How to prepare immature DS for university

[katedan]

DS 18 is due to start uni in September ( grades permitting) he is very young for his age and I admit DH and I have not helped by doing too much for him as he is our first. His personal presentation is poor and would not think to book haircut, dentist etc unless reminded. He complains if asked to do any household task and has never cleaned toilet, bathroom or wash clothes. He still looks very young and as a result other people treat him a lot younger. If something happens at school it is the teachers or our fault and he can't take responsibility. The lockdown has meant he has rarely left the house apart from school when it was open or his part time job once a week. He has not learnt to drive ( although this was impacted by COVID). He has never had friends since being in secondary school so no opportunities now to do things with his peers.

How can I prepare him and make him grow up and prepare him practically and socially for university.

He has not had friends since he was 11 years old! He has a whole load of catching up to do with socialising that he can only do himself. What have you/him done in the past to address this?

He is nearly an adult, can’t do basic self care and doesn’t have friends. Is he NT or is he depressed? I imagine not having friends for half your life would make you depressed.

Wait... you say he hasn’t had any friends since he started secondary school? So no friends since he was 11? Why didn’t you encourage his social skills sooner?

My DS will be a bit older (nearly 20) when he heads off to uni in Sept. This makes no difference to his lack of preparedness as he’s generally clueless about most things. It is not through being incapable though: he’s my baby and I have indulged him. I think he will probably be OK. But I am also writing a semi-joking “life manual” for him, including how to do the washing, washing up, cleaning a toilet, personal hygiene, budgeting and so on. I keep thinking of more things to add so it may end up being a bit of a tome!

Part of me is ashamed he does not already know this.

He needs to be able to use washing machine, drier and dwasher.
I remember DCs telling me about someone wiping kitchen down with pure bleach and another living on cereal ( didn't help their mood).

A lot of quieter kids don't meet up with friends by late secondary.
Many mid teens used to retreat to their rooms pre computers too.

We had a lad like this in our shared house. His parents literally came in and sorted out his room, made his bed up, food for the term, etc. He never cooked a thing. He also didn't achieve his potential, as he'd had too much support. I was staggered as I'd had no support and found this helicoptering very odd.

He managed tho, people find a way...

The practical stuff will soon be learnt "on the job". Based on my experience, most (not all) boys in their first year didn't cut their hair, wash very often, clean or visit dentists, many didn't cook anything, just ate tinned food and pre prepared stuff. They definitely didn't change their bed more than about once a year. There'll come at time when necessity takes over and he'll have to wash up, visit a launderette catch a bus, go to Tesco or whatever.

I would be worried about the social side. He's never had friends or been out socially, never experienced alcohol been to a pub, party, festival? Perhaps he's naturally a loner and prefers his own company? Hopefully he'll find his tribe at uni. There are lots of clubs and societies he could be encouraged to join if he is struggling socially.

You say he has a job which is a first step to independence and maturity.

Does he really want to go to University? What's the career plan?

He's holding down a part time job so his presentation must be a bit better than poor? The lack of friends is quite unusual-what's the backstory there?

I wouldn't say my DC1 was the most clued up when he went to University but he figured it all out. Cleaning, using the washing machine isn't hard, and he cooked for himself after not showing much interest before he left. They do things because there's no other option, you can support still but take a step back.

It's good to give people the opportunity to learn tasks and practice them, but the number one lifeskill you can pass on to teenagers is how to problem solve and learn as they go. It is 2021, you can learn how to do literally anything by googling it. If you were an alien who arrived on earth and was presented with a chopping board, knife and frying pan, you could google and find a video about how to chop an onion and step by step make a basic bolognaise sauce. You can google how to do laundry and be led to a washing powder company website that will give you bullet points about separating whites and colours and pre-treating the stains from the spag bol the night before.

You can sit there and think ouch I've got toothache, what should I do. Google it, the NHS website will tell you how to register with a dentist or how to get emergency treatment. Or be wondering is there anywhere nearby to pick up free condoms. Google it and the student union website probably tells you. Or how can I get myself to London to watch a band. Google, see the different options for national express or train ticket costs.

None of it is rocket science. And that's even before thinking hmm maybe I could ask mum, or someone else in the flat if they happen to know. But if you want to be independent and figure it out for yourself, it's not like you have to visit a library these days. We've all got everything you could want to know at the swipe of a screen.

Thank you so much for the responses, I will try to respond

He went to NCS at the end of year 11, he got to know some other kids but this petered out which I know he is sad about

He is very shy and as I say looks very young so this has been a barrier in making friends, he chats to kids in school etc but he does not know how to take him further, we have tried lots of support and encouragement but nothing has worked.

He has no SEN diagnosed he is just very shy.

I definitely need to do less for him and teach him, DH does a lot of the housework in our house so just steps in if I leave it for DS to do ( so male role model is very hands on with chores) but he does not allow others to learn. ( not in a controlling way he wants to help)

Budgeting is on my list to conquer as he is so naive but having money earned each week has been good for him.

Deferral would be my preference but I think that is me not wanting to let him go! I know a lot of this is my fault and I need to be firmer!!

For all those whose DC are also off to uni this year I wish you and them all the best, we need a MN support group.

I would recommend deferral. It would give him time to mature and he can start taking responsibility for himself (get a job etc).

I would worry that he might drop out if he goes too soon.

But if he defers, he's just staying at home and he'll stay as he is. What's the point in that? You have several months until he goes away - time for a crash course, starting with, "If you're not clean then nobody will want to mix with you." You have to be brutal, sometimes.

Really? I'm bringing my KS2 age DC up to be as independent as possible!

We go to the dentist, they introduce themselves to the receptionist

They have to attempt to clean the toilet after themselves

They sort and fold washing, and put it away

Help with shopping lists, shopping and putting it away

Make themselves snacks

Take the lead when crossing the road with supervision

Attempt to pack their own bags for school /activities

Do a lot of their own personal hygiene

Really... Don't over think it, just throw it all at him. Ask him how much he's spent on stuff, remind him of things coming up, but get him to do stuff himself.

Get him really good at making cups of tea.

A bar job with other young people could really do him good.

Also get him going to a gym, possibly playing tennis, cricket or rowing... Good group activities that are good for friendships.

Supervise him but don't do stuff for him!

I know it's so worrying. I go from thinking it will be the best thing ever for him to how on earth will he manage without us?

When his accommodation is booked, Whatsapp groups are often set up to be the ice-breakers with those in the same flat. I have reminded my DS that most will probably feeling the same way, shy, nervous, overwhelmed but to accept all he can in social invites in the early days and not shut himself away which might seem easier short-term but much harder long-term to make friends.

You can teach the life skills at home over the summer of cooking, cleaning and budgeting.

Personal care is so important, maybe buy him some really good matching aftershave, shower gels and an electric toothbrush etc to encourage him to take care of himself.

I think lockdown made it too easy for some teenagers to neglect personal care and sit in joggers all day.

Oh bless. Where I work I’d say a quarter of the freshers are pretty clueless and another quarter could probably run the country already and better than the existing crew. Most are middling in life skills and none of them starve in the middle of the plethora of cafes, bars, refractories and take aways that cluster round campus. A good part of uni life is about learning to take care of yourself and take responsibility and it’s a much more supported experience than nearly anything else I can think of as a transition to adulthood. I would only be concerned if you had worries about him getting in trouble or drugs/alcohol issues. If it’s basic life skills, there are only so many cup noodles you can eat before instinct kicks in and you find a saucepan.

Basic life skills like cleaning/laundry/cooking aren't difficult. I don't remember my parents doing me a huge Mrs Hinch style tutorial about how to clean the bathroom, and even now when faced with a strange washing machine I may have to get the instructions out. Shopping is easy.
Everyone figures it out

@Thewolvesarerunningagain

Oh bless. Where I work I’d say a quarter of the freshers are pretty clueless and another quarter could probably run the country already and better than the existing crew. Most are middling in life skills and none of them starve in the middle of the plethora of cafes, bars, refractories and take aways that cluster round campus. A good part of uni life is about learning to take care of yourself and take responsibility and it’s a much more supported experience than nearly anything else I can think of as a transition to adulthood. I would only be concerned if you had worries about him getting in trouble or drugs/alcohol issues. If it’s basic life skills, there are only so many cup noodles you can eat before instinct kicks in and you find a saucepan.

I think this a great post. I was useless at domestic things when I started university. As someone else pointed out,anyone can Google "how to cook pasta" or whatever. He will probably live in squalor and not get his haircut for a year then gradually start to improve and acquire life skills

I think you have to step back and let them fly the nest. You have all summer if you want to give him a few pointers. I know it's tough finding work at the moment but a summer job would be ideal for him in terms of independence and life experience.

Hand hold from me Op, it's natural to worry. My eldest son is grown up now and working full time but I still worry about him!

With barbers being shut most of the last year,p DS and his flatmates have mastered the clippers - with interesting results - especially after a drink or two 😆

Loads of kids go to uni not able to do any domestic stuff. They soon learn.

My warning would be about finances. If he doesn't attend uni and hand in work he can still rack up the debt. I know of students who didn't attend and so got removed from their courses having wasted all that money in loans, which they can't get again. They also signed up to a year in accommodation for which their parents were liable even after they got kicked out and for the council tax. They cost their families thousands and had nothing to show for it just 6 months of partying.

Be vigilant.

My middle son is extremely academic but does not give a shit how he looks, currently resembling Jesus refusing to get a haircut or shaved.

The lockdown has been a blessing in disguise as both my older kids have been studying from home and love cooking and online shopping delivery's. I think everyone is different thou as their friends love a good night out drinking where my kids don't drink after seeing their dad drink himself stupid. I would try educate him on safety around Alcohol as this can lead to a lot of trouble especially when they are away and are invited to all the social events. Money management as well.

Looking young isn’t an issue. Not having any friends at 18 is. Not having basic catering skills is less of an issue than no social skills. I think you’re making excuses a little and not facing the reality of a young person who hasn’t managed to fit into a peer group.

What would I do? I think I’d encourage him to gain life experience and go off to some residential volunteering activity for a few weeks. If not volunteering then an activity based residential that offered structure and people his own age away from parents.

Volunteering at a watersports centre, with something structured and which is less ‘popular group mainstream’ teenage boys like scouts or something hugely different like a homeless shelter or supporting the medical teams in the Calais camps. If not then a surfing holiday, travelling or world explorer type thing.

my ds is also 18 and off to uni.

He finishes exams at end of May and then is at a loose end until Sept.

So I would sit down with dh and make a plan.
As he will be home for the next 3-4 months, he can either go and get a job. (but you will need to kick him out the door to make this happen)
Or take on a voluntary role for some weeks over the summer
Or he takes on a portion of what needs doing at home.

• cooks once a week

-has to do a load of washing once a week

• has to do a certain chore around the house.

Once you and dh have agreed, make sure he is on onside with not doing it for him.
Then sit down with ds and have the same conversation.

Doing something constructive over the summer, especially if he earns money, will help him.

But I agree with the pp who said that many first years are clueless, and uni is the perfect place to learn. Don't worry.
He will grow up.

Trust your instincts, encourage social confidence including personal hygiene in it. My son is deferring as he felt he wasn't ready. My son is young for his age but does have a small group of friends. Lockdown has made it difficult for young ones to progress and your son may benefit socially by deferring uni but going to work, joining some clubs and generally widening his horizons gently.

Please don't inflict him on his flatmates without teaching him how to clean up after himself. Both of my dc had students in their house who seemed incapable of doing it (and didn't improve despite being asked repeatedly to clean up)

You can teach him plenty of basics before September, simple meals, laundry, general cleaning etc. In terms of budgeting, I'd recommend a monzo card. We topped our dc's account up on a weekly basis (they only got the minimum loan) so they didn't get the chance to spend it all at the start of the month.