Got a teen boy, come talk to me about your dh and male egos.. Need help.

[rantinghousewife]

After another of morning of (pointless) rows about nothing, my dh and ds nearly got into a fisticuffs situation. They're not getting on well lately and this is just the last straw for me.
Do father figures go through a period of resentment, (he's not ds's biological dad) or is this just a step parent issue and is there a reason? I'm just so p**ed off with it all, I need someone to tell me this is normal or give me advice about how to deal with it.

We have the same in our house and we are all one family.

DS lashed out at his sister (provoked), and when called on it, threw his laptop, and kicked the dog. He loves his laptop and the dog, but is struggling to control his anger at times.

It is normal. How old is ds?

It is the dominant male thing. Everybody needs to take a deep breath and a step back. Decide what is worth a battle and what isn't. It is a very rocky road between the ages of about 14 and 18, then it starts to get better. I have 2 teenage dss and I have been there.

It sounds like your ds is experiencing both the dominant male thing and the step-parent thing, so unfortunately you have a double whammy.

The time to discuss it is when everyone is calm, not in the heat of the moment. If your situation is anything like mine you will be in the middle, pouring oil on troubled waters and keeping everything together.

You and dh have to sit down and agree your (and his) expectations and house rules. Then you will have to have the conversation with ds. BUT - above all else ds needs to be told constantly that you love him, you care about him and you want the best for him. Despite all the bravado teenage boys feel terribly insecure and they need your love, support and guidance just as much now as they did when they were tiny. The trick is to provide all that in a way that does not make them feel belittled or patronised.

It is like walking a tightrope, but hang in there - it is a phase and it will pass.

what was the row about?

Sorry - just reread your post and realised this may be more to do with your dh feeling threatened - he may need some help to examine his feelings - he doesn't have the safety net of the biological tie. Have there been any issues previously with the relationship between ds and dh?

Thank you, yes ds is 14. This is going to sound terribly over protective but the row was about ds leaving something on the stairs, Yes he's been told before, yadda yadda. But dh went off the deep end, it ended up with ds giving him a bit of verbal (not a good idea) and them both having a tussle on the stairs when ds refused to go to his room. All this in front of dd who's 5.
I made my feelings on the subject known to dh who's only response was that ds shouldn't have cheeked him back!
In the end they both apologised (sheepishly) to each other but, I'm really keen to avoid a repeat and they've been rubbing each other up the wrong way for a good few weeks now. And of course, I'm probably being over analytical but, it's coincided with ds overtaking dh, heightwise.

Sounds normal to me. Your dh needs to remember that he is the adult here, and therefore behave accordingly. Children learn by example. Does dh never leave anything on the stairs?? If not he is a very unusual man.

It has been said on here many times with regard to teenagers "pick your battles" - if you don't, your life will be one long battle for the next 4 years.

Have you considered encouring dh to read up about parenting teens? there are some very good sources of information around. It sounds as if he has the sort of ego that doesn't appreciate being given advice, but parenting teens is one area where we need all the help we can get.

Am somewhat relieved to hear it's a normal thing tbh.
I don't find ds to be difficult, yes he gets lippy sometimes (don't all teens, I know I was) but I find telling him I won't be spoken to like that works, he'll apologise, things are back to normal.
And in a lot of ways dh treats him just like his own, he gets emotional because he's doing well at school and seems proud of him and we've been together since ds was 5. sooo
But just lately every little thing ds does dh jumps on, I might have a look at the book 3lS. Thank you.

If it's of any help, my dh had a really tough time gettting on with his biological father when he was a teenager. Dh still talks about it - the resentment and family struggles (dh's mother has bitter memories about being the onee in the middle). Dh says his relationship with his father was a main reason why he left home and join the navy at 16. Once he left home he built up a much better relationship with his father and as adults, they were true friends as well as father and son.

The things that caused resentment for dh were his father's strict and old fashioned views, especially on what he could wear. To dh, his father was just not on his wavelength and was too arrogant to listen to what mattered to him. dh got bullied by his school friends for wearing the wrong clothes (this was back in the 1970s) but his father was unsympathetic apparently. Also, his father would still hit out at him when he was 13/14 years old and this caused lasting resentment. Dh's father was a lot bigger than him.

Dh is now determined to be a different sort of father with our sons - ds1 is nearly 14 and we too have angry outbusts from him from time to time. Dh does shout at him (dh is not the most peaceful of people at the best of times) but is also is very responsive to clothes requests and spends lots of time with him - they share a strong interest in cricket.

I am not sure how things will develop in the next few years, but I know dh is aware of the problems at least.

I really like threelittlesparklers advice and hope you don't mind me repeating it:

"above all else ds needs to be told constantly that you love him, you care about him and you want the best for him. Despite all the bravado teenage boys feel terribly insecure and they need your love, support and guidance just as much now as they did when they were tiny. The trick is to provide all that in a way that does not make them feel belittled or patronised."

I will try to remember this - I can see you speak from experience.

Ahh the cricket TM, my two men share a love for cricket also, do you have to spend every weekend sat on a picnic blanket in the middle of nowhere, too?
Your dh and Fil sound like me and my mother and we're very close now.
I feel much much better for putting it all down on here, thank you everyone.

Yes that is very good advice, will try to remember that when he's terrorising the old folk!

I manage to side step the cricket as we also have an 8 year old ds who is not into this sport. The family unit is split in two for many summer days - dh and ds1 doing cricket things while ds2 and I do a lot of swimming in the nearby outdoor lido (which we both like) or going to playgrounds (I take a book).

Oh you have a Lido near you?
Much more fun than cricket!

totally agree! If I had my way, there'd be lidos all over the country.

We often have a similar situation. DH is not DS1's father either but I think this is fairly irrelevant in our case at least. DH has been around since DS was 2; he also has remained in constant and regular contact with his actual father. I knew one day he'd enjoy yelling "you're not my dad!" at DH and recently he did.. it took longer than to happen than I thought but DH and I were ready for it, and it clearly didn't have the impact DS was hoping for!

My take on the subject is that it is a clash of testosterone which comes as something of a shock to the system for the father/step fathers in question who were used to being the only man in the house.. and then suddenly there is another! To add to the problem, these testosterone surges are new to the DSs as well.. they don't know quite how to handle these suddenly rushes of rage about the smallest things (along with all the other complex stuff there are processing!) DS (15) has become a man before our very eyes in the last year and for the most part, I like what I see and am proud of him. DH, in reality thinks the same.

DS like to punch his wardrobe in moments of frustration! Both his knuckles and his hands bear the scars!

Last night I walked in to hear the aftermath of an issue that DH and DS had fallen over and were discussing alternately calmly and heatedly upstairs! When DH came down I said "Wow.. how unusual to hear 'you should shut your mouth right now!' and 'I love you as if you were my own son' in the same sentence!" DH looked sheepish. DS came downstairs shortly afterwards bearing no grudges. I have started to leave them to it.. they are getting used to each other and gradually learning to leave with each other all over again, testosterone and all, 13 years after first starting to live together in the same house, lol!

DS has a somewhat more straightforward relationship with his own father, on the surface of it, but then he gets the best of him and DS would never want to upset him. DH meanwhile gets DS, warts and all!

Live not leave!

And yes I agree with the wise words of 3LittleSparklers as well. Assuring your teenage boy how much you love him/are proud of him as often as possible may not seem to allicit much of an immediate response (they can't show they are pleased!) but it certainly makes them feel better and more at peace with themselves.

I still get almost as many cuddles from DS as I do unreasonable strops!

ranting - I agree with sparklers that it's completely normal, dominant male stuff.

Also the 'pick your battles' is a bit of a mantra of mine (I have 3 teens) - it's hard sometimes to bite your lip but IME teens feel easily 'got at' . Only this morning my comment that ds1 'needed a haircut' was greeted with a complete losing of the plot and him spouting that I was 'always having a go'. WTF that was all about I don't know - but he's 19 by now and you'd think he'd be back on planet human and not off in the teenage wilderness. Turns out it was all to do with an ex-girlfriend and my badly timed comment was the last straw

Anyway - I digress - see if dh can cut him a bit of slack over the small stuff and in return if ds can be less sharp with his tongue.

It's like stags at rutting time round here some days(Ds1 is almost 14)
Actually I think I would prefer they went and butted heads in the garden really. Some good advice on this thread.

ranting housewife you have my every sympathy my dh and teenage son are a complete pair of shits sometimes.
my dh is his stepdad and when they start I feel like throttling them both,they have calmed down over the last couple of weeks but sometimes the testosterone is so strong you can smell it a mile away.
the male domuinance thing is very peculiar I have had to point out to my son that d**khead as he calls him pays for his food,keep,internet,phone,bus pass and acts as local taxi service and all of this would be withdrawn if he didnt start acting a lot better.
so far 2 weeks and they have been civil to each other.
good luck honey thinking of you.....xxxxx

This is why I love mumsnet!
Feeling a lot, lot better, mood improved in house, they're gearing up to watch MOTD! Ah well and look how many of us have to put up with the testosterone mist (That's a good turn of phrase WOBA!)
Rutting stags, very apt.
Thank you, you've been very helpful.