How much rudeness do you tolerate

[merrygoround88]

My DD12 has become unbelievably rude and it’s become habitually and I think too much but am wondering am I over reacting.
She does well with school work but the phone has definitely taken over and it’s where she spends most of her free time. There are no please, no thank yous, go away for an innocuous comment, rude to me , father , sister, it’s endless......She complains about days out, holidays etc etc. Nothing is good enough. I can live with that but it’s the rudeness and zero respect that I find too much.

She just seems to want to be constantly nasty and says ‘I’m a teenager, get over it’

Today I just had enough, I asked her a question, got a rude response and a ‘why don’t you just go away’
I took her phone for the evening, saying she needed to learn that there are consequences to being consistently rude and I got a tirade of what a bad mum I am and am winding her up etc

Typing this I think I sound pathetic but my response was proportional and it’s not reasonable for a teen to be obnoxious every day is it?

Model good behaviour. I take the phone away. It's very effective. I pay the bill, my call.

If she doesn't say please the answer is no. IF she doesn't say thank you, the item is taken back. Simple rules -keep it simple. But then again I'm about to start a thread on tooth brushing etc

I did tolerate some rudeness because teen emotions are all over the place and it is stressful to be a teen.

I put up with general rudeness- snarky comments, grunting, eye rolling, huffing, and brazenly ignoring. I’d just leave them and then have a chat with them when they were calmer or in better frame of mind to let the, know how hurtful and rude that behaviour is and if they can be nice to a friend, they can definitely put in effort to be nice to their mother.

I drew the line at swearing, screaming and physical anger-slamming doors/thumping a table/throwing a pillow. So any of those would be punished. Usually by deducting some of their allowance or grounding/cancelling an activity out with friends.

I didn’t take phones/laptops off them because that’s their link to the friends and social support. Which they need when stressed and grumpy to cheer themselves back up. I found that taking those things just made them worse and angrier and to plot ways to get back at me and escalate things.

@SilverGlitterBaubles It’s really very exhausting isn’t it

Better day today, DD seems to be grasping what is and isn’t acceptable. I don’t doubt we aren’t there yet but hopefully going in the right direction.

After some resistance she even took the dog for a (short!!) walk

I didn’t take phones/laptops off them because that’s their link to the friends and social support. Which they need when stressed and grumpy to cheer themselves back up. I found that taking those things just made them worse and angrier and to plot ways to get back at me and escalate things.

I find this a fine line to tread as often this is the only thing that will snap DD out of whatever mood she is in. As I said before the relentlessness of being online especially when much of it is girls petty arguments really impacts her mood and sometimes a bit of enforced time out from this calms things down. She feel she absolutely has to answer all messages because apparently if you do not that can be perceived as ignoring someone which in turn could lead to an argument. If my work messaged me 24/7 I think I would find it stressful and I just think that DD has not found the ability to regulate and switch off yet meaning I have to step in when it gets too much.

@merrygoround88 Glad you have had a better day

@SilverGlitterBaubles

I didn’t take phones/laptops off them because that’s their link to the friends and social support. Which they need when stressed and grumpy to cheer themselves back up. I found that taking those things just made them worse and angrier and to plot ways to get back at me and escalate things.

I find this a fine line to tread as often this is the only thing that will snap DD out of whatever mood she is in. As I said before the relentlessness of being online especially when much of it is girls petty arguments really impacts her mood and sometimes a bit of enforced time out from this calms things down. She feel she absolutely has to answer all messages because apparently if you do not that can be perceived as ignoring someone which in turn could lead to an argument. If my work messaged me 24/7 I think I would find it stressful and I just think that DD has not found the ability to regulate and switch off yet meaning I have to step in when it gets too much.

I agree it is very child and situation dependent. If there’s drama going on, absolutely good to have time away from phone. That’s a conversation I have had and taught them to just walk away from and also how to establish boundaries but so they can do that for themselves? Rather than me enforcing it. I guess I have been lucky in that none of my DC have been addicted to being online or SM.

However, the above is different from removing the phone as punishment for rudeness to me or their papa. That’s more removing phone for their mental health/stability, not punishment.

No rudeness. Any is challenged and apologies are expected although not necessarily in the moment.

Manners and contributions are expected. I don’t cause unnecessary conflict though - am laid back about most things so pick my battles but one of those is basic respect ans manners. We don’t treat the people we love badly. I would keep pushing that bar up.

Politely point out she’s being rude and that she can’t have her phone as a consequence the next time she’s rude. Be kind, firm and fair. Next time remove her phone and don’t return it until she’s changed her behaviour

I have said to mine would you speak to a teacher like that? Which I know they wouldn't and I said you don't get to talk to me with less respect than you would your teacher.

I have also said if this was a relationship you would be shown the door, your Dad doesn't speak to me like that and I don't speak to him like that. This is not the way adults communicate healthily with each other and if you want to be treated like a child then that would mean removing your phone/laptop etc.

I do not tolerate anything. They are not allowed to flounce out of rooms or slam doors either. I have 2 sons and I knew at some stage as Dh is 6'3" they would probably be a lot taller than me so I had to get the discipline in early.

Not all teens behave like this and we shouldn't allow them to speak to adults like shit on their shoe.

Oh God - interesting thread - I had an electrical housefire 3 weeks ago and am currently holed up in a room in Travelodge with DD14 - many many issues at play - I sit writing this with three 14 yr old girls watching some heinous US drama right next to me that they are discussing/over analysing - I’ve had a head-on, all guns blazing education into the mind of the teen girl since I’ve been here - good and bad.

I have a lot of rudeness aimed at me right now and because neither of us have personal space I simply tell her it is neither pleasant nor acceptable - every time - there are much bigger things going on and it’s her way (however foul) of venting frustration - it’s not personal, just generic and it largely goes over my head but I think it’s important to let them know it’s not on ...

Zero tolerance. Ds(17) tried it a few times around age 12. Not even sure where it came from, if he had heard friends talk about speaking to parents that way or if tweens naturally start.

He told me to "shut up" in front of his friends 🤣. He got the I'm really not happy with you face and a shocked "excuse me". Then a low, do you want to do this in front of your friends or at home? At home the usual, dont you EVER talk to me like that again.

He is cheeky now, but it is always jokey, at over 6ft thankfully never serious or in anger. It is something you need to nip in the bud early.

Your DD is bullying you.
This goes way beyond a bit of " whatever" rudeness.
I didnt tolerate rudeness but I didnt micromanage teens either.
Have you done xyz, you must eat, do this, do that ?
I see it all the time and teenagers are screaming inside with frustration.
Step back and let them make their own mistakes
Late? Oh dear
Forgot homework ? Oh dear
Dont sweat it , step away and be cool and calm.
Never shout or name call back.
You are an adult, she needs you to stick to your values.
There is a book called Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into Town
Sums it up really.
Being scared to upset your kids is not good.
You end up tiptoeing around and she is bullying you.

I did not tolerate rudeness but also was not automatic chef, taxi driver and bank either.
Pull back
Provide a house, basic food etc
Let her ask you nicely for a lift, food, earn money,do chores to earn whatever she wants.
Stop being so available.
How dare she call you useless and swear at you.
She needs to learn to respect you.

At that age -lots of if you want something, this is the way to ask and discuss - it's hard for them to get initially but they should learn to negotiate in a fair and non aggressive manner, it's a valuable life skill.

I don’t tolerate rudeness at all - never have, never will. I think letting them get away with speaking to you like shit creates a rod for your own back that they’ll then use to beat you with. 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP I have very similar conflicted feelings about my 14 year old DS. I try to not let things escalate etc but then I feel like I am being too soft. A few weeks ago it came to a head on his birthday of all days when he spoke to me with such absolute disdain that I burst into tears. We’ve had several years of issues with his behaviour and massive school problems, I felt like we’d been making progress and I’d made such an effort for him to have a nice birthday and this was like a punch in the face. I don’t want to escalate things, but I also don’t want to raise a rude and entitled adult and at the moment I am worried this is what is happening. A lot of his problems at school are caused by being rude and argumentative.

I'm quite lucky, my daughter is pretty good when it comes to attitude, I havent even been that strict of a mother to cause it, I guess it's just her personality only problem is that shes a bit too quiet and never talks to me haha

I can take so much but at the weekend ds was completely disrespectful to us I felt And so next night he was grounded. He insisted he was going out, to which I said if he wants to see pocket money at the weekend he will not be doing that so I would think carefully . - he didn’t go out! He’s 15. Do I think he’s too old to he grounded? Nope. It hasn’t happened in a good long time I have to say but I felt this warranted it. He’s basically got a couldn’t care about anything or anyone attitude going on right now and when asked why he said what he said I got that’s just who I am now, people change to which I said well as you’ve always been told you disrespect us you lose your privileges and my decision will never change!

None. We have some temper outbursts, that's different I think and they go to their room to cool off then we discuss, but on the whole, they're expected to treat me with the decent manners they've been taught since they were young.

I’ve had to pull mine up a couple of times but nothing major. A bit of bad attitude gets dealt with here straightaway with a ‘you do not talk to me like that’ and I get an apology. If there is door slamming it will be about something at school and I will be told about it not long after.
If my DC spoke to me like that the phone would be gone permanently. And I’m not joking. Mine has lost it for two days for a bit of swearing at a game (fifa) after a warning.
I have a friend whose DD at about 13 said something like ‘what part of hurry up don’t you understand’. Friend returned new clothes she had just bought DD. DD never did it again.
OP you need to get a grip and sort this out. She is trying to be top person in the house. I’m not a Victorian but no DC of mine gets to be top person in a house that they’re not paying for.

The phrases that got me through the teenage years and believe me 15/17 could have gone either way.......

I am going to speak, you are going to listen, in this moment you have no right of reply, you need to go away and think about what I have said and then come to the table. He hated this one, he had to present as grown up

The others were ....... when he snarled, I bet sounded really good in your head.

And ......................did you mean to be that rude ??

And infrequently............. listen we only have a few years until you move out, do you want to make them as nice as possible for everyone ??

I don’t tolerate any rudeness.
I’m not rude to my DC and I don’t expect it back. Respect goes both ways.

The fact you’re even asking the question as if rudeness is just something you should except from your teenager kind of shows where this relationship has gone wrong and why your DD thinks she can get away with it.

This phase lasted from my DD was 14 until she was 18, it’s horrible but very normal unfortunately.

@merrygoround88 interested to know how it's going and if any of your tactics have had effect? Am in a similar place.