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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS attacked me tonight

65 replies

beefbaguette · 13/07/2021 21:33

DS is 14 and is having a shit time lately. He has ADHD and his anxiety is so bad that he hasn't been to school in two months. He's scared of local kids, doesn't really have any friends and barely sees other kids his own age. He has issues with his anger, and has done from an early age.

Tonight he was screaming at the PC so I refused to extend his screen time to allow him to finish a tournament. He flipped his lid and started pushing me.

His Dad wants me to call the police. I see a very sad, isolated boy who lost control and doesn't deserve to have this on his record - I don't want to call the police, basically.

Would you call the police?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 13/07/2021 21:35

No, not if he only pushed you - assuming this is out of character. I would leave him to calm down then speak to him calmly about what happened and why.

WillowGrand · 13/07/2021 21:36

I absolutely wouldn’t no. His dad doesn’t sound very supportive either…

I think I would however insist on sorting out some counselling because it can’t carry on this way.

Mzy123 · 13/07/2021 22:02

No I wouldn't. He sounds like he is having a tough time and agree with others that you need to speak to him tomorrow when he has calmed down and tell him that his behaviour is not acceptable. I think phoning the police is over the top.

dad11122 · 13/07/2021 22:12

What outcome does your partner want from contacting police?

Bluntness100 · 13/07/2021 22:13

No of course not. Calling the police won’t help. It is too extreme.

HalzTangz · 13/07/2021 22:14

I wouldn't call the police to get him in trouble but maybe talking to the police to see if they can have a word about what could happen if he has these outbursts on others may calm him a little.

Silkiecats · 13/07/2021 22:16

No

PickleAF · 13/07/2021 22:16

On a different note - what would be the boundary crossing that would make you want to call the police? Sometimes when people are heavily involved in a situation it can be tough to have hard boundaries of acceptable behaviour - you sound very empathetic towards your DS, but if you think from your DH point of view he may have a totally different idea of what is acceptable, and be concerned that the violence is already too much. You've mentioned he started pushing you, but not the level of force or what you did to calm him down? Your DH may be concerned that next time (if it happens) could be worse.

honkytonkheroe · 13/07/2021 22:17

No, definitely not. Once in the hands of the police, they could press charges and it could be taken out of your hands. I see many cases where this happens and charges continue without the original complainants statement. Think very carefully before you go down that road.

PepperPepperMan · 13/07/2021 22:23

No, not this time. And I say that as a parent that has called the police many times and received lots of support from SS and other agencies off the back of doing so.

Are things calm again now? The cold iron approach works well. The biggest thing is becoming a team together.

RunningFromInsanity · 13/07/2021 22:23

Interesting responses.
Would you call the police if your partner was having a tough time and pushed you?

PepperPepperMan · 13/07/2021 22:24

@RunningFromInsanity

Interesting responses. Would you call the police if your partner was having a tough time and pushed you?
Pushed? No
PepperPepperMan · 13/07/2021 22:26

And two adults isn't the same as a struggling teen and his mum.

stayathomer · 13/07/2021 22:27

How is he now OP, have you been able to talk to him? You said he's afraid of the people in the locality, is this a sensory thing or are you in a rough neighbourhood? Do you have someone you and he are in contact with like a counsellor? Also a band aid, maybe, but can you all go away for a day's hike or to pitch and putt or to the beach or something like thats he can have some fun time? (These are just suggestions, I'm not a professional or anything)

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 13/07/2021 22:28

No. He sounds desperately unhappy, poor soul, what help is he getting?

ChubbyLittleManInACampervan · 13/07/2021 22:29

Sounds like he’s miserable, and missing a tournament is a big deal, as you have to keep winning to go up a level, so that would have been hard

He needs help/support with life and friendships, not punishment imo

AddsVsGeorgs · 13/07/2021 22:30

A push or attacked you?

Two very different things

Original poster
beefbaguette · 13/07/2021 22:37

@dad11122

What outcome does your partner want from contacting police?
Text from ex partner, who is frankly a knob, re calling the police. When he talks about "taking this shit" he is referring to DS' meltdowns, which can be awful but have not been violent towards me before.
DS attacked me tonight
OP posts:
Original poster
beefbaguette · 13/07/2021 22:37

@PickleAF

On a different note - what would be the boundary crossing that would make you want to call the police? Sometimes when people are heavily involved in a situation it can be tough to have hard boundaries of acceptable behaviour - you sound very empathetic towards your DS, but if you think from your DH point of view he may have a totally different idea of what is acceptable, and be concerned that the violence is already too much. You've mentioned he started pushing you, but not the level of force or what you did to calm him down? Your DH may be concerned that next time (if it happens) could be worse.
Several pushes, and then tried to take my phone and there was a struggle over that.
OP posts:
Original poster
beefbaguette · 13/07/2021 22:39

@PepperPepperMan

No, not this time. And I say that as a parent that has called the police many times and received lots of support from SS and other agencies off the back of doing so.

Are things calm again now? The cold iron approach works well. The biggest thing is becoming a team together.

Yes things are calm now. When he thought his Dad was going to come over, he took the dog out for a walk to get out of the house. He was out for about an hour.

Since he's been back he's come and said sorry (albeit with a "but" that he thinks I was being unfair because I didn't follow our agreed warning system for him shouting at the PC.)

OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 13/07/2021 22:39

Were you hurt?
No I wouldn't report a pushing incident to the police unless it was very bad or this sort of thing has happened a few times before.

But clearly you need some help dealing with his behaviour as a family. Are you with social services?

TheVolturi · 13/07/2021 22:40

What?? Why would he want you to call the police? He's your son you need to help him. I am sorry you're going through this op. One of my children has autism and does attack me from time to time and it's not great. It's not a police matter though.

Original poster
beefbaguette · 13/07/2021 22:41

@stayathomer

How is he now OP, have you been able to talk to him? You said he's afraid of the people in the locality, is this a sensory thing or are you in a rough neighbourhood? Do you have someone you and he are in contact with like a counsellor? Also a band aid, maybe, but can you all go away for a day's hike or to pitch and putt or to the beach or something like thats he can have some fun time? (These are just suggestions, I'm not a professional or anything)
Being afraid of local kids - we're in a nice area but there is one well-known boy locally who was excluded from school for carrying a knife and threatened to beat up DS last summer. DS has been very withdrawn since and no longer goes out.

He refuses counselling, he spent six months under Camhs a couple of years ago and says he didn't find it helpful, therefore won't "waste time" with it again.

OP posts:
HamsterHelp · 13/07/2021 22:42

Hm. I mean I probably wouldn’t call the police realistically and I’m sorry he’s having a hard time. But I do think your ex has a point.

Original poster
beefbaguette · 13/07/2021 22:43

@stayathomer

How is he now OP, have you been able to talk to him? You said he's afraid of the people in the locality, is this a sensory thing or are you in a rough neighbourhood? Do you have someone you and he are in contact with like a counsellor? Also a band aid, maybe, but can you all go away for a day's hike or to pitch and putt or to the beach or something like thats he can have some fun time? (These are just suggestions, I'm not a professional or anything)
I have recently suggested a week away by the beach but apparently it would be "boring"! I do think a few days out doing go karting, Segway etc could be a good idea to get him out and engaging with the world a bit again. Thank you.
OP posts: