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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15 DD, pandemic and secret boyfriend

100 replies

TZelix · 21/03/2021 19:27

Need advice on handling this situation...
Having my 15 year old daughter in an all girls school and with us being on lockdown - I was completely unprepared for this...
We have been tracking her on her “wellbeing” walks at the weekends and found her going to weird, quite secluded places in the parks and local commons for the last few weeks.

Yesterday we decided to surprise her and join her in one of those places to see what she gets up to. Well, it was us who got surprised, as we found her there with a boy!
Apparently they met through a school friend and have been meeting like this since Feb. He cycles to see her at the weekends from London and they walk and have been kissing.

Yes, I am shocked to find out like this. But most of all I am paralysed with fear of what could have happened to her - we had countless safety talks before!
We talked a bit yesterday, she knows quite little about this boy, they were only getting to know each other, but he makes her laugh and she seems to like him.
What’s the appropriate response and reaction here? In the heat of the moment I have grounded her for life and taken her phone off, but clearly this is not a sustainable approach. I want her to know that I know she is growing up and will want to have relationships, and I do want her to feel safe talking to me about these things, but the fact that she has been secretly meeting this stranger and during pandemic just makes me furious and sad in equal measures

She has been crying most of the day in her room today, bless her, I think she is shocked and exhausted herself. I am just completely unprepared for handling this kind of situation calmly and wisely, it’s not at all how I thought my daughter’s first boyfriend would appear in our lives. What would you do?

OP posts:
Wondermule · 21/03/2021 19:30

So your 15 year old daughter meets up with a boy (presumably her own age) for a bit of snogging and you decided to sneak up on her? What the fuck? What do you think 15 year olds do, have jelly and ice cream and do some bird watching? Leave her alone and let her enjoy her little rendezvous vous.

Kattenzz · 21/03/2021 19:33

She sounds like every 15 year old girl ever.

Snogging a boy in a park, whatever next.

mollibu · 21/03/2021 19:34

She's 15 not 5!!

She's up to what most girls are at 15. I can't believe you followed her movements and "surprised" her! Poor girl. Let her live a little bit.

bullyingadvice2017 · 21/03/2021 19:37

Poor girl, if you are like this with them it won't stop them being normal teenagers. It will back them into a corner where they have no option but to lie to you.

Notapheasantplucker · 21/03/2021 19:39

Fucking hell, she must feel suffocated if that's how you act!
My Dad used to 'surprise' me when I went out too, it just made me more secretive and smarterWink

Original poster
TZelix · 21/03/2021 19:40

Ok, so the fact that I may be over reacting is actually comforting.
I want to be clear that I have no issues with her having a boyfriend or snogging. What I am reacting to is sneaking around, lying about it and being unsafe. Would you just let it go then?

OP posts:
ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 21/03/2021 19:42

The fact you track her says you don't really have much trust in her. I get it for her safety but seems like you were tracking her a lot then you wonder why she won't tell you...
She sounds like every 15 year old I know and I think you sneaking up on her not only embarrassed her but you've screwed it up to get her to open up to you about these things.
The taking her phone off her is a bit harsh. She is 15 OP.

RandomMess · 21/03/2021 19:42

You discuss ground rules for safety.

You also discuss rules for NOT sending him inappropriate photos. You discuss on line safety and healthy relationships.

You clarify you are upset about the sneaking around and secrecy rather than her having a boyfriend.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/03/2021 19:42

What you've actually shown her is that she was 100% correct to lie to you and sneak around.

You need to repair this. Say, "OK we were shocked but totally overreacted. We care about your safety, talk to us about that".

MazDazzle · 21/03/2021 19:43

The only grounds for you to have any objection to this is the breach of Covid regulations, other than that it’s not really any of your business.

Let it go.

doodleygirl · 21/03/2021 19:43

Why do you track your daughter, are you a billionaire with a high kidnap risk? If not then you are behaving disgracefully.

Kattenzz · 21/03/2021 19:43

In my day it was getting fingered in the back row of the cinema.

What 15 year old tells their family they're meeting a boyfriend?

bluebluezoo · 21/03/2021 19:44

So your 15 year old daughter meets up with a boy (presumably her own age) for a bit of snogging and you decided to sneak up on her? What the fuck? What do you think 15 year olds do, have jelly and ice cream and do some bird watching? Leave her alone and let her enjoy her little rendezvous vous

This.

They met through friends so he’s not a complete unknown, the friend presumably doesn’t think he’s a psycho.

It’s age appropriate. He cycles to see her which I think is quite sweet, he’s putting a but if effort in so he must think well of her.

I think you need to apologise and let her know if she wants to bring him round (when allowed), you’d love to meet him. Maybe point out from a safety point of view it’s sensible to tell someone who she’s meeting- not necessarily you...

Wondermule · 21/03/2021 19:45

What I am reacting to is sneaking around, lying about it and being unsafe.

Frankly I don’t blame her, you sound very overbearing and intrusive.

She will be 16 within a year and entitled to pretty much do what she wants. Let her have some freedom to do normal teenage stuff without you breathing down her neck.

Blacktothepink · 21/03/2021 19:45

Ffs give her the phone back!

MadMadMadamMim · 21/03/2021 19:45

But you didn't decide to surprise her.

You have been tracking her, spying on her movements and deliberately went to find out what she was doing, knowing very well she wasn't expecting you and wouldn't want you suddenly appearing.

This is such a poor example of parenting a teen I'm not sure where to start.

But it is utterly unsurprising that she's hidden this relationship from you. You are far too controlling.

Even now, your response has been to ground her for life and remove her phone.

You need to accept that you are furious and sad because you've been so incredibly controlling that of course she didn't tell you about it. Did you make a scene in front of her boyfriend?

Flumo · 21/03/2021 19:46

I would hate to tell you what I used to get up to when I was 15!! I think as long as she knows how to be 'safe' you should leave her to it.

CovidCorvid · 21/03/2021 19:47

Ok. Firstly you need to apologise for tracking her and stalking her. Major. Betrayal of,trust.

Yes, have a conversation about safety and how she needs to be honest with you about where she’s going and who’s she with.

Give her the phone back and unground her.

I know it’s scary. Dd is 19yo and I don’t even ask anymore where she’s going and who she’s meeting. Probably haven’t for a couple of years. She’s an adult and. I need to trust her. Yes, I know my Dd is a few years older but in terms of how it feels from a safety point of view I don’t think it’s any different and I get that it’s worrying.

TigerDroveAgain · 21/03/2021 19:47

Gee Whizz: I thought my parents were ridiculous 45 years ago with less draconian views than this.

Cut her slack and take the above advice

rainbowdaz · 21/03/2021 19:48

I'm horrified that you tracked your nearly 16 yo and invaded her privacy like that. Basically snuck up on her. That's not ok, especially if you didn't even ask.

Crosstrainer · 21/03/2021 19:48

What’s the appropriate response and reaction here?

I mean this kindly, but not the one you’ve had! What’s she done so wrong? Okay- she hasn’t confided in you, but teenagers are often embarrassed about this sort of thing. She’s having a snog with a boy in the park - they clearly like each other and it all seems pretty harmless. Quite a good intro into relationships with the opposite sex for her, surely?

Wondermule · 21/03/2021 19:48

@Kattenzz

In my day it was getting fingered in the back row of the cinema.

What 15 year old tells their family they're meeting a boyfriend?

Just to make OP’s head explode, we used to lie to our parents about where we were going, borrow tents, pitch them up in a local beauty spot for the night and drink alcopops and smoke Mayfair cigarettes. It was always a challenge finding a tent that wasn’t otherwise occupied Confused

Anyway we’re all still alive today, still mates and looking back we had a bloody good laugh. Oh to be carefree and young again 😂

Kattenzz · 21/03/2021 19:49

@Flumo

I would hate to tell you what I used to get up to when I was 15!! I think as long as she knows how to be 'safe' you should leave her to it.
If it's anything like me at 15 it was going in cars with older boys and getting fingered in the back row of the cinema while drinking white lightning Grin

Snogging a boy your own age in a park sounds very innocent.

Kattenzz · 21/03/2021 19:51

@Wondermule Yep. All tell your parents you'll be at each other's house, then do an overnight in the skate park smoking fags and drinking til you vomit.

Good old days.

OppsUpsSide · 21/03/2021 19:52

You’re the sneaky one here.
I would never do that to DC, ever. If I found out someone was secretly tracking me I would never trust them again. I think you have royally fucked up to be honest.