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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Daughter slept overnight with older boyfriend

73 replies

Lda3 · 24/01/2021 09:22

My daughter is in year 10 (14yrs) she has started seeing a boy in year 12 (17yrs). I met him and he seems a nice lad, doing his A-levels, has a job and we had a indepth conversation about sex, that it isn't going to happen!

Over the weekend my daughter stopped at her dad's, I've found out today she was in the bedroom all weekend with her boyfriend, my 11 year old daughter walked in on them and they were unclothed as far as she saw! I'm also pretty sure from what I can gather that he didn't go home either.

I'm so angry at her, her boyfriend and her dad! What should I do?

OP posts:
LarryUnderwood · 24/01/2021 09:28

Talk to her dad first. Then get her on the pill. Then sit down with both of them (her and her bf) and talk to them. Talk to his parents too. Don't scream and shout. You'll probs get lots of people here saying that it's normal etc, and to an extent it is.
But 14 is too young. And at 17 he has to understand that he bears more responsibility. Its easy as teenagers to feel that a few years age gap doesn't matter. But it really does. If he can't be more responsible.then he needs a girlfriend his own age.

Techway · 24/01/2021 09:34

That's quite an age gap for that age.

I would definitely speak to her Dad and boyfriends parents.

You will have to get her on the pill and endure she understands the implications of pregnancy. Maybe she needs the reality wake up, would she go ahead with a pregnancy and the impact on her life or have a termination, which would also impact her.

cautiouscovidity · 24/01/2021 09:39

What about lockdown??? They shouldn't be mixing anyway let alone in each others' houses Angry

But yes, she is still a child and he is pretty much an adult. He needs to learn about statutory rape and the implications it might have on his future and she needs to be properly aware about what an unwanted pregnancy might mean for her.

SmileyClare · 24/01/2021 09:46

Well firstly she's under the age of consent, meaning the 17 year-old lad could be prosecuted or end up on the sex offenders register.

With an age gap like this and her being a child there'll be a significant power imbalance meaning she may feel pressured into sex or other activities.

Talk to her about the risks of sending nude pics and sexting which is very common amongst teens these days. Once her pictures are in circulation online it could cause serious future problems

Agree with others, book her a gp appointment for the pill. They will have sex regardless of what you say to her and it is probably better to keep lines of communication open with her so that she can talk to you about this.
Do you co parent successfully with her dad? I mean, is he open to discussing this sensibly with you and agreeing some house rules?

It's very difficult. This relationship will be damaging for her because she's a child and lacks emotional maturity. Unfortunately, you can't lock her indoors. Sad

pilates · 24/01/2021 09:50

You need to speak to your ex ASAP. Shocked at your ex allowing this 😲 and you need to speak to your DD ASAP, she is a minor. Plus this is breaking all the lockdown rules if you’re in the UK.

polanama · 24/01/2021 10:09

Does she need morning after pill?

SmileyClare · 24/01/2021 10:27

Good point about the MAP. It's most effective taken as soon as possible.

I think you need to put your anger aside for now and be the adult; talk to her calmly about the practicalities. If she thinks she's mature enough to be in a relationship then she needs to be mature enough to be responsible and talk to you about this.

TorringtonDean · 24/01/2021 10:30

Illegal on all fronts - covid and age of consent. He’s a shocking dad. Can the kids stop visiting for a while? Covid concerns?

justanotherneighinparadise · 24/01/2021 10:31

What does the father say?

babyyodaxmas · 24/01/2021 10:38

So the whole lockdown thing is a side issue. I thought LTRs were exempt but realistically you can't keep them apart and if her Dad facilitates it then Hmm. As others have said contraception is the priority here. I would try to get her involved with sexual health services rather than the GP. They know the right questions to ask around consent, capacity and coerction. I appretiate this isn't ideal, but neither is it the end of tbe world as you say, you have met him and like him, there is no evidence he is mistreating her. Be kind to each other Flowers

Leobynature · 24/01/2021 10:42

Only on MNHmm

I would be livid if my 14 year old was having sex with a 17 year old boy for lots of reasons and here are others worried about the lockdown rules. This is not normal

userxx · 24/01/2021 10:45

Why is her dad allowing this to happen under his roof ? And I don't mean because of lockdown 🙄

borntohula · 24/01/2021 10:46

When I was 14, loads of girls in my year were having sex with their (often older) boyfriends. I was allowed to go to my bf's house (though not all night) and we could easily have had sex but we weren't ready. My point being that you're going to have a hard time stopping them from spending time on their own together and certainly if she feels ready to take it further, she's not gonna appreciate a bollocking for it. Agree with pp that contraception should be sorted and also agree with one pp, lockdown won't realistically keep most people in ltrs apart.

babyyodaxmas · 24/01/2021 10:46

Out of interest who who you be livid with ?
What good would being angry do ?
It wouldn't protect your daughter from pregnancy, STIs or abusive relationships.
The most likely outcome is driving it underground.

sashagabadon · 24/01/2021 10:47

I’d be furious and yes it is underage

user1487194234 · 24/01/2021 10:48

Don’t be angry
Talk to her
Don’t assume she had sex

babyyodaxmas · 24/01/2021 10:48

And the other parent is facilitating it anyway ! A pregnant 14 yo in lockdown, really would be difficult.

SnuggyBuggy · 24/01/2021 10:50

It's not idea obviously but I'd do damage limitation. If she doesn't have a baby at this age or get an untreatable STI she can move past this.

BeautifulandWilfulandDead · 24/01/2021 10:50

I would be furious - but not with your DD, with your ex. This is time for a frank, friendly talk with your daughter and taking action to prevent pregnancy and STDs. And then going absolutely nuclear on your ex.

AKissAndASmile · 24/01/2021 10:52

realistically you can't keep them apart Hmm
Of course she can. This is an underage CHILD.

Hampotsandonions · 24/01/2021 10:52

Op, presumably you have spoken to her dad when you found out what happened? What did he say? Why is he allowing this to happen?

babyyodaxmas · 24/01/2021 10:54

Stopping her going to her Dad's in law I think you might find you can't.

borntohula · 24/01/2021 10:54

@AKissAndASmile

realistically you can't keep them apart Hmm Of course she can. This is an underage CHILD.
Why are you pretending that lots of 14/15yos aren't sexually active?
Seatime · 24/01/2021 10:55

It is creepy, why is a 17 year old interested in a 14yr old? When l was 17, 14 year olds didn't register to me at all, because they are little kids by comparison. Speak to everyone concerned and try to stop it. And contraception, condoms and pill or injection. You don't want to raise another baby do you?

borntohula · 24/01/2021 10:57

@Seatime

It is creepy, why is a 17 year old interested in a 14yr old? When l was 17, 14 year olds didn't register to me at all, because they are little kids by comparison. Speak to everyone concerned and try to stop it. And contraception, condoms and pill or injection. You don't want to raise another baby do you?
I was with an 18yo when I was 16. Don't think there was ever a single comment about the age gap and it was only a year shorter.
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