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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15 DD, pandemic and secret boyfriend

100 replies

TZelix · 21/03/2021 19:27

Need advice on handling this situation...
Having my 15 year old daughter in an all girls school and with us being on lockdown - I was completely unprepared for this...
We have been tracking her on her “wellbeing” walks at the weekends and found her going to weird, quite secluded places in the parks and local commons for the last few weeks.

Yesterday we decided to surprise her and join her in one of those places to see what she gets up to. Well, it was us who got surprised, as we found her there with a boy!
Apparently they met through a school friend and have been meeting like this since Feb. He cycles to see her at the weekends from London and they walk and have been kissing.

Yes, I am shocked to find out like this. But most of all I am paralysed with fear of what could have happened to her - we had countless safety talks before!
We talked a bit yesterday, she knows quite little about this boy, they were only getting to know each other, but he makes her laugh and she seems to like him.
What’s the appropriate response and reaction here? In the heat of the moment I have grounded her for life and taken her phone off, but clearly this is not a sustainable approach. I want her to know that I know she is growing up and will want to have relationships, and I do want her to feel safe talking to me about these things, but the fact that she has been secretly meeting this stranger and during pandemic just makes me furious and sad in equal measures

She has been crying most of the day in her room today, bless her, I think she is shocked and exhausted herself. I am just completely unprepared for handling this kind of situation calmly and wisely, it’s not at all how I thought my daughter’s first boyfriend would appear in our lives. What would you do?

OP posts:
KingsRoad · 21/03/2021 20:53

We've all got 'find my friends' but I wouldn't dream of using it to 'surprise' one of ,y two teenage daughters. Quite honestly I think that is an outrageous thing to do.

It's obvious why she didn't tell you. And I highly doubt she will ever tell you anything.

Original poster
TZelix · 21/03/2021 20:55

@Girliefriendlikespuppies I am in awe of your self control and calmness.
I’d like to think that I would have done the same if she came and asked me. Honesty is valued highly in our house and the fact that she lied on this occasion completely threw me and I my reaction was far from optimum....

OP posts:
Original poster
TZelix · 21/03/2021 21:07

@TattooedArm yes, I think you are right, there are probably certain behaviours that are a direct consequence of being in an all girls school and having strict parents. And I am not out to stifle her liberties, but I did want to get a sense check to what extent 15 year old girls are able to or should be allowed to self-regulate if basic safety rules are ignored... I guess it depends on the maturity of an individual girl, like someone in this thread said.

OP posts:
Borntohula · 21/03/2021 21:15

Crying in her room all day, poor thing. :(

I understand why the idea of her meeting a stranger is worrying though, of course it is. It would have helped if she'd felt able to be open with you. Hopefully in future.

TattooedArm · 21/03/2021 21:17

As she is 14 almost 15 and not 15 almost 16, I think you are quite right to want to know where she is and roughly who she is with. I don't think that's unreasonable at all. Even at 16 she is still your little girl!

I think it's good you've acknowledged you've overreacted and hopefully you can have a calm talk tomorrow and explain your concerns and show her it's coming from a place of love rather than desire to control.

It's easy for me to say though, we haven't entered the teen years yet. Thanks

Gardengrace · 21/03/2021 21:21

I'm a bit confused she hasn't lied she's just not mentioned it is that right? If so you need to back track rather quickly if you want her to be honest with you going forward.
You didn't just use the location feature for innocent reasons you were checking out where she was for a while, and then went to 'surprise' her why couldn't you just ask her where she'd walked? Did she see anyone she knew etc? This is MUCH worse behaviour than her not telling you about something that's still quite new to her, you likely embarrassed her as well as abusing her trust in you.
I totally understand that it must be a big change as parents that you no longer have a little girl and that teenagers can cause you no end of grief but the more you fight against her growing into a young woman the more she will push you away and keep secrets from you.
Show her your sorry for your actions and maybe talk about some new rules together including honesty and freedom and respecting each others privacy unless it's actually unsafe you could suggest a code word, if she needs you she can ring or text and ask for steak for tea or something, at that point you can use the location and go get her if she wants or needs you to.

RootyT00t · 21/03/2021 21:21

[quote TZelix]@Girliefriendlikespuppies I am in awe of your self control and calmness.
I’d like to think that I would have done the same if she came and asked me. Honesty is valued highly in our house and the fact that she lied on this occasion completely threw me and I my reaction was far from optimum....[/quote]
Honesty.

Honesty like stalking her phone and turning up where she is?

RootyT00t · 21/03/2021 21:23

@TZelix

Ladies, I really appreciate your views - it gives me an obviously much needed sense of balance, but calm down please! The location sharing app is what we all use in our family, it is no secret and is available to all. DD commutes to school a long distance away (train and a bus) and it is a safety feature we agreed on. The phone has been returned in the morning I do realise I overreacted and clearly the grounding for life bit is a moot and empty threat as no one is going anywhere at the moment anyway, right? In our conversation I also said that we would like to meet this boy when pandemic is over. My dilemma is in whether breaking safety rules and lying about it is a behaviour that I should be addressing/correcting/punishing at this point, she is actually not 15 until April. But sounds like I am over reacting in the front too?
Did DD agree to this family location sharing or was it put on her?

You misused the location sharing. You owe her an apology, and the choice to take the location sharing off

Crimeismymiddlename · 21/03/2021 21:23

She is right not to trust you. You track her like an Amazon parcel, and you did not want to surprise her. It was obvious what she was doing from her location. She is doing normal 15 yo things, it’s totally cute he cycles to see her and they had little secret meetings. But now when she looks back all she will remember is the shame and humiliation of being tracked and stalked by her parents. This is like that ‘sun, sea and suspicious parents’ programme-its really weird that you felt unable to give her even an afternoon of privacy. Please just take the tracker off her phone, give the bloody phone back and apologies. Prepare for her to tell you nothing for a very long time.

Extremelyilluminated · 21/03/2021 21:24

Wow well. I’m obviously in the minority and haven’t read the full thread but I am a parent of a few teenagers and this would really concern me op, just like you.
It’s good to know where teenagers are, particularly if they’re potentially heading off to secluded places alone , and that 15year old boy could just as easily be a much older man with dubious intentions. It’s a weird time lately and lots of teens have fallen out of friendship groups through lockdown. It wouldn’t be unheard of for unhealthy or intense relationships to develop, when teens are in their rooms on screens for most of the day. Who knows what kind of predatory individuals are looking to stroke the egos of lonely teens?!
But then I read the au pair thread the other day and was stunned at the comments on there so perhaps I’m unusually strict.

Wondermule · 21/03/2021 21:26

that 15year old boy could just as easily be a much older man with dubious intentions

But he wasn’t was he? He was a boy her own age she met through friends. She met him in broad daylight and clearly arrived home at a reasonable hour. This is getting silly now.

RootyT00t · 21/03/2021 21:27

@Extremelyilluminated

Wow well. I’m obviously in the minority and haven’t read the full thread but I am a parent of a few teenagers and this would really concern me op, just like you. It’s good to know where teenagers are, particularly if they’re potentially heading off to secluded places alone , and that 15year old boy could just as easily be a much older man with dubious intentions. It’s a weird time lately and lots of teens have fallen out of friendship groups through lockdown. It wouldn’t be unheard of for unhealthy or intense relationships to develop, when teens are in their rooms on screens for most of the day. Who knows what kind of predatory individuals are looking to stroke the egos of lonely teens?! But then I read the au pair thread the other day and was stunned at the comments on there so perhaps I’m unusually strict.
He could have been

But given the way OP handled it, she has blown any chance of DD telling her things , and having the knowledge.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 21/03/2021 21:28

You are out of order treating your poor daughter like this.

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 21/03/2021 21:29

Please give her the phone back and tell her you overreacted and you’re sorry.

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 21/03/2021 21:30

And take that tracker off now

Extremelyilluminated · 21/03/2021 21:31

I think it’s acceptable to expect teens not to lie about where they are, especially if they’re going out alone.

Hangingover · 21/03/2021 21:33

Noooo you "surprised" her? Cringing.

user1487194234 · 21/03/2021 21:39

Oh dear,I think you were totally wrong and should focus on modifying your behaviour as otherwise you are risking your relationship

PigletJohn · 21/03/2021 21:43

if the whole family use tracking, she probably ought to have tracked you, to see what you were up to.

Christmasfairy2020 · 21/03/2021 21:46

Isit more you are angry you have paid to send her to an all girls school and she has met a boy? Pregnancy?

My friend at 15 had a one night stand on some old train tracks. Another left a note in an arcade saying ring me I'm Horny and did the deed with them. She isn't doing nothing wrong. She didn't trust your reaction so did not tell you .... hence the lying.

Get her on the pill and talk about safe sex.

NewMum2021x · 21/03/2021 21:52

Honestly I was up to worse at that age so if I were you I'd leave her alone before she starts resenting you for it, she's a kid, I'm sure she knows to be safe

Extremelyilluminated · 21/03/2021 22:07

Is it perhaps that a lot of people posting on threads about teens are not yet parents to teens?

OppsUpsSide · 21/03/2021 22:10

Oh so she knows you are tracking her movements?

RootyT00t · 21/03/2021 22:12

@PigletJohn

if the whole family use tracking, she probably ought to have tracked you, to see what you were up to.
Ooh there's an idea. She could surprise them.
minniemoocher · 21/03/2021 22:14

Pandemic aside this is normal behaviour, my dd was sneaking to boys houses by that age! Give her space to grow up. The fact you tracked her was a huge invasion of privacy