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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Found 2 x toilet brushes in DD yr11 almost 16 years olds messy bedroom

63 replies

Spring2021 · 30/01/2021 14:32

We have been trying to encourage DD to tidy up her very messy unhygienic bedroom for a couple of weeks (even just to put dirty clothes in wash, rubbish down, food/snack papers in bin, strip her bed etc).
I thought I would leave it at DH’s suggestion also as she home schools from there and she particularly hates me. But my favourite microfibre hair towel was in there, other towels, plus mugs, plates and snack food rubbish etc etc. As she does her schoolwork in there and screams at us to go away/get out if we go anywhere near we haven’t been able to get in to tidy it up. She rarely leaves the house, gets dressed and rarely goes in the shower. But we insist she comes downstairs and sits at the table to eat her evening meal with us.
Today I dropped hints to DH about it so he went in whilst she was in the shower (she is slightly more tolerant of him). Amongst the mess he found two newish looking toilet brushes? When she came out of the shower she went mad when she realised someone had been in her room stripped her bed and picked up a mountain of washing etc. She also assumed it was me and sent me a couple of abusive texts.
Anyway getting to the toilet brushes I quickly googled teen girl toilet brush (I thought she was maybe doing some sort of silly/unusual Tiktok thing but had no idea what) and a lot of hard porn things came up. Am I missing something here or am I right to be concerned? DH asked her where she got them from bearing in mind we are in lockdown and she hasn’t been out the house since before Christmas. She said her Best Friend had bought her them. We have suspicions that she may have a bit of a crush on her BF. She is quiet, angry and moody and has totally fell out of love with us since lockdown one so we are lucky if we get a grunt, a swear word or a one word answer to any conversation with her. She only really speaks to her BF now and is not with a popular in crowd at school. What would you think/do in this situation?

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 30/01/2021 15:31

You say that she asked you not to touch her about a year ago, so before lockdown.

Can you think back to that time and remember anything off that might have happened or other changes in her demeanour that predate the pandemic?

I'd be really concerned about her mental health, but also wondering if something had happened to trigger this decline that maybe isn't so obvious.

Could you speak to someone at school to see if they've noticed changes in her behaviour given that she must have been there for at least some of the time since this started happening? What is their pastoral support like? Perhaps someone could reach out to her under the guise of a general check in and offer support that she might be more willing to engage with from an outside source.

What is she like when you insist she eats with you? Does she engage with the rest of the family or is she sullen and sarky as on dog walks.

There's a lot to unpick here I think, and tbh the toilet brushes would be the least of my concerns.

For the time being I would continue respecting her space/privacy but add the conditions that she mustn't leave food festering in her room, brings down dirty crockery/glasses at dinner time each day, showers alternate days and changes her bed weekly.

growinggreyer · 30/01/2021 15:32

It sounds like you are way out of your depths with her. Contact her school and have a frank chat with someone from the pastoral team. She needs help from someone who can reach her.

ItsJustARide · 30/01/2021 15:47

Sounds like she’s struggling, perhaps depressed. I agree that she needs help from someone who can get through.

bitliketonyhares · 30/01/2021 15:51

I mean - I feel like it's quite obvious what's happening with the toil toilet brushes? But it will mortify her so maybe step lightly x

Oreservoir · 30/01/2021 16:07

My dn was an absolute nightmare in her teens.
I really don’t know how her parents got through it all.
She called the police out once because she didn’t think her parents should keep her inside one night when she was 15 and got herself very drunk. They were encouraging her to lie down and sleep it off.

She’s a happy, sensible adult now with a lovely dh and two dc.
So don’t despair.
If you can survive the next 3 years she’ll probably turn into an acceptable member of society.

Russell19 · 30/01/2021 16:22

What was her reaction when you asked about the toilet brushes?

babbaloushka · 30/01/2021 16:23

Had almost the exact same issues with one of my DDs, dramatic decline in MH, concerning hints of hypersexuality etc.

I had to gently integrate her back into family life, avoiding confrontation and picking my battles, hygiene and room cleanliness were battles I picked. Gradually she came around and by year 13 she was bright, chatty, engaged and I was sad to see her go off to uni, when months prior I almost couldn't stand her. I dont know if it's an age thing, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I would be concerned about the toilet brushes and try and broach it with her, tell her you're worried.

Mine used to snaffle electric toothbrushes, which I would hear her using Hmm whilst on call to people. I was so worried, and engaged with her carefully about why I kept finding them under her bed, and she was open and we resolved it.

Sorry to hear things are so difficult, parenting teenagers is HARD. Mine also preferred DP, and wasn't afraid to say it, which stung like a bitch. Best wishes, I hope you can resolve it with her and find out what the toilet brushes are being used for.

CorianderBee · 30/01/2021 16:24

@bitliketonyhares

I mean - I feel like it's quite obvious what's happening with the toil toilet brushes? But it will mortify her so maybe step lightly x
Yes I did consider this too. Lots of young women try, erm, unusual methods sometimes.
Original poster
Spring2021 · 30/01/2021 16:24

Yes, thanks for the supportive and understanding replies. We are good parents and love DD to bits. I agree we are out of our depths and yes she probably is depressed and or is maybe on the spectrum being so averse to being touched. If I glance or smile at her she doesn’t like it. But she won’t really talk to us. She will have her meals downstairs but can’t wait to get back up to her room. Actually the rule in our house is no food or drink upstairs but since Jan she has been sneaking things upstairs. I have asked her to bring things down but she just ignores it.

DD was bullied mid year 8 which really affected her and her confidence, happiness, mood and self esteem etc. I tried to help and be supportive and contacted the school with her permission and asked them to tread carefully etc but they messed up and it escalated things and the bullies were sneaky (which DD blamed me for). The school don’t really know her as it is a massive comp and DD hates the attention so keeps her head down. I suggested counselling and also suggested a school move but DD wouldn’t hear of either.

The bullying by ex friends was the start of things going wrong also I think she is jealous of DS and thinks we favour him and hate. We have explained this is not the case and we love her (but she doesn’t listen). I think these are the main issues plus GCSE/lockdown schooling are the main issues.

DH says my SIL was similar in terms of moodiness and bad attitude to her parents. She eventually grew out of it and is lovely now but it took her until her mid late 30’’s.

We are in lockdown so counselling isn’t easy to access as in demand and would only be virtual also counselling wouldn’t work unless she was in favour of it which she isn’t. I have suggested we both have counselling either she can see someone private or we can both have counselling separately to try and improve our relationship. But it certainly isn’t cheap and I am not paying for her to go fine, fine, fine, ok, ok, ok to a counsellor.

The way DH has set the phones up we all have unlimited data. So knocking the WIFI off won’t really help.

OP posts:
CorianderBee · 30/01/2021 16:27

@Olliphant

I have read there is a connection between loo brushes and bulimia?
As a former bulimic I can't think of anything except to clean the loo afterwards? And they wouldn't be clean after that.

Never come across this connection tbh.

babbaloushka · 30/01/2021 16:29

You sound like a great parent OP, I know it's difficult not to blame yourself when they are constantly telling you that you are the problem. Again, my advice is just pick your battles and engage gently. If you suspect she may be on the spectrum, contact the school and get her tested.

TheRealLadyWhistledown · 30/01/2021 16:38

So strange ... of all the things why toilet brushes? What am I missing?

Your poor DD. I remember being similar at her age, my relationship with my mum has never fully recovered.

It sounds like you’re doing all you can OP Flowers

mootymoo · 30/01/2021 16:40

Sorry no loo brush suggestions but I'm still fighting my dd about her room and she's far older, ditto the shower, changing bed linen etc. I've told her to do them today but she's not got up yet. Lockdown is not good for most people but for those with fragile mental health, hormonal teens etc it's terrible. I've cut my dd too much slack probably but as long as she's alive at the end of lockdown, I can put up with moodiness, dirty clothes and her needing a shower (then I'll send her to her fathers!)

Fairydustrust · 30/01/2021 16:43

Some teens are just so much harder work than others. I think they really struggle with the changes, the feelings and the hormones. She knows deep down that you love her, and her family is there for her. You have given her the foundations to build into a good adult. Unfortunately for you, you probably have a couple of years to wait!
Don't despair, it will get better Flowers

MindyStClaire · 30/01/2021 16:50

Maybe I'm out of touch as it's a long time since I was a teen, and my own children are tiny, but I'd be very worried. Forgetting the loo brushes, her behaviour sounds very much on the wrong side of grumpy teen / struggling with her mental health to me.

NotFabulousDarling · 30/01/2021 16:52

I think with regs to whatever you think the brushes are for, discretion is the better part of valour. This isn't "hypersexuality" as some dramatic PP put it. You said yourself you don't know what they're for. If she is using them that way, that's normal exploration at this age. Would you prefer her to be reacting to her new hormone surges by going out and doing stuff with a boy?

Let her have her privacy about the toilet brushes. The dishes are a separate matter and she needs encouraging to take them down.

What I don't understand is why your first thought was to Google something that was very obviously going to throw up porn results and got you in a worry? Why would your first thought be TikTok? Why would it be to google "teen girl toilet brush" specifically?

Covidcorvid · 30/01/2021 16:56

I’d warn her not to use a toilet brush handle as I know someone where the plastic end came off and stayed in situ. She’s better off getting a proper dildo.

Original poster
Spring2021 · 30/01/2021 17:12

Because @NotFabulousDarling because a few months ago she had a jet black mark on chin or something strange I can’t quite remember. I asked her how it happened and she said she didn’t know and for some reason I googled it and it was part of a Tiktok challenge. I asked her again and finally she eventually showed me the video her and her best friend had been copying.

Thanks at Fairydustrust mootymoo TheRealLadyWhistledown and babbaloushka

OP posts:
Tal45 · 30/01/2021 17:42

When I read your first post it screamed asd to me, since part way through secondary school my ds has not allowed me to touch him or even brush past. His room is an absolute tip and he would never wash if he didn't have to. It's great she told you about the mark on her chin could you ask her gently about the toilet brush? Why her friend bought it for her? I wonder if you could buy her an innocent 'massager' and tell her it's to help her get used to touch - but actually because it would be safer to use than a toilet brush if she so felt the need. She sounds like she's really struggling though, I'd see if you can get some professonal help for her. I'd make a deal - some very clear rules about what you expect her room to be like (not just 'tidy' that's too vague for someone with possible asd) and in return you'll stay out of there.

Ginandshinythings · 30/01/2021 18:11

I couldn't think of anything worse, being a teenager during this pandemic. I had a Rocky relationship when I was around 14-16, mostly due to freedom, once my mum gave me a little more our relationship totally changed and we are so so close. Obviously not doable in the current climate.

Could she be starting her periods? Hormones and embarrassment could be the reasoning behind her behavior?

VodkaSlimline · 30/01/2021 18:41

I don't know what CEV means but I think the bog brushes are the least of your worries. Take the door off her room until she can keep it in a decent state and don't do anything for her if she can't treat you with respect and kindness.

Original poster
Spring2021 · 30/01/2021 19:15

@Ginandshinythings she started her periods sometime ago when she was 12.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 30/01/2021 19:28

@VodkaSlimline

I don't know what CEV means but I think the bog brushes are the least of your worries. Take the door off her room until she can keep it in a decent state and don't do anything for her if she can't treat you with respect and kindness.
CEV = clinically extremely vulnerable
babbaloushka · 30/01/2021 19:30

@NotFabulousDarling

I think with regs to whatever you think the brushes are for, discretion is the better part of valour. This isn't "hypersexuality" as some dramatic PP put it. You said yourself you don't know what they're for. If she is using them that way, that's normal exploration at this age. Would you prefer her to be reacting to her new hormone surges by going out and doing stuff with a boy?

Let her have her privacy about the toilet brushes. The dishes are a separate matter and she needs encouraging to take them down.

What I don't understand is why your first thought was to Google something that was very obviously going to throw up porn results and got you in a worry? Why would your first thought be TikTok? Why would it be to google "teen girl toilet brush" specifically?

I was referencing warning signs I had seen in my own DD...
gingganggooleywotsit · 30/01/2021 20:26

@Wenolikeexplodeythings what a judgey post