Teenager phone trauma

[BurningBright]

I have always had a 'no devices in the bedroom overnight' policy for DD (14).

About a week ago I discovered that she has started sneaking the phone into her bedroom at night. This hasn't been happening for very long as I am accustomed to checking that the phone is where I expect it to be a couple of times a week. However, since the discovery DD has openly refused to leave the phone to charge outside her room overnight.

I had hoped to be able to reason with her and find a compromise, but every time I bring the subject up the conversation does not go well and I get torrents of verbal abuse. I have now advised DD that I will simply stop paying for the phone if she refuses to accept my wishes about its overnight location. Her response was to threaten self-harm and that she would run away.

DD is suffering from some mental health issues at the moment and I'm feeling quite emotionally fragile myself so I'm very conscious that I have some anxiety about the possible fallout if I remove access to the phone from her. I don't believe that she really would self-harm or run away, but there definitely will be an almighty row.

Can anyone suggest alternative strategies that I could try before going down the route of cancelling the phone contract?

@picklemewalnuts

Tell her 'we need a chat to resolve this phone situation. I know you don't want to give it up overnight. You know I want you to get good sleep. How are we going to sort it out? I obviously don't want to take it off you, because I know it's important to you and your friends. What shall we do about it?'

This is pretty much the approach I have tried, but it is met with absolute refusal to seek a compromise.

If it's an android phone, you can install google family link on yours and her phone. You can set screen lock times, control when the phone is available, see how long she has spent on each app per day, and it also has location services. My almost 13 year old knows this is a non negotiable part of being allowed a phone.

@FudgeSundae

So I have many years before mine are teenagers, so this may be nonsense but can you explain to her that you want to have a full and frank discussion about phone usage? So you bring to her the things you are worried about (her fatigue and not sleeping enough) and she tells you why she needs it (properly, in a way that makes sense). Then you can work out something that suits you both? I remember as a teenager I probably communicated very badly but I never felt listened to. Sometimes that’s half the battle.

What you say about not feeling listened to strikes a chord. That is one of DD's complaints, but I think that when she says 'you don't listen to me' what she means is, 'I tell you what I want but you don't let me have it/do it'.

She says the same things over and over again. And I tell her that I understand, I hear what she is saying but that this is the rule and I expect her to adhere to it.

I am willing to compromise, but every suggestion I make is met with refusal and she won't suggest any options herself.

We have an app that switches off the wifi at different times for each child.

My 14yo switches off at 10.30 and laptop and phone is brought into our bedroom

My 16 yo switches off at 11 (1am) at weekends and devices are allowed overnight.

My 18yo obviously no restrictions

We have a data cap on their phones too.

Allowed ph9ne at night, fridays saturdays. Not in week. Non negotiable. She is juat playing at being more pigheaded than you.

Wifi off and charger off till agreed.

She is blackmailing you and you are her parent.

The second she changed the passcode on the phone I would have cut the contract. The agreement I had when my sons were given phone was we can check it at any time and it is not in your room at night.

The refusal to hand over the phone breaks the deal we had so they don't get the phone. If they won't physically hand it over you cut wifi to their individual device (google how to do this on your router, this also works for laptops, so you stay connected, they don't) and hide all the chargers. Yes there will be kick off to which you say you clearly aren't mature enough to handle having a phone.

You need to couch this from a point of view that you love her so much you are willing to piss her off in order to protect her. 14 year olds do not have developed brains, are sometimes easily groomed and make stupid decisions.

Sleep is incredibly important and she needs it. The phone is just a distraction and she will have FOMO. Definitely set parental controls as to when the phone is usable.

As for a teen will just go and retrieve it from downstairs we have the alarm set at night and the beeping of the trigger and the alarm being punched in would definitely wake me as I am a very light sleeper. As I have always said to my tech savvy teens, you may be able to outsmart me but never your Dad (in IT and incredibly knowledgeable).

We had Ds1's phone through a night once for all the snapchat, no actual communication just everyone joining in the "streak" threads. So fucking boring it sent us to sleep but was still happening at 3am. They were 14 and in school the next day.

If you have Netflix watch The Social Dilemma about social media.

I think you've had loads of good advice here BurningBright that I wish I had listened to. We were in very similar situation with DD although we always had a no phone in bedroom policy but she just sneaked it in. We had the threats, the screaming, the accusations of control and it's really hard to be firm.

What you are saying about her not letting you look at it at all is ringing alarm bells. You need to take back control here as she is only 14 and could be making really bad decisions.

As I say we didn't and DD (at the same age) sent images from her bed in the middle of the night to a boy who then shared them with half the school. The consequences have been devastating for her. I'd weather the threats over that any day if i could have my time again. If you want the details to tell DD I'd be happy to share by PM.

Echoing the above post, I'd be very worried that she's changed the passcode and is clinging on to the phone. NOT a good sign.

And phones are much more dangerous than diaries as a poster above compared them to. You can't be groomed via a diary, or be bullied/be bullying. You can't send/be sent inappropriate images.

You need to have access to her phone to check up on her.

I am in a similar position OP. We always had a no phones overnight policy which has slipped a bit over lockdown. I am trying to reinforce it before the return to school because like your DD I can hear chatting late into the night and she is tired and grumpy in the day. When I first took her phone she went nuts and got an old phone which she hid in her room so I've also had to hide all old devices The fact that she is so willing to be so sneaky suggests that she has no self control or no intention to regulate her usage as others have suggested. I get lots of abuse and 'I am the only person I know who cannot have their phone at night' but I am holding firm for the sake of her physical and mental health. Hang in there OP

That fact that she goes wild about this suggests addiction. If they can’t self regulate then they have a problem.

Sit down and watch The Social Dilemma with her on. Reflux and have a conversation about what she’s seen. It’s not that you don’t trust her it’s that billions of pounds are spent on the algorithms to make them as addictive as possible. Even the strongest of people can end up being social media and phone addicted.

Maybe ask her to try an experiment- go a week without her phone. Totally cold turkey. If she can do it then she’s not addicted.

And I tell her that I understand, I hear what she is saying but that this is the rule and I expect her to adhere to it.

Maybe this is the bit that isn’t working? Can you say “here are my worries (fatigue etc.). If you think of a solution that suits us both, we can can consider amending the rule.”

It might not get through but if you can show her you’re willing to compromise and ask her what rule she thinks is fair, you might be surprised?

Good luck, as I say I have no experience of parenting teenagers so this is just based on my own experiences of what I remember from being one!

I've always taken my now 14 year old DS's devices away at night so he's used to it and doesn't grumble. I'm not having him roaming about the internet all night - and he wouldn't self regulate. He's very tired by 11pm and ready to sleep. Add that to the fact I've not been very happy about a few messages he's received (I have access to his phone but I do not check it often as I ideally want to be able to trust him but I feel it's a parental obligation to ensure your young teens aren't in any bother online)

He willingly goes and pops it, along with his iPad, in his study and he doesn't fetch it again until the morning. I'd know if he was as his bedroom door is heavy and I hear everything!

I'd hold firm on this. It's important she has a good sleep routine right now and providing you're not whipping it away at 7.30pm, you're just being a decent parent

I can't believe that you've asked for it and she just won't give it to you and you haven't given her a consequence for this total and open disobedience. 14 is still quite young in lots of ways. I would have put in an immediate consequence tbh. Also, although phones are brilliant for helping teens keep in touch with friends they also have very real and severe mental and physical health consequences. At 14 you have little self control and little ability to determine consequences for actions - any brain book on teens will tell you that. She isn't able to make good decisions on her phone use, so you have to. Even much older teens and young adults are unable to control their own phone use and are becoming affected, this was in the news today- Almost four in 10 university students are addicted to their smartphones, and the habit is playing havoc with their sleep, according to new research.
Research from King’s College London found that 39 per cent of people aged between 18 and 30 reported symptoms of addiction using a validated tool known as the smartphone addiction scale.
www.shinyshiny.tv/2021/03/4-in-10-students-addicted-to-phone-causing-sleep-problems.htm
Take the phone every evening an hour before you think she should be asleep. Ride out the storm, punish definace on this one because she'll be harmed if allowed unrestricted phone use at night. Maybe she'll be less grumpy when she actually gets some sleep. Try and facilitate lots of other times and ways that she can engage with friends.

Noooooooooo. You are putting your child into a whole world of internet danger. You don't know what she's doing, what she's watching, what she is saying, photographing, who she is talking too! This is far far far to much responsibility to place in a child.

Your rules are there for a reason- to keep her safe and they are non negotiable.

Passcode needs to change so you can access. Phone stays in your room at night, you can switch parental controls on so you can monitor from your phone hours she on it, what she is doing.

If she doesn't agree the phone goes. A phone is a responsibility not a right!

As for all the threats of self harm that's exactly what they are- she is power tripping you!

Stop this immediately, tonight before it escalates into a very unsafe situation.

Also you let her call the shots on this and she will try it over and over with other life issues.

You have standards for a reason maintain them!

I am willing to compromise, but every suggestion I make is met with refusal
Because she knows she doesn’t have to compromise. She knows if she has a tantrum mummy will cave for an easy life. I’m not being funny but you need to get a backbone and stand up to her, you’re the parent and she is walking all over you! She needs real consequences for her actions.

An open dialogue as a PP suggested is obviously the best way to go but I doubt at this point she will even engage. If she doesn’t give you access to the phone then she doesn’t to have it. That is non negotiable at her age and I’m horrified you’re allowing her unfettered access to all sorts.

I do not allow phones in the bedroom overnight. They had to put down on the living room at 9pm the latest. If they had it all day why do they need it all night? Nights for sleeping.

Word of warning before you go about cutting the wifi to their device. Check the terms of the contract because she might end up going over her mobile data allowance and cost you a fortune.

Pay the bill on my dds phone I know the password and she's 17. I don't look anymore as she's much older but you really need to take back control of the phone. I'd start by taking the charger. Once it's got charge then you can sit down calmly and tell her the rules

Phones are like any tool...they can be used for good and bad. Dd has kept in touch with her friends via her phone throughout thed pandemic. They have conference calls, gamong competitions etc.
Obviously its not all good and she gets addicted but imo it has helped my dds mh. Unfortunately this is the digital generation and us adults cant relate as we never had phones growing up. It's very tough.

Why would anyone allow phones in kids' bedrooms. We don't even have them in ours. My DS's phone is charged downstairs and I've been shocked, sometimes, about the ping-ping-ping of ever escalating messages, some not so nice/banter, and I'm sure it's because it's late at night. They don't need phones in their bedrooms.

@Thoughtcontagion I was going to say exactly the same thing about the app screen time controls, I thought I was so clever until DS1 informed me it made no difference!

At @Iyiyi haha we need a smartphone course. Nothing like your child making your feel silly, I thought I had the upper hand plays snake quietly

I would let her have the phone but on the condition that she self regulates and doesn't stay up too late chatting with friends. Also, she needs to be keeping up with school work.
Teens often do lots of their chatting late at night and it's awful for them when they miss out on that.
In a few years she will have complete control so I think it's good to keep a 14 yr old start to have more freedom with it and learn to use phones responsibly. She needs to learn to come off it of her own accord, not because you've told her to.

I've been in this exact battlefield with a daughter who had MH issues and who was engaging in SH. It's an unhappy place to b

Here's what I wd NOT do:

• I wd not just 'lay down the law' as some people r suggesting. This is the age where u need to find a bit of 'give'.
• I would not do sneaky stuff like hiding chargers - u r then modelling this behaviour and u can expect it back in spades.

However, teenagers still need boundaries even if they think they don't and they r especially important when there are MH / SH issues. These can provide an extra layer to discussions as teens can be in distress but they can also use this to manipulate.

I would probably start by saying to your daughter that you need to have a general conversation which includes the matter of the mobile phone. Start from a position of concern-describe things that you are worried about. Acknowledge that you have heard her strong wish to have her mobile phone overnight but explain very clearly that this is not an option that you want. There may be a compromise that you could find-for example, she could be allowed to have her mobile phone on Friday and Saturday nights. Make it clear that you are treating her in a more grown-up way by having this discussion and explain that compromises going to be very important over the months and years ahead..

I would tell her that you r taking her mental health and threats of self harm really seriously. Explain that something has to happen to move things forward-for example, self care, visit to the GP, talking to a close relative etc. Self harm is obv a sign of distress / unhealthy way of coping but it can also b a way of getting leverage for something you want (being able to cause distress to a parent is a powerful thing).

If she refuses to have the discussion you cd find out from your mobile phone provider what measures can b put in place to restrict use. We ended up cancelling the data on my daughter's phone so she cd only use it with WiFi. We then switched the router off at night (needless to say she wd try and tiptoe down and put it on).

A helpful way to start things off is to write her a letter expressing ur concerns for how she's doing and saying it is ur job to support her through these difficult years and that even if she hates you for this you r doing it from a position of love and care. Explain sitting down with u will gain some additional mobile phone freedoms but a refusal to do this coupled with a refusal to handover the phone will lead to a change in the contract.

Mobile phone providers r missing a trick here - we wd all flock to the provider that gave us more control over teen phone contracts!

Good luck

Do you know if she has a bf
Mine only wanted phone late at night when she started seeing boys. Apparently al bf/gf like to talk to each other to they fall asleep but my dd is 17