Other mum wants to stop DD16 seeing her DD also 16

[AnnaBellaCruella]

Just wondered what others thought. DD16 has known one of her friends since primary. Not particularly close but part of wider friendship group. We’ve had issues recently with DD experimenting with drinking here and there and smoking some weed. We’ve obviously said she shouldn’t be doing that kind of stuff and had conversations about the dangers of these behaviours, we’ve kept things calm as I want to ensure lines of communication are open and we maintain a good relationship.

I had a text from mum of DD’s friend (also 16) earlier who basically said she’s having a few problems with her DD who has been stealing money from her and lying about her whereabouts. She said she felt taking ‘hard line approach’ was appropriate and her DD is grounded and not allowed to hang around with bad influences which include my DD.

Obviously it’s entirely her choice how she wants to parent her child, but given they are 16 is this a bit OTT? I feel this is more appropriate for a younger teen maybe?

Part of what she is saying is an implicit criticism of you as a parent, in addition to the explicit criticism of your dd. I wouldn't like it either. It could be that her dd is a 'bad influence' on yours rather than the other way round.

Yes, you have different parenting styles. Nothing wrong with that. Good luck to both girls, I say. The teenage years are not easy.

@MrsSquirrel

Part of what she is saying is an implicit criticism of you as a parent, in addition to the explicit criticism of your dd. I wouldn't like it either. It could be that her dd is a 'bad influence' on yours rather than the other way round.

Yes, you have different parenting styles. Nothing wrong with that. Good luck to both girls, I say. The teenage years are not easy.

Well exactly, in someways they are both as bad as each other, and as you say there’s nothing wrong with having different parenting styles, although I don’t feel the need to blame others or involve parents at the age of 16!

I also know I’m not the only parent that has been contacted so that does make me feel slightly better!

@MrsSquirrel

Part of what she is saying is an implicit criticism of you as a parent, in addition to the explicit criticism of your dd. I wouldn't like it either. It could be that her dd is a 'bad influence' on yours rather than the other way round.

Yes, you have different parenting styles. Nothing wrong with that. Good luck to both girls, I say. The teenage years are not easy.

Different parenting styles? One girl is being parented and one isn’t

0None0

Sorry? What on earth are talking about?

@0None0

She is explaining to you gently that your DD is out of control and heading down a route to self destruction, and you are allowing it.

She is continuing to act as a parent, a role you appear to have abdicated

😂

If other parents have been contacted it sounds like this mum is really concerned about her daughter and is making sure she can’t see any of her friends. There is perhaps more going on there than you are aware of OP.

@MotionActivatedDog

If other parents have been contacted it sounds like this mum is really concerned about her daughter and is making sure she can’t see any of her friends. There is perhaps more going on there than you are aware of OP.

Yes I think you’re right, she was really disappointed with her DD’s GCSE grades recently and I get the impression things weren’t too good in school (different school to my DD), then the stealing money (it was over £100 which had been put aside for something, I don’t think any boys are on the scene (although I obviously can’t be entirely sure), I think there was a general issue with trust and lying about her whereabouts etc, so possibly a lot is going on and has been for some time, I hope it all gets sorted, she’s a lovely girl.

@AnnaBellaCruella

0None0

Sorry? What on earth are talking about?

You are taking no responsibility for your daughter at all. You appear to have no authority over her. You are playing at being her friend. You are not her friend. You are supposed to be her parent. You are allowing stupid, , self destructive behaviour, including putting herself in contact with criminals, people smugglers abs slave owners, which is how most of the uk cannabis industry is run.

You are excusing this atrocious lack boundaries and authority by referring to it as your ‘parenting style’. It isn’t a ‘parenting style’ it is a complete failure of parenting.

Where do you think this is leading, exactly?

I have a child who when he gets to 16, will very likely require a similar level of “guidance”. He just won’t be able to make smart decisions the same way other 16 year olds will. He’s an all or nothing kind of kid and so impressionable. I do predict having to be very involved in his friendships unfortunately.

You seem to be missing the point completely OP.
If I thought a child was such a bad influence I'd basically tell ds's that they weren't to associate with them anymore. Fortunately I haven't needed to do this.

You're not her friend. Your her parent. So start parenting.

Text her back saying

Im pleased you messaged first I was thinking exactly the same. I don't think it's a good idea for the girls to mix

@omgthepain

Text her back saying

Im pleased you messaged first I was thinking exactly the same. I don't think it's a good idea for the girls to mix

Good idea!

@Oblomov21

You seem to be missing the point completely OP. If I thought a child was such a bad influence I'd basically tell ds's that they weren't to associate with them anymore. Fortunately I haven't needed to do this.

You're not her friend. Your her parent. So start parenting.

No. Not missing the point at all, just taking a different approach. I know my DD fairly well and from experience know what strategies will be effective and which ones not. If you have nothing helpful to say why post? Just because others have a different approach doesn’t mean they miss the point. Do you think you’re this superior in RL? Or maybe just rude online because you can be

@AlexaShutUp

The usual rhetoric that you get from parents who are very permissive with their kids around drugs and alcohol is that the kids will do it anyway and they'd rather know what their kids are doing than not. I think they're kidding themselves tbh, but I reckon it makes them feel better.

Ha ha, love the way you start your post with ‘secondary teacher here’ like that means anything

Oops sorry wrong poster 😉

OP has asked for some thoughts on a situation. She is being very reasonable. We know very little about OPs parenting style - but she obviously is parenting and has concerns or she wouldn't be here.
No need for the knee jerk reactions

@smackeroonies

OP has asked for some thoughts on a situation. She is being very reasonable. We know very little about OPs parenting style - but she obviously is parenting and has concerns or she wouldn't be here. No need for the knee jerk reactions

Thank you, I’d forgotten how judgemental this place is and realise it’s always a mistake to post asking for thoughts or advice. I don’t think I’ll read anymore comments!

@AnnaBellaCruella I was destroyed on a thread a few days ago asking advice on a matter which is causing me distress. It felt really horrible - I was actually in tears. I was saved by another lovely poster.

Hold the front page. 16yo drinks and smokes weed.

I think the woman was rude. If she wanted to get your back up and stop you supporting her that was the way to do it. I'd ignore her. I wouldn't do her parenting for her so if her dd socialises with your dd would you even notice?

I think a softer approach is reasonable. But can you hold back on her going out with this crowd for a bit and encourage her to spend time with others. Possibly best to keep better tabs on her but equally if she's doing OK at school and not in danger then all good.

It's possible as another poster said that the other parent is looking for someone to blame (or even that her DD has been blaming your DD for her behaviour). We can't really know why she messaged beyond possibly as a heads up in case her DD ends up your way (wouldn't be the first person in that sort behaviour to hook up with old/farther out friends).

I don't think its OTT parents, especially when what you've listed is likely just the tip of the iceberg of what's been going on with the other child. How effective it is will be to be seen, but for every story of people saying their parents too hard discipline drove them to rebel harder, you get those to tell stories that their parents didn't really do much on the issues. There is always a risk when trying to handle issues like these with teenagers.

Why you picking on me OP?
"Do you think you’re this superior in RL? Or maybe just rude online because you can be"

Many posted have said similar.

@AnnaBellaCruella

Oops sorry wrong poster 😉

I specified that I am a secondary teacher to emphasise that I have seen literally hundreds and hundreds of young people come up against these hazards.

Many survive and move on towards a successful adult hood.

Some don’t. Some wreck their health, education and life chances. Mostly the unfortunate offspring off so called ‘parents’ who opt out if actual parenting, play at being the friend of their teenager rather than exerting any sort of control or boundaries, do nothing whatsoever about the situation, and pretend that’s a positive parenting decision

10/20 years later, these are the ones still hanging round doing nothing, going nowhere, no qualifications, police record, etc

@smackeroonies

OP has asked for some thoughts on a situation. She is being very reasonable. We know very little about OPs parenting style - but she obviously is parenting and has concerns or she wouldn't be here. No need for the knee jerk reactions

She’s asked for thought on the situation, but doesn’t actually like the thoughts she(?) is getting.

She is not here because she has concerns, she is here in an attempt to look for validation for her ‘parenting style’ - which is basically don’t bother to do anything at all. And pretend that’s an actual positive choice

Oh golly OP in terms of your DD I wouldn’t say she’s a bad influence as let’s be honest we’ve all done this at 16, I say this having done it and also having a DSS who is now 18!
I think it’s very judgmental of that said parent to be putting your DD into the “bad influence” group as she’s chosen herself to steal Money off her mum no one else.

I’d ignore the message personally… I’d delete it and keep doing what your doing with your DD. With my DSS the fact he could be open about drink / drugs was a huge turning point as he knew he wasn’t being judged nor grounded nor criticised.

Um...no we haven't all done this at 16. At 16 I was going to college and working. I've never taken drugs and the vast majority of my friends haven't either. The few that did smoke pot etc have done nothing with their lives and are still addicts.

Pretend it's normal if it makes you feel better but don't assume others have the same low standards.