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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Opinions on 17 dd staying with bf whilst parents away

86 replies

Atimetocry · 25/03/2021 20:27

Just wanted some opinions on the following situation. My dd who has just turned 17 has been going out with her boyfriend (who is six months older) for just over a year. We have a close relationship and I have discussed sex and contraception. She is quite a young 17 and to my knowledge they have not yet had sex as she wanted to wait until she felt ready. She knows she can speak to me about anything and I have left them to enjoy their relationship without interfering. He treats her well and they first and foremost have a lovely friendship.

My dilemma is that his parents are going away when lockdown lifts for a long weekend and my dds bf is not going away with them. They have never had a sleepover at either house before, but his mum likes my dd and has said that if my dd wants to stay over at their house whilst they are away then she can. I have agreed to this in principle, as he only lives locally and she can always come home if she’s not happy!! It’s not as if they’re heading off for a week abroad in the sun. However, I know her dad will be against the idea and potentially will say she can’t go. My thoughts are that they if he has a free house for three days then they can potentially do anything they want during the day so what’s the harm in her staying the night! My Dh is a typical man when it comes to his dd! He doesn’t really want to think of her growing up. Any opinions on how you would handle this and would you let your dd stay even if her dad did not give his consent?

OP posts:

Greenmarmalade · 25/03/2021 20:29

I would not allow it.

ladywithnomanors · 25/03/2021 20:31

I wouldn’t like it but I would probably allow it. I wouldn’t go against my DH though.

SavageBeauty73 · 25/03/2021 20:36

Consent? She's 17. I went on holiday with my boyfriend for 3 weeks at 17. You need to let go.

OuiOuiKitty · 25/03/2021 20:39

I would leave her to make her own decisions. I left home at 17. At 17 you are old enough to know what you want. It's difficult but there comes a time when you just have to trust that you have done your job and leave them to make own lives.

Nutrigrainygoodness · 25/03/2021 20:40

Shes 17, I would let it go.

She could move out without your consent if she wanted.

Mintyt · 25/03/2021 20:44

Oh my. She 17 they have been together for a (teen) long time. You trust them both, you both sound sensible and I understand your concern
What will be will be

MadMadMadamMim · 25/03/2021 20:47

As pp, I left home at 17.

Mainly because my parents were strict and I needed permission for everything.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 25/03/2021 20:47

Well she can move out altogether if she wants to so if she just wouldn't go home your DH won't really get to make the choice. She might come home when he tells her to but really that is her being made to do something by her dad that she doesn't want to do when he is actually making her do something she in now old enough to make her own choice about.... and that doesn't really sound good if you ask me.

Einszwei · 25/03/2021 20:52

You have discussed contraception, but is she actively on any?

tinylittleyou · 25/03/2021 21:02

Agree with PPs that technically you could leave home at 17. She’s over the age of consent, been in a relationship for a year and is at a perfectly normal/average age to start having sex. I really don’t see what you’d achieve by not allowing overnight stay. Not sure what you mean about your DH being a typical man regarding his daughter, would he have a different set of rules if she were a boy? I think your priority should be going over contraception again and making sure she is on it if they are having or planning to have sex.

Oblomov21 · 25/03/2021 21:09

at pp's. She's 17, of course she can stay over!

Easterbunnygettingready · 25/03/2021 21:11

I left home a week after I was 17.
To live with my bf... Let her go with your blessing... Could be worse...
She may be going one way.

RizzleRazzle · 25/03/2021 21:15

Yes at 17 I'd be fine with it. Plus as you say, if they were going to do anything they could it in the day time anyway.

I moved out at 17!

idontlikealdi · 25/03/2021 21:18

She's 17, if they want a shag they'll do it anyway!

multiplemum3 · 25/03/2021 21:18

Why on earth wouldn't her dad let her go? Why so possessive of someone who can legally move out? Jesus christ let the poor girl go before she runs.

ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 25/03/2021 21:24

She's 17 so as long as she is aware on safe sex etc I'd let her.

Original poster

Atimetocry · 25/03/2021 21:24

Thanks everyone for your opinions so far!

@Einszwei We have open discussions all the time about the pill and she has said she doesn’t want to go on it for contraceptive purposes because of the potential side effects. However, following this offer of staying over, I have brought this up again last night and said she should do her research and see how she feels. She knows I would not feel happy about her staying over without sorting out suitable contraception (preferably condoms and the pill).

@tinylittleyou Yes, I do think it’s double standards unfortunately with my dh and he would not have a problem with a 17 year old son sleeping over at his girlfriends!

OP posts:

MM321 · 25/03/2021 21:26

@Atimetocry I think this is the point in her life where you need to sit back and let her make her own decisions 😊 you sound like you’ve raised her to have a very open line of communication with you so just trust that if she doesn’t want to stay or wants to talk to you about anything then she will 😊 just trust that you’ve raised her well! I think you need to get DH into that way of thinking too!

WellTidy · 25/03/2021 21:29

I was 18 and one month leaving home and going to university, and I think my parents would also have said that I was a very young 18.

We didn’t have a telephone in my hall of residence, and I spoke to my parents maybe once a fortnight.

They wouldn’t have had a clue what I was doing for a few weeks at a time. And there was plenty of staying out all night going on when I was in my first year.

That said, whenever I went home, I played by my parents’ rules. DH and I only ever slept in the same bed when we went to visit once we were engaged, at age 30.

Einszwei · 25/03/2021 21:35

@Atimetocry Any reason why you are discussing the pill in particular? I can understand why she may be reluctant to they hormonal contraceptives. Maybe something such as the ring might be an option. This would allow her to remove it herself straight away if she had any unpleasant side effects. Or there are non normal methods such as the coil?

I have never understood why the pill is pushed onto young girls. It's so easy to forget to take.

GoWalkabout · 25/03/2021 21:35

Please tell her Dad he does not get to police her sex life or her choices. You and she are having the sensible conversations, don't pander to his neanderthal tendencies. And tell him he makes her feel bad about it at his peril! Make sex - if and when she and a partner wants it - a positive experience not an argument.

sjfjsnfkdhsbd · 25/03/2021 21:42

Does she actually want to stay over? I can't see where you've talked about that. It's just about what you're ok with and you bringing up contraception.

There's a difference between being non-judgemental / supportive and pressuring her to have sex or get into a situation she's not comfortable with because you're so determined to be cool about it that you're pushing things.

What does she want?

activitythree · 25/03/2021 21:42

Any opinions on how you would handle this and

Tbh by 17 the safe sex chat should be in the distant past. I can't think of any 'handling' I needed to do for either of mine in terms of staying at boy/girl friends houses at 17.

would you let your dd stay even if her dad did not give his consent?

It's not really down to her dad or you to consent to this.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 25/03/2021 21:49

I'd let her go. Not letting her stay over isn't going to stop them having sex. Or maybe she will stay over and they won't have sex.

You've done the talks. She knows she can come to you if need be. You could buy her a box of condoms, as teens can feel too embarrassed.

After that, butt out of her sex life.

Your DH's views are not uncommon, but the whole ' daddy's princess must be a pure virgin' is misogynistic, and frankly, there's something really unsavoury about it. Your daughter sounds very sensible. Your husband is the one who needs a talking to.

Bazoo23 · 25/03/2021 21:51

She's almost an adult, you can't stop her sleeping out!
I was going on weekends away with my boyfriend at 17, I wouldnt have dreamed of asking permission from my parents.

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