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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How much rudeness do you tolerate

73 replies

merrygoround88 · 11/05/2021 17:44

My DD12 has become unbelievably rude and it’s become habitually and I think too much but am wondering am I over reacting.
She does well with school work but the phone has definitely taken over and it’s where she spends most of her free time. There are no please, no thank yous, go away for an innocuous comment, rude to me , father , sister, it’s endless......She complains about days out, holidays etc etc. Nothing is good enough. I can live with that but it’s the rudeness and zero respect that I find too much.

She just seems to want to be constantly nasty and says ‘I’m a teenager, get over it’

Today I just had enough, I asked her a question, got a rude response and a ‘why don’t you just go away’
I took her phone for the evening, saying she needed to learn that there are consequences to being consistently rude and I got a tirade of what a bad mum I am and am winding her up etc

Typing this I think I sound pathetic but my response was proportional and it’s not reasonable for a teen to be obnoxious every day is it?

OP posts:

bugaboo218 · 11/05/2021 18:44

I do not tolerate any rudeness from teen DD or my younger children..

They can have an opinion, they can voice it, but not rudely

Like wise DD can be moody, upset, cross, but I would not allow her to to speak to like I am a piece of shit on her shoes.

My response is "name do not speak to me like that please. Do I speak to you like that? If you carry on then x consequence will happen and follow through. An assertive but calm approach works best with DD

If DD called me a fucking bitch I would not be responsible for my actions.

Wearywithteens · 11/05/2021 18:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Mojoj · 11/05/2021 18:57

Hard as it might be to imagine when she's being such a cheeky wee shit, she will come out the other side. My oldest boy is 16 now and still has his moments but nothing like a few years back. They do grow up. But that doesn't mean you should let her away with it!

Original poster

merrygoround88 · 11/05/2021 19:08

@Wearywithteens yes I think this did happen, I did try and talk her through solving something and it wasn’t clearly the her satisfaction. I made the mistake of dealing with it rather than feeling with it.

I don’t think that makes me a shit mum but of course it’s a stick for her to beat me with.

I need to as you say ‘hold the line’ more and not engage in the drama.

OP posts:

Original poster

merrygoround88 · 11/05/2021 19:09

The replies on this thread have been genuinely very helpful. I felt very unsure of myself today and the wisdom and advice on here has helped massively.

Thank you all.

OP posts:

Suzi888 · 11/05/2021 19:10

None. Give them an inch and they’ll take a mile!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 11/05/2021 20:48

I think a lot of this rude stuff at this age is driven by social media .... my DD could go from sweet and chatty to vile in 20 minutes or so ... and I’m sure it’s what they are seeing/receiving on SM.

When we took we phone away for a day or two she was a completely different girl ... obv pissed off at first but then engaged with the family, helping to cook, chatty. So much happier.

It really upsets me to think how much all this has affected our teens.

Original poster

merrygoround88 · 11/05/2021 21:40

@BigSandyBalls2015 I think social media really doesn’t help and the separate screens really doesn’t help promote family unity.

OP posts:

jazzitup15 · 11/05/2021 22:32

This is such a hard one. I have a 12 yr old and a 14 yr old both can be lovely but both can also be vile. My 12 yr old is also autistic so hard to know what is his autistic brain and what is teenage attitude and what is downright rudeness. I think this stage of parenting is very similar to that of the terrible 2's but more challenging. What worked then was ignoring the behaviour and not the child also a bit of reverse psychology. I do ignore rudeness and name calling to a certain degree, i just jabber on about something else ie something that happened at work or a post I've seen on fb - they get no attention for their rudeness - so they actually snap out of it pretty quickly. I found a diary of mine from when I was 15 a couple of months ago and in it I had a "row scale" . I used to rate the arguments I had with my mum "bad, bad average, average, petty and very petty" . I really detailed some of the arguments and what they were about and how my mum reacted. It is been a great help in how I deal with my teens. A comment I wrote time and time again was "why when I am so rude does she keep so calm" I wish my mum was normal and would shout back at me!!"

Coldwine75 · 11/05/2021 22:36

I dont accept rudeness, mine have never sworn at me or said they hate me but can say rude comments, maybe 'go away' or 'you're stupid;

OhRene · 11/05/2021 22:40

Zero.

It gets challenged immediately.

Well, except that time she was going nuts with PMS ranting at her dad and I so I threw a chocolate bar at her forehead and ran away laughing. She calmed down, ate the chocolate and I told her she can get wine with it too when she grows up.

DramaAlpaca · 11/05/2021 22:40

@Aquamarine1029

Zero tolerance. Absolutely no rudeness was ever brushed off or tolerated. I was never rude to them, I demanded the same level of courtesy back. It was perfectly fine for them to be irritated, frustrated, or angry with me, and to express that, but being rude about it was unacceptable. My children are adults now and lovely people, thank goodness.

Same approach here. All three are now fabulous, polite young adults.

ceilingsand · 11/05/2021 22:44

It's completely reasonable to remove a phone you pay fir if they are this rude. Mine had to learn that I won't fund things they want if they are that disrespectful.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 12/05/2021 08:34

[quote merrygoround88]@BigSandyBalls2015 I think social media really doesn’t help and the separate screens really doesn’t help promote family unity.[/quote]
I do agree with this OP and I have also taken DDs phone as a last resort not just as a punishment for rudeness but also for her own mental health. I believe the relentlessness of being on social media and getting sucked into endless girl dramas and arguments makes her angry and stressed which she then takes out on me. There is no break from it all, in our day we returned from school and had some rest-bite , the dramas didn't usually follow us home and go on all night. She does not seem capable of self regulating her usage and would stay up into the early hours if given free reign. When she has been phone free for a few hours she is actually much calmer and nicer so it's certainly a big factor in behaviour.

Original poster

merrygoround88 · 12/05/2021 09:00

@SilverGlitterBaubles We all give up screens at 9pm so I’m hoping to keep that rule but before that, it is as you say relentless.

We had a calm conversation with DD yesterday evening about speaking to each other as we would like to be spoken to and we asked her to think on it and come back to us.

This morning there was a ‘can I have my phone’ with no acknowledgment of changing how she speaks to us.

DD then escalates this to ‘I’m never speaking again as you twist everything I say’ She is a very clever, very stubborn almost 13yo so I’ve no doubt she won’t want to acknowledge or bend in any way until this really lands with her.

I think DD genuinely doesn’t yet see her behaviour as the problem, and we are partly to blame because we have let so much with her slide.

But I am not willing to let it continue and as other posters said, moods etc are all ok but consistent rudeness and disdain is not.

OP posts:

littlebillie · 12/05/2021 09:07

We had this for quite a while and I decided to take a different tact. We went over the change in the behaviour. I then asked what was causing the change is everything okay at schools etc and with friends. Then the tears began. I think the age their are the teens are also a lot more mean to each other. She was having lots of difficulties with friends, nothing physical but lots of bitchiness.

I think reminding your DD home is a safe space. I would remind her that behaviours at home are not acceptable and if she is cross take herself off for a while. I always remind my DD that we are on her side, it helped.

EwwSprouts · 12/05/2021 09:11

She just seems to want to be constantly nasty and says ‘I’m a teenager, get over it’

She thinks it's normal and she's entitled to be obnoxious. I would point out all relationships require give and take, and she needs to do more giving.

DS has his moments but he gets pulled up on them. Doesn't like it and might then stomp off to his room but when he reappears it's usually with a better attitude. He got let off a bit more in lockdown as I think everyone was stressed by being cooped up.

Original poster

merrygoround88 · 12/05/2021 09:14

@littlebillie Thank you, this is exactly what I am struggling with. I know teens are so hard and I want home to be this safe space where you are loved and accepted regardless.

But somehow this has escalated into my DD taking it that she can be as rude as she likes.

In one way I can accept being a punching bag for a couple of years but in another way, I see deeply unpleasant and entitled adults and I think ‘why didn’t anyone pull the up on this behaviour’

It’s such a tricky line to follow

OP posts:

domesticslattern · 12/05/2021 09:27

Have you considered putting limits on her phone? You can install them so you don't have to remove the phone, it just cuts automatically. She could for example have 2 hours a day total between 7am and 9pm, more at weekends. There are loads of apps for this. For my DD over-use of phones, to the detriment of other activities, really causes grumpiness and family fights. We don't link it to behaviour so there is no need for her to beg for it or not know the rules. She is only 12 and you pay for the phone so...

Original poster

merrygoround88 · 12/05/2021 09:34

@domesticslattern That’s a good idea I’ll look into that. I feel it has gotten out of hand but that’s another story

OP posts:

littlebillie · 12/05/2021 09:40

[quote merrygoround88]@littlebillie Thank you, this is exactly what I am struggling with. I know teens are so hard and I want home to be this safe space where you are loved and accepted regardless.

But somehow this has escalated into my DD taking it that she can be as rude as she likes.

In one way I can accept being a punching bag for a couple of years but in another way, I see deeply unpleasant and entitled adults and I think ‘why didn’t anyone pull the up on this behaviour’

It’s such a tricky line to follow[/quote]
I would ask your DD to take herself off to her room if she is rude, we did this. We were not rude to her and perplexed by the rage. After a lot of door slamming, she would come down and talk. We eat together every night no phones in the room, if someone has an attitude at least they are having a normal family routine. Believe me it's a testing time I hope it gets better.

Original poster

merrygoround88 · 12/05/2021 12:27

So do I @littlebillie. DD is a great kid in so many ways , it would be wonderful to see her more pleasant. I am sure it would also make her happier

OP posts:

Iamblossom · 12/05/2021 12:36

@Aprilwasverywet

Stern face and a sharp 'remember who you are talking to' works here... Dd's are 15 +14..

Yep this.

My sons are 14 and 16. They would get EXTREMELY short shrift if they spoke rudely to me and even shorter with their dad. Jokey banter fine, and they push the boundaries sometimes, of course they do, but the boundaries hold firm.

My sons say thankyou without prompting for every drink, snack, meal made, lift given, gift received. Is that me boasting? Probably, but I am proud they do it and I have made it my parenting mission that they have respect and appreciate what is done for them.

I am open mouthed at how other children speak to their parents, my friends, like PROPER shocked sometimes.

But then, I was never able to get away with being rude to my parents, and there was a respected line between cheek and rudeness that we kept the right side of, most of the time.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 12/05/2021 17:34

OP I think your DD is similar to mine. She is very stubborn and seems to twist every reasonable discussion or request into an argument that she absolutely must win. It is really exhausting, I let some things slide so not to engage with a battle about absolutely everything but I will call out rudeness and disrespect.

TatteredOwls · 12/05/2021 17:52

It sounds like you're tip toeing around her quite a lot. If my son said to me that he wasn't going to speak ever again as I twist everything he says, I'd laugh and say 'excellent! It's going to be a peaceful few years for me then!' and then just ignore anything further.

Don't be afraid to assert yourself as credible leader!

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