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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How do you sleep when your teens are out late?

72 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 27/07/2021 09:51

...and what's an acceptable time for an 18 year old to be home on a work night? I'm finding it hard to strike a balance since my daughter hit 18 - she's understandably wanting to enjoy her summer and see her friends etc, all good. But it seems like it's unheard of for any gathering to finish before 2am which I struggle with as I find it hard to sleep when she's not home safely. She's usually quiet when she comes in but last night it was after 1am and I'm up at 7 for work. Am so exhausted. I struggle to sleep at the best of times so this just adds to my anxiety. What's a reasonable time to expect her to be in? I know she's an adult at 18 but she still lives here so I would expect her to have some boundaries and rules. Advice please!

OP posts:
ChristmasShearwater · 27/07/2021 09:55

We're not at that stage with DD(16) yet but I don't know how I'll sleep then either!

SirVixofVixHall · 27/07/2021 09:57

My Mum would always be half awake if I was out. She would call out “night night” to me when she heard me come in .

Bagelsandbrie · 27/07/2021 09:59

I think you’ll get a range of responses but for balance (as I’m sure I’ll be one of the strictest!) we say dd has to be in by 11pm otherwise she needs to stay at a friends. I have chronic health issues and a Ds with autism aged 9 who wakes at the slightest noise and we just don’t sleep otherwise. Thankfully she doesn’t seem to mind. I don’t charge her any rent or anything- she’s off to university in October- and I do all her washing etc etc so the least she can do is let me sleep!

MyShoelaceIsUndone · 27/07/2021 09:59

At 18 cone and go as they please. I stopped asking where DS was going. He’d left school was working. Didn’t sleep much until he came home, phone on loud just in case.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 27/07/2021 10:16

Hmm ok, a mixture. She has a pretty easy life at home, not expected to do many chores. I feel like the poster who said the least she can do is let me sleep is spot on. But I don't want to be the only super-strict parent amongst her friends. It's not like it's once in a blue moon either, it's a couple of times a week.

OP posts:
AutumnOrange · 27/07/2021 10:18

I think it depends on the child. When ds was 18 he was great at keeping touch - so at 11pm he would say it’s going to be a late one I’ll text you when I am home. His friends were sensible too. Dd 16 (doesn’t stay out late at night) is the same - updates me so no drama.
If I couldn’t sleep until they were home that is my issue not theirs. If they were disrespectful and came home making lots of noise in the early hours then a discussion would be had.
Out of interest, why can’t you sleep until he is home? Is it the area you live? The company he keeps?
At 18 he could be off to university or on holiday for 2 weeks and you wouldn’t know what time he got to bed.
As long as the house is secure & he doesn’t forget his keys then it’s all good as far as I am concerned.

nicknamehelp · 27/07/2021 10:18

I sleep like a log! They text me if plans change and not coming home but otherwise they just come in when they want. They know if a work night to be very quiet or I will wake them as revenge when I get up but otherwise they are now adults.

AutumnOrange · 27/07/2021 10:21

Hang on - she is 18 and not expected to do many chores? Why not?
Why are we constantly infantilising our children?
At 18 my ds contributed with chores and showed himself to be reliable so I didn’t give him a curfew because I knew that he had respect for me.

Wearywithteens · 27/07/2021 10:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 27/07/2021 10:28

@AutumnOrange we have a cleaner and it's easier for me to do her washing in with ours. She sometimes hangs it out or brings it in. She sometimes empties the dishwasher. She has a part time job, doesn't sit around doing nothing every day. I just meant that she doesn't have it bad. I suffer from insomnia and yes I know that's my problem, but her being out late just makes me more anxious.

OP posts:
LizzieMacQueen · 27/07/2021 10:34

Would it help if you left a landing light on which she switches off when she gets in, so you can 'see' she's home without getting up?

AutumnOrange · 27/07/2021 10:36

What are you anxious about op? Maybe it would help if you could break it down?

Ducksurprise · 27/07/2021 10:44

I understand why a pp says home by 11 or stay at friends as there are additional issues, but personally I want them to feel they can always come home. Providing they are quiet you need to deal with your anxiety. She is an adult

cariadlet · 27/07/2021 10:45

I've got an 18 year old dd and there's no curfew now. I expect her to tell me where she's going (just which town or village) and roughly what time she's going to be home (eg not late, last train, 2ish or staying with a friend). I expect her to text me if she's got a change of plan.

I get up early for work and usually fall asleep way before she comes home. I often wake up a few hours later for a middle of the night wee, check her bedroom and if she's not in bed then I check my phone for a text.

We had one time when I got pretty angry because she'd had problems getting a taxi, didn't get home until 4.30 and had been to drunk and/or thoughtless to text me. Otherwise we seem to have a system that works well for both of us.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 27/07/2021 10:57

What are you anxious about op? Maybe it would help if you could break it down?

I wish I knew the answer to that one! Some nights I just have so much crap going round in my head that it becomes impossible to sleep. I have tried every tactic (and drug!) available, and it's not every night that I have a bad night, but when I do it's horrendous.

OP posts:
fairynick · 27/07/2021 11:00

I’m really shocked reading some of the replies. I’m still young, and at 18 did not know of one other person my age having a curfew. I have genuinely never heard it before. It sounds bonkers to me.
Surely 18 is the age where they’re out all the time. How do you even police an adults curfew? Can’t exactly take their phone off them if they break it hahaha

HelloDulling · 27/07/2021 11:05

Is she about to go to university? If she it’s, it’s only another 6 or 7 weeks to go. I’d ask her to stay with a friend when she can but otherwise put up with it.

Oblomov21 · 27/07/2021 11:09

I don't think it's normal to have a time, curfew at 18. You should probably speak to your GP again about your anxiety.
Ds1 is only 17 but incredibly sensible and he doesn't have a curfew. I sleep like a log!

Somarefuser · 27/07/2021 11:10

I slept like a dream, with my phone next to me and the knowledge that they’d ring if there was a problem. There have been a small number of rescues and a few texts updating me on their plans over the years.
No curfews, just that they return in a civilised manner as others were sleeping.

crabbingbucket · 27/07/2021 11:16

I go to bed but put an alarm on to wake me up at a time I'd be worried if she hadn't returned by. Say, 2am.

I dont want to have to stay up but I also don't want to wake up at 7am and find she's not back and I had no idea

Some people just sleep... and I had lived out when I was 16 so my mum had no idea if I was home or not but somehow I can't switch off

crabbingbucket · 27/07/2021 11:17

Buy I don't see how you can expect her to be home at a particular time, she's an adult!

Badtasteflump · 27/07/2021 11:20

I think it's perfectly normal to find it hard to settle when your 'child' - albeit an 18 year old - starts to stay out late. Imo it doesn't mean you are being over anxious. I also agree that if she is being respectful and not disturbing anyone, it's not fair to restrict an 18 year old as they are basically an adult.

All I can offer as some light at the end of the tunnel is my experience - which is that in time you will gradually get used to it and start to fall asleep more easily. It took me a while though! And I suspect that when my younger children start staying out late, my sleeplessness will probably start all over again 😫

DiaryofWimpyMumm · 27/07/2021 11:26

I've just started going to sleep. I have 2 boys one 21 and one 17 year old. I just try make sure I roughly know their plans and who has what key etc but I sleep okay now.

MajesticWhine · 27/07/2021 11:36

I stopped worrying about this a while ago. DD2 is 19. Sometimes it's 2am, 4am or not at all, maybe with a quick text to say she's staying at a friend's. Perhaps you will get used to it?

MydogWillow · 27/07/2021 11:37

I agree with the OP. I'm the same even with DH if he goes out on a rare occasion. I can't explain it either and don't sleep deeply until they are home.