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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Found 2 x toilet brushes in DD yr11 almost 16 years olds messy bedroom

63 replies

Spring2021 · 30/01/2021 14:32

We have been trying to encourage DD to tidy up her very messy unhygienic bedroom for a couple of weeks (even just to put dirty clothes in wash, rubbish down, food/snack papers in bin, strip her bed etc).
I thought I would leave it at DH’s suggestion also as she home schools from there and she particularly hates me. But my favourite microfibre hair towel was in there, other towels, plus mugs, plates and snack food rubbish etc etc. As she does her schoolwork in there and screams at us to go away/get out if we go anywhere near we haven’t been able to get in to tidy it up. She rarely leaves the house, gets dressed and rarely goes in the shower. But we insist she comes downstairs and sits at the table to eat her evening meal with us.
Today I dropped hints to DH about it so he went in whilst she was in the shower (she is slightly more tolerant of him). Amongst the mess he found two newish looking toilet brushes? When she came out of the shower she went mad when she realised someone had been in her room stripped her bed and picked up a mountain of washing etc. She also assumed it was me and sent me a couple of abusive texts.
Anyway getting to the toilet brushes I quickly googled teen girl toilet brush (I thought she was maybe doing some sort of silly/unusual Tiktok thing but had no idea what) and a lot of hard porn things came up. Am I missing something here or am I right to be concerned? DH asked her where she got them from bearing in mind we are in lockdown and she hasn’t been out the house since before Christmas. She said her Best Friend had bought her them. We have suspicions that she may have a bit of a crush on her BF. She is quiet, angry and moody and has totally fell out of love with us since lockdown one so we are lucky if we get a grunt, a swear word or a one word answer to any conversation with her. She only really speaks to her BF now and is not with a popular in crowd at school. What would you think/do in this situation?

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 30/01/2021 14:36

Nothing.

CaraDuneRedux · 30/01/2021 14:36
Hmm
DinosaurDiana · 30/01/2021 14:39

My only thought is from the Gavin and Stacey episode, where I took it to be that Nessa put the toilet brush handle up Smithy’s bum during sex ?
Could it be something like that ?

AlwaysLatte · 30/01/2021 14:43

Some posters are lovely, aren't they?

I suppose I do find it a bit strange that so much stuff has managed to accumulate - My sons usually remember to bring water glasses etc down but we're up there every day to say goodnight/open curtains/make beds etc so we just take stuff that doesn't belong and they've forgotten. My first though on toilet brushes would be it's a joke thing? Or tictoc prop for a silly video, like a spoof make up one? What sort of videos is she posting? If they're generally a bit silly then that might explain it? I'd ask her outright, in a bit of a joky/puzzled way, about it. If she reacts over the top then you could probs further. Also have a chat with the other girl's mother, you could both have things to say to help the other.

Wenolikeexplodeythings · 30/01/2021 14:45

So she is still 15? And would have been a fairly recently turned 15 back in March. Why have you allowed her behaviour to get like this?

Dont bother with the "oh, she's just a teenager". Plenty of parents are dealing with teenagers during this last year of lockeowns. The teens are still involved in family life, getting fresh air and washing themselves.

How did you let it get to this stage?

AlwaysLatte · 30/01/2021 14:45

I just read your post again a d you came to the same conclusion, I missed that bit!

FabbyMagic · 30/01/2021 14:46

Erm what exactly did you search to get results relating to porn coming up?

FabbyMagic · 30/01/2021 14:48

Unless you searched “teen girl toilet brush” and then yes I imagine you’d get gross results but then anything with “teen girl” gets that Envy (not envy)

MerylStropp · 30/01/2021 14:54

Can't offer any help with the loo brushes, but if it's any consolation our DD was exactly the same, if not worse - dirty dishes, rotting food, piles of dirty washing all ankle-deep on the floor ... until recently. It's like someone flicked a switch. A few months after she turned 18. The floor is suddenly clear, bin emptied regularly, washing done, sheets changed, dishes placed neatly by the door and brought downstairs when she comes down to visit (!), etc. etc. Bed not made, but you can't have everything... Grin We did wonder if it's something to do with her room being visible during her online lessons... Hmm Whatever the reason, it's very welcome!

FlyingByTheSeatof · 30/01/2021 15:00

My DD room is an absolute tip whereas DS bedroom is immaculate.

PinkyU · 30/01/2021 15:03

I really, really do not understand why any parent ignores the onset of rude, antisocial behaviour in their children and watched on as it gets the stage of the above examples.

PinkyU · 30/01/2021 15:06

@Spring2021 it’s a fairly big area of concern when a child’s behaviour suddenly changes, they become more insular, disengage from those around them.

Rather than focusing on this one element (which may be mortifying for her), try to appeal to her to discuss how she’s feeling, watch daft videos with her, try to re-engage with her.

JesusAteMyHamster · 30/01/2021 15:11

I would start a conversation that starts with the line ' you are taking the fucking piss ' and go from there.

No shouting, but she needs to know she's crossing the line of what it takes to be an acceptable human being. She's going to be in for a harsh wake up call if she treats people the way she's treating you right now.

Original poster
Spring2021 · 30/01/2021 15:11

She is 16 in a week. She has gradually spent more and more time in her bedroom and retreated away from us.
She asked us not to touch her about a year ago and has stopped giving us or letting us give her a kiss goodnight as she didn’t like that either.
She was having a shower and washing her hair every other night but since the schools didn’t re open in January she seems to have stopped. If she does have a shower she changes back into other nightwear again.
We ask her to put her phone on charge over night in the main living room around 10-10.30 ish so we say goodnight to her then and I tell her I love her which she ignores.
Occasionally she will come out with us for a dog walk on a weekend but more often than not she won’t or she will come and be really sullen and sarcastic.
She is very independent and hates mornings always has done so she would go mad if we entered her room and opened her blinds on a morning (also it would be inappropriate before she was dressed especially as next door have builders round). She either sets an alarm clock or I knock gently on her door to ask if she’s up yet and to tell her its X time.
Re what I googled I think I googled TikTok teen toilet brush or something. Yes it made me think of Nessa and Smithy too. But why on earth would BF buy her a toilet brush or 2 x toilet brushes and if she did why would she keep it?!?

OP posts:
SquirrelFan · 30/01/2021 15:12

@PinkyU because we might:
be working
have physical or mental health issues
have other children with varying needs
be in a difficult /abusive relationship
be not in accordance with the other parent, so trying to discipline/address issues is twice as hard
be assured by other parents that "it's just a phase"/"teenagers are like that" (which is often true!)
I mean, there's lots of reasons! Use your imagination!

CorianderBee · 30/01/2021 15:19

Very weird. Can you check her laptop?

Original poster
Spring2021 · 30/01/2021 15:19

@PinkyU and others we (DH and I) have had or tried to have many many conversations with DD since March. In the car, on a dog walk, whilst eating cake, on the sofa, in her bedroom, on a beach, up a fell etc.
We have watched films and baked etc.
We have tried to do nice things but like most year 11’s this is a very stressful time for them not seeing their peers and living with the stress of whats going to happen with her GCSE’s and will they ever get back to school, be able to meet up with friends etc.

In no way have we sat back and passively let this happen and not tried to help intervene, resolve things.
We are both working from home as is her older brother and she is doing schoolwork from home (gets up at the last minute) and chats and plays games with her BF from the minute lessons finish.

OP posts:
Tinacollada · 30/01/2021 15:22

I do completely agree with Pinky In the sense that things can get out of hand for various reasons.

I do think however that the OP and her partner have identified that the way their DD is living and the state of her bedroom is not acceptable.

I hate being a nag but with younger DC myself their bedrooms are a tip if I don't get them to blitz them each weekend.

If that were me I'd be putting my foot down, get a black bag and tell her to crack on. Consider she home schools from a room outside of her bedroom at least some of the time.

Remove the bog brushes, and talk about them another time !

Tinacollada · 30/01/2021 15:23

Sorry, I meant agree with Squirrel!!

Frodont · 30/01/2021 15:24

@PinkyU

I really, really do not understand why any parent ignores the onset of rude, antisocial behaviour in their children and watched on as it gets the stage of the above examples.
Me too
Theunamedcat · 30/01/2021 15:26

I tell my 12 year old if they don't return dishes and plates etc to the kitchen they dont get their food in their room

Internet is a privilege not a right minimum hygiene standards will be maintained or they just get school hours Internet

Respect personal boundaries by all means but Knocking gently on a mardy teens door would not happen in my house hell my 20 year old gets the lights turned on and the curtains flung open (she regularly falls asleep on my sofa i refuse to not have access to my living room for the day)

Original poster
Spring2021 · 30/01/2021 15:26

Thanks @SquirrelFan we are both working I am not in an abusive relationship or have MH/Physical issues. But I am CEV. Her DS is 17 and also doing his schoolwork at home. He is fairly well rounded, sociable and academically able. He will chat from time to time about his schoolwork, teachers and friends etc. And will put the recycling out, empty the dishwasher, take the dog for a walk without arguing and a torrent of abuse. But DD who was the loveliest affectionate little girl before Secondary School just treats us with contempt.

OP posts:
Olliphant · 30/01/2021 15:27

I have read there is a connection between loo brushes and bulimia?

Original poster
Spring2021 · 30/01/2021 15:28

My DS not her DS

OP posts:
SquirrelFan · 30/01/2021 15:30

OP, I think some kids are like that. Not to say you shouldn't try everything you can (it's kind of an act of faith in her that she may appreciate someday), but try not to blame yourself (or let others blame you).