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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Opinions on 17 dd staying with bf whilst parents away

86 replies

Atimetocry · 25/03/2021 20:27

Just wanted some opinions on the following situation. My dd who has just turned 17 has been going out with her boyfriend (who is six months older) for just over a year. We have a close relationship and I have discussed sex and contraception. She is quite a young 17 and to my knowledge they have not yet had sex as she wanted to wait until she felt ready. She knows she can speak to me about anything and I have left them to enjoy their relationship without interfering. He treats her well and they first and foremost have a lovely friendship.

My dilemma is that his parents are going away when lockdown lifts for a long weekend and my dds bf is not going away with them. They have never had a sleepover at either house before, but his mum likes my dd and has said that if my dd wants to stay over at their house whilst they are away then she can. I have agreed to this in principle, as he only lives locally and she can always come home if she’s not happy!! It’s not as if they’re heading off for a week abroad in the sun. However, I know her dad will be against the idea and potentially will say she can’t go. My thoughts are that they if he has a free house for three days then they can potentially do anything they want during the day so what’s the harm in her staying the night! My Dh is a typical man when it comes to his dd! He doesn’t really want to think of her growing up. Any opinions on how you would handle this and would you let your dd stay even if her dad did not give his consent?

OP posts:

Original poster

Atimetocry · 25/03/2021 21:56

@WellTidy Thanks for your reply. It brought back memories from of my time at uni and intermittently ringing my parents from a phone box at the end of the street when I remembered! Can you imagine how we would cope these days only speaking to our children once a fortnight!

The dilemma I have is working out to handle the situation in a very different world to the one I was a teenager in. I was only allowed my boyfriend to sleep at my house when I was nearly 18. He had to sleep on the settee and me in my bedroom. My parents did turn a blind eye to where I spent the night, as long as I woke up in my own bed in the morning! I think once this sleepover happens at his house, it might be expected that this is reciprocated at our house. Again, I would be happy to let them sleep together here, but dh would definitely not allow it - certainly not before she turned 18.

OP posts:

WellTidy · 25/03/2021 22:03

Atime You’re welcome! My parents have me a BT charge card in the end, in a desperate bid to get me to call home once in a while. It was essentially a charge card linked to their bill and number, which meant that I didn’t have to pay for calls. I have a young teen (boy) of my own and have no idea how I will navigate this when it comes. As you say, the world is a different place, and parents take very different views now than they did 25-30 years ago. I wouldn’t want to alienate my child or push him away.

I have read a few threads like yours on MN over the last couple of years, and I started off being so surprised by the responses, which are always largely what you’ve had - that it is her business at 17. But I accept that, whilst relating that just saying this makes me sound ancient and out of touch, things are really different now.

Good luck.

Original poster

Atimetocry · 25/03/2021 22:16

@sjfjsnfkdhsbd Yes, I have asked her if she wants to go..... that’s the first thing I asked her. Contraception was only mentioned as part of the wider discussion. I am not definitely not pushing the pill and am proud that she has made her own choices about how the relationship has progressed. The decision about contraception will be hers, hence the reason I’ve told her to research all the options to help her make an informed decision. I haven’t voiced my own preference for her to go on the pill. I’ve just been a supportive sounding board when she needs me. She is very excited at the thought of spending some alone time with her bf watching films and cooking and having some much needed alone time after an enforced period of togetherness with family (as close as we are!!). She may or may not decide to have sex when she stays, but I have at least opened up the channels of communication to show her she can talk to me if she wants.

OP posts:

2bazookas · 25/03/2021 22:18

If she has not yet had sex, I'd be slightly wary that the parental absence is creating some pressure on her to dtd, in a sort of "run out of excuses not to" way.

So maybe you need to have a very frank talk with her about whether she's really ready. (and if so, whether she's got her own contraception sorted out because please don't rely on condoms).

daisyjgrey · 25/03/2021 22:27

I wouldn't have an issue with it if your relationship with her is as open as you describe.

I'd also be having a stern conversation with your husband about how she's 17 and he doesn't get to decide whether is (over the age of consent) daughter has sex or not. The "I don't want anyone touching my daughter" is damaging and I'd nip it in the bud asap.

Original poster

Atimetocry · 25/03/2021 22:44

@2bazookas Thank you for your comment. That’s a really good point. Her bf has not put any pressure on her as far as I’m aware so far. I did say to my dd that he might see her agreeing to sleep over as a green light for them to finally dtd. His expectations of her agreeing to stay over for the weekend might be different to hers, so she’ll have to think about how she deals with this. She is definitely her own person and I am confident that she will work out how to broach this. The fact that she has not said she definitely wants to sort out contraception when I discussed it makes me think that she might not yet be ready. I’ll just broach the subject again about her readiness as carefully as I can and leave her to make her own decisions.

OP posts:

SavageBeauty73 · 25/03/2021 23:07

You are seriously overthinking this. They've been together for a year so must be close. Let them get on with it. She sounds sensible.

Strangekindofwoman · 25/03/2021 23:14

I don't think at 17 you can stop her. It's not really the case of allowing her

NiceGerbil · 25/03/2021 23:18

Yes of course.

It'll be real fun for them having the place to themselves! Especially what with lockdown and everything. Feel like being grown ups!

If they were going to have sex they would have found a way by now.

If they haven't and it's 6 months in then he's unlikely to turn super pushy suddenly is he. He'd have been pushing for ages.

JennyGoHome · 25/03/2021 23:24

I would just have the same concerns as bazooks that her staying over for the first time with no parents in the house could lead him to believe that it was the green light for sex.

I would just reassure her that the decision to have sex is entirely hers and she can say stop at any point. Plus if she wants to come home then she can say she doesn't feel well, has a headache and that you will come and get her.

But your Dh is being ridiculous and needs to understand that she is growing up and there is nothing wrong with her wanting to sleep over at her boyfriend's house.

Original poster

Atimetocry · 25/03/2021 23:26

@SavageBeauty73 @Strangekindofwoman
Thanks, I agree with both of you. I have no issue with the situation personally. My dilemma was more around my dhs reluctance to agree to her sleeping over and how to broach this. She is 17 and I agree it shouldn’t be a case of whether he ‘allows it’. But she respects our opinion and wants his blessing so she can enjoy her time away. I’ll have to think about the discussion I need to have with my dh.

OP posts:

Zancah · 25/03/2021 23:26

@Greenmarmalade

I would not allow it.

Lol at "allowing"

Talk to her, make sure she is confident with her boundaries and has contraception. I'm guessing they've probably made some sort of pact or "appointment" to do it then, it seems likely at that age and in that scenario.
Even if they haven't made the plan, they'll be DTD at some point, so you need to make peace with it and treat her as an adult.
Ah, young love and an empty house!

Andi2020 · 25/03/2021 23:30

I have a dd 17 and her bf 17 and they sleep over at both houses the first couple of times they just cuddled up and then started to be intimate after a few sleep overs.
They both talked it through with each other before hand and built up to it.
My dd has a bar for contraception and he also used condoms.
I didn't expect them to be asking me or DH permission they are legal age.
Dh just asked the first night what time have I to drop him home and I said hes staying and that was all was said.

Pinetreesfall · 25/03/2021 23:32

Crikey I got offered a job in Mongolia at 17 and left home officially at just 18!
You obviously care a lot which is lovely but let her stay! Worse case scenario you have to go and pick her up at 3am if she wants come home!

jessstan2 · 25/03/2021 23:37

@MadMadMadamMim

As pp, I left home at 17.

Mainly because my parents were strict and I needed permission for everything.

Mine were like that, MadMadam.

...........

Op, you can't stop your daughter going there and staying overnight. As has been said she is old enough to leave home. I'm sure she will be fine, she and boyfriend sound like really nice teenagers. He isn't going to make her do anything she doesn't want to do.

She is going to have sex sooner or later you know. Better with a nice boyfriend who cares about her than anyone else. You've advised her about contraception etc and he is bound to know the same. However, that is their business.

Try not to worry and - calm your husband down.

greatauntfanny · 25/03/2021 23:38

uncomfortable with men who give themselves the right to police their 17 year old daughter’s sex life

jessstan2 · 26/03/2021 05:09

@greatauntfanny

uncomfortable with men who give themselves the right to police their 17 year old daughter’s sex life

I don't think that is unusual actually. When a child starts having a relationship, parents can often feel a mixture of emotions; they know their child is growing up and will flee the nest soon. They want to protect them and keep them a bit longer. It doesn't last but is quite acute while the feelings are present. We cannot help how we feel. The op's father will come round when he gets used to it.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 26/03/2021 05:30

OK, it is quite a thing for us parents once our teens start serious relationships.

But she is 17, it all sounds very positive. TBH, when you talk about her confidence and decision making abilities, in the context of a relationship with a boy, what are you showing her if in your household the views of two women are over ruled by one man? Does he get to police her relationships and your decisions?

Cocogreen · 26/03/2021 05:36

My kids are in their 20s, so I have been through this.
I am 99% certain that one or both of them will be expecting to have sex during this sleepover because they have the house to themselves.

Cocogreen · 26/03/2021 05:40

Also my DH was like yours and didn’t want them sleeping here but managed to turn a blind eye when they went to their partner’s family homes for a sleepover. 🙄

Original poster

Atimetocry · 26/03/2021 09:14

@RainingBatsAndFrogs

OK, it is quite a thing for us parents once our teens start serious relationships.

Thanks for your response. My husband definitely does not get to police her relationships. Her bf is always welcomed and has been included in family arrangements where possible (including family meals when allowed out last summer). I agree with @jessstan2 my dh is probably dealing with a mixture of emotions and also working out the best way to manage teen relationships in today’s world.

My husband’s mother did not let him bring a girlfriend home to sleep over night until he met me and we were 21 and 22 at the time. We both have a very open relationship with our dd, but approach things often from different angles because of our upbringing. His being much more strict than mine. We normally always agree on a compromise together, so I’m sure he’ll come around. If dd wants to go it will be her decision and not mine or his.

OP posts:

Original poster

Atimetocry · 26/03/2021 09:21

@Cocogreen

Also my DH was like yours and didn’t want them sleeping here but managed to turn a blind eye when they went to their partner’s family homes for a sleepover. 🙄

Thanks for your reply. As you’re a parent who has been through this with their kids already, it’s interesting to know how you dealt with it. I can see my dh turning a blind eye to her sleeping at his, but not the other way around! Do you have sons and daughters? Did your dh treat them any differently in this regard?

OP posts:

DropDTuning · 26/03/2021 09:25

17? How are people talking about "not letting her go"? She's an adult. Like others, I was living with my boyfriend at 17.

Runway · 26/03/2021 09:27

It’s not a different world to when we were young. I’m 45 and stayed over at my BF’s and he stayed at mine from 16. He was meant to stay on the floor but of course he didn’t. Sex is a normal part of a relationship.

Your husband sounds misogynistic and a bit gross. His daughter’s sex life at 17 is none of his business

DropDTuning · 26/03/2021 09:28

@jessstan2
don't think that is unusual actually. When a child starts having a relationship, parents can often feel a mixture of emotions; they know their child is growing up and will flee the nest soon. They want to protect them and keep them a bit longer. It doesn't last but is quite acute while the feelings are present. We cannot help how we feel. The op's father will come round when he gets used to it.

It may or may not be unusual but it's totally inappropriate. It's not for him to "come round to it". It's none of his business and is severely overstepping the boundaries of parenting.

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