How to prepare immature DS for university

[katedan]

DS 18 is due to start uni in September ( grades permitting) he is very young for his age and I admit DH and I have not helped by doing too much for him as he is our first. His personal presentation is poor and would not think to book haircut, dentist etc unless reminded. He complains if asked to do any household task and has never cleaned toilet, bathroom or wash clothes. He still looks very young and as a result other people treat him a lot younger. If something happens at school it is the teachers or our fault and he can't take responsibility. The lockdown has meant he has rarely left the house apart from school when it was open or his part time job once a week. He has not learnt to drive ( although this was impacted by COVID). He has never had friends since being in secondary school so no opportunities now to do things with his peers.

How can I prepare him and make him grow up and prepare him practically and socially for university.

If he defers for a year what will he do? I took a year off between school and uni and it was one of the best years of my life, but they take organisation and if he's just going to be sitting around at home with mum and dad continuing to do everything for him while he potters off to his PT job I think he'd be better off going to uni.

If, OTOH, he knows what he would do that with that year (specific one-year course, FT job, combination of work and travel, etc), so it's not just wasted time, having an extra year to grow up a bit and become more independent would almost certainly be time well spent. Have you talked to him about gap years? Does he have any desire to do one?

I think there's a danger of putting him off university altogether. It's great you want to help equip him with some life skills but he sounds like a typical teenager (when you say he complains when asked to do chores). Don't make him feel too anxious and unprepared.

He sounds like a good lad just incredibly shy and perhaps little immature. He's probably anxious about this big step to university anyway.

I would start with a conversation asking him if you can help him prepare. What does he need, maybe draw up a list.

I always found my teens were the most engaging when I was driving in the car with them in the passenger seat. There's no eye contact so they're more relaxed and open up a bit. And of course there's no escape driving along
I'd aim to build his confidence in himself and focus on how exciting this step to university will be rather than just focusing on what could go wrong.

I have one in uni & one year 12.
I’d worry much more about your DS’s shyness and social skills as you can teach him all the practical stuff over the long summer.
As you say he’s done NCS and it drifted, same for my dd, was great for about two years but Covid stopped most of the social stuff so that didn’t help! It sounds like your ds needs some sort of social activity this summer to prepare for uni - half of it is the social side - does he have any interests or hobbies he could join a society of when he gets there? That might help.

He loves football ( watching not playing) and computer games, in the last few days he has started playing online with a guy from school which is a step forward. He put washing on this morning and had to sort out colours and whites etc. Year out is an idea but he is aware there is not many jobs and he is not bothered by travelling at the moment.

Would something like this interest him OP? www.etrust.org.uk/the-year-in-industry

@katedan

He loves football ( watching not playing) and computer games, in the last few days he has started playing online with a guy from school which is a step forward. He put washing on this morning and had to sort out colours and whites etc. Year out is an idea but he is aware there is not many jobs and he is not bothered by travelling at the moment.

That’s def progress then. Also, If he supports a particular team there’s good bonding material there already! Def build confidence over summer & hopefully things will be ok. Pandemic def not helped w transition etc in terms of social life picking up pre-uni etc.

What is he doing at uni. Has he.looked at apprenticeships. Computer programming etc.

I don't think me or any of my friends really knew how to cook when we went to uni. We just ate cheap rubbish like frozen pizza for a bit until we got sick of it, and then gradually got more adventurous and creative (mainly driven by lack of money!)

I already knew how to do washing and housework with minimal prompting at that age. If he hasn't picked it up yet he probably won't until he really has to!

I think the social skills is the key part, bolstered by a bit of clarity around personal care, and laundry/cooking skills.

My DS is a first year at uni. Interestingly he’s just broken his foot, which DH and I are a bit angsty about with him being away from home, but what was really interesting was that a support system blossomed around him. One of his flat mates pulled in a different mate who is studying medicine and with 2 whole terms experience proclaimed that DS should go to the medical centre. Another flat mate went with him and he was x-rayed (broken metatarsal) and put in a boot. His flat mates went and did a Big Tesco shop and took his order. Another flat mate had a mum who works in the NHS who sent down some crutch handles to makes his crutches more comfortable. They’ve been carrying his trays in the canteen and sorting out priority seating. What has been really heartening for us is that some fundamentally nice kids have done nice things for DS and its all been ok.

I suspect I would rather he washed his sheets more than he does and ate more vegetables that he likely does, but I felt really happy that he was with 18 yr olds who have swung into action to help a mate.

(Sorry OP, if I wasn’t clear, I would have said this time last year that my DS was a bit unprepared for uni and would have been freaking out at the thought of him away from home with a broken foot)