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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15 DD, pandemic and secret boyfriend

100 replies

TZelix · 21/03/2021 19:27

Need advice on handling this situation...
Having my 15 year old daughter in an all girls school and with us being on lockdown - I was completely unprepared for this...
We have been tracking her on her “wellbeing” walks at the weekends and found her going to weird, quite secluded places in the parks and local commons for the last few weeks.

Yesterday we decided to surprise her and join her in one of those places to see what she gets up to. Well, it was us who got surprised, as we found her there with a boy!
Apparently they met through a school friend and have been meeting like this since Feb. He cycles to see her at the weekends from London and they walk and have been kissing.

Yes, I am shocked to find out like this. But most of all I am paralysed with fear of what could have happened to her - we had countless safety talks before!
We talked a bit yesterday, she knows quite little about this boy, they were only getting to know each other, but he makes her laugh and she seems to like him.
What’s the appropriate response and reaction here? In the heat of the moment I have grounded her for life and taken her phone off, but clearly this is not a sustainable approach. I want her to know that I know she is growing up and will want to have relationships, and I do want her to feel safe talking to me about these things, but the fact that she has been secretly meeting this stranger and during pandemic just makes me furious and sad in equal measures

She has been crying most of the day in her room today, bless her, I think she is shocked and exhausted herself. I am just completely unprepared for handling this kind of situation calmly and wisely, it’s not at all how I thought my daughter’s first boyfriend would appear in our lives. What would you do?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/03/2021 19:54

All talk of fingering aside Halo

I think OP you are struggling with the change in parenting. At 5 your job is to keep them safe. At 15, your job is to support them keeping themselves safe. Keeping them safe at 15 has the opposite effect as they will lie and rebel to get away from that.

Frogsonglue · 21/03/2021 19:55

God my mum's brain would explode if she knew what I used to do in parks when I was 15, and I'm in my 40s now.
The tracking part is really disturbing to me - is she aware that you track her movements? If yes, then she must feel utterly suffocated. If not, then I can't imagine how creeped out she must be feeling now she does know. I don't have any useful advice other than back right off and focus on mending her trust, rather than what you perceive her to have done wrong (nothing, imo).

SingingSands · 21/03/2021 19:55

I'd start by giving her the phone back. Apologise for over reacting and then... just leave it.

She's fifteen. Doing what fifteen year old are supposed to do.

Poor girl is crying all day because she's done nothing wrong and can't even contact her boyfriend and friends for support.

I hate to say this but she's not going to trust you again for a long time.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 21/03/2021 19:55

Wow, I’d be absolutely ashamed to do that to my teens and I’ve got two. Honestly, I’d get some therapy.

Original poster
TZelix · 21/03/2021 20:00

Ladies, I really appreciate your views - it gives me an obviously much needed sense of balance, but calm down please!
The location sharing app is what we all use in our family, it is no secret and is available to all. DD commutes to school a long distance away (train and a bus) and it is a safety feature we agreed on.
The phone has been returned in the morning I do realise I overreacted and clearly the grounding for life bit is a moot and empty threat as no one is going anywhere at the moment anyway, right? In our conversation I also said that we would like to meet this boy when pandemic is over.
My dilemma is in whether breaking safety rules and lying about it is a behaviour that I should be addressing/correcting/punishing at this point, she is actually not 15 until April.
But sounds like I am over reacting in the front too?

OP posts:
Embracelife · 21/03/2021 20:00

Why are you "paralysed with fear"?
What exactly do you think would happen to her ?
You need to let go....

RuthW · 21/03/2021 20:01

I had to re read the post to make sure she wasn't 8.

Perfect normal.

I think you owe her an apology.

GoWalkabout · 21/03/2021 20:07

I can relate OP, I kind of discovered the same about my 15 yo except her romantic interest lives in another country, so all online. He checks out, is her age, and we have kind of come to the conclusion that she has just reached another developmental stage to form relationships. It's hard not to worry though, I'm not surprised you were shocked. Just tell her you trust her, remind her about boundaries and healthy relationships (and sexting no no) and that she can always come to you or call you in a crisis. That's what we've done anyway. It's OK to want to know she's OK.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/03/2021 20:07

My dilemma is in whether breaking safety rules and lying about it is a behaviour that I should be addressing/correcting/punishing at this point, she is actually not 15 until April.

Yes but not with consequences.

Talk to her, openly. Ask why she lied and LISTEN to the answer. Don't take anything personally or try to defend your position. Work out a good balance for her.

As Judge Judy says, "you can tell when teenagers are lying, their lips are moving" it's a defence against intrusion and an act of rebellion that is really important for them to break away from us successfully.

G3ntlemanJ · 21/03/2021 20:14

I do get the shock OP, I really do. She shouldn't have gone behind your back - for the safety element if nothing else - but you have to backtrack here and treat her as the grown up young woman she is becoming.
If you don't then you risk her shutting down completely and not discussing anything with you. And she's going to start having sex and need contraception, etc. She's going to need her mum.

I'd take a cup of tea up to her room, apologise for over-reacting but explain why you were so angry and shocked. Give her phone back to her and ask her to be honest about when she's seeing him and set some ground rules.

And then get a large glass of wine! I have 2 DD, 19 and 15 so I've been there, done that to some extent.

shiningstar2 · 21/03/2021 20:14

I think you reacted so badly because you have had a shock that your little girl isn'.t your little girl anymore. You thought that because she was at an all girls' school, especially adding a very long lockdown into the mix, that you knew all about her.

Normally we parents get a few gradual signals regarding the oldest child in the family changing into an adolescent. [is she your first op? It's often hardest with the first one because before they branch out, the family is often a tight little unit that we imagine is going to go on for ever] The lockdown mad you miss out on that gradual transition we slowly begin to notice... when the giggling with girl friends starts to become more boy focused, the sudden secrecy with phones, the paying more attention to appearance/make up for the bus journey to school. All this didn't happen this year, so you have been shocked and surprised by the sudden change.

A word to the wise ...back off big time. Return the phone. Explain why the area she was meeting while not telling anyone could be dangerous. Ask about the boy in a friendly fashion. What's he like?What does she like about him? What's his name? Where does he live/go to school. Make sure you show that you recognise her right to have a boyfriend. Be interested don't come across as though you are interrogating her. Reminisce about your own first boyfriend.

Then, when you have diffused the situation agree on some rules going forward ...not draconion ...but wanting to know where she is going, when she will be back. We are none of us all that wise at 15 so there is nothing wrong with being concerned about her safety. She may be growing up but you still have a duty of care. As others have said, she will soon be making her own mind up about all sorts of things we parents want to protect them from. You want her to at least listen to your advice, even if she isn't prepared to take all of it on board. Flowers

Original poster
TZelix · 21/03/2021 20:20

Thank you so much for your comment!
I know that I need to make that move from knowing that my daughter will have a boyfriend one day to “he’s here now, deal with it!” And clearly it’s a bit of a balancing act between keeping them safe and letting them make their own mistakes and I will need to find a way to do that and not completely suffocate her. :)
Glad things are working out for you as well!

OP posts:
Original poster
TZelix · 21/03/2021 20:26

@shiningstar2 thank you, that’s exactly it - she is the eldest child and was caught off guard.
There is a big middle ground between getting fingered at 15 and completely suffocating her with my care - I will have to learn how to navigate this! Smile

OP posts:
CovidCorvid · 21/03/2021 20:29

You have to trust that you’ve brought them up well enough to look after themselves as well as anyone can.

Wondermule · 21/03/2021 20:31

My dilemma is in whether breaking safety rules and lying about it is a behaviour that I should be addressing/correcting/punishing at this point, she is actually not 15 until April.

No, call a truce in this one. Her breach of trust was very minor whereas yours was pretty big if I’m honest. So there’s no point punishing her. I hope she feels able to tell you things in future, after that stunt.

Wondermule · 21/03/2021 20:32

[quote TZelix]@shiningstar2 thank you, that’s exactly it - she is the eldest child and was caught off guard.
There is a big middle ground between getting fingered at 15 and completely suffocating her with my care - I will have to learn how to navigate this! Smile[/quote]
Is getting fingered really up there as the worst teen behaviour?! Op I suspect you lived a very sheltered teenage life.

Original poster
TZelix · 21/03/2021 20:32

I would like to thank everyone who shared their thoughts without making attacks on my character, parenting style or judging my views. I think I have a good idea on how I need to fix my situation.

I guess we are here to learn from each other and people who ask for advice often already feel vulnerable and kindness is appreciated.

OP posts:
TownTalkJewels · 21/03/2021 20:35

I understand this is only coming from a place of concern, OP. But I also know your daughter may not see it that way.

Please also talk to her about birth control. I don’t mean to panic you, but teenagers do what they do, and it’s much better for her to be able to talk to you about it openly, rather than risk unprotected sex.

gingerbiscuit19 · 21/03/2021 20:40

I can understand having her where abouts available to you however I am really struggling with the fact you turned up to catch her unannounced. I'd go give her her phone back, apologise and try and make it up to her.

bluebluezoo · 21/03/2021 20:42

The location sharing app is what we all use in our family, it is no secret and is available to all

We have this too. But there has to be an element of trust with it, or she’ll start disabling it when she goes on her “wellbeing walks”.

Mine is a similar age. She also goes on these walks. I ask that she tells me roughly where she’s going, and how long for.

I only check the location if she’s late home, or I want to know if she’s set off home so I can time dinner. We all do this for each other, and we know we do.

It is not used to invade privacy. I wouldn’t dream of using it to “suprise” her and see what she’s doing. That’s a huge breach of trust.

There’s every chance she may be meeting boys. Or girls. But that’s her business.

My 13 year old is allowed out for walks to meet a friend too.

If I thought either were lying or sneaking off, i’d deal with it at home, possibly stop her going out or want more details of who she’s meeting.

But tbh the poor kid must be totally humiliated. To have her parents appear in the middle of a date with a boy she likes in a fairly new relationship...

WhiskyIrnBru · 21/03/2021 20:42

Poor girl, she must be mortified. I think you've over reacted majorly and you will have blown her trust in you to open up to.

RootyT00t · 21/03/2021 20:44

OP, you are being ridiculous. No wonder she doesn't tell you anything. Poor kid.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 21/03/2021 20:44

Hi op I have a 15yo dd and I would have been upset to have discovered this as well. I think 14/15yo vary a lot in maturity and my dd is still young compared to her peers.

That said my dd has been FaceTiming a boy this weekend, I didn't ask any questions and dd actually came to me with a few worries she had about him (he was basically asking her how experienced she was, he's older so 16).

I tried really hard to not react and not offer any advice and actually just by listening dd talked it all through and decided he's not actually that nice and she doesn't want to talk to him anymore.

In your situation I would explain that I was disappointed she hadn't felt able to share what she was doing with you and come to a compromise on her seeing the new boyfriend.

TattooedArm · 21/03/2021 20:45

I was at an all girls school back in the dim and distant past. It made us utterly OBSESSED with boys. Really quite unhealthy looking back. Having a boyfriend was the biggest achievement (although it was an academic school so good grades were close behind Grin)

The girls in my year with the strictest parents were the worst for sneaky behaviour. I think they needed to rebel. Whereas my parents were pretty relaxed (perhaps naively) and me and my siblings largely monitored ourselves.

PatchworkElmer · 21/03/2021 20:48

My parents reacted like this to my first ‘proper’ boyfriend, and honestly it made me damn sure that I wouldn’t share information with them in future. They didn’t meet a boyfriend until I was very serious about DH and thought I’d better get on with it 🤷🏻‍♀️ I agree with others- the main issue here is trying to repair her trust in you after your overreaction.