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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 year old dd pierced her own nose

81 replies

gingganggooleywotsit · 25/01/2021 19:16

I’m so angry. She did it a month ago but I’ve only just seen it. We have turned Off all the WiFi she is refusing to take it out I am so shocked she has done this. She has pierced her own ears before and now has 4 holes but I never thought she’d do this. I have long suspected she has aspergers as both my siblings have it. I don’t know what to do I am so upset

OP posts:
WatchWatch · 25/01/2021 19:56

I don't really see the big deal. My friends and I did similar stuff at that age. I had all sorts of holes, self inflicted and professionally done by 16.

I had a very stable upbringing and have turned out perfectly fine and I'm a doctor now.

Scbchl · 25/01/2021 19:57

My 16 year old also pierced her ears a third time and a fourth time and up the top when she was fourteen or fifteen.. I let her get her nose pierced as she said she would pierce it otherwise at 14. Loads of teens do it. I certainly remember various friends doing it with ice and a potato behind their lobe 20+ years ago.

Absolutely dont think that indicates Aspergers.

sadpapercourtesan · 25/01/2021 19:57

The little buggers unfortunately know their own parents and what to do to push the right buttons! A nose piercing wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but mine (16 and 18) have both done things that have made my hair turn grey. One of mine has Aspergers and he's been no less boundary-trampling and difficult than the NT one, but like you, I worry about him more. He's struggled with his identity and his sensory issues and bullying at school, so I'm hyper-aware of anything going amiss with him, more than DS2, which is probably unfair really.

It sounds like you're gradually getting over the shock and I'm sure this thread will help (have had to be talked down several times by MN after one of mine has done something unexpected). I do agree with others that this could be much, much worse. I hope the assessment process goes swiftly and you get the answers you need.

JudyGemstone · 25/01/2021 19:58

My 14 has a nose piercing, I'd have been pissed off if she'd done it herself though (although I did several of my friends ears).

She should leave it in if she's allowed to keep it and stop messing around with it.

They can be a bit of a bugger when healing

Nat6999 · 25/01/2021 19:59

I did a second piercing in my ear sat in English at school when the teacher had nipped out, I was 15, used a safety pin. At least your dd was sensible enough to have sterilised the needle. This won't ruin her life, pick your battles & this isn't one of them.

AMBC25 · 25/01/2021 20:09

All I will say is there is nothing better for teens when we put things in perspective . With her having the difficulties that you mentioned above, it's so hard for her. Keep calm, even have a little laugh about it. Keep the stressi g for more serious stuff ☺️

idloveapie · 25/01/2021 20:11

tell her you think it looks lovely and just like (I'm sure another poster can suggest someone really boring or embarrassing)

she'll have it out in a flash

toocold54 · 25/01/2021 20:13

I’m shocked at the replies on here!
If my DD did that I’d be pulling it out immediately!

I am all for taking them to a professional to get it done but not as a reward for doing it herself - that doesn’t make sense!

This is completely normal behaviour by the way OP regardless of her upbringing but I am glad you got mad at her as teens still need boundaries and at that age it’s important for them to know that there are boundaries and can be punished if they do silly things.

Often teens will actually like having these boundaries (they don’t show it). She is at an age where they exhibit risky behaviours, so it can stay at piercing herself or it can lead to much worse behaviour.
So it’s about finding that balance of being strict but not too strict.

thesugarbumfairy · 25/01/2021 20:15

Yeah I did that at 14 too. I was incrediibly proud of myself at the time. My mothers fury did nothing to dampen that pride. Its pretty standard teen behaviour isn't it? I don't think I was a hugely rebellious teen either. Sort of middling.
I had that piercing till I was about 22. You can still see where the hole was (I'm 46) I think this is a case of picking your battles. Make sure she has the means to keep it clean.

ThatVeganFeminist · 25/01/2021 20:15

@MsMiaWallace

Interested how people self pierced ? Only coz I'm tempted myself!!
I did with a pin. Several holes in my ears. I don't recommend it though I still have 3 holes unclosed!
ThatVeganFeminist · 25/01/2021 20:17

I pierced my friend's ear cartilage with a safety pin. That was a big mistake! Nasty infection Blush

frazzledasarock · 25/01/2021 20:20

She must be having to re-pierce it every time. I took mine out at 4weeks and couldn’t get the piercing back in without blood and tears!

Personally I’d shrug it off. She’s done it now. I have told my DC if they want to have piercings/drastic haircuts to let me take them to professionals to get them done safely/hygienically and professionally. But it’s their bodies and they’ll have to live with the consequences.

So far I have one child who is very conservative and one who experiments but not too drastically. I get my laughs from not noticing her style choices then she gets all offended when I shrug and say her hair has always looked like she was struck by lightening.

I think DC should have autonomy over their own bodies.
I’d worry about piercings getting infected if she’s doing them herself.

Meggymoo777 · 25/01/2021 20:21

Did this too! Also pierced my own bellybutton... piercing your own nose is painful, I'd be impressed 😂 Went on to have a further 20ish piercings and 3 tattoos throughout my teens and 20s, Mum knew there was no point in arguing, I'd have just pierced more 🙈 I'd like to think I'm a fairly well rounded 30something Mum now with a professional job, kept a few of the piercings but you'd never know to look at me that I was like a colander at one point! 🤣

fucknuckle · 25/01/2021 20:27

i have 3 rings in my nose, 3 in my lower lip and a tongue piercing. i’m 47. my family have been waiting 30-odd years for me to grow out of it.

choose your battles, OP.

thecatfromjapan · 25/01/2021 20:31

I can see why you're worried.

You can see that communication is difficult, boundaries are being pushed, she's not happy, CAHMS involved, possible Aspergers.

What is the key thing you're worried about?

Is it communication? If that's it, go right back to basics and try and find something/anything you can do together - and build from there.

Is it dealing with aspergers? If so, can you get a referral to family therapy?

The piercing is done - but I think your worry is either that it is a symptom of other problems/an indicator of future, worse problems.

If CAHMS are involved, I'm guessing things are difficult.

💐

thecatfromjapan · 25/01/2021 20:33

Meant to say, I was nerdy as a child and even I pierced my ears.

But I strongly, strongly suspect this isn't about ear-piercing.

I'm picking up that you can see it indicates a lot more.

And I suspect you know your daughter far better than we do. So you're probably correct.

beckyyl · 25/01/2021 21:19

@cupofteaaa

Personally think this is totally normal teenage behaviour and it's also a bit of a trend on tik tok. Think most have done worse as teens OP...
Completely agree!!!!
JorisBonson · 25/01/2021 21:20

I pierced my friends nose at that age and she did mine. We used frozen chips.

JorisBonson · 25/01/2021 21:21

I also gave myself a tattoo at 13 🤦🏻‍♀️

Original poster
gingganggooleywotsit · 25/01/2021 21:37

@thecatfromjapan (I love your name) thanks I think you’ve hit the nail on the head it’s more the culmination of other things that have been building up in the lockdown.

OP posts:
Original poster
gingganggooleywotsit · 25/01/2021 21:38

Thanks for all the replies everyone you have definitely helped to calm me down. Will put WiFi back on in the morning tomorrow will be a better day!

OP posts:
MollyBloomYes · 25/01/2021 21:56

I think I'd have been more impressed than horrified! I have lots of piercings, plenty of tattoos and a pretty high tolerance for the pain of them (so much so that the people at the studios often comment on it 😂). However getting my nose done was easily the most painful, I can imagine trying to do that myself!

That aside however, I can understand your worry, especially with lockdown and all the stresses that brings. Not sure what autism has to do with it, be wary of pinning any behaviour you find negative on that, it's not fair on your daughter nor on people with autism. However, as many many people have said before me, these mini rebellions are part and parcel of being a teenager. A very very wise friend said to me of her teens that she knew they'd make a lot of mistakes and do a lot of what seemed to her to be silly things, but all she wanted was that they didn't make any mistakes they couldn't walk away from and they felt ok with the 'silly things' even if their mum thought they were bonkers. I really like that philosophy and certainly she went through the teen years mostly stress free (note...mostly. They weren't perfect!) Both kids now marvellous adults.

As you say, tomorrow is another day!

Premium5 · 30/01/2021 11:11

My dds friend pierced my dds ear also a few days ago. I reacted like you even though I am aware it's not the best reaction. It felt like such a betrayal of trust and Iwas worried about infection. This is the first time she has so openly rebelled so it's a scary moment as you wonder what is next as it's gone from sneaking tech to outright, "I'll do what I want." She admitted to trying vaping on the same day.
My instinct is to hold on tighter, punish but on the other hand I am aware this can make her want to rebel and feel stifled. It's all new territory and as parents we are learning and adapting. My DD is 14.

@FraggleShingleBellRock
If your parents had been more relaxed would you still have done it or would you have done it less? Would you have pushed the boundaries even further?

cheninblanc · 31/01/2021 18:23

It's normal. Next time just take her to the piercing shop so she can have it done cleanly rather than battle with her over something that isn't really worthy of it

MadameTuffington · 31/01/2021 22:51

@gingganggooleywotsit

Aibu to be angry then I just don’t know how to handle it
YANBU - each to their own but there’s far far worse things she could be engaging in.

Just as an aside, my DD14 also did this a few months back with a safety pin 🙈😫 she went to meet her friend and breezed into the kitchen to announce it - I was horrified (the health/infection aspect) - amazingly she used seasalt spray and looked after it so it’s caused no problems - the school were not impressed but did not take issue as long as she wore her retainer.

Fast forward to now and this is the least of my problems - she is doing zero remote learning inspite of being bright and having 100% attendance - unfortunately this lockdown has coincided with a rush of hormones - it will pass - my oldest daughter is now a lovely young lady of 18 - at 14 she was the Devil 🙏

Stay strong OP and have faith - teens REALLY test us.

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