How to persuade a teen to avoid using recreational drugs

[DCoutwittingMe]

DS is 17, soon to be 18.
Earlier in the week we discovered he had been using a recreational drug (weed). We were devastated of course and sat down with him to talk things through.

To my surprise he was well prepared for the ‘talk’ - he told us he started last summer, he had only used it on occasion, he wasn’t an addict, he was in control, he knew the amount he was taking wasn’t harmful, he wasn’t being pressured by friends - in fact, he had actually asked a friend to source it for him (pre-lockdown of course). He even produced reams of research papers and medical studies to back up claims that marijuana/cannabis is less harmful than alcohol & tobacco. It was almost as if he had intended to write an EPQ arguing for the legalisation of cannabis.

We had a long chat - which is not usual, admittedly we’re not a very communicative family (parents working long hours, kids are boarders and very independent). I didn’t get emotional and didn’t get angry - I was afraid that if I did, I would just push him away from us, and I’m not sure he would have anyone left to talk to if that happened, which would compound the problem. So I stayed calm throughout and listened as much as I could. We concluded by having him throw away all of his samples (it wasn’t much - probably less than half a teaspoon) and gear (glass pipes, lighters, papers, cigarettes).

What I’m struggling with at present, is how to convince him to stay away from such substances in the future. He was okay with getting rid of the materials but he refused to makes promises that he wouldn’t use it again in the future. In his mind, weed is a misunderstood substance and so long as he was in control, everything’s okay - in his words, “its no big deal”.

I’ve tried telling him about addiction, the harm it does, etc - but he has papers, studies, research to counter my every argument. Moreover, he’s strong academically, and his grades haven’t dropped, so I can’t evidence any physical/psychological/emotional harm he might have suffered as a result.

I told him that its illegal - he argued that he wouldn’t get caught; and even if he did, he wouldn’t ever be in possession of enough substance to be considered as a dealer, only a consumer (and something about having 3 chances before being caught out or something along those lines).

I asked him his reasons for doing it - he said he enjoyed the feeling, it felt good, it was an escape from monotony, and most importantly he didn’t experience any side-effects and there was no negative feelings after.

There’s probably something very obvious I’m missing here, something which I can try to appeal to him, about the insanity of the situation but I’m mentally drained, struggling to think straight and honestly at a complete loss on what to do next. If anyone has similar experience or know of anyone/anything that could help, please advise.

Although it does not lead to addiction in every case or to a graduation onto hard drugs, habitual cannabis use is demotivating. The fact that lots of people do it and the police do not care does not make it trivial and harmless. Also, quoting papers by professor Nutt, who is known to have quite strong and partisan views on the safety of cannabis vs alcohol, is maybe misleading.

@punching I drink in front of them, not unusual? No sign of total moral disintegration just yet.

@punching I happen to think you're right that part of being a parent is about teaching risk evaluation and the OP's son seemed to be evaluating the risk far more carefully than I do when I uncork a Chablis.

Nothing you can say will make him change his mind. At that age, they respect the views of their peers way more than the views of their parents. Both of mine smoke weed, not excessively, but they still do it. I don't like it and have made it clear how I feel about it, and that I won't have them smoking it in the garden. I've not made a big deal about it though as I don't want to drive a wedge between us.

DS2 (19) said this week that he plans to quit completely very soon as he can see how it makes him less motivated (he's very into fitness). I think the majority of people do just 'grow out of it'. Hopefully this will be the case with your DS.

I've NC'd for this as it's outing, but my son is in a very similar position to yours, but in a way we are of the reverse opinion.

My DH has been a cannabis smoker most of his adult life (we live in a big city). He's high functioning and is more successful now than he's ever been. He tends to prefer it to alcohol. FYI I haven't touched it since I was 21.

Our 17yo DS started getting into it with friends last year - they are all now doing well at a high performing sixth form college. My DH took the decision (after much thought) that instead of demonising it and forbidding DS from doing it, he started to let him do it with him at home on a small scale during weekend evenings, hoping this would take the mystique and thrill out of it and he'd see it for what it is. My DH is vehement about him not touching Class A drugs though.

This seems to be working a year down the line. DS is very disciplined (way more than DH!) and if anything it's made him smoke less, as he's got less of an urge to gather in groups and get wasted (although you can't do that anyway).

The friends that have got completely into it as a lifestyle are very obvious to spot - ie they look and act like stoners, so I think it will be very obvious to you if your DS is going down this route. At the moment though, from what you've said, I don't think you need to be too worried.

soontobe60 it is interesting that your experience of Vancouver was how we found California

People were not looking cool at all, sad and despondent and dependent- we saw people everywhere smoking weed at 9/10/11am. Not the way I think a 'healthy' population would act

I really wanted liberalisation of the rules- this three week journey changed my mind and opened my eyes! Fortunately my 15 and 13 yr olds were equally surprised and could not understand why people were smoking it

They, and we, smell it everywhere in the UK, it may be becoming socially acceptable but it does not, in my humble opinion, make it safe

My husband is a chemist and it does change your brain chemistry and not in a good way!

@SomePersoectiveHere

I've NC'd for this as it's outing, but my son is in a very similar position to yours, but in a way we are of the reverse opinion.

My DH has been a cannabis smoker most of his adult life (we live in a big city). He's high functioning and is more successful now than he's ever been. He tends to prefer it to alcohol. FYI I haven't touched it since I was 21.

Our 17yo DS started getting into it with friends last year - they are all now doing well at a high performing sixth form college. My DH took the decision (after much thought) that instead of demonising it and forbidding DS from doing it, he started to let him do it with him at home on a small scale during weekend evenings, hoping this would take the mystique and thrill out of it and he'd see it for what it is. My DH is vehement about him not touching Class A drugs though.

This seems to be working a year down the line. DS is very disciplined (way more than DH!) and if anything it's made him smoke less, as he's got less of an urge to gather in groups and get wasted (although you can't do that anyway).

The friends that have got completely into it as a lifestyle are very obvious to spot - ie they look and act like stoners, so I think it will be very obvious to you if your DS is going down this route. At the moment though, from what you've said, I don't think you need to be too worried.

Absolutely shitty parenting on your part I’m afraid to say. Not only is your son breaking the law, but so is his father.

Soontobe60 it's a bit more complicated than that.

My friend's DH is a successful entertainment lawyer - looks straight as a dye, and he's also been smoking cannabis exclusively for years.

@peak2021

Is there anything about the 'supply chain' and the criminality he is supporting that might persuade him to see otherwise. Disproportionally young black men- when the 'Black Lives Matter' protests started I argued one way to support this was to stop using illegal drugs.

@peak2021hiya, I don’t really understand the correlation please can you explain

Weed use can be harmful in excess, but as pp have pointed out it really isn't in moderation. Your kid seems to know and respect the difference. I don't get why some people don't understand it, when they find it a perfectly simple concept when applied to, say, alcohol.

He appears to know a lot more about the subject than you and to have studied it in greater detail. Why are you so resistent to learning, or accepting when you're wrong?

The problem with weed isn’t the drug it’s how much people smoke if people drunk alcohol how they smoke weed everyone would have a Fu* up liver

Should be legal and educated if you go to a pub and drink your a hypocrite for saying otherwise

Both my teens smoke weed, unfortunately.
DS started around 15 but I didn’t know for a while, then when I found out I tried to put him off, but he said he’d only done it a few times and tbh he’s not mega keen on it & will refrain on most occasions so I keep a watchful eye - he’s crap at lying. I asked him outright and he admitted it - as I suspected he had been on the MJ.
As for dd, she only started aged 18, and I have also told her that I’m not happy about it esp if she’s smoking regularly at uni etc.
However, I was a light user from 19-28 approx and I can’t say it made much difference to my life and I never tried anything else. DH was a heavy user as were all his schoolmates and they’re all successful people. Some did stronger drugs and lived to tell the tale.
I think it’s luck of the draw whether it affects you or not. Some say alcohol is worse for you too - as is anything in excess.
As long as they’re not archetypal lazy stoners all you can do is express your disappointment and not let them
Smoke in the house (I was v annoyed when dd came home from
Uni and smoked in her room).

It's great that you can debate the ethics of marijuana with your son. He's clearly intelligent and fairly sensible.

However, be the parent. He doesn't get to "win" a debate over his drug use. It's rather disrespectful to you as his parents that he has the audacity to lecture you ! The arrogance of youth eh?

He's still a child living at home (?) and you are paying for his private education. Unless he works, then he shouldn't have an endless source of money to buy drugs. They're bloody expensive. Stop his allowance or pocket money and warn him in no uncertain terms about the zero tolerance of drugs policy his school or college have. You'll have a zero tolerance in the house too.

That's all you can do. Smoking weed is a rite of passage for most teens, as is drinking and experimenting. Most young adults are far more clued up and drugs than we ever were. There are reams of information online on any recreational drug available.

Having a rational informed conversation about the ethics of drug taking will not change anything.

I'm the parent of two teens. It's tough to get it right, they're a worry at that age and I sympathise.

Most people I know have at least tried weed recreationally. I'd rather my daughter smoked weed than drank alcohol personally. I do believe it should be legal.

Not only is your son breaking the law, but so is his father.

If alcohol was criminalised, km sure plenty of MN's would break the law to get a wine or a gin. Making it a criminal offence doesn't work. Portugal have some of the best stats regarding drug abuse and deaths, they decrimed. Either way, I don't get how alcohol can be legal but not cannabis. The law is just fucking stupid.

Cannabis is legal in much of the US and many other countries. There’s talk of reconsidering the law here. It’s not particularly bad for you, he’s right. He’s also right on the warnings if you get caught with it, the Police don’t care. Why so worried? Would you be devastated if he enjoyed himself with a few cans of beer?

There are plenty of papers that you can cite that show long term mental health impacts of regular use in teenagers

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC135489/

www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/more-reasons-concern-about-adolescent-cannabis-use

@Susie477

You need to keep things in perspective, OP. Marijuana is now completely legal in many jurisdictions, including plenty of US states. It’s just a bit of weed. Everybody does it. I certainly did, and far more besides. So did all my friends. Then I grew out of it, as did they, and we all grew up and got on with our lives as respectable members of society with careers, mortgages etc etc.

This will pass.

Tend to agree with this. This might be an overreaction. If he’s done his research into the risks, and he has the data, and doesn’t find the risks meaningful, then... maybe he’s right?

I haven’t done the research, and I hate weed, but maybe read it and see if you are still as concerned as you are right now?

One of the biggest considerations for your son is the consequences of being caught with it at boarding school. The police might give him a slap on the wrist but the school will have zero tolerance.
It'll be an expulsion and his dreams of a career in medicine will be pretty impeded.

I can imagine that if he enjoys smoking weed recreationally at home then he'll want to do it in his down time at boarding school with his friends. In fact I would bet money that he's done this already.

Whatever your stance on weed smoking is, your son needs to respect that.

if your DS is thinking of going into medicine get him to get his research hat on and look into whether they will let him in with a caution, or if it’s on his medical records.
Get him to look into weed smoking when young and schizophrenia while he’s at it.
You can’t force him to agree with you. You don’t have to like it for whatever reason though, and if you don’t want to give him money that he spends on this I’d say that’s absolutely up to you.

Parent of a 17 year old here who’s friends all smoke weed, but he doesn’t.

He dabbled at 15 and I let him get on with it as knew otherwise he’d just hide it from me or it would drive a wedge. I produced plenty of papers of my own countering his arguments and educated him on the pitfalls. I gave info around the sheer strength of weed these days, the studies done on the impact these high THC strains have on developing teen neuroplastic brains and papers detailing how even one joint can cause lasting measurable damage whilst they’re brains are still going through changes up to age 25. In the end that made him reconsider and he’s the only one of his friends to not smoke it. Some of who are now in a serious mess, dropping out of college, zero motivation or money. Historically I was always pro-legalise and an ex light user which my son knows, but this crazy stuff around today is a whole different ball game entirely and I’ve changed my stance completely.

I hate to say this but could you ring the TALK TO FRANK helpline or failing that local drug services for advice?

I tried weed recreationally as a teen for around a year when I hung out with some undesirables. I smoked away the best part of £1500 in savings for my first car that year, which was a lot in the 1980s. iirc correctly it was around £100 for an ounce of resin which I bough every 3-4 weeks, during that time too much focus was on meeting up with friends and getting stoned, so college and work suffered. My dad was at his wits end (never had any problems with my 4 siblings and made me promise not to tell them I was a drug user 🤣), but I didn't listen as being a teen of course I knew better. It was only when my boss at the time, who was only 7 years older than me so not another oldie who knew nothing, diverted me to the pub on the way to the train station after work a couple of times for very supportive unofficial conversations and I soon came to my senses and packed cannabis and that friendship group in.

Is there someone who your son your son would listen to? Would talk to them about their life goals and how drugs just won't fit in. Teens generally do not listen to parents.

ds(17) already knows my thoughts on it around the illegality/supply chain/safety/risks. If he started using all money would be stopped, I would not be enabling it. That would include privileges such as driving lessons and/or access to a car to drive - I would not enable him drive under the prolonged influence of drugs. I have told him I will not be spending thousands supporting him through uni to his career goal if he decides to take those risks. I also know a couple of men outside the family whose opinions he values and they would happily have an unofficial conversation with him - his gym PT and ex youth footie team coach who we still keep in touch with.

Does your boarding school have a drug testing scheme? If so you can ask your son to be put onto it. Knowing there could be a drugs tests with consequences (warning first then asked to leave) could be enough to stop him.

(You can buy the tests to do at home but then you would need clear ideas of where you would go with positive results).

I don't smoke weed but I'm laughing at your idea of why alcohol and cigarettes are legal - because the government of the past studied them extensively and decreed them legal based on the outcome. That is not what happened and I'm sure your son knows this! They are legal for cultural and historical reasons. If invented today they would never be legalised. I'd say leave this out of future discussions.