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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenager phone trauma

75 replies

BurningBright · 02/03/2021 10:33

I have always had a 'no devices in the bedroom overnight' policy for DD (14).

About a week ago I discovered that she has started sneaking the phone into her bedroom at night. This hasn't been happening for very long as I am accustomed to checking that the phone is where I expect it to be a couple of times a week. However, since the discovery DD has openly refused to leave the phone to charge outside her room overnight.

I had hoped to be able to reason with her and find a compromise, but every time I bring the subject up the conversation does not go well and I get torrents of verbal abuse. I have now advised DD that I will simply stop paying for the phone if she refuses to accept my wishes about its overnight location. Her response was to threaten self-harm and that she would run away.

DD is suffering from some mental health issues at the moment and I'm feeling quite emotionally fragile myself so I'm very conscious that I have some anxiety about the possible fallout if I remove access to the phone from her. I don't believe that she really would self-harm or run away, but there definitely will be an almighty row.

Can anyone suggest alternative strategies that I could try before going down the route of cancelling the phone contract?

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 02/03/2021 10:34

What's she doing on the phone at night?

Seeline · 02/03/2021 10:34

Why does she want it with her at night?

Rollergirl11 · 02/03/2021 11:41

Have you been able to look at her phone and her various social media accounts since you discovered her having it at night? I wouldn’t go so far as cancelling the contract as I think that’s quite extreme and hassle for you to sort out when you inevitably have to reconnect it. But I would insist that she hands the phone over to you until you can have a sensible discussion about what’s going on.

Outbutnotoutout · 02/03/2021 11:48

You are the parent

Phone stays outside the bedroom or no phone

If she causes a fuss then the contract is cancelled

It's as simple as that really

SmileyClare · 02/03/2021 11:52

Does she have a strict bedtime? I could understand if you were making her switch off the phone at say half nine every night and she's missing out on messaging her friends in the evening.

Could you compromise with her agreeing to have the phone off by 11.30pm for example?

What do you think will happen if the phone is in her room at night? Do you think she'll be up too late on it? I think there has to be a level of trust at 14yrs. She's of legal age to have social media accounts, although have the conversation with her about bullying, inappropriate content, grooming and not speaking to strangers.

I have teens and allow phones in their rooms.

JesusAteMyHamster · 02/03/2021 11:55

The phone is probably a large contributor to her mental health problems tbh........my niece isn't allowed a phone at all. Her mum rode out the storm and believe me, it was worth it. I think sometimes we have to ask ourselves why we as parents keep giving our DC something which causes so many problems tbh.

YesItsMeIDontCare · 02/03/2021 11:57

Can you reduce her monthly data allowance and turn off the wifi? Not brilliant, but less of a "I fucking hate you Mum!!!" option?

SmileyClare · 02/03/2021 12:02

I don't agree with not allowing a phone at all. Technology is a huge part of teenager's lives, like it or not. It's how they communicate, how they keep in touch and stay in the loop of their friendship groups. Certainly during the lockdowns, social media has been a life line, enabling interaction with friends and family.

I think any teen banned from having a phone would use another device to access those platforms- a tablet or laptop.

Seeline · 02/03/2021 12:02

In normal times this maybe so, but in current circumstances phones tend to be the only way that teens are getting any socialising at all. They can't chat to friends at school, or on the bus home,. They can't meet up in houses, or cafes or go to the cinema. I think a lot of phone chat is going on in the evenings, either helping each other with homework or after homework is done. If the OPs DD is having to give her phone up early in the evening she could be missing out a lot.

A chat when tempers have cooled would be beneficial.

WouldstrokeTomHardy · 02/03/2021 12:19

I'd let her have the phone to be honest. I allow my ds14 to keep his in his room. Once he's ready to sleep he pops it in his drawer. They need to be able to communicate. They are lockdown and lonely. So glad I'm not a teen at this point in time.

Sorry OP yabu

Original poster
BurningBright · 02/03/2021 13:02

Thank you all for your replies. I had just written a response to some of the queries and points raised but clicked the wrong thing when I went to post it and it disappeared. Sad I need to go back to work now, but will rewrite my reply later.

OP posts:
minniemoocher · 02/03/2021 13:52

We allowed phones in the bedroom on condition that (a) I had the password and could check them and (b) they weren't used after lights out time. They had tiny data allowances and the WiFi was turned off if the rules were broken, only happened a couple of times. Trust is important especially at the moment

harknesswitch · 02/03/2021 13:54

Who pays for the phone? Her phone stays downstairs or you remove the contract and change the password in the WiFi.

Having a phone in her bedrooms will do her mental health no good whatsoever.

I use qustodia on my dds phone and her phone now becomes in useable after 9pm, so it ends up downstairs on charge now anyway

Branleuse · 02/03/2021 14:13

could you compromise and let her keep it in her room at weekends

Original poster
BurningBright · 02/03/2021 16:34

@TokyoSushi

What's she doing on the phone at night?
She maintains that she only wants the phone in her room to use as an alarm, but it was the stifled giggles that I could hear when I popped to the loo at about 01.30 that gave the game away. Also, when I suggested buying her a decent alarm clock I got an eyeroll and a flounce.
OP posts:
Liquorishtoffee · 02/03/2021 16:37

DS is 16 and I still get his phone when he goes to bed and I charge it. Possibly because he knows that he wouldn’t bother his lazy backside to charge it of left up to him.

Buy her an alarm clock. Phones shouldn’t really be used in the period running up to bed time anyway. Give the brain a chance to unwind.

thesugarbumfairy · 02/03/2021 16:50

My son is allowed an iphone but I have parental control via the screen time settings (it has a pin that only I know and I set it up before I gave it to him - he is 14 today)
He's not happy about it but it means I don't have to worry when I forget he has his phone in his room. It cuts off at 10.30pm as there is literally no need for him to be on it after that time. It will function again at 7am and the alarm would still work even with the screen time removed. I don't know if you're able to do that on her phone but they can't self regulate so it makes life easier for you as the parent. If she doesn't like it, tough.

Original poster
BurningBright · 02/03/2021 16:50

@Rollergirl11

Have you been able to look at her phone and her various social media accounts since you discovered her having it at night? I wouldn’t go so far as cancelling the contract as I think that’s quite extreme and hassle for you to sort out when you inevitably have to reconnect it. But I would insist that she hands the phone over to you until you can have a sensible discussion about what’s going on.
I don't have access to her phone, unfortunately. She changed the passcode. I can see what apps she is using and for how long, but I can't read the content.

I have tried insisting that she give me the phone, but she simply refuses. Short of physically grappling with her to take it from her, I'm not sure how to handle that. If an opportunity arises to scoop it up by stealth I'll take it, but she's not letting it out of her sight at the moment.

OP posts:
JoyOrbison · 02/03/2021 16:52

No lapdops on the room either might be worth considering, op. My dc were using study laptops for discord at silly o'clock.

Original poster
BurningBright · 02/03/2021 17:03

@SmileyClare

Does she have a strict bedtime? I could understand if you were making her switch off the phone at say half nine every night and she's missing out on messaging her friends in the evening.

Could you compromise with her agreeing to have the phone off by 11.30pm for example?

What do you think will happen if the phone is in her room at night? Do you think she'll be up too late on it? I think there has to be a level of trust at 14yrs. She's of legal age to have social media accounts, although have the conversation with her about bullying, inappropriate content, grooming and not speaking to strangers.

I have teens and allow phones in their rooms.

Bedtime is 10.00/10.30 on school nights and a bit later at weekends or in the holidays.

I don't expect her to give up her phone before 'lights out' so she doesn't miss out chatting to her friends in the evening. I wouldn't want to stop her being able to communicate with her friends, but I just don't want her doing it in the wee small hours.

She is suffering from severe fatigue at present (partly related to the mental health issues) and this is affecting her school work. Supporting her in maintaining a sensible sleep pattern is therefore really important to me. The phone in her bedroom completely undermines this. Sad

OP posts:
NovemberR · 02/03/2021 17:06

I'd simply repeat that the phone is to be on charge downstairs at whatever time you have previously agreed is acceptable. Any refusal means you will cancel the contract.

Threats of self harm need to be met with An immature response like that demonstrates that you aren't grown up enough to make sensible choices over the phone. It is not acceptable to think you can do anything you like by emotionally blackmailing other people.

They are back at school in a week - don't let her insist she keeps her phone constantly with her because of 'mental health'...

Original poster
BurningBright · 02/03/2021 17:08

@JesusAteMyHamster

The phone is probably a large contributor to her mental health problems tbh........my niece isn't allowed a phone at all. Her mum rode out the storm and believe me, it was worth it. I think sometimes we have to ask ourselves why we as parents keep giving our DC something which causes so many problems tbh.
I do worry that the phone is a contributing factor to her problems, but I don't want to remove it from her completely and permanently. Being able to chat with her friends is especially important to her at the moment, hence not having cancelled the phone contract yet and trying to find a compromise.
OP posts:
Original poster
BurningBright · 02/03/2021 17:10

Thanks for all the replies. Some really useful ideas and comments. I need to go and do feeding and homework support stuff now, but I'll be back later.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/03/2021 17:16

I've never understood why people say that phones should be left downstairs - surely any teenager would just wait until their parents were in bed and go back and get it?

PotteringAlong · 02/03/2021 17:31

There are 2 things I get from this:

  1. you need access to her phone. No access, no phone. Especially at 14

  2. she doesn’t just get the threaten to self harm everytime she wants something and immediately get her own way. I would be very careful about setting this as a precedent.