How do you sleep when your teens are out late?

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

...and what's an acceptable time for an 18 year old to be home on a work night? I'm finding it hard to strike a balance since my daughter hit 18 - she's understandably wanting to enjoy her summer and see her friends etc, all good. But it seems like it's unheard of for any gathering to finish before 2am which I struggle with as I find it hard to sleep when she's not home safely. She's usually quiet when she comes in but last night it was after 1am and I'm up at 7 for work. Am so exhausted. I struggle to sleep at the best of times so this just adds to my anxiety. What's a reasonable time to expect her to be in? I know she's an adult at 18 but she still lives here so I would expect her to have some boundaries and rules. Advice please!

@chocolatesaltyballs22

What are you anxious about op? Maybe it would help if you could break it down?

I wish I knew the answer to that one! Some nights I just have so much crap going round in my head that it becomes impossible to sleep. I have tried every tactic (and drug!) available, and it's not every night that I have a bad night, but when I do it's horrendous.

Maybe it would help to find out? Is there other stuff going on in your life that is worrying you? Has something happened in your past that you worry will happen to your dd? Are you worried she will cause trouble? Be led into trouble by others? That something will happen to her? Is all the crap going round in your head just to do with your dd staying out?

Yanbu to be anxious. She is still your child even though she's 18, you don't stop worrying about them over night or love them any less the moment they become an adult.

However YWBU to put these anxieties on her, to try and give an adult a curfew. Your anxieties are yours and for you to manage. Can you imagine if she had a partner who told her to come home early to manage his/her anxieties, you be telling her they were controlling and to run for the hills. Just because it's coming from a place of love with you doesn't make the actions any less controlling.

Of course as an adult she has adult responsibilities and needs to be respectful in not coming in loudly/waking anyone else in the house and always remembering her own key/to lock and secure the house if she is the last one in. If these things don't happen then you could consider a curfew as a consequence of her being disrespectful, but you can't put one in just to appease yourself - that would be effectively punishing her for your feelings.

Mine are in their 20's and I rarely sleep properly until they are home. Obviously they don't have a curfew but I don't tend to sleep deeply until I know they're in (wish I could)

It's so hard - I don't know the answer. For me it was having the Covid vaccination - since I had it I've slept like a log, but before that I was getting quite worn out with DSs late nights, and quite irritated with people complaining about their toddlers early rising. At least their know where their toddler is. It's horrid if you wake up at 3am and they're not home.

I think it's fair for them to text to let you know where they are after a certain time. For me just knowing where DS was helped me sleep.

Somebody up thread said they couldn't see how you could police a curfew on an 18 year old, I did. Pre uni my DC knew I expected them in by 11 on a work day but that they could go out late on a Friday or Saturday. They were the house rules as DH & I needed some sleep so we could work to pay the bills and put them through uni, and to be fair they were also working in summer jobs.
Once they were at uni and only coming home in the holidays we were more relaxed and they just knew to be quiet (but that if they needed a lift they could always call as my phone would wake me). Coming home at 2am drunk and waking up the whole house is not the done thing except on special occasions.
Yesterday DD21 who has come home for a 2 week staycation with her schoolfriend and said she was popping out to a friends for an hour at lunchtime, she returned 6 hours later. She did ask me why I hadn't said anything and my response was that I was busy getting on with my life and I am sure that if she needed me she would have let me know.

Have confidence in them. They’re fine. If they’re not they’ll ring.

I don't fully fall asleep until she gets home but she is always home by midnight or she'll stay over at a friend's if it's later than that.

One thing which helps is DH is always up until 1am anyway and that means I can fall asleep if really tired as I know he'll be up late.

I feel your pain of lack of sleep!! My recently turned 18 making up for the recent lockdowns!!

Very rarely home till 2am….this weekend she left at 7pm on Friday appeared for food/shower at 6pm Saturday….disappeared again till 7am on Monday.
I know where she is, rules are to let me know where she is. Occasionally a few come back to ours and they just chill in living room watching a film. She works mon - fri saving for uni. I think that summer between y13 to uni is the only time you can really do this!

Like you I can’t settle in a deep sleep if she not home. She’s never caused me issue I’ve never had a come pick me up I’m to drunk or been in trouble call - she’s quite sensible really.
Though I miss sleep

I'm not a worrier, is short answer. Sorry.
I do talk to and with them about what could go wrong, problem solving practice, have a plan B in mind, before they do new things.

It helps I had an ... adventurous childhood. I had risk in my young life & I can accept risk in theirs.
But yeah, pleased to report they are pretty resourceful.

@LizzieMacQueen

Would it help if you left a landing light on which she switches off when she gets in, so you can 'see' she's home without getting up?

This is what I do! I have an 18 year old DS, he works part time and is aware of his responsibilities, he doesn’t do a huge amount in the house, mainly washing/clothes washing/general tidying. He is very aware that if he stays out super late he’ll suffer the next day! I do tend to sleep fitfully until the landing light goes off and then I relax. Usual times are 11pmish during the week but anyyyyyyyyy time over the weekend 🤦🏼‍♀️

We do the landing light thing as well! And go to bed with phone rather than leave it downstairs.

You get used to it OP. It's a bit nerve wracking at first. But not their jobs to alleviate parental anxiety.

Request no more than one late night a week?

OP I’m in exactly the same situation. My 18 yr old DD is home from Uni which is lovely but I’m also struggling with her coming home late. I have to be up before 6 in the mornings and I’m not getting enough sleep. I’m not sure what the answer is because I don’t want to be that mum that doesn’t allow her to do what she wants especially when she’s respectful and quiet, and I don’t want her to hate being home in the hols. It’s made me realise what I put my own DM through

I think it's fair enough to 'worry' about whether a family member who shares your home has gotten home safe at night. If my DH went out and I woke up at 2am and he still wasn't back, I'd certainly worry about whether or not he was safe - and he's in his 40s never mind being barely 18! FFS I even like having the cats safe inside before bedtime, so I know they'll still be safe and well the following morning.

You can't set a curfew or police the whereabouts of an adult, though. Just set expectations about disturbing others i.e. come in really bloody quietly if you're returning home after others are asleep.

I like the idea of leaving a landing light on that gets turned off when they come home, so you instantly know whether or not they're back if you stir in the night. Saving that one for when DC are old enough to be out late!

Agree it's YOUR anxiety though and your problem to manage, not theirs. My DM always said she couldn't sleep until she knew I was home safe and I felt constant guilt and like I had to rush home from a night out because it was costing her sleep. I wish she'd kept her feelings to herself on that, at least until after I'd left home.

I do think it's perfectly acceptable, though, to ask family members including adult DC who live with you to pop you a text if they're going to be out crazy late or not come home at all. Just so you know they're OK when you wake up and find them missing. They're family, not a random housemate, and wanting to know they're safe isn't completely unreasonable.

@GoWalkabout

Request no more than one late night a week?

But then where do they go? I'd rather mine knew they can come home than stay on someone's floor/generally out

DD almost 18. I’ve always stayed awake to hear her in. Except this weekend after she worked late, I was so tired and she didn’t get home until 2am. Turns out it was the one night that she didn’t have her key. DH and I were dead to the world with phones on silent. She had to sleep in her car.

I don’t think I’ll ever drop off waiting for her again 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

I find it very difficult, however rather than a set time we have a when can I worry time. So ds will say I will be back no later than 1am, so if he is not then it is ok for me to text him to see if he is ok. He is normally back before the when can I worry time but it means I am not chasing him so he has responsibility. He does text if he is going to be late. I have and continue to try to let go, but it is not easy!

I wear ear plugs so I don’t hear him come in.

And on meds which make me sleep fairly heavily.

But pre 18 when he had a p/t job he used to wake me and tell me he was home and give me a hug.

Other than that I’d open his bedroom door, which he would close when he got in.

It’s difficult though to not worry. I have to remind myself that worrying doesn’t change what’s going to happen or not. And when they leave home it’s a whole new ball game. I try to think that’s it’s a tiny minority of people that something bad happens, and the chances are remote.

I mean, I could fall down the stairs this evening and die. Or I probably won’t, but thinking about it and worrying won’t change that outcome.

I turn my phone onto do not disturb when I go to bed. My ds1 & 2 are tagged as such that it will always ring (except if it’s out of charge!)

I have a method but it's a bit woo. Not there yet with my children as too small but as a first time mum I used to lay awake for hours afraid to sleep in case something happened. What worked for me was realising that I needed to "pass the worry on" to someone else. I used to mentally ask my dear nan who had passed away to watch over the baby and keep them safe while I slept. I know this isn't for everyone and it may sound nuts but it helped me feel like I had done something with all the anxiety inside me.

@ItsallBollocksanyway

I have a method but it's a bit woo. Not there yet with my children as too small but as a first time mum I used to lay awake for hours afraid to sleep in case something happened. What worked for me was realising that I needed to "pass the worry on" to someone else. I used to mentally ask my dear nan who had passed away to watch over the baby and keep them safe while I slept. I know this isn't for everyone and it may sound nuts but it helped me feel like I had done something with all the anxiety inside me.

Awww. I definitely need to manage my anxiety. I tried to explain it to her this morning as I know she's sensible, but it's hard to put into words. You don't know until you're a parent.

DD will be 18 in October.
No curfew really. We're in Italy and it's summer. She tends to be back by about 2 but there will be loads of parties, sleeping on the beach all nighters etc coming up.
Unless it's an all nighter I wait up. Not because I have to- I'm a teacher and we're done anyway.
The only rule which is unbreakable is that she texts me every half hour or so. I have a WA thread full of "alive" and rolly-eyed emojis.
In winter, at the weekends she's home by about 1.

I've just had this discussion with DS1 who is 17.

Problem is they/we've gone from a 15/16 year old, just starting to go out to parties, and still being picked up at 11pm, 16 months effectively of lockdown, to a 17 year old wanting to be out every night.

I completely get where he's coming from, but it was just such a jump and no build up. He's set up an Uber account, and I'm doing the landing light thing, but I'm still struggling to sleep until he's in.

I'm also recovering from Covid, so I really need my sleep right now!

Well you'll all be totally shocked by me! My eldest is 22 and ... has a curfew

I'm a light sleeper and don't wish to be woken up by her at 3am so I ask her to be home by midnight. If she can't be or doesn't want to be, she stays with her friends. She's also a police officer so of course I don't apply a curfew there and have to accept that I'll be woken up and that's fine

Anyway, it works for us. It's not about me wanting her back home at a certain time because I'm some sort of controlling mummy monster but because it's all about respect isn't it? She's an adult living at home and we all have to be respectful of each other

Anyway she's just bought her own place so will be moving out next month but I can honestly say that it's worked well for us

Friend simply locked her noisy crashing drunken teens out; they had to be home by midnight or not come in until after 6am. Their problem to sort out the inbetween hours.