DS attacked me tonight

[beefbaguette]

DS is 14 and is having a shit time lately. He has ADHD and his anxiety is so bad that he hasn't been to school in two months. He's scared of local kids, doesn't really have any friends and barely sees other kids his own age. He has issues with his anger, and has done from an early age.

Tonight he was screaming at the PC so I refused to extend his screen time to allow him to finish a tournament. He flipped his lid and started pushing me.

His Dad wants me to call the police. I see a very sad, isolated boy who lost control and doesn't deserve to have this on his record - I don't want to call the police, basically.

Would you call the police?

If he had a meltdown in public would he attack strangers op?

It’s a controversial opinion, but if he wouldn’t then I’d say you need to get much tougher on anything relating to violence (not mid-meltdown obviously, even at 34 I need to be left alone during one!).

If he is non-verbal/severely disabled and would attack anyone within range during a meltdown then he genuinely can’t help the violence.

If he is ‘functional’ and would only attack you in private, then he absolutely is capable of taking himself of somewhere/not attacking you. That means he can control it, he just seems to think he can take his frustrations out on you physically. Which is completely unacceptable, no matter how ‘stressed’ he is.

No I wouldn't call the police. This happened to me with my teenage DS years ago. He pushed me a few times and I fell over. It never happened again. He's grown into a fine man and is not remotely violent. It sounds as if your DS is projecting some real fears and anxieties. PPs suggestion of a day out sounds like a good one. Even if he says it will be boring, it will take him out of himself and give you time together. The teenager with the knife who has threatened him is maybe what you should talk to the police about. That is scary.

I wouldn’t call the police in this instance but I would lay down the law and let your son know that any further violence will result in police next time. Imagine if he learns that this is the way to get your own way in relationships with women?

There’s masses of literature out there explaining the potentially detrimental effects of video games on some people. Your son is obviously unable to cope with them.

I would personally change the wifi password and make him detox from the electronics. I’m totally biased though because I spent my childhood being verbally and physically abused by my brother who was desperate to have permanent exclusive use of the computer and wifi for his gaming.

I wouldn’t call the police but I don’t know what I would do. It sounds like you need to access some proper support, and the fact that he came home after cooling down and still only half apologised isn’t great. With physical violence ‘sorry, BUT’ isn’t acceptable. He can’t push the blame for his reaction onto you and he needs to learn this while he’s still young.

Are you under camhs or any service where you can access real life support to manage his behaviour?

And if his video games stress him out this much maybe it’s time to have a talk with him about whether or not they are appropriate for him at the moment.

I wouldn’t call the police but I’d make very clear his behaviour isn’t acceptable. I’d also remove or seriously limit all computer games. They’re awful for developing brains, particularly boys’.They’re addictive and that addictive quality can override normal inhibitions.

Sorry but as a ND woman I'd call the police. This is a strong male who deliberately hurt you. Your own son put his hands on you, he tried to use violence to get his own way by hurting you AND clearly trying to either block you from using your own phone or destroy your phone.....

and it's clear from the word 'but' in your after convo that he doesn't give a care to how wrong that is (he clearly knows it's wrong based on his acknowlegment)...

His excusing of it is so far over ANY line for NT or ND people and as kind as you are. This is doing no favours.

I think changing the type of games he's playing would help a lot, as well as a large amount of physical exercise.

Are there any Martial Arts classes near you that he could attend easily? Far from encouraging violence and being about fighting, they are structured in such a disciplined way that they teach a lot of self-control. He could also make new friends there, get involved in the competitions for grading, move up levels and increase his skills in the real world. It would also boost his self-confidence and sense of achievement. Aikido is primarily for self-defence.
I'd steer him away from Krav Maga though as it's marketed as a martial art, but it's not structured in the same way.

Please do some research into the type of games he's playing, some have a very negative effect on some kids, they stimulate the part of the brain that's responsible for drug addiction.

Bear in mind that neurodiverse kids can have an emotional age much lower than their chronological age, usually about two-thirds is average, then try looking at games that he'd have the emotional maturity to deal with, although he'd probably think they were childish.

Is he on meds for his ADHD and if so, when were they last reviewed? Maybe he needs a review?

Good Luck OP, there's no overnight fix for this, but there are more options than only calling the Police.

No I wouldn't for this first time, but when he's calm I would explain that if he's EVER violent to you again, you WILL call the police. I would also tell him he MUST participate in seeking counselling. Just because he didn't click with whoever he saw previously, doesn't mean that counselling is a no-go forever, especially not now.

@Terhou

Does he have an EHCP, and do you have any social services support? It may be that something like respite care would help both him and you. Write to Children's Services at the council to request a care assessment under section 17 Children Act 1989.

No, we were turned down for an EHCP less than a month ago.

And honestly, I don't need respite. He's not constantly awful at home. He has meltdowns and they're very hard to manage, but they aren't frequent.

@PacificState

I'm sorry you're having such a shit time of it. It must be heartbreaking that he's unhappy and sounds like his dad isn't much help. I don't think I would have called the police either.

Do you have enough money to pay for private counselling with a specialist? See if you can get a recommendation for someone (clinical psychologist rather than counsellor)? I think the quality of CAMHS services can really vary (I know some are fantastic). Going private is pricey but I did it with my DS when he was depressed at around the same age and it was really helpful. CAMHS dealt with the medication but the psychologist did the weekly counselling sessions.

Can you see if local police community officers can talk to him about being safe when he's out and about, if he'd find that reassuring? Is your GP any good? Sounds like you could do with some support too

Yep, I'd be more than happy to pay privately. The issue is that DS refuses to engage. He says he won't do counselling and that's the end of it.

@Moonface123

Have you been on Not fine at school website, they are a very friendly, helpful forum. Many parents in same boat If he is anxious he will be avoiding certain situations, it could be that he doesn't go out because he feels ashamed or embarrassed that he can't manage school, it's hard for boys this age to admit to their mates they are struggling with an anxiety or panic disorder, and it can also cause a deep sense of self loathing. Anxiety and anger go hand in hand. There is no excuse however to take this out on you.

Yes, thanks for the recommendation. That group is a total lifeline for me and has been for a while now!

You might need a carrot/stick approach to the counselling. I’d be earning game time through work done through counselling tbh

No, we were turned down for an EHCP less than a month ago

Please appeal, like many other things associated with neurodiversity, the system seems to be designed only to grant DLA, EHCP etc. to the ones who are most persistent.

I agree that you need to appeal. Try SOS SEN or IPSEA if you need support with that.