Teenager phone trauma

[BurningBright]

I have always had a 'no devices in the bedroom overnight' policy for DD (14).

About a week ago I discovered that she has started sneaking the phone into her bedroom at night. This hasn't been happening for very long as I am accustomed to checking that the phone is where I expect it to be a couple of times a week. However, since the discovery DD has openly refused to leave the phone to charge outside her room overnight.

I had hoped to be able to reason with her and find a compromise, but every time I bring the subject up the conversation does not go well and I get torrents of verbal abuse. I have now advised DD that I will simply stop paying for the phone if she refuses to accept my wishes about its overnight location. Her response was to threaten self-harm and that she would run away.

DD is suffering from some mental health issues at the moment and I'm feeling quite emotionally fragile myself so I'm very conscious that I have some anxiety about the possible fallout if I remove access to the phone from her. I don't believe that she really would self-harm or run away, but there definitely will be an almighty row.

Can anyone suggest alternative strategies that I could try before going down the route of cancelling the phone contract?

I have 3 kids so different rules per age
12 yo bed at 10 no phone only at weekend.
16 yo off phone 10.30/11 but keeps in room until not able to get up for school work so she always up.
17 yo stays on facetime to bf to 11 on school nights and as long as she wants at weekend. She may be on longer kn facetime but as long as I don't hear her when I go to bed and it's not affecting school work I allow her to.
Does your dd have a boyfriend she could be talking to late I think alot off teenagers do this late at night.

I don't actually know of any teens who give their phones up at night tbh. I read about it here all the time but I have 2 later teens DC and none of their friends, both close and the wider circle did this. I think, particularly now, it's important not to wipe out their only line of communication. Obviously if any issues arise then yes, step in, but I'm not one for taking preventative action which may not be necessary. I am aware the majority won't agree, I read it every day on here, but for me and mine, it worked.

Not sure it is the best solution but I would hide the charger. Battery will die then she can get phone and charger back when she agrees to rules.

I came on to say take away all chargers in the house. If she wants battery she'll have to hand it over to be charged.

Tell her 'we need a chat to resolve this phone situation. I know you don't want to give it up overnight. You know I want you to get good sleep. How are we going to sort it out? I obviously don't want to take it off you, because I know it's important to you and your friends. What shall we do about it?'

Some teens do have the rules applied. DD who is fourteen not only has to leave her phone downstairs at night, she only has it in her bedroom when she has friends over. A lot of her friends have screen time apps on their phones too.

Not that this stops everything; she sneaked her old phone upstairs over the summer, and apparently you can post on Twitter from a Kindle. Sigh.

But we pay for it so our rules.

We have screen time cut off at 8pm and phones charging downstairs.

My reasoning is that during homeschooling they are on a screen from 8:30 to 3 for school and then will be on screens watching, playing and chatting from 3pm on wards.

Asking them to say enough and to stop at 8pm to give themselves some screen downtime isn't unreasonable.

There was a bit of kickback but ultimately they are okay with it.
Most of their mates have rules around phone use.

Your dd is not regulating herself if she is chatting to mates at 1:30!

So I have many years before mine are teenagers, so this may be nonsense but can you explain to her that you want to have a full and frank discussion about phone usage? So you bring to her the things you are worried about (her fatigue and not sleeping enough) and she tells you why she needs it (properly, in a way that makes sense). Then you can work out something that suits you both?
I remember as a teenager I probably communicated very badly but I never felt listened to. Sometimes that’s half the battle.

I see your point Op if your dd is struggling with fatigue and keeping on top of her school work. I wouldn't necessarily blame that solely on staying up until midnight on her phone. Teens have it tough with home schooling and feeling isolated and that has no doubt impacted her mood and well being.

A compromise might be to allow the phone overnight on weekends and holidays and perhaps extend the curfew to 11pm? Giggling with her mates on her phone sounds just what a lonely teen needs at the moment. My teens seem to come alive at night and I allow late online interaction with friends (unmonitored) at weekends.

She's at a difficult age and will push against your boundaries. Some flexibility and trust goes along way in your relationship. You are the parent and she will actually thrive with regulations in place, despite her protests and rather dramatic threats. Good luck

I’d be worried by this change op, especially if she refuses to give you access to the phone, id be worried theres something on there she does not want you too see. ( more than just teen privacy)
There needs to be no passlock, you can look anytime

14 is too young for 24 hr access to a phone.
You need to push for her to give it to you to put on charge over night, maybe in your bedroom if you can't trust her to not get it.
I would approach it as a non negotiable, don't threaten, ask for it, don't back down.
Also you can't give in to threats of running away and self harm, either would be her choice but putting her phone on charge outside her room is perfectly reasonable.

I don't agree with demanding access to her phone contents. At that age, it's an invasion of privacy, akin to reading her diary, and there has to be some level of trust and freedom for her.

I've raised three teens and always preferred to impress on them the dangers of grooming, the authenticity of strangers online, viewing inappropriate content and online bullying. I think that's enough and have never policed the content of their phones, or their conversations with friends.

I agree there needs to be parental restrictions on "lights out" at that age; whether they're on phones, watching tv, or reading a book. They do need their sleep!

Fatigue. Attitude. Swearing at you? Giggling at 1:30am?
Why are you assuming she's talking to friends instead of to some 58yo pervert who is asking her for nudes?

That's very strict!

If it’s an iPhone it easy - control the screen time from your settings.
From 11.00pm Sunday-Thursday term time my 14yo dd’s phone (and iPad/laptop - anything with her Apple ID) turns into a brick.
After the initial frustration it’s been accepted, she was too tired to argue and I was in bed!

So I set these screen time things and you just click ignore remind me in 15 minutes and they back in the app or am I missing something?

No phones in rooms at night here either

I think you should allow a little more freedom with her phone. If she wants to be trusted then she has to earn that trust- by switching it off at a reasonable time at night, by keeping on top of her school work, by being able to get up in the mornings for school.

That gives you some bargaining power and you can implement tighter restrictions if she cannot prove to you that she can be sensible and responsible. By finding a compromise, she will also feel she has a voice and is being listened to.

It is tough managing teens, I do sympathise and for all the intentions of having calm measured conversations over tricky issues, it doesn't always go to plan!

I'm a firm believer in picking your battles with teens but once you set a reasonable rule you need to stick to it and stay consistent.. Trying to implement boundaries requires some give and take and perseverance and ignoring teen tantrums and protests but is worth it in the long run.

I have a 13 yo. Bedtime is 9am on school nights and phone is away by 7.30pm on school nights.

Phones overnight in bedrooms will be terrible for her MH and sleep hygiene. You've got to step up and be the parent.

Dd1 is 14.5 and I have access to her phone and in my room charging at night - sometimes she manages to keep it if I've gone to sleep before her... . The other night she'd kept it and went to the loo and I heard her take her phone listening to a podcast at 1.30am.... so I have to be 'on it'

Dd2 is 12 and has no interest in her phone at night - it's just on her desk (or lost somewhere 😂) so I don't bother enforcing the rules too much

Different kids need different approaches IMO

I have tried insisting that she give me the phone, but she simply refuses. Short of physically grappling with her to take it from her, I'm not sure how to handle that. If an opportunity arises to scoop it up by stealth I'll take it, but she's not letting it out of her sight at the moment.

Sorry to be harsh but you need to step up here and parent your daughter. She is 14 and doesn’t get to decide how things will be. You do. She needs boundaries put in place that are upheld by you. Why have you given your daughter all the control? Don’t try to insist. Just INSIST! I can’t get my head around the fact that she is refusing to hand over her phone and you are allowing this.

I actually allow my own 14yo DD to have her phone in her bedroom overnight because I trust her to self-regulate and I know she goes to bed at a sensible time. But if there was ever an instance where I felt DD has lost the right to her phone then refusal would absolutely not be an option. Phones are a privilege, not a right. Your DD has you over a barrel and I simply would not stand for it.

There is a lot of great advice on apps, wi-fi controls, and discussions - I did a mix of those - different kids of mine have needed different things - and would definitely push on the threats made.

Not over his phone, but when around that age my DS1 said something to tune of "When you say that, it makes me want to [violent type of self harm]" I pulled him up on the fact that kind of remark was emotionally abusive and I would not have him trying to manipulate me into trying to be responsible for his emotions, that's not something I can do or care to try. I can help him process and regulate when he wants, but the manner he was attempting to handle his frustration in the disagreement was not acceptable.

While I'm all for being flexible with teenagers, that isn't an area I would bend on as I would not want him or any of my other children to think that type of arguing is acceptable with anyone else or from anyone else.

Teens, phones, mental health and lockdown are a combination that's far from ideal! We want them to maintain their friendships but whilst not at school/not able to socialise, online contact is the only way to do that. Meanwhile, the physical isolation, limited opportunities for fresh air/non-phone activities outside of the home and online school mean the majority of teens' waking hours are probably online right now.

I wonder if your DD would be up for the suggestion that you provide a written summary of your ideal phone/online rules (with explanation/research) for her to respond to with her own suggestions, supported by evidence and explanations? In the meantime, your rules stand. If both of you have time and space to process your own thoughts about your rules/her suggestions, it may be more productive than a shouting match and might result in each of you understanding the other's perspective. She may find research to support her desire to stay up all night chatting but may decide she can't be bothered to do the legwork and will charge her phone outside her room after all.

FWIW, my Y11 DD doesn't have her phone in her room overnight. At the moment, she switches it off at 10.15-10.30pm and leaves it outside her room. It's not because we don't trust her to have it in her room per se but because we want her to be able to go to sleep without being distracted by notifications flashing etc. and her fear of missing out driving her to respond. When her phone is off, friends can see messages aren't being opened/that she's not online so she doesn't worry she's letting them down by not replying immediately. Switching off her phone enables her to switch herself off because in a roundabout sort of a way, she's managing the expectations her friends have of her availability overnight. During weekends or holidays, we're less bothered about when she switches it off because the occasional virtual sleepover isn't going to do any harm and if it wasn't for lockdown, she'd be staying over at those friends' homes and chatting all night anyway.

Hey!

Please don't take this in the wrong way as that is not were I intend for this to come from. Maybe your daughter as she is 14, is just wanting to have her phone of a night in her room. She may think it is unfair and possibly feel like she is being treated as though she is younger. Maybe trust her to have her phone in her bedroom and if you notice any suspicious activity approach that situation. I know we all have our own parenting styles but this is the advice I would give you!

@Sally872

Not sure it is the best solution but I would hide the charger. Battery will die then she can get phone and charger back when she agrees to rules.

This is an option I have been considering. There will still be an almighty row though and that is what I am hoping to avoid.