How do you sleep when your teens are out late?

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

...and what's an acceptable time for an 18 year old to be home on a work night? I'm finding it hard to strike a balance since my daughter hit 18 - she's understandably wanting to enjoy her summer and see her friends etc, all good. But it seems like it's unheard of for any gathering to finish before 2am which I struggle with as I find it hard to sleep when she's not home safely. She's usually quiet when she comes in but last night it was after 1am and I'm up at 7 for work. Am so exhausted. I struggle to sleep at the best of times so this just adds to my anxiety. What's a reasonable time to expect her to be in? I know she's an adult at 18 but she still lives here so I would expect her to have some boundaries and rules. Advice please!

You have to let it go OP. It’s part of her gaining her independence. It’s so hard, especially with the eldest. I had many sleepless nights with mine. Now I’ve got two grown up children, it’s fine. I go to bed and go to sleep. Good luck.

Ds is 19, home from uni for the summer after living away during term time. He’d look at me like he had two heads if I gave him a curfew! His first proper night out (he was at college, so probably age 16) I was a bit unsettled, but other than that it’s been fine. He lets me know if he’ll be way later than planned, or if he’s staying out, but that’s it. I do have occasional anxiety, and that can keep me up for myriad reasons, but that’s really not his problem.

It's not about me wanting her back home at a certain time because I'm some sort of controlling mummy monster but because it's all about respect isn't it? She's an adult living at home and we all have to be respectful of each other

Except it is you being controlling because you want her back by that time for your benefit, because you can't settle your anxieties otherwise, that's not her problem

Her being respectful of you would be coming in quietly so as to not wake you up and texting you if she wasn't coming home at all so you'd know not to worry if she wasn't there in the morning.

You aren't being respectful of her agency or her right to have her own lift at all.

You can say it's worked for you all you want but I'd be highly surprised if there isn't some kind of resentment there.

@Iknowtheanswer

I've just had this discussion with DS1 who is 17.

Problem is they/we've gone from a 15/16 year old, just starting to go out to parties, and still being picked up at 11pm, 16 months effectively of lockdown, to a 17 year old wanting to be out every night.

I completely get where he's coming from, but it was just such a jump and no build up. He's set up an Uber account, and I'm doing the landing light thing, but I'm still struggling to sleep until he's in.

I'm also recovering from Covid, so I really need my sleep right now!

I'm in the same place! One minute dd was 16 and there was a curfew and no meet up rule and all of a sudden she's 17 and all rules have stopped. It's like 0 - 70 mph and is taking a bit of getting used to, especially now school is out. She apparently is the only one whose parents ask how they are getting home! I'm not keen on her wandering the streets alone late at night, it's not the time itself that bothers me. It's caused some ructions but I have listened and tried not to put my worries on her.

I find this difficult, op. This thread has reminded me I need to not project my own anxieties onto DC.

It's not the being out late as such, it's the how are they getting back. What do people's teens do? Start using taxis/Ubers? We live in a safe ish area but it's also really quiet and I hate to think of DD walking about late on her own.

@donenowplease I'm not anxious. I just don't want my kids waking me up at whatever time they feel like rolling in .

And you'll have to be surprised as the poor child couldn't care less

I feel your pain OP. DD is 21 and has just graduated so home for the summer until she goes back to do a masters. Naturally she’s out all hours but I still find it so hard to sleep until she’s home. I know this is my problem but I simply can’t do anything about it. We have one rule and that’s she’ll text me if she’s staying out and this hasn’t been agreed beforehand.

My mum would set her alarm for 3am and come and pick me up from the clubs. This standard now means I'll probably have to do the same...😂

I slept through DS1 v sensible but out v late from 18 onwards and to a much lesser extent DS2 now 21 but not v streetwise. DS1 left home at 20 but still texts me every morning. DS2 on holiday in London so I am a bit anxious but nothing in the world is made better by lack of sleep so I have “trained “ myself to go to sleep

Personally I'd have an in-week curfew of 12.30am, and then noncurfew on the weekend. People saying they're an adult now - yes, but it's still your house. Your house, your rules. If they don't like it, well they know the alternative!

@Alannawhorideslikeaman

Personally I'd have an in-week curfew of 12.30am, and then noncurfew on the weekend. People saying they're an adult now - yes, but it's still your house. Your house, your rules. If they don't like it, well they know the alternative!

This is exactly what we've landed on, except it's midnight during the week. I do kinda think that they can't expect to do WHATEVER they want when they have an easy life at home rent free.

To the poster who asked how they get home: Uber is their friend. I was nervous at first when she started using Uber, but they are very safe.

@LizzieMacQueen I love the landing light idea!

I go to sleep & both kids have to text when they come home so when I wake up in the night I can see they are home without them having to wake me up.
They often do accidentally wake me up but I’m usually so tired I fall back to sleep immediately. No curfew for either of them - they are 17 & 21.

@ladygracie

I go to sleep & both kids have to text when they come home so when I wake up in the night I can see they are home without them having to wake me up. They often do accidentally wake me up but I’m usually so tired I fall back to sleep immediately. No curfew for either of them - they are 17 & 21.

Yes this is our house. DD turned 18 in March, after the initial shock of her deciding she was her own person, she also realised that it's not so cut and dried and we are in a transitioning period.

I relaxed and she texts me when she's home. She has her Snapchat map on so I can see where she is if I were to be concerned or interested to know where she is. I rarely check it but the option is there.

@lljkk

Friend simply locked her noisy crashing drunken teens out; they had to be home by midnight or not come in until after 6am. Their problem to sort out the inbetween hours.

Absolutely awful.

At 18 they're adults,but not unreasonable to have house rules like coming in quietly and not waking the whole house up.

This is tough, and I understand.

As a teen my dad stayed up until I was home regardless of the time.

I only have. 9yo so am years away but am a very light sleeper and even if my partner is out without me I don't sleep properly until he is home.

Maybe you can agree a time home, explain that it's affect your sleep and suggest if it's a really late one she stay at a friends?

I don't think my parents ever went to sleep until I got home and I didn't leave home until I was 24. Tbh, I found it quite strange once I'd moved in with DH as if I went out he never stayed awake so if I hadn't made it home he'd have had no idea until the morning.
I'm another one who's not able to rest until my DS is in the house. When he's home from Uni, he has a bar job with unknown finish times so I find myself tossing and turning until he's home. I have no idea what he's up to when at Uni but that doesn't stop me worrying when he's here.

I find I forget my 18 year old isn't even at home. He's very sensible. I sleep through.

The 15 year old is not sensible. He keeps me up. After too many incidents, he has to be home by 10 until he stops behaving like an idiot. We are very generous with rides at 10 but not a moment later. About twice a year they "camp." I don't sleep those nights very well at all.

I dont sleep if mine are our. My brain always thinks the worst.

During the week I ask that they are home by 12.30am as I need sleep before work. At the weekend aslong as they give me a rough time they will be home or even a text to let me know where they are then it's fine.

My mum never slept when we were out either though I always gave her a phonecall from the closest pay phone... I'm showing my age! 🤣

DSS is almost 18. The rule is that he lets us know if he ends up staying at a friends, and that he comes in quietly so as not to disturb the rest of the household.

We are quite relaxed though, and I feel that he and his friends are generally quite a sensible bunch who look out for each other.

He knows he can call at any time if he needs us, and any mates are also welcome to stay over as long as they are also quiet coming in.

We also have him on find my iPhone, so can always look on there where he is (he does know this)

I have a 19 year old and to be honest I have got used to him being out and about now and have no trouble getting to sleep.
I do tend to wake in the night though and if he's not back I can't really get back to sleep.
This is why I am looking forward to him moving into halls when he goes to uni Then I can get a good nights sleep and have quality time with him when he comes home for visits!