Going round in circles with DD 12yrs old.

[AutumnLeaves]

I have a DD 12yrs. Writing this as myself and DH seem to be going around in circles with DD. She lies (a lot) not just small ones, some whoppers too. Once had to go to the school as she said she was being picked on, lots of tears etc. When the story came out the person she had accused had nothing to do with it, and at the same time found out that DD and a best-friend were having big bustups ending in punching each other. She was caught taking money out of our money jar, she gets pocket money. Sends bitchy emails (we put a check on this as we thought DD was being bullied) although when we had MSM installed DD was found to be joining in micktakes of other friends.

Just don't know what to do.Have tried to help her, even asked if she would like to speak to childline, which she did for the school incident,good advice was given, but we always end up back to square 1, dishing out the same advice.It really gets to me, upsetting that I can't seem to help her. I have even tried turning the old blind eye, no joy also.

Anyone?

Sorry,AL.Mine are tiny,haven't got to this stage yet.Hope someone gets back to you with constuctive advice.Did not want your post ignored.xx

Thanks Wrinkly x

Will look back tomorrow, any advice would be really grateful.

My friend was having similar problems with her DD. They checked MSN and were horrified at all the bitchy stuff going on so they uninstalled it. She was like a different girl. The problems at school were in some way due to what was being exchanged via MSN. I'd be concerned about the money. Find out gently what your DD needs the money for. If she gets pocket money could you up it slightly to cover her needs? I'd try to nip this in the bud. Dont worry too much, girls all deal with the growing up thing differently. My DD's friends are changing in very varied ways. If she continues to be having a hard time of it, it may be that shes unhappy about something in particular. Try and keep the communication lines open even if its via a third party.
Hope this helps a bit. Good luck

I have 2 DD's.
To be honest AutumnLeaves, I would come down on her like a ton of bricks. You have to nip this sort of thing in the bud, or it will get a helluva lot worse. Easy to say I know...
I would tell her that if she lies, she will be caught it... that you, her Mum, will find out anything because that's what Mums do. I would surprise her with some random thing you know about (that she doesn't know you know...) throw it into the conversation to shock her. Keep doing this intermittently so she doesn't know what the hell you can find out about...! With my 2 DD's, they say "How the heck do you know I did that?" and they almost seem to think I have some sort of magic powers(!) to find out things and it makes them very wary and toe the line more. I snoop and pry if I think they are lying.

The money out of jar... I would go beserk! I would hide the money jar (obviously), I would get her to pay back TWICE what she took and make a big thing about it. Tell her she has to earn your trust again.

I'm sorry... but sod childline. You should not be encouraging her to speak to them. She is not being bullied... she is possibly doing the bullying. And children will throw childline in your face, given half the chance... mine do it as a joke now! (telling me they are going to ring Childline if I won't let them go out!!)

All this sounds very negative. Now for the positive.

After making her life hell... I would then take stock of the situation and tell her you would like it if she and I could spend some time together. Go to a shopping centre, have lunch and chat. Or go and have a beauty treatment together.. all girls love that. Be girly together and bond. Show her you have a fun side and that you are not just an authoritarian. Just tell her you are always there for her but that you will NOT in any way tolerate lies or stealing.

I hope it gets better for you.

Thanks for the feedback, really grateful. It seems to be all jogging along nicely, then whoosh it's all up in the air again. But that's children, the goal posts are mobile and in fifth gear some weeks.

'Authoritarian', what I've written below now sounds like I'm auditioning for a part in Cell Block H as a warden.

We have sort of done the heavy, HBean, not done it before, but today we took away her TV,Video,DVD,MP3 and mobile, and is restricted use of the internet. No emails also. We haven't done this before but we are at the end of our tether.Writing that seems a bit severe now.

Mag,we have now hidden the money,we keep telling her if she need cash for anything just to ask.We're not ogres and always try to get/give what she wants.

Came home from work this morning feeling like I'm just not doing anything right when it comes to parenting.

The latest events have come out of her having a boyfriend,getting dumped,now going out with his friend.Insults been slung via email,(have since put a stop to this). Think she secretly enjoys the drama of it all.DH has thought this too.

Hbean, the childline thing was out of desperation on my part, didn't know where else to turn at the time. Thought at the time if she can't tell me the truth, maybe she can with someone else.It was an at the moment thing.Hadn't found MN then, am so glad I've found it now though.

I do love her to bits we both do, and shes really fab when shes being her normal witty,lovely self.Will do a trip out, the beauty trip sounds like a good idea, loves makeup at the moment. Thanks for the advice.x

Autumnleaves.. sounds like you've got it sorted, more or less!
Good idea taking away the TV video etc.. it least it shows you mean business! I am guilty at times of making threats and not carrying them out...

Oh yes, I know about the 'enjoying the drama' side of it... I remember when DD1 (now 18) boyfriend split up with her... boy, oh, boy that one went on for a long long time! Of course, I was sympathetic to start with but after a while the dramatics of it did get to me somewhat...

I did wonder about your statement and 'always trying to give her what she wants' ?? Is that wise?! Daughters are capable of milking that somewhat, given half the chance....!

Sorry but you do sound like you are rather easy on her. I agree with earlier poster that you need to come down like a ton of brick.
I have a near 12 year old ds and he has none of the things your dd has. Maybe she is growing up rather fast, I dont know, I guess girls must be a bit different.

Autumnleaves - I have two boys, 15 and 12, who I suspect may be different from girls (!). Certainly we don't have the same kind of drama (at least not yet).

But we have our own issues, and all I can say is that it's a case of being consistent - consistently firm/horrible/loving - so that they know exactly where they/you stand.

And if a threat from you is made then it must be carried out, so that they are forced to recognise that you mean it, and that there is a consequence to any action.

It feels like pushing tons of water up hill, doesn't it?!

I keep trying to remind myself that this is just a period of time - just like when they were babies - and soon we will be in a different phase.

Good luck!

Hi there

Drama!! Teenage girls LOVE drama - just watch 20 mins of Hollyoaks (if you can bear it) and it's all life or death, screaming and shouting over the tiniest thing. It kind of upset me when I saw the way that my teenage DSD and her mates all interact with one another. Not much concern for feelings etc, involve boys and it kind of blows up so your DD sounds normal in that concern.

I also truly believe that MSN is the most poisonous (sp?) form of "communication" ever invented, DSD was spending hours a night on it and was an uncommunicative, withdrawn grump until it was banned and she suddenly started talking to us again. She was also getting bullied on MSN - it's really a horrible waste of time and energy.

Also - I'm not an experienced parent of teens myself - but I've seen that when DH confiscates DSD's phone it is by FAR the most effective way of getting through to her.

Re: money, I deffo think she needs to pay back what she has taken, she needs to know that is a serious offence.

Good luck, sounds like firm but fair is the way to go - remember teens seem to be able to smell fear, she will know when you are about to crack and guilt trip you for all she's worth!!

scruffymomma... you are right. I hate to say it, but girls (and I am one myself after all...!) are by their nature rather manipulative. Nothing rings truer with girls than 'give them an inch, and they'll take a mile'.

You have to be strong with them, because they are never satisfied... however much you give of yourself.. they want more. This is sounding awful and I am not putting it across right. I have two of the most delightful DDs but I know how their minds work (esp DD1 !) and I have to be on my toes all the time with her otherwise she will tie me up in knots!

Thanks for posting, lots of encouraging advice given and taken. Thankyou.

One thing that is getting to me a lot, having lots of quiet tears over it. Is when you have to give her advice about something shes done, shes stares at something else as if to say dont bother i'm not listening, or constantly smirks at you.

So today i'm not coping v. well, it is getting to me. Sometimes dont want to tell DH, of the goings on by DD,it makes me feel as though i'm caught in between and a DD moaner.He works nights during the week before going to work,all together at the weekends though.

Well for the last couple of days haven't needed to do the drying/washing up after dinner, thats something I suppose. But part of me thinks its because shes a 'Hollyoaks' watcher and really would like her tv back, as she knows I hate the programme and won't have it on the livingroom tv. Said that a couple of nights of washing up wouldn't make up for all thats been done. 'Major Huff' sounds from DD and rolling of eyes.

Need chocolate, lots of.

Poor you Autumnleaves... they can really tug the heartstrings can't they?

I will say, if my DD stared somewhere else, smirked, or rolled her eyes at me... I would go absolutely spare. What that would achieve, I don't know, but it is damn rude and I would be telling her so. I'm afraid to say it sounds, at the moment, as if when you give the TV back, and everything is going to revert back to how it was.

Don't get upset cos they sense that... you have to be tough, firm and cool about it, however hard that is. I just think that you have to sort this now cos your DD is 12 and still under your control as it were... this will get harder and harder the older she gets and wants to go out (believe me, I've been there!)

Don't forget the bonding girly bit... but only when your DD deserves it!

Good luck autumnleaves and keep yer chin up!