How to persuade a teen to avoid using recreational drugs

[DCoutwittingMe]

DS is 17, soon to be 18.
Earlier in the week we discovered he had been using a recreational drug (weed). We were devastated of course and sat down with him to talk things through.

To my surprise he was well prepared for the ‘talk’ - he told us he started last summer, he had only used it on occasion, he wasn’t an addict, he was in control, he knew the amount he was taking wasn’t harmful, he wasn’t being pressured by friends - in fact, he had actually asked a friend to source it for him (pre-lockdown of course). He even produced reams of research papers and medical studies to back up claims that marijuana/cannabis is less harmful than alcohol & tobacco. It was almost as if he had intended to write an EPQ arguing for the legalisation of cannabis.

We had a long chat - which is not usual, admittedly we’re not a very communicative family (parents working long hours, kids are boarders and very independent). I didn’t get emotional and didn’t get angry - I was afraid that if I did, I would just push him away from us, and I’m not sure he would have anyone left to talk to if that happened, which would compound the problem. So I stayed calm throughout and listened as much as I could. We concluded by having him throw away all of his samples (it wasn’t much - probably less than half a teaspoon) and gear (glass pipes, lighters, papers, cigarettes).

What I’m struggling with at present, is how to convince him to stay away from such substances in the future. He was okay with getting rid of the materials but he refused to makes promises that he wouldn’t use it again in the future. In his mind, weed is a misunderstood substance and so long as he was in control, everything’s okay - in his words, “its no big deal”.

I’ve tried telling him about addiction, the harm it does, etc - but he has papers, studies, research to counter my every argument. Moreover, he’s strong academically, and his grades haven’t dropped, so I can’t evidence any physical/psychological/emotional harm he might have suffered as a result.

I told him that its illegal - he argued that he wouldn’t get caught; and even if he did, he wouldn’t ever be in possession of enough substance to be considered as a dealer, only a consumer (and something about having 3 chances before being caught out or something along those lines).

I asked him his reasons for doing it - he said he enjoyed the feeling, it felt good, it was an escape from monotony, and most importantly he didn’t experience any side-effects and there was no negative feelings after.

There’s probably something very obvious I’m missing here, something which I can try to appeal to him, about the insanity of the situation but I’m mentally drained, struggling to think straight and honestly at a complete loss on what to do next. If anyone has similar experience or know of anyone/anything that could help, please advise.

Regarding all of his research there is one thing that he is neglecting to understand, which you could highlight for him, since he is so into the studies.
Yes there is evidence that would suggest that alcohol might be worse than weed. BUT that is in adults!
Weed use in adolescence is linked to cognitive function changes - actually worse than alcohol.
Weed use and a developing brain is not a good mix and it is highly recommended to not start smoking weed until ones brain is fully developed to avoid damaging cognitive development.
And this is coming from someone who used to smoke quite a lot of weed in my mid-twenties, but have hardly touched alcohol since my late teens/early twenties.
Would be a good idea for you to read up on weed use and the developing brain.
If he could just wait till his mid-twenties, then all of his studies will be valid 😂

Honestly he's probably just gonna stop doing it around you, he's already told you that he won't promise not to do it again, looks like he's done his own research and is being as responsible as he came be. I'm sure some point in the future weed be be legal again, taxes on it would be a great way to claw back pandemic spending and would make a lot of new viable jobs.

He produced papers?!

I'd also raise the point about him being in your house. You are unwittingly being involved in a crime, in that you have illegal drugs in your house. I don't know what you do for work but could that backfire on you in anyway? It doesn't matter that it's it only a personal use amount, he is still bringing illegal material into your home.
I was with a pot head for two years. He knew I hated it and never tried to get me to use it or used it around me but I went absolutely crazy at him when I realised he had it on him when he camemtl visit me. The idea that we could be stopped by the police and I'd be in some way implicated was intolerable.

Is he still at boarding school in normal times? Most boarding schools I'm aware of have a 0 drugs tolerance. He could lose his place at school of that's the case, even over a small baggy.

That's lovely that he thinks there are ethical ways of sourcing the weed. Everyone loves an "artisanal" label. I'd be asking how he was checking the veracity of his supply chain.

Thanks again to all posters, especially to those sharing experiences whether as former users or knowing someone who was or still is.

I think I will continue to argue with him along the lines of knowing one’s boundary, and the dangers of unregulated materials - really just hoping to appeal to his common sense here.

The suggestions on travel/visas, girls, roadside tests - I’m not sure they will hold much sway during lockdown, so I will just drop them in conversations in passing, putting more emphasis on other risks and dangers for now.

I will also draw his attention to illegal cannabis farms - the story in the Guardian about trafficking youths from Vietnam to work as slaves in cannabis farms is harrowing (thank you for highlighting).

However, while reading the Guardian article, I clicked on a link which took me to the most recent page on the subject of cannabis and I couldn’t help notice that at least 80% of the articles were steeped towards promotion of some form of cannabis legalisation or at least acceptance that cannabis isn’t the evil most think it is. To me, at least, some of the articles seemed outright pro-cannabis, more progressive than I imagined. Am I the only one out of my comfort zone on this? Am I just too old-fashioned? Stuck in my ways because as a kid growing up in the 70’s/80’s I was conditioned by “Just Say No!” and “Drugs Screw You Up?” on the tele?.

@Jasperjosephjulian

I'd also raise the point about him being in your house. You are unwittingly being involved in a crime, in that you have illegal drugs in your house. I don't know what you do for work but could that backfire on you in anyway? It doesn't matter that it's it only a personal use amount, he is still bringing illegal material into your home. I was with a pot head for two years. He knew I hated it and never tried to get me to use it or used it around me but I went absolutely crazy at him when I realised he had it on him when he camemtl visit me. The idea that we could be stopped by the police and I'd be in some way implicated was intolerable.

Is he still at boarding school in normal times? Most boarding schools I'm aware of have a 0 drugs tolerance. He could lose his place at school of that's the case, even over a small baggy.

That's lovely that he thinks there are ethical ways of sourcing the weed. Everyone loves an "artisanal" label. I'd be asking how he was checking the veracity of his supply chain.

He is still at school (was, pre-lockdown). He said he didn’t do it at school, and none of his school friends have done it or know about him doing it. He is aware of the school’s zero tolerance towards drugs.

Something I omitted earlier - he’s an aspiring medic, has offers for university in September 2021. I only bring this up because pre-lockdown while gaining work experience, he spent quite a bit of time with some older medicine students who are local. And if he’s truthful about no one at school taking cannabis, his only other peer group who may have sourced the material for him would be those medics. that last sentence is pure speculation on my part.

I’ve worked in the nhs all my life and in my experience it’s rare for doctors to be stoners. I don’t think it would be too compatible with the demands of the job. He might want to think about that.
The medical students could have been smoking though I guess.

Weed is much safer than booze. There's a risk of psychosis but only in people predisposed to mental health issues. There's been no reported deaths from cannabis. I'd be much happier him doing that than binge drinking.

If he's getting buds then you can be pretty sure it's cannabis but if it's ground it could be mixed with other substances.

I agree with earlier posters - he's going to do what he wants in the end. I'm against the 'War on Drugs'. Preaching abstinence doesn't work with sex or drugs, so talk about harm reduction with him.
WEDINOS does free drug testing by post in the U.K. - maybe ask him to send samples off to see if it is what he wanted.
If he was taking powders/pills/crystals, like mdma for example, then the risk would be higher as you don't know what's in it whereas buds are fairly easy to identify by eye and I'd suggest buying a reagent test kit for him but that's not really necessary with weed.

I'd really try to keep the communication open - don't be overly preachy. Tell him you're not happy with him doing it but if he is, you want him to be safe and sensible.

I know my mum always preached that all drugs are bad and kill you apart from alcohol which is ok in moderation as an adult, but booze is really really harmful. It's the only drug whose withdrawals can kill you. Even heroin withdrawals won't kill you (though they may make you want to die!) In reality, a lot of illegal substances are less harmful than the legal ones.

I've attached a diagram showing the harm of different drugs based on this article www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(07)60464-4/fulltext

It's not the end of the world that he's smoking weed, just make sure he knows how to keep himself safe whilst doing it. And introducing him to drugs testing is a good idea. The most dangerous thing in most drugs is the cut, not the active ingredient, and the strength for pills in particular.

My 17yr old disappeared down the rabbit hole of recreational drugs. I made him engage with substance abuse services, youth services, social services and the police. It was a terrible time. I gave him an ultimatum that he had to get a job and stop taking drugs and sneaking out at all hours before the age of 18, if he didn't then he had to leave. He got a fabulous job, full time, and now has his own home with his partner. I absolutely wouldn't tolerate that and was terrified of where it might lead. I'm so very proud of him now.

My kids and I watched 'Beautiful boy' together and this helped them see the addictive nature of drugs and how it soon became necessary rather than 'recreational' or 'fun'

We also visited California a couple of years ago, where drugs are legalised, it was everywhere along with acute mh problems and homelessness

It has put my teens off- completely

Obviously the film might be the cheaper option

Weed is addictive and imo leads on to other drugs

Honestly I thought drugs should be legalised, three weeks in a State where it is, and people are smoking week at 10am in the morning I changed my mind

'Even' weed is addictive and the new strains are highly potent

If you need any mind altering substance to have fun (alcohol/drugs etc) you have the beginnings of a problem.

He needs to see the negative effect of the drugs I think to even consider changing his behaviour 🤷‍♀️

@chickadeeeeeeeee

Weed is addictive and imo leads on to other drugs

Honestly I thought drugs should be legalised, three weeks in a State where it is, and people are smoking week at 10am in the morning I changed my mind

'Even' weed is addictive and the new strains are highly potent

If you need any mind altering substance to have fun (alcohol/drugs etc) you have the beginnings of a problem.

Weed can be addictive, but studies have shown it's less habit forming than other drugs like alcohol, caffeine and nicotine (1) It leads into stronger drugs if you're meeting dodgy people to source and they offer something else. The idea that it's a 'gateway drug' is wholly unsubstantiated (2)

(1) - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3069146/
(2) - https://drugpolicy.org/sites/default/files/DebunkingGatewayMythNYY_0.pdf

I think to reference people you know who are habitual users and display what they've done with their lives is important. For example, all the habitual users I know are down and out, without a job, wasting their lives, or depressed, and won't admit that the weed is a problem.

It's a lot different smoking it these days because it's so much stronger.

Also look into Gabor Mate and his lectures about the nature of addiction. He talks about any addiction being a cover up for deeper pain and hurt. I'm not suggesting your son has any big issues, but to help encourage him to recognise why we use such substances, and make sure the reasons are not related to escaping reality or trauma or difficult feelings is really important. Because it will never ever work. You're just suppressing the difficult feelings and making it even worse.

I'm really interested in some of the more pearl clutching responses here. Do you not live in cities? Weed use is everywhere! People smoke joints all the time. I live near a park (inner city but nice part) and people smoke there any time of day and night. It's rife. Police don't care.
I think if you come down hard on this you're at risk of losing him. It would seem to be an extreme reaction.
Just make sure he isn't a twat about it, doesn't do it in your house and doesn't do it in the daytime.
But in all honesty, like many things, he's going to have to find his way. Good luck.

Good points on here.

I would be dealing with
*it is an escape from monotony"

I always think boredom is a dangerous thing.

Show him the picture of Rachel Whitear in her bedroom.

@chickadeeeeeeeee

My kids and I watched 'Beautiful boy' together and this helped them see the addictive nature of drugs and how it soon became necessary rather than 'recreational' or 'fun'

We also visited California a couple of years ago, where drugs are legalised, it was everywhere along with acute mh problems and homelessness

It has put my teens off- completely

Obviously the film might be the cheaper option

On a recent trip to Vancouver with my then 19yr old DD, we saw what the effects of legalised cannabis had on the youth population. Teens completely wasted in parks, on street corners, hardly edgy and hip, more sad and despondent. She was shocked by what she saw, and so was I tbh, because I was led to believe that legalising cannabis use meant these sorts of things wouldn’t happen anymore. If you look at the countries where it is legal, its because big pharma have pushed the agenda as its a billion dollar industry now.

@Pyewhacket

Show him the picture of Rachel Whitear in her bedroom.

Heroin is not the same as weed 🙄 these shock tactics do not work. I know because they didn't work on me or my friends. Kids know that if you compare the two, you aren't being honest with risks and will look for information themselves. It's better to just be honest.

@Orangesarenottheonlyfruit

I'm really interested in some of the more pearl clutching responses here. Do you not live in cities? Weed use is everywhere! People smoke joints all the time. I live near a park (inner city but nice part) and people smoke there any time of day and night. It's rife. Police don't care. I think if you come down hard on this you're at risk of losing him. It would seem to be an extreme reaction. Just make sure he isn't a twat about it, doesn't do it in your house and doesn't do it in the daytime. But in all honesty, like many things, he's going to have to find his way. Good luck.

Sod off with your ‘Pearl clutching’ insults. I live near city centre Manchester - yes, weed smoking is rife and so is homelessness, heroin use, alcoholism and crime associated with all of the above.

www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Marijuana-and-Teens-106.aspx

@Soontobe60 do you have any stats/studies showing that weed is the cause of homelessness and crime? Because I would think homeless people turn to substances to escape the reality of homelessness, be it weed alcohol or heroin. It is a problem but a problem of homelessness, not drugs

@soontobe60 ignoring your rudeness but you've totally proved my point. Alcoholism may be common but not everyone who tries drinking at 17 is an alcoholic.
Smoking weed is everywhere in cities and not just by addicts. Plenty of people from all backgrounds do it.
I really don't understand the massive drama, especially from the posters gurning over a picture of a heroin addict from 21 years ago. It's mouth-frothing excitibility.

[quote Orangesarenottheonlyfruit]@soontobe60 ignoring your rudeness but you've totally proved my point. Alcoholism may be common but not everyone who tries drinking at 17 is an alcoholic.
Smoking weed is everywhere in cities and not just by addicts. Plenty of people from all backgrounds do it.
I really don't understand the massive drama, especially from the posters gurning over a picture of a heroin addict from 21 years ago. It's mouth-frothing excitibility.[/quote]
Thank you. There's so much overreacting on this thread, I'm glad there's someone talking sense!