenage daughter. I have a dd who has had mental health problems and went off the rails a bit at 15 and there is no way I would go abroad leave her. She is 17 now and much better but I still wouldn't leave her.
Your daughter does sound sensible and you should let her go and forget about curfews. You need to trust her and give her a chance to show you she is responsible. Perhaps ask for a text to let you know she is safe at 10pm but I wouldn't expect them to be home by then.
Now my dd is 17, she doesn't have a curfew but she must let me know where she is and roughly what time she is likely to be home. She is far more sensible since I gave her that freedom and let her prove that I can trust her. She actually goes out less and comes home earlier when the choice is hers and im not nagging.

*that should say the issue is the difference between your parenting and cousins parents parenting.

She’s 17.
Seriously OP, have a word with yourself.

You all need therapy. You for anxiety. Eldest for self harm. Youngest for isolation and drug use.

The month thing makes me wonder if hormones are making things worse - if there is a pattern, try making things easier for her at the bad time, ensuring carby snacks are around and cutting her extra slack & giving her a bit of extra love then.

At 17 I went overseas with friends, Op. Not even relatives, but friends my parents had met in passing. Another friend skipped a year in school and was accepted to start at university at 17, so moved 120 miles away from home.

8pm curfew, yet you’re so blasé about her smoking weed?

Loosen. Your. Grip.

I felt suffocated just reading that! I suspect that feeling of suffocation and frustration at the lack of independence she has is what's fuelling your DD's episodes of anger and self harm.

As a PP said, kids dont become adults (except legally) on their 18th birthday. It's a process over time, it's your job as a parent to raise your children to be capable and independent adults BY their 18th birthday, at which point you no longer have any rights over them. Your job then is to guide, support, mentor and pick up the pieces when needed.

So for goodness sake, please start treating her like an adult now, before you lose her.

So she’s 17, her cousin is 17 and there’s a 22 year olds in charge?

I’m not sure what the issue is tbh. I’d let my 16 year old go and stay in these circumstances.

At 17 I had no restrictions from my parents. She's basically an adult and needs to be free to make her own choices and mistakes. Your poor daughter. If you aren't careful you won't have any relationship with her at 18.

The cousin doesn't sound like a good influence but I think you have to let her go. I'm surprised she doesn't make her own way there anyway if it's only 30 miles, there must be buses and trains (you mentioned Uber).

I’ve got a 17 yo.

Virtually no restrictions at all are in place - be nice & do your school work are about all that’s required.

They’re getting ready to be on their own in the world at this age.