Page 2 | DS attacked me tonight

beefbaguette · 2021-07-13T20:33:18+00:00

DS is 14 and is having a shit time lately. He has ADHD and his anxiety is so bad that he hasn't been to school in two months. He's scared of local kids, doesn't really have any friends and barely sees other kids his own age. He has issues with his anger, and has done from an early age. Tonight he was screaming at the PC so I refused to extend his screen time to allow him to finish a tournament. He flipped his lid and started pushing me. His Dad wants me to call the police. I see a very sad, isolated boy who lost control and doesn't deserve to have this on his record - I don't want to call the police, basically. Would you call the police?

Original poster

beefbaguette · 13/07/2021 22:44

@AddsVsGeorgs

A push or attacked you?

Two very different things

Several pushes repeatedly, including where my back was turned, and a struggle where he was trying to take my phone from me. I certainly felt attacked.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 13/07/2021 22:44

Since he's been back he's come and said sorry (albeit with a "but" that he thinks I was being unfair because I didn't follow our agreed warning system for him shouting at the PC.

What's the warning system for physical violence?

Original poster

beefbaguette · 13/07/2021 22:46

@MichelleScarn

Since he's been back he's come and said sorry (albeit with a "but" that he thinks I was being unfair because I didn't follow our agreed warning system for him shouting at the PC.

What's the warning system for physical violence?

We've not had episodes of physical violence towards me before but we had some help from the SEN support service two years ago now. The agreed sanction for anything "physical", which at that time meant throwing things etc was removal of electronics for 24 hours.

OP posts:

Caramellatteplease · 13/07/2021 22:48

No I wouldn't call the police.

The games console would be removed for the foreseeable future.

When you do go back to using visual timers. If he is reasonably capable with time, I'd have a calm conversation that it is his responsibility to ensure whatever he starts has to fit into the time available. If that means only playing games you can stop and save instantly that's what needs to be done

If this wasnt a regular occurrence I would have extended the screen time this once.

Original poster

beefbaguette · 13/07/2021 22:50

@Caramellatteplease

No I wouldn't call the police.

The games console would be removed for the foreseeable future.

When you do go back to using visual timers. If he is reasonably capable with time, I'd have a calm conversation that it is his responsibility to ensure whatever he starts has to fit into the time available. If that means only playing games you can stop and save instantly that's what needs to be done

If this wasnt a regular occurrence I would have extended the screen time this once.

I am normally receptive to extending screen time if he's behaving. But on this occasion he was in his study, screeching like a banshee with the window open and telling someone to "fuck off".

So it was a no, as I didn't want to listen to another 30 minutes of that. And nor probably did the neighbours.

OP posts:

Starlightstarbright1 · 13/07/2021 22:52

My ds has adhd. At meltdown no point discussing.

When calmer discuss consequence for behaviour but also what could happen next time.

Children with Adhd really do need consequences aswell as lots of rewards.

In my mind he would loose computer for a day. Short sharp consequences work more effectively imo.

Halo1234 · 13/07/2021 22:52

Hard situation. Feel for both of u. I dont see it helpful to phone the police. He needs help not dug deeper down a hole.

Caramellatteplease · 13/07/2021 22:56

Just a word of warning/to expand
on the above any real time game is likely to be a flashpoint. You have a real emotional investment that you have no overall control off. Games like the aliens one play on this deliberately increasing the tension by having only set places you can save. Real time games that you cannot pause have the same effect - you have to be there in that moment in the game or something might happen that means you lose

When hes calm it's worth explaining that to him as part of understanding self regulation. Depending on how he is generally feeling changing what type of games you are playing can help self regulation.

saraclara · 13/07/2021 22:56

You need to have a conversation about what happened, and what sanctions will be in place should he ever be physical with you again.

Assuming that you live alone with him, I would be especially careful about handling this. You are very vulnerable if you're the only adult in the house, and he attacks you again.

I wouldn't call the police this time, but I'd make it very clear wht the boundaries are, and what will happen if he even gets close to doing the same again. Calling the police is something I'd need to consider if his physicality escalates. The risk is too great if there's no-one else in the house to protect you.

Shelddd · 13/07/2021 22:57

@Starlightstarbright1

My ds has adhd. At meltdown no point discussing.

When calmer discuss consequence for behaviour but also what could happen next time.

Children with Adhd really do need consequences aswell as lots of rewards.

In my mind he would loose computer for a day. Short sharp consequences work more effectively imo.

Lose computer for a day? Are you kidding? You're right that's short.. definitely not sharp.

I don't know that i would personally call the police but I also don't think it's out of line to call them.

Regardless of whatever MH or learning disabilities your son has, if he's a teen he's probably big enough to seriously hurt and injure you. It's not something to take so lightly.

Branleuse · 13/07/2021 22:58

I dunno, i think id tell ds that if he ever pulled that on me again then I would.
Is he on any medication?

FusionChefGeoff · 13/07/2021 23:00

Re the text, if he has ADHD then sometimes self regulation etc isn't something he can just learn is it? That's the whole point - he doesn't operate the same as his Dad / NT kids so that approach (hard line / get Police) isn't appropriate.

I do think agreeing your boundaries in advance and speaking to DS / exP about it could be a useful strategy.

Caramellatteplease · 13/07/2021 23:00

But on this occasion he was in his study, screeching like a banshee with the window open and telling someone to "fuck off"

By the time you've got to this stage you/he are way beyond getting it turned off safely, especially if you were in the same room. For your own safety you needed to extend the time then tighten boundaries after.

saraclara · 13/07/2021 23:06

@FusionChefGeoff

Re the text, if he has ADHD then sometimes self regulation etc isn't something he can just learn is it? That's the whole point - he doesn't operate the same as his Dad / NT kids so that approach (hard line / get Police) isn't appropriate.

I do think agreeing your boundaries in advance and speaking to DS / exP about it could be a useful strategy.

I've spent a lifetime teaching kids with autism and/or ADHD. So I totally understand what you're saying. But at 14, things become a lot more complex. Handling a meltdown that turns physical when it's a strong male teenager, is very much more of a risk for a single mother, than it might have been even a year ago. And her safety has to be prioritised.

OP, do you belong to any support groups? I think you would benefit from some guidance from an expert in the field now that things have become physical, even if your son won't engage with a counsellor.

Seesawmummadaw · 13/07/2021 23:09

No. I’d get him help instead.

Terhou · 13/07/2021 23:16

Does he have an EHCP, and do you have any social services support? It may be that something like respite care would help both him and you. Write to Children's Services at the council to request a care assessment under section 17 Children Act 1989.

PacificState · 13/07/2021 23:18

I'm sorry you're having such a shit time of it. It must be heartbreaking that he's unhappy and sounds like his dad isn't much help. I don't think I would have called the police either.

Do you have enough money to pay for private counselling with a specialist? See if you can get a recommendation for someone (clinical psychologist rather than counsellor)? I think the quality of CAMHS services can really vary (I know some are fantastic). Going private is pricey but I did it with my DS when he was depressed at around the same age and it was really helpful. CAMHS dealt with the medication but the psychologist did the weekly counselling sessions.

Can you see if local police community officers can talk to him about being safe when he's out and about, if he'd find that reassuring? Is your GP any good? Sounds like you could do with some support too

Pebstk · 13/07/2021 23:20

To be honest I wouldn’t call the police over this and I’ve had to on quite a few occasions when my now 18 year old son was so mad.

Sweettea1 · 13/07/2021 23:25

I wouldn't call the police. However sounds like you makes excuses for him an his behaviour certainly needs dealing with.

Moonface123 · 13/07/2021 23:25

Have you been on Not fine at school website, they are a very friendly, helpful forum. Many parents in same boat
If he is anxious he will be avoiding certain situations, it could be that he doesn't go out because he feels ashamed or embarrassed that he can't manage school, it's hard for boys this age to admit to their mates they are struggling with an anxiety or panic disorder, and it can also cause a deep sense of self loathing. Anxiety and anger go hand in hand. There is no excuse however to take this out on you.

Eviethyme · 13/07/2021 23:29

My auntie has a son like that. We all say that unfortunately he will most likely get imprisoned for woman beating or some crime in the future, he's 15 but can get a little violent and struggles to understand that he will have to run his own life in the future. God knows how he will survive in the future without him mum. He's 15 yet seems like he's 8 apart from the violence.

In all honesty I would have called the police just to shock him into understanding how bad he behaved or I would atleast talk to him about the fact that hlif he had done it to someone else then the police would have been called

KingdomScrolls · 13/07/2021 23:34

The police aren't going to improve this situation, neither is a criminal record, you do need to call children's services for some support it can't just continue

youwillbepk · 13/07/2021 23:38

You could call your local domestic violence service they may have some help and support to offer when a child acts abusively or violently towards their parent, school and early help may also be able to offer you both support.

youwillbepk · 13/07/2021 23:40

Also some police forces will have training dealing with your son and his behavior towards you, others might not. There are also support groups online that could be helpful. What area are you in op ?

Lunificent · 13/07/2021 23:41

I agree re: Not Fine In School Facebook group.
Is there any possibility you could move from the area for a fresh start?