How much rudeness do you tolerate

[merrygoround88]

My DD12 has become unbelievably rude and it’s become habitually and I think too much but am wondering am I over reacting.
She does well with school work but the phone has definitely taken over and it’s where she spends most of her free time. There are no please, no thank yous, go away for an innocuous comment, rude to me , father , sister, it’s endless......She complains about days out, holidays etc etc. Nothing is good enough. I can live with that but it’s the rudeness and zero respect that I find too much.

She just seems to want to be constantly nasty and says ‘I’m a teenager, get over it’

Today I just had enough, I asked her a question, got a rude response and a ‘why don’t you just go away’
I took her phone for the evening, saying she needed to learn that there are consequences to being consistently rude and I got a tirade of what a bad mum I am and am winding her up etc

Typing this I think I sound pathetic but my response was proportional and it’s not reasonable for a teen to be obnoxious every day is it?

Not much rudeness is tolerated

My youngest is 14 and of her back chats me, he's pulled up on it. I usually say ' do not speak to me in that tone please!' and he generally gives a rather sarcastic ' sorrryyyy' which i let go as he's acknowledged he's been rude

I may sometimes say ' you may speak rudely to me on the day I speak like that to you. Until that day, you won't do it.'

I don't remove devices or punish because all you do then is raise stakes and escalate something that ignoring or a sharp ' stop speaking to me like that!' would work better for

However I'm assuming the rudeness is mild here with my above response

Stern face and a sharp 'remember who you are talking to' works here...
Dd's are 15 +14..

"Don't speak to me like that please. I e tolerate it. "

Call a family meeting.
"Right. Just to advise and clarify, we expect respect and politeness. Your attitude stops here. "

Thanks @TatteredOwls I have done the whole - do not speak to me like that, I don’t speak to you like that, but it doesn’t seem to be landing.

The rudeness is daily and I don’t mean, slamming doors, staying in rooms, I mean ‘go away, get out’ etc etc

Taking the phone was me just trying to think of what might actually cause her to re think her actions. Agree is has escalated things though, I’m somewhat worried we have let the rudeness slide to the point where she presumes there will be no consequences

I had this with my DS he turned 12 and changed into a completely different child exactly like you are describing everything I or his dad did was a wind up or intended to piss him off all the time,honestly though as much as I hated it I found picking my battles was the best strategy he's 14 now and better than he was at 12 it's a phase all of us who had kids the same age went through and they are all coming out the other side little by little

@Oblomov21 I’ll try a family meeting, thanks
@Aprilwasverywet I think I’ve been a bit wet and timid so that respect/slight fear of disappointing isn’t there and I really do need to put this in place I think

I turn a blind eye to the huffing and storming off and saying ‘it’s so unfair/you’re so annoying’ Kevin the Teenager stuff.

But I insist on please/thank you/not raising their voices too much and just plain rudeness, ingratitude or tantrummy behaviour has consequences every time.

I say it's normal to feel moody/grumpy/need some space at times, but it is absolutely not ok to be rude.
Mine are 16,14 and 12.

I don't tolerate it, but neither do I punish for it - that just esculates things needlessly. Pick your battles and all that.

But j wouldn't tolerate being spoken to rudely. I would ask - Why are you speaking to me like that? (And expect an answer). Do you think it's ok to speak to me that way (likewise, expect an answer). Do I speak to you that rudely? (I don't).

Then when getting an answer to my question, would say something along the lines of don't speak to me in that way / with that tone / using that kind of language. I may also model an example of a better way to say the same thing the teen said, but without being rude.

So rudeness never goes without being tackled. But I wouldn't punish for it, just correct it.

In that case I'd sit her down and talk to her and tell her there'll be consequences going forward if she continues

It's tricky though and she's still very young so it's worth nipping in the bud now. I take it there are times when she's pleasant?

I'd also dial back some interactions with her. for example, my son is all cuddly at night time and wants me to sit on the bed with him and chat and hug him. So I make the list of that!

In the morning? He's grumpy. So although there will never be any tiptoeing around him, I'll give a polite 'morning!' and say ' there's your breakfast' and ' here's your water bottle' and not much else unless he's chatty. So I'll pick my moments

That’s really helpful thank you - huffing, staying in room etc all accepted and normal but rudeness not accepted or normal.

I have just sent dd13 to her room for calling me a fucking bitch. (I dont swear at all so find this quite hard, especially as she uses this language with me multiple times a day). Cause was a minor issue that wasn't an issue at all if she had stopped to think.

Nothing really works with her to be honest. She really does not care. She says no consequence you give me will make or stop me doing anything. I dont rise to the bait and just keep telling her that I dont think I am whatever she has called me and then she is expected to calm down in her room and later when she is calm we talk about it.

Ooh no don't be timid! Assert yourself with her and don't be afraid of a backlash. If need be a sharp' we don't speak like that!' and walk away

And if my son called me a fucking bitch I wouldn't be responsible for my actions. Name calling would result in a severe punishment.

I think there's nothing wrong with having a very stern and serious word back when she is rude. How would a "fuck off yourself" shouted as loud as you can muster go down? Show her you have a limit.

@RoseMartha I fear that you may have fallen into a similar trap to me, of overly timid parenting afraid to upset them. It really doesn’t feel healthy

I really wouldn't say 'fuck off yourself'

How is that decent and calm parenting?

Zero tolerance. Absolutely no rudeness was ever brushed off or tolerated. I was never rude to them, I demanded the same level of courtesy back. It was perfectly fine for them to be irritated, frustrated, or angry with me, and to express that, but being rude about it was unacceptable. My children are adults now and lovely people, thank goodness.

@TatteredOwls No I wouldn’t myself but I do need to develop enough authority so that she understands what is acceptable and what’s not. I’ve failed thus far which is quite depressing

Sounds like she thinks being a teenager (I'd correct her on this point because I'm a pedantic sod- she's not a teen until she's got 'teen' in her age, at the moment she's a tween/pre-teen) gives her carte blanche to be insufferably rude. Correct her misconception pronto.

I don’t tolerate any rudeness. Why would you?

Teenagers can talk out of turn and will push boundaries but rudeness is a no. Not acceptable to not say please and thank you whoever you are to me.

@Wearywithteens I do think she is struggling with hormones, friends etc and I have done a lot of the ‘why are you sad / angry’ but I think it’s got to the point where I’ve almost been too empathetic

DD threw back at me ‘I will never go for a walk or tell you anything again because your a useless mum etc etc’

I do think that my ‘softness’ has allowed her to think she has carte Blanche to act however she pleases

I used to give mine the opportunity to turn it round by asking them to ask me again, but in a suitable tone. I also had lots of conversations about choices and consequences - by choosing the action, they've chosen the outcome whether positive or negative. So, you warn her that her attitude loses her her phone for a day, she carries on so the phone is taken. She made her choice, she therefore chose the consequence so can't whinge that it's not fair.