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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Opinions on 17 dd staying with bf whilst parents away

86 replies

Atimetocry · 25/03/2021 20:27

Just wanted some opinions on the following situation. My dd who has just turned 17 has been going out with her boyfriend (who is six months older) for just over a year. We have a close relationship and I have discussed sex and contraception. She is quite a young 17 and to my knowledge they have not yet had sex as she wanted to wait until she felt ready. She knows she can speak to me about anything and I have left them to enjoy their relationship without interfering. He treats her well and they first and foremost have a lovely friendship.

My dilemma is that his parents are going away when lockdown lifts for a long weekend and my dds bf is not going away with them. They have never had a sleepover at either house before, but his mum likes my dd and has said that if my dd wants to stay over at their house whilst they are away then she can. I have agreed to this in principle, as he only lives locally and she can always come home if she’s not happy!! It’s not as if they’re heading off for a week abroad in the sun. However, I know her dad will be against the idea and potentially will say she can’t go. My thoughts are that they if he has a free house for three days then they can potentially do anything they want during the day so what’s the harm in her staying the night! My Dh is a typical man when it comes to his dd! He doesn’t really want to think of her growing up. Any opinions on how you would handle this and would you let your dd stay even if her dad did not give his consent?

OP posts:

hayjam · 26/03/2021 09:29

My parents were very strict and I couldn't have a bf stay over until I had move out and moved away. But they didn't really say anything if I stayed at a boys house. Strange. My dad always said not under my roof lol.

Livpool · 26/03/2021 09:29

This wouldn't bother me. I wouldn't be supporting DH - especially if he wouldn't have a problem with a 17 year old son

Runway · 26/03/2021 09:31

Except he wouldn’t feel like that about a son the op says. It’s because they view sex as something ‘done to’ women by men, not something they actively enjoy. It’s a gross attitude

GoryGilmore · 26/03/2021 09:31

I also left home at 17 because my parents wouldn’t give me any breathing space and wouldn’t let me make any of my own decisions.

She can legally have sex, she can legally move out. She can pretty much do whatever she wants, she doesn’t need ‘permission’ for those things. If parents start making things like that part of the terms of ‘living under my roof’ it usually just pushes the teenager away.

I think having a discussion about being safe and knowing she can call you if she wants to be picked up at any point is enough.

GrannieD · 26/03/2021 09:46

Does your DH think that sex only happens at bedtime?

Sounds like you have a great relationship with her so dont ruin it or she will be off. I too left home at 17 due to controlling parents.

Parkerwhereareyou · 26/03/2021 09:51

OP, as you've said. the thing here isn't really the sleepover for you for your DD. She will v most likely end up intimate with her bf sooner or later, if not already. You get it snd are v sensibly letting her live her life, in the wings for support as required. You know this is a healthy respectful happy relationship. All our daughters have to start somewhere and this seems like an excellent start.

Dad can't cope. V common and understandable. Unfortunately the very thought of nighttime, lights out and, god forbid, bed is just doing his head in. He's able to block out the thought of passion on the playroom floor at 11.30 am but bed is bed.
Bless him he's just going to have to get a grip. I guess talking to him is the only option? He's got to allow this sometime, because it's happening with or without him.
Personally I think best to get used to it ASAP and be happy for her.

iVampire · 26/03/2021 09:56

I’m grappling with a similar one

I’m CEV. We have to take Covid precautions seriously.

The step permitting indoors household mixing does not happen before May.

DD meets her boyfriend outdoors, and I expect ends up inside when near his (not strictly necessary journey on public transport, as he’s not that local).

Wants to stay over.

I’m more bothered about the Covid risk than when she starts having sex with him (bound to happen at some point this summer)

Yes she’s mixing at school, and I’m sure she’s not social distancing with him when they meet out of school. So it doesn’t seem like it’s adding to the risk for her to go into his house as well. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is wrong

needadvice54321 · 26/03/2021 09:59

We are leaving DS1(17) home alone for a weekend in July - assuming CR allow it, he's having a couple of friends stay over. I'm not aware of a girlfriend, but if I was I wouldn't be comfortable with her staying whilst we were away.

Runway · 26/03/2021 10:00

@iVampire have you not had the vaccine?

You can’t stop young people living their lives

Original poster

Atimetocry · 26/03/2021 10:06

@Runway

It’s not a different world to when we were young. I’m 45 and stayed over at my BF’s and he stayed at mine from 16. He was meant to stay on the floor but of course he didn’t. Sex is a normal part of a relationship.

Your husband sounds misogynistic and a bit gross. His daughter’s sex life at 17 is none of his business

Thank you for your response. My parents were like yours and thirty years ago let my 18 year old boyfriend sleep over on the settee and turned a blind eye to our nocturnal arrangements. My husband’s upbringing was very different to yours and mine. He respected his mother’s decisions about who slept over at her house - which was no one until he was 22!! He is not misogynistic or gross and has never once discussed or commented on our dd’s sex life. His views on sex are influenced by his own upbringing (rightly or wrongly).

We have always supported her wish to gain independence openly as a family - whether this be compromising on how late she can stay at a party or discussing alcohol consumption when she was 15. As a result of allowing her some freedom and trusting her, she has never been the one in her friendship group to get ridiculously drunk or sneak out of the house behind our backs. She has not rushed into a sexual relationship and after having the ‘safe sex’ chat, we have left them alone to enjoy their relationship without interference. My dh just wants our dd to be happy and stay safe. After a bit of a bumpy time when she was her early teens, they are very close. We are lucky that our dd respects our opinions and seeks them out before making her own decisions. I trust her to make the right choices on this matter.

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 26/03/2021 10:06

There's a further covid angle - how much has teen courtship changed?

It's possibly a good thing if a hiatus in face to face contact means they have spent longer as interested friends (than they would have done if touch had been readily available).

I think your DH will come round to the idea - agree that it's a biggie when you find out your DC has become sexually active. I worry about heartbreak as much as anything else.

iVampire · 26/03/2021 10:09

I have had one shot of the vaccine, and as the early studies in those with blood cancers show that only 8-13% of us have measurable antibodies 3-5 weeks after, I’m not exactly relying on it.

And once we’ve reached the step in easing restrictions such that households can meet indoors, then I would not be in this dilemma. It’s the next two months where I worry

Mrsjayy · 26/03/2021 10:15

I allowed stayovers at this age I preferred to know where they were than then lying about staying with "friends.,like I used to do

Original poster

Atimetocry · 26/03/2021 10:17

@needadvice54321

Thanks for your comment. I think in your circumstances I would agree. I would definitely want to meet anyone male/female who was planning on staying over at my home. Have you had a discussion with him about girlfriends?

OP posts:

tinylittleyou · 26/03/2021 10:20

I don't think that is unusual actually. When a child starts having a relationship, parents can often feel a mixture of emotions; they know their child is growing up and will flee the nest soon. They want to protect them and keep them a bit longer. It doesn't last but is quite acute while the feelings are present. We cannot help how we feel. The op's father will come round when he gets used to it.

OP has said he probably wouldn’t be this way if their DD was a boy. I agree it’s probably not uncommon but that sort of attitude is quite grim and misogynistic as PPs have pointed out.

WouldBeGood · 26/03/2021 10:30

I’d be absolutely fine with it and would tell your DH he’s being unfair. It all sounds like a nice set up.

I’d buy her condoms too. In case there’s teenage embarrassment about their purchase.

Original poster

Atimetocry · 26/03/2021 10:35

@AuntieStella

There's a further covid angle - how much has teen courtship changed?

It's possibly a good thing if a hiatus in face to face contact means they have spent longer as interested friends (than they would have done if touch had been readily available).

I think your DH will come round to the idea - agree that it's a biggie when you find out your DC has become sexually active. I worry about heartbreak as much as anything else.

Thank you for replying. I agree that Covid has probably played a big part in how slow my dds relationship has developed. They got together before the first lockdown and didn’t see each other for months. In some ways it was like an old fashioned courtship - albeit that they spent hours talking on FaceTime and Social media!! She says that it’s strange they haven’t been able to do the usual things that couples do like going to the cinema together or spontaneously going out for food. There’s only so many socially distanced walks you can enjoy when you’re 16/17!! It has definitely ensured that my dds friendship with him has developed first which is so important. I am grateful for all his support towards my dd as she has struggled a bit over the past year. Time will tell if it ends in heart break... but that’s another rite of passage unfortunately!!

OP posts:

WithIcePlease · 26/03/2021 10:40

I'd be fine with it too
With the proviso he doesn't expect her to do all the cooking and cleaning up

DIshedUp · 26/03/2021 10:40

She's 17, they've been together a year and it sounds respectful. Shes old enough to make her own decisions in this respecr and your DH doesn't get to make that decision for her

In all honesty I cant really imagine a better scenario really for a teen having sex for the first time than having sex with a long term boyfriend, in a safe location.

Maybe just have a chat with her to make sure she really wants to go. If she doesn't you can always say no for her and she can use strict parent

TheCraicDealer · 26/03/2021 10:54

She's 17, sensible, nice respectful bf of a year, she's talking to you about her choices and keeping you in the loop- I'm sorry but is this not pretty much the dream scenario? I'd be waving her off and telling her to be sensible but have fun.

I'm 32, my parents got a lot wrong but one thing they did right was the sex issue. I had a long-standing bf during my teens (sounds v like your DD's) and when I was 17 my dad said he could stay in my bed with me when he stayed over. Now it was only a single bed so I skipped the offer, but I remember feeling so happy that my dad was treating me as an adult and not pretending that "his daughter doesn't have sex" like so many of my friends' dads. It certainly shaped my views on sex as a normal and healthy part of adult relationships and nothing to be ashamed of.

DropDTuning · 26/03/2021 10:56

He is not misogynistic or gross and has never once discussed or commented on our dd’s sex life.

Then why does he have anything to say about her staying at her boyfriend's house?

What is it to do with, if not sex?

tarapinn · 26/03/2021 21:34

My ds is 19 and has a 17yo gf. She is always staying here, and him at hers. They went to Crete last he together. She's on the pill. All very sensible and normal.

I can't believe it's such an issue

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 27/03/2021 08:40

There are two sets of parents who need to be happy, and I think that may be the obstacle, from what I read.

Ifeelmuchlessfat · 27/03/2021 09:59

Just wanted to say that I stayed at my boyfriends house for the weekend around the same age in similar circumstances.
I still remember it - the exhilarating feeling of freedom - as one of the most exciting times of my life, even though I’m now in my 50s and have travelled the world. It felt like I was on the cusp of adulthood, and yet safe at the same time.

It could also be a lovely memory for her. It would be a shame, surely, to deprive her of it?

Original poster

Atimetocry · 28/03/2021 10:20

@Ifeelmuchlessfat

Just wanted to say that I stayed at my boyfriends house for the weekend around the same age in similar circumstances. I still remember it - the exhilarating feeling of freedom - as one of the most exciting times of my life, even though I’m now in my 50s and have travelled the world. It felt like I was on the cusp of adulthood, and yet safe at the same time.

It could also be a lovely memory for her. It would be a shame, surely, to deprive her of it?

Thank you for your reply @Ifeelmuchlessfat Our teens have definitely not had the chance to experience real freedom this past year. My dd said she is really looking foward to being allowed to cook and watch films in a house other than her own! The summer when I turned 16 was one of the happiest times of my life. There has been no prom, festivals or concerts to go to and I really want my dd to be able to make the sort of memories that you’ve just described.

OP posts:

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