Other mum wants to stop DD16 seeing her DD also 16

[AnnaBellaCruella]

Just wondered what others thought. DD16 has known one of her friends since primary. Not particularly close but part of wider friendship group. We’ve had issues recently with DD experimenting with drinking here and there and smoking some weed. We’ve obviously said she shouldn’t be doing that kind of stuff and had conversations about the dangers of these behaviours, we’ve kept things calm as I want to ensure lines of communication are open and we maintain a good relationship.

I had a text from mum of DD’s friend (also 16) earlier who basically said she’s having a few problems with her DD who has been stealing money from her and lying about her whereabouts. She said she felt taking ‘hard line approach’ was appropriate and her DD is grounded and not allowed to hang around with bad influences which include my DD.

Obviously it’s entirely her choice how she wants to parent her child, but given they are 16 is this a bit OTT? I feel this is more appropriate for a younger teen maybe?

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

Um...no we haven't all done this at 16. At 16 I was going to college and working. I've never taken drugs and the vast majority of my friends haven't either. The few that did smoke pot etc have done nothing with their lives and are still addicts.

Pretend it's normal if it makes you feel better but don't assume others have the same low standards.

Exactly. The vast majority of teenagers do NOT behave like this.

However it is very common for the small minority who do, or whose children do, to attempt to minimise and normalise it by trying to convince themselves that it is normal, when it isn’t

I think I’d have done at least the same. I wouldn’t want mine hanging around with anyone whose family normalised drug taking. The odd cider or glass of Gavi is very different from disappearing off with a weed smoking group.

I’m more likely to have hung drawn and quartered than talked about it gently.

I think she has behaved sensibly trying to control what could v well be a slippery slope.

So DD has been reasonably well behaved, even got a part time job this week.

DD’s friend turned up at our house earlier and as promised I texted her mum to let her know. Next thing I know they’ve run off down the street and mum is beeping horn and shouting out of the window at her DD to get in.

Of course she’s just laughed and run away. It’s all a bit embarrassing really, hope my neighbours are out

What did the other mum expect. They're 16 not 12. Of course her dd will rebel to a certain extent.

I think a lot of parents are totally deluded about what their dc and other teenagers get up to.

Open lines of communication and maintaining a relationship are far more important IMO than coming across all hard parenting and shouting at your dd to get in the car

So you've just left Thelma and Louise run off in to the sunset in glee, whilst watching a mother who's clearly at her wits end, hoping she is embarrassed and the neighbours were out in force to see 🙄

Niiiiiiiiice. 👍🏻

@AlexaShutUp

Well, I wouldn't go down the grounding route personally, but I would definitely be trying to discourage my dd from hanging around with yours. Pointing out the shit choices that your dd is making and helping her to see that she is better off putting some distance between them etc. You can't really control what they do at that age imo, but if you have a strong relationship, you can still have a lot of influence.

I've seen far too many young people with mental health issues that are triggered or exacerbated by weed to be relaxed about it. You sound a bit too relaxed for my liking, which is another reason why I would want my dd to stay away.

I agree that the parent should try and stop these kids mingling, but, stealing and lying in my view is worse than experimenting with booze or weed. You write as if the OPs daughter is the ringleader when in fact it could've the grounded girl thats been encouraging others by supplying the booze and weed from money she stole. The OP makes no mention of her child was also stealing and lying, or, who her child claims is the instigator

You might be relaxed with drink and drugs but other mum is trying to protect her dd against peer pressure and bad influences. Not sure what good it will do but I don’t blame her.

although I don’t feel the need to blame others or involve parents at the age of 16!

So do you retire from parenting when the child turns 16?

You sound like a shot parent tbh, I’d stop my DD hanging out with yours too.

Shit*

Well assuming that her DD had her phone removed when grounded, it would appear she has come to yours off her own back you did the right thing telling her.

Not sure how you were expected to keep them locked in. If she won't stop for her mum, not sure how it is your fault.

I've only read page one but the op's daughter has had some drink and smoked a bit of weed. The other girl has been stealing; she may have smoked weed and drank too but not been caught however stealing is quite serious. I don't see how her mother can infer that the op's daughter is a 'bad influence', it could be the other way around.

I do agree that parenting styles differ according to the personalities involved and neither is wrong, but looking for someone to blame, ie 'bad influence' is not very helpful. I remember my mother trying to cut me off from people who she felt were negatively influencing me, other parents thought I was the bad one! Actually none of us were that bad, we were just teenagers.

Don't think any more about it, op, just concentrate on your daughter.

@kerryblue

What did the other mum expect. They're 16 not 12. Of course her dd will rebel to a certain extent.

I think a lot of parents are totally deluded about what their dc and other teenagers get up to.

Open lines of communication and maintaining a relationship are far more important IMO than coming across all hard parenting and shouting at your dd to get in the car

Well exactly. We all have to do what’s best for our children but of course we are all different in our approach. I know from experience coming down hard and heavy handed on my DD a couple of years ago just pushed her in to worse behaviour and we had no trust or communication.

It’s then as parents we have to adapt and apply strategies that are effective. We have strong boundaries, but I really do choose my battles and as a result we now have a lot of openness and honesty and good communication.

Very bloody rude to text you and tell you your DD is a bad influence. Presumably you've known this mum over a decade if they were friends at primary school.