Other mum wants to stop DD16 seeing her DD also 16

[AnnaBellaCruella]

Just wondered what others thought. DD16 has known one of her friends since primary. Not particularly close but part of wider friendship group. We’ve had issues recently with DD experimenting with drinking here and there and smoking some weed. We’ve obviously said she shouldn’t be doing that kind of stuff and had conversations about the dangers of these behaviours, we’ve kept things calm as I want to ensure lines of communication are open and we maintain a good relationship.

I had a text from mum of DD’s friend (also 16) earlier who basically said she’s having a few problems with her DD who has been stealing money from her and lying about her whereabouts. She said she felt taking ‘hard line approach’ was appropriate and her DD is grounded and not allowed to hang around with bad influences which include my DD.

Obviously it’s entirely her choice how she wants to parent her child, but given they are 16 is this a bit OTT? I feel this is more appropriate for a younger teen maybe?

Christ, i was working full time at 16!

I say good luck to her if she thinks a 16 yr old is going to listen to her and stay away from friends just because she says so!

I feel for her, tbh. Who wants their 16 year old mixing in a group that's doing that? She's probably on a hiding to nothing but I don't blame her for trying to do something about it.

Her DD has been stealing, among other things. Of course she's going to do something about it.

You leave her to parent her kid, and you parent your own. There's more than one way to skin a cat.

Everyone parents differently. You're taking a soft approach, hers is hard. Wait a few years and you'll see which worked out.

Not OTT at all. She lives under her roof, she can set the rules

Well the two now know they cannot see each other, so nothing else that can be done really. Once the other girl is allowed back out how is her mum going to monitor her DD so that she isn't hanging around certain people? Especially as her DD has form for lying about her whereabouts.

I doubt it was only your DD in the friendship group experimenting with drink and weed as it's really unusual for them to experiment alone.

I wonder what her DD was stealing money for.

Well, I wouldn't go down the grounding route personally, but I would definitely be trying to discourage my dd from hanging around with yours. Pointing out the shit choices that your dd is making and helping her to see that she is better off putting some distance between them etc. You can't really control what they do at that age imo, but if you have a strong relationship, you can still have a lot of influence.

I've seen far too many young people with mental health issues that are triggered or exacerbated by weed to be relaxed about it. You sound a bit too relaxed for my liking, which is another reason why I would want my dd to stay away.

Agree with pp. I'd want my dd to distance herself.

Stealing and lying need stamping out immediately. If your dd knew her friend was doing that to her mum, she needs a serious talking to. Think she wouldn't do it to you as well? I think your friend's mum has it right tbh.

I would guess that if she is able to ground her 16 year old (and the 16 year old has accepted this) then her 16 year old isn’t as mature as other 16 year olds and perhaps needs a bit more firm guidance right now than others of that age.

Obviously it’s entirely her choice how she wants to parent her child, but given they are 16 is this a bit OTT? I feel this is more appropriate for a younger teen maybe?

Tbh I’m not sure why you care how she parents her teen?

@MotionActivatedDog

I would guess that if she is able to ground her 16 year old (and the 16 year old has accepted this) then her 16 year old isn’t as mature as other 16 year olds and perhaps needs a bit more firm guidance right now than others of that age.

Obviously it’s entirely her choice how she wants to parent her child, but given they are 16 is this a bit OTT? I feel this is more appropriate for a younger teen maybe?

Tbh I’m not sure why you care how she parents her teen?

I don’t care how she parents her teen, just thought it was odd contacting me

I agree OP. I would think it odd too especially as the two girls don’t seem to be in the same close friendship group. It strikes me that the mother might be looking for someone to blame for her daughter supposedly being led down the wrong path. The mother could be right, her DD could be unduly influenced by friends. But just as easily the DD might have chosen to go down the path wholeheartedly herself.

You asked for an answer to a simple question: what ido we think of the situation. I really don’t agree with others on here criticising your parenting style. There are different parenting styles and not every parenting style suits every child or situation. Some posters seem awfully quick to judge without knowing the full background in my opinion.

@flapperdapper

I agree OP. I would think it odd too especially as the two girls don’t seem to be in the same close friendship group. It strikes me that the mother might be looking for someone to blame for her daughter supposedly being led down the wrong path. The mother could be right, her DD could be unduly influenced by friends. But just as easily the DD might have chosen to go down the path wholeheartedly herself.

You asked for an answer to a simple question: what ido we think of the situation. I really don’t agree with others on here criticising your parenting style. There are different parenting styles and not every parenting style suits every child or situation. Some posters seem awfully quick to judge without knowing the full background in my opinion.

Thank you!

You should support the decision made by the other mum for her DD. Even if you think it is harsh or not what you would do.

@newnortherner111

You should support the decision made by the other mum for her DD. Even if you think it is harsh or not what you would do.

Yes I do support her and will therefore contact her straight away if her DD turns up at ours

Contacting other parents to explain limits, is EXACTLY what we did (and expected other parents to reciprocate.) as long as our kids were in school and living at home.

She sounds like a good mum.

Has your dd also been stealing to get money for alcohol and weed? Maybe she’s been encouraging the other girl to do the same.

At 16, my dd was grounded for a month when she was found drunk in the park by a police officer and brought home🤣🤣

I would be very unhappy for my daughter (if I had one) to be socialising with a drug user. Especially if my daughter was starting to go off the rails too.

She is explaining to you gently that your DD is out of control and heading down a route to self destruction, and you are allowing it.

She is continuing to act as a parent, a role you appear to have abdicated

I don't blame her. I did with dd1 when I caught her taking drugs at 16. She was grounded for six months, she was also sneaking in to raves. Whilst she was grounded she found a part time job and we spent a lot of time talking. She cut some of those friends out.

I have family members who are drug addicts, I know women that have died from taking drugs, I was sexually assaulted whilst pissed at 18.

Most kids will experiment but they need to know that you have a zero tolerance for drugs and underage drinking - especially young girls as they are extremely vulnerable.

What I realised is that 16 years olds are expert liars, so whilst your dd might be telling you one thing it might actually be not true and the same for the other girl. So thats why the other mother has closed ranks and wants your dd gone.

@EverNapping

I would be very unhappy for my daughter (if I had one) to be socialising with a drug user. Especially if my daughter was starting to go off the rails too.

Secondary teacher here. This exactly. The OPs dd is the worst possible influence on other teens, not only because of her behaviour, but also because her parents are weakly colluding with it

Any parent worth their salt will be taking steps to remove their children from this girls sphere of influence

The usual rhetoric that you get from parents who are very permissive with their kids around drugs and alcohol is that the kids will do it anyway and they'd rather know what their kids are doing than not. I think they're kidding themselves tbh, but I reckon it makes them feel better.

Sorry OP but I wouldn't want your daughter around mine either. Regardless of age, her daughter is more likely to get into drugs/drink if her friend is a druggie and teens aren't known for keeping their parents in the loop.