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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

How to prepare immature DS for university

60 replies

katedan · 29/04/2021 14:50

DS 18 is due to start uni in September ( grades permitting) he is very young for his age and I admit DH and I have not helped by doing too much for him as he is our first. His personal presentation is poor and would not think to book haircut, dentist etc unless reminded. He complains if asked to do any household task and has never cleaned toilet, bathroom or wash clothes. He still looks very young and as a result other people treat him a lot younger. If something happens at school it is the teachers or our fault and he can't take responsibility. The lockdown has meant he has rarely left the house apart from school when it was open or his part time job once a week. He has not learnt to drive ( although this was impacted by COVID). He has never had friends since being in secondary school so no opportunities now to do things with his peers.

How can I prepare him and make him grow up and prepare him practically and socially for university.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 29/04/2021 15:00

You can't. That's the long and short of it. If he won't engage with the basics of keeping himself (and his clothes) clean and healthy then he's going to have to find out the hard way.

The best thing you can do is try to make sure he doesn't get himself into trouble with money and that he understands about boundaries and consent when it comes to girls (or boys).

Seeline · 29/04/2021 15:01

They seem to pick things up surprisingly quickly when there's no one else to do stuff for them! I have had a couple of calls from DS asking advise about cooking or cleaning but he seems to have survived!

We did go over sorting washing before he went, and he could do basic cooking. Dentist appointments generally during the holidays when he's home. He did register with the uni doctor though.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 29/04/2021 15:05

You've got a few months yet. That's time for a crash course in basic cooking, laundry and self maintenance.

minou123 · 29/04/2021 15:07

Will he be living in halls for his first year?

If so, don't worry, the other students in the halls will soon put him right.

weareallpassengers · 29/04/2021 15:08

stop doing it all for him?

thesandwich · 29/04/2021 15:09

Can he do some volunteering etc over summer? Anything- charity shops, library reading schemes- something to improve social skills and independence.
He may surprise you. It’s good he’s got a job.

zafferana · 29/04/2021 15:10

This is only just occurring to you now?

Okay, well I'm not sure whether learning to drive is something he really needs to know for uni, but that's certainly something he could do this summer. Most people need around 20 lessons before they pass their test, so if you book one a week he might achieve it by October.

As for cleaning a loo, cooking basic meals, etc, I suggest you crack on and start showing him how to do those things, otherwise he's going to live on convenience food and I feel very sorry for his flat mates!

It really shouldn't take too long to show him how to work a washing machine, how to clean a bathroom, etc. Can he strip and remake a bed? Does he understand how often things like sheets and towels need to be washed so they don't smell?

Scottishskifun · 29/04/2021 15:12

Practical elements - get him tidying and cleaning after himself now.
Teach him to cook some basics on a budget - pasta, chilli, curry etc.

Go over budgeting!!!!
Encourage him to research what sports or societies he would like to join there is no point doing more then 3 they tend to run at the same time!

mumonthehill · 29/04/2021 15:13

Honestly try and build his social skills, it is really important that he tries to make friends and join things. He does need to know some basic life stuff like laundry and cooking but he will learn very fast when there is no one else to do it! It can be a big learning curve going away so learning how to be more independent now would be very positive.

Pantsomime · 29/04/2021 15:18

Agree financial responsibility is a must also how to treat others and sexual boundaries, mistakes in both could have criminal and life long repercussions. Can you get him on an outward bound or boot camp week somewhere- someone surely has made a business out of getting teenagers ready for independence where families have been unable to

springisacoming · 29/04/2021 15:18

Mine will be in the same boat with a lack of life skills! Learning the hard way is a great life-lesson and it will be a steep learning curve. Lockdown has meant that they have missed so much school/college where they naturally grow up, the chance of learning to drive or work has been limited.

I wish him all the best and hope that Uni will bring many friends for him.

AmandaHoldensLips · 29/04/2021 15:27

Washing clothes and bed linen really is a must. Tell him he really doesn't want to be known as the boy who stinks/has a stinky room. Ew.

Aliceandthemarchhare · 29/04/2021 15:28

Does he have any special needs, OP?

2bazookas · 29/04/2021 15:32

You left it very late.

Teach him to cook simple meals, sort laundry, use a washing machine, use a plastic card when shopping / draw cash from hole in wall, balance a simple budget (income versus expenditure).

Hair cuts, personal hygeine, clothes and appearance are no longer your concern; he has to manage those himself or face the social consequences of not bothering. ( he'll soon learn) .

balzamico · 29/04/2021 15:35

is there any opportunity in your area to do NCS? they teach some budgeting, life skills plus independence and friendships, generally aimed at gcse kids i think but worth looking at.
Also he has a long summer to learn but you have to teach him!

eurochick · 29/04/2021 15:43

I'm surprised by some of the posts on here. This really shouldn't be a problem. I'd never cleaned a loo or done laundry before I went to uni. I soon learned! If you think he needs help you have nearly six months to get him ready. That's plenty.

Persipan · 29/04/2021 15:47

On the practical front:

Get him used to having money at spaced out intervals. If he's used to getting, say, a weekly allowance, rearrange so it's monthly (or less). Student loans happen termly and it's a big shock to the system for students who have only had to hold out from week to week previously.

Similarly, get him used to having to pay any 'big' bills himself. His phone, for example - if you currently pay for it, rearrange things so he has to deal with that.

He does his own laundry from now on. You can teach him how everything works, but he does it himself or it doesn't get done.

Food-wise, if he'll be self-catering then I generally think they need to be able to cook three things. Pasta and sauce, say. A stir fry. That kind of stuff. Things he can alternate and tweak until he gets bored and then he can learn some more stuff.

Driving is irrelevant but if he doesn't have experience of taking public transport by himself in an unfamiliar place, then ideally it would be good for him to practice this. (Even better if it's possible for him to stay overnight somewhere away from home, although obviously covid complicates that).

With appointments, very often young people get a bit freaked out about having to make them because they literally don't know how, if they've never had to do it. Also it tends to be done over the phone which often isn't their preferred way of dealing with things. So to begin with, don't worry about getting him to remember to make appointments, but when one needs to happen, get him to arrange it. Talk him through what they're likely to ask when he calls, and sit with him (or nearby, of he'd rather you weren't listening) while he makes the call, in case he needs any help with it.

It's not too late, this is a great time to be thinking about this stuff. You would be genuinely amazed at how many parents just... don't seem to consider it.

TheThermalStair · 29/04/2021 15:48

If you want him to make friends definitely make sure he’s not relying on other students to teach him how to do laundry or clean the house. I deeply resented stupid boys (always boys) who seemed to think I was there to serve them/demonstrate basic life skills.

Have you tried sitting down with a list of skills he’ll need and discussing with him how he’s going to accumulate these skills? This kid is leaving home and it’s not optional to know how to feed yourself, keep things clean etc

Horehound · 29/04/2021 15:48

One thing I'd maybe do is buy him a load of nice guys products for the shower/bathroom so that will encourage him to use them? Maybe. Dunno but just an idea!

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 29/04/2021 15:48

Stop doing his laundry. My 8 year old does her own washing, she takes pride in it. It's really not a difficult task so I don't know why he doesn't already do this. I did my own washing from around 11 years old.

Send him to a basic cookery class. Yes, you can teach him yourself but he needs to do things for himself without mummy standing over him.

The financial stuff will be more difficult but you could direct him to the budget planner on the Money Advice Service website and he can have a go at budgeting.

Can he go to some kind of youth summer camp or holiday thing on his own? I'm thinking it would give him some experience of fending for himself even if it's just for a few days or a few weeks. It would increase his confidence about being alone at university.

StillRailing · 29/04/2021 15:50

Ignore complaints about chores.
Learn to insist.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 29/04/2021 15:52

Luckily none of it is rocket science.
Discuss stuff that needs to done daily
Weekly
Ad hoc.
He can put it in his phone. Get him the usual stuff to clean with.
He will be fine. Worse case scenario he lives off maccas and stab and nuke meals. He will survive.
Hopefully he can join some societies and find some like minded people. My nephew did

StillRailing · 29/04/2021 15:52

He has a part time job. That's promising

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2021 15:55

What do you mean he hasn’t had friends since joining secondary? Has he had no friends since he was ten/eleven?

CutieBear · 29/04/2021 15:56

He should defer and start next year. This gives him a year to grow up a bit and learn how to look after himself. Maybe he could get a job and learn more “adult” skills like cooking, cleaning and other basic tasks.

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