How to persuade a teen to avoid using recreational drugs

[DCoutwittingMe]

DS is 17, soon to be 18.
Earlier in the week we discovered he had been using a recreational drug (weed). We were devastated of course and sat down with him to talk things through.

To my surprise he was well prepared for the ‘talk’ - he told us he started last summer, he had only used it on occasion, he wasn’t an addict, he was in control, he knew the amount he was taking wasn’t harmful, he wasn’t being pressured by friends - in fact, he had actually asked a friend to source it for him (pre-lockdown of course). He even produced reams of research papers and medical studies to back up claims that marijuana/cannabis is less harmful than alcohol & tobacco. It was almost as if he had intended to write an EPQ arguing for the legalisation of cannabis.

We had a long chat - which is not usual, admittedly we’re not a very communicative family (parents working long hours, kids are boarders and very independent). I didn’t get emotional and didn’t get angry - I was afraid that if I did, I would just push him away from us, and I’m not sure he would have anyone left to talk to if that happened, which would compound the problem. So I stayed calm throughout and listened as much as I could. We concluded by having him throw away all of his samples (it wasn’t much - probably less than half a teaspoon) and gear (glass pipes, lighters, papers, cigarettes).

What I’m struggling with at present, is how to convince him to stay away from such substances in the future. He was okay with getting rid of the materials but he refused to makes promises that he wouldn’t use it again in the future. In his mind, weed is a misunderstood substance and so long as he was in control, everything’s okay - in his words, “its no big deal”.

I’ve tried telling him about addiction, the harm it does, etc - but he has papers, studies, research to counter my every argument. Moreover, he’s strong academically, and his grades haven’t dropped, so I can’t evidence any physical/psychological/emotional harm he might have suffered as a result.

I told him that its illegal - he argued that he wouldn’t get caught; and even if he did, he wouldn’t ever be in possession of enough substance to be considered as a dealer, only a consumer (and something about having 3 chances before being caught out or something along those lines).

I asked him his reasons for doing it - he said he enjoyed the feeling, it felt good, it was an escape from monotony, and most importantly he didn’t experience any side-effects and there was no negative feelings after.

There’s probably something very obvious I’m missing here, something which I can try to appeal to him, about the insanity of the situation but I’m mentally drained, struggling to think straight and honestly at a complete loss on what to do next. If anyone has similar experience or know of anyone/anything that could help, please advise.

Nothing you say can will stop him im afraid. Its like a shit lottery whether your kids will do drugs, and if they go downhill. Your lad sounds fairly sensible.
If you sit and spark up a joint in front of him it might make it seem less cool

I used to tell my tutor groups that they wouldn't make it out of the airport in the USA for the rest of their lives if they had a caution/conviction for using banned substances.

I could have written an identical post about my also 17 yr old DS.
I'm hoping you get some good replies as I really don't know what to do either.
Only good thing at the moment as far as I'm concerned is that he has been at home every evening during lockdown so I know he's not been smoking it for the last few weeks at least.

Is there anything about the 'supply chain' and the criminality he is supporting that might persuade him to see otherwise. Disproportionally young black men- when the 'Black Lives Matter' protests started I argued one way to support this was to stop using illegal drugs.

I was also going to suggest making sure he knows that he is supporting county lines, cuckolding, knife crime and gangs. If he is happy with that, he is scum. I hope he isn't scum.

You need to keep things in perspective, OP. Marijuana is now completely legal in many jurisdictions, including plenty of US states. It’s just a bit of weed. Everybody does it. I certainly did, and far more besides. So did all my friends. Then I grew out of it, as did they, and we all grew up and got on with our lives as respectable members of society with careers, mortgages etc etc.

This will pass.

Thanks to everyone who has replied. Your thoughts are helpful.

Sourcing - we did discuss. I tried a two-pronged argument on this. Firstly, the association with crime and gangs, and then secondly, that illegal sourcing carries risk that the material may not be what it claims to be.

On the first, his counter-argument was that not all material was sourced through crime and county lines - there are ‘artisanal’ sources and as another poster mentioned, its legal is various jurisdictions - US, parts of Europe etc - for both medicinal and recreational purposes. Ergo, not all material is associated with crime (illegal in the UK yes, but not necessarily related to crime).

On the second, he came a bit unstuck. He didn’t really have a good argument against that. I explained that part of the reason why tobacco & alcohol were legal was because governments, pharma companies and various research entities had performed years of studies on the effects of such substances - the dose and their efficacy are well understood and today cigarettes & alcoholic beverages all carry warning labels about such risks. I went further to add that through selective breeding pot varietals available today are far more potent than those back in the 80’s/90’s - a casual joint today could contain a much as 6-7 times more THC than one 20 years ago. He sort of nodded in acknowledgement, but it was clear he wasn’t convinced. Moreover, it was clear that because he felt he was in control, this wasn’t an issue.

Indeed, the biggest issue for me is his attitude towards the use of cannabis. He seems to regard it as ‘just a bit of weed’ - I’m in control, it won’t hurt me, I won’t get caught, so no big deal. And if its not a big deal for me, why don’t you back off and let me handle it, I’m an adult (that last sentence was not what he said verbally, just my reading of it through his body language).

I get that he’s immature, his concept of risk is clearly skewed, but how do I get him to see that? How do you tell an otherwise capable and seemingly bright but immature teenager to act more mature without pointing fingers accusing them of immaturity?

Agree with the pp who spoke of travel abroad as a possible way of getting through to him. He may not see it as a big deal. Many countries around the world do - and their immigration controls reflect this.

There are many countries who will not let you in if you have a criminal conviction. Ever.

My DH was breathalysed at 18 - he'd had 4 pints, I think. He was over the limit and automatically lost his license for a year for drunk driving. That is a criminal conviction.

When he wanted to go to Canada for his 50th birthday he was unable to do so. USA are the same.

Under US Immigration law, if you have been arrested at any time, you are required to declare the arrest when applying for a visa. If the arrest resulted in a conviction, you may be permanently ineligible to receive a visa.

Does your DS want to travel in the future? Even to go on holiday? Is it worth risking a conviction for possession of drugs that will affect his entire future? Just cos he thinks it feels cool and he's in control?

As a person who has not, even with the best mutual motivation, slept with 2 older weedheads ... years into the future they really cannot get it up.

I would focus more on the supply chain and how any purchases of an illegal drug supports this chain and means direct responsibility for the actions of those sourcing drugs.

I’d also go down the very disappointed route and say he isn’t the person you thought he would become.

@Punching

The other point is that he is putting himself in a bubble of “druggie” people, with a druggie worldview. With that goes losing the friendship of non-druggie people, who have ambitions for themselves.

He feels on control now but he obviously get very defensive when asked to think about what are his boundaries. Can he describe now what the point is where he would take action/slow down, or does that thinking only come after he has gone too far?

One last point is obviously he has to forget about you paying for driving lessons or car insurance.

He will also be tarred as a druggie by others and looked down on because of it.

You haven’t mentioned girls!

Previous boyfriend often got high, tried to encourage me to try it, but he spent most of the weekend either high or asleep, my friends boyfriend was the same.

They got ditched eventually! Wasted should be renamed ‘Waster’

There is also the fact that weed is much higher in the psychoactive component THC these days, which is linked to increase risk of psychosis. You could show him this article by a professor of psychiatry www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2009/oct/29/cannabis-schizophrenia-classification

He's being very selective in his research papers. Does he know that some weed grown in UK is grown by illegal slaves locked up in total isolation? This article is worth reading.

Also, obviously, without access to legal, regulated supplies, when he moves to uni or starts work, he will need to find a new dealer and won't be able to guarantee their source is either safe (for him) or sourced ethically.

There is no way of knowing how strong it is, as it is unregulated. And there are numerous studies that show it can lead to demotivation, depression and in some cases to psychosis. It's far more pernicious than alcohol taken in moderation.

Weed stays in the system, you can’t get rid of it quickly. Is he driving or learning? This is the choice we gave our daughter with roadside drug tests the norm now it was a wake up call, have a smoke or drive, you can’t have both

Wow I’m in the ‘just a bit of weed’ camp too. Are those who are perturbed by it people who smoked weed in their youth as well? I know it can have negative effects of course but so can alcohol, would you have the same kind of concerns?

If he can really keep it as now and then I don't see the harm. Banning it from the house will help him keep control of it. I have friends who's sons smoke it in the garden all the time I wouldn't allow that. The trouble is it can lead on to much more of a habit that can be hard to break as he gets older it's almost a lifestyle. I have 2 friends who's husbands are daily smokers and they just can't give up. It does affect family life because they spend most of the time stoned and not wanting to do anything else. One is now divorced the other is going through a divorce now because of it He may think his in control now but if it carries on it can become part of him and that is bad

No advice re the weed but man he sounds like a smart kid!

@murbblurb

I was also going to suggest making sure he knows that he is supporting county lines, cuckolding, knife crime and gangs. If he is happy with that, he is scum. I hope he isn't scum.

Not to detail the thread or argue with your points, but I think you mean cuckooing @murbblurb - cuckolding is a very different thing 😂

Are those who are perturbed by it people who smoked weed in their youth as well? I know it can have negative effects of course but so can alcohol, would you have the same kind of concerns?

My parents smoking weed (one being violent when high and openly smoked in front of me from about the age 13) and drinking heavily made any possible interest I had in any of it non-existent and makes me heavily concern about my children using either. My family is living proof that not everyone grows out of it, even if they can handle a job too, and it still affects kids even if you can handle some parts of adulthood sometimes. It was really hard to be a rebellious teen with parents getting DUIs and into other shit they were meant to have grown past.

I focus more on harm reduction rather than elimination (kinda like sex ed) - google drug harm reduction and there are loads of resources out there now to help discuss this, there are youtube channels dedicated to the topic that cover a wide range of drugs. Maybe having people who've been there, done that, and do weird shit on the internet will be more convincing than a parent they already think they know more than.

With all his research, his arguments seem mostly the kind people do when they're just looking for things that make them right rather than for balance -- the whole 'it's less harmful than alcohol' makes no sense when there are different types of weed and different types of alcohol and that there a variety of risks. It's an overgeneralization that sounds smart, but really doesn't show a real grasp of potential risks and responsibilities vs potential benefits. I mean, obviously weed is more harmful to the lungs than alcohol and yeah I bet moonshine is riskier than most types of weed, but a weak flavoured cider, I'd bet most types of weed have more effects than that. Substance risks have to be broken down further than just what drugs are involved.

As for the no bad effects - yeah, that's true for some people for a time (though not as many as think they are), but I'd tug into what happens if they start. Different strain or just changes to him over time - much like with alcohol, people can react differently. What is his plan in place if things go wrong, how is he going to keep as safe as he can? At the very least, he needs someone who will be there, not taking the drugs, who can handle things if things get out of control - the fact his answers are all based on his ability to handle it rather than anything he's done to deal with if something goes wrong would worry me. To me, that shows not that pot is misunderstood (which it can be), but that he's misunderstood what risks are - things are great until they're not, what is the plan when it's not? If he actually understands the risks, he'll know he can't guarantee that that won't happen to him, as much as we like to see risks as things that happen to other people, and be willing to put all that effort into research that you're wrong to be worried into making a plan.

Calling any weed grown 'artisanal' made me laugh - I've seen people grow for "personal use" in their cupboards, I guess they could put some art of the door to make it artisanal.

Hi OP

I had a photographic memory until years of light use destroyed it. The things I could have done if I retained that. I was your son at one point and I wish someone had planted a seed of doubt of fear to stop me.

Yes he may be in control now as he is young and hasn't done it for that long. But years of light use does add up and if you mix with people who all smoke there can be moments when you are not always in control. And from my use, looking back I do think for some people it can be addictive.

Also from my experience at uni, pretty much everyone who smoked weed, including myself, we all dabbled and tried in more harder drugs. This was the case for us and friends in various other unis.

I think id just respect that he'd researched it and was making an informed choice.
Id tell him not to be a dick about it, never use it as an excuse for not getting up and going to work. Never use it during the day and keep his wits about him and if he has to, then keep it occasional and away from the house