Daughter slept overnight with older boyfriend

[Lda3]

My daughter is in year 10 (14yrs) she has started seeing a boy in year 12 (17yrs). I met him and he seems a nice lad, doing his A-levels, has a job and we had a indepth conversation about sex, that it isn't going to happen!

Over the weekend my daughter stopped at her dad's, I've found out today she was in the bedroom all weekend with her boyfriend, my 11 year old daughter walked in on them and they were unclothed as far as she saw! I'm also pretty sure from what I can gather that he didn't go home either.

I'm so angry at her, her boyfriend and her dad! What should I do?

It's unlawful carnal knowledge, a criminal offence that carries very real consequences not excluding a potential custodial.

Explain to your daughter, and the boyfriend and your ex, that their choices are incredibly poor and could easily end in tears.

You say the boy is doing his a levels, I'm sure he had a career path in mind? What would an employer think of a conviction for underage sex offences?

Ps: You can go the legal route, if they force you to, because it's illegal to have sex with kids. Why? Because, 14 Yr old kids can't understand the long term consequences of their actions, and they need to be protected from preditors. And by the way, he is not a nice enough lad, not even close!

I would speak to dad and probably go a little ballistic in him. I would speak to daughter and have a frank conversation. I would also speak to boyfriend and let him know the danger he is putting himself in as well concerning the fact that your daughter is very underage and the age gap is too big and in all likelihood he could go on the sex offenders register if they are having sex as she is too young to consent. I would also probably speak to his parents and then they can rain holy fire on their son.

@user1487194234

Don’t be angry Talk to her Don’t assume she had sex

That's terrible advice. Assume she had sex, otherwise she'll turn up pregnant in a fortnight.

@borntohula I think 16 and 18 is really very different to 14 and 17, legally and morally. When I was 17, a 14 year old wouldn’t have even been in my radar.

and when the Dd returns to school ??

Tell your daughter and her boyfriend that he could be charged with statutory rape and end up on the sex offenders’ register.

Do not put her on the pill ffs!!! There are other methods less invasive then being on the pill. I took the pill for 7 years (21-28) and I wish I never did.

[quote MrsElijahMikaelson1]@borntohula I think 16 and 18 is really very different to 14 and 17, legally and morally. When I was 17, a 14 year old wouldn’t have even been in my radar.[/quote]
Nor mine but as I said upthread, it was extremely common amongst the girls I knew to have older boyfriends. At 17, he's a teen himself. Again, I think the main issue is preventing pregnancy.

You need to talk to her dad and explain what was seen by the other daughter. Tell him that he is not to come over at all. Phone the drs and get her the morning after pill AND on a form of contraception ASAP.

OP, why are you OK with your 14 yo child dating 17 yo? Also why are you also surprised they have sex since you are apparently with the relationship? What on earth did you expect to happen? What else 17yo would be interested in?

Why is her father enabling this? So gross. Agree with others tho, get contraception and don't alienate her or push her further away by arguing with her, think the boy is a bit creepy going for a 14 year old so you don't want to push her into the arms of a potentially bad relationship. Don't understand dads like this, mine would have would have produced a loaded shotgun at the mere mention of a boyfriend...

@Iwonder08

OP, why are you OK with your 14 yo child dating 17 yo? Also why are you also surprised they have sex since you are apparently with the relationship? What on earth did you expect to happen? What else 17yo would be interested in?

Were you incapable of enjoying time with other people without sex when you were 17?

@Lda3

You need to speak to Social Services !

This is Against the Law
Your Daughter is being taking advantage of Sexually !

She is not old enough emotionally to be in a sexual Relantship of any Kind !

Your Daughter is emotionally Vulnerable
You Need to Protect Her !
By Getting More Support !

Your Daughter is being Pressured/Coerced /Manipulated into a Sexual kind of Relantship before she is emotionally Ready !

Your daughter is Not Assertive emotionally enough as too emotionally immature

Please Tell your Husband to take This child Safe guarding Issue Really serious and to be on Board with you protecting his daughter too !

Really Alarming !

@borntohula when I was 17 it would never occur to me to 'date' 14 yo and I don't consider it is normal. There is a huge development gap in these 3 years. 17 yo can drive and get married and have sex legally. 14 yo is a minor and legally the boy can go to prison for that.

Get her involved with sexual health services. They know the right questions to ask around consent, capacity and coercion

Assuming this thread is genuine and Op is still engaged with it this is great advice. Your dd won't be in "trouble" and they won't threaten to press charges against her bf. She'll receive sound non judgemental advice.

@Iwonder08 they can do all that but that hardly makes them adults. It's an in-between age. I personally wouldn't have gone for a 14yo at 17 but I really doubt this boy is the predatory, rapey monster some of you want to make him be.

I’d be mad too but take a breath for your DD’s sake. Talk to her Dad, did he realise?? If he did what was he thinking?? (Stay calm - focus on the need fir nature discussion and contraception etc.)

I know you feel she is too young for sex, I would too - but it may be hard to prevent, especially being separated from her father if he takes a different view. Sit her down and talk to her - express your views but listen to her first. Keep in mind they may not have had intercourse so don’t leap to that conclusion.

Once you’ve got the story from her, talk to her with her BF, and his parents. What they are doing is illegal and it’s a big age gap at that age, however it’s not that unusual. If you can’t realistically prevent it, and you are satisfied it’s not coercive, make sure that contraception is being used and build a friendly relationship will all concerned so you can keep an eye on things.

@borntohula

There is hell of a difference btwn you dating a boy of 17yrs and being 16yrs of Age isn't there
16yrs of age the Law Allows you to get married at that Age and you are allowed to have sex too.

Ops daughter situation is Different Totally she is Legally underage as she is still Considered to be a Child which she is !
She is not emotionally mature for this kind of Crap !

Her Boyfriend is Not Nice like what Op says !

He is a Weirdo as interested in under age ones !

Wtf is wrong with your ex
If all your daughter Catches is covid id consider yourselves lucky
And yes I find it a little odd a 17 yr old dating a 14yr old!!!!

Yes it is illegal but it’s also widely prevalent amongst teens. It could be an awful lot worse. I’m sure plenty of those shrieking weirdo age gap etc did similar or worse at that age. As long as there’s no drug or alcohol problems and she’s not disappearing for days with him then you can set boundaries and let them just be teens.

I met him and he seems a nice lad, doing his A-levels, has a job and we had a indepth conversation about sex, that it isn't going to happen!

As someone who had a teenage pregnancy and years later a mum to a teenager, I find that fucking weird.
My dad threatened to kill him definitely didn't have any chats with him.
If in the future dd2 @14 brings home a 17-year-old I'll boot his backside out the door before dh done it.

I would be talking to your dd and ex to find out the full story before going any further. Don't get upset, tell her she has done nothing wrong, you are there to support her.

If it is a recent relationship and she is having sex you need to find out why she is doing this at only 14. Peer pressure, wanting to be popular, thinks it makes her grown up, lack of self esteem, to keep him or has she been pressured into thinking this is normal. It isn't.

She needs to understand she is too young to deal with the grownup emotions and subsequent consequences that come with a sexual relationship at 14 years old.

Get her to the GP/relevant service to discuss starting a sexual relationship, the pill and get checked for STIs if she has had unprotected sex. Tell her where to get free condoms and show her where to go in herself. All part of the grownup part of being in a sexual relationship.

Speak to the bf parents and tell them what is happening and if they really trust a 14 year old to be able to handle contraception and potentially a termination or birth. I have a 17 year old son and I would be having a very long and blunt conversation with him if he was having a sexual relationship with a 14 year old.

14 and 17 is too far apart for a 14 year old, not sure if the police would do anything, but at these ages your dd is in over her head and needs protecting.

As someone who had a teenage pregnancy and years later a mum to a teenager, I find that fucking weird.
My dad threatened to kill him definitely didn't have any chats with him.
I
As someone who didn't have a teenage pregnancy, my parents maintained an open and supportive dialogue with me even when they didn't necessarily agree with my choices. They encouraged me to seek out the family planning services and involved my boyfriend in big family events. I will do the same for my teens (currently aged 14&16)

First of all, this isn't normal. When is this lad turning 18? That will make it even more inappropriate, 15 and 18 is still too much of an age gap.

Second of all, talk to your daughter and try to find out what happened. Does she need the MAP? STD test? I am not sure if I agree with pp to get her on the pill, it doesn't protect against STD's and can easily be forgotten to take regulary at such young age plus I wouldn't be a fan of a young girl still going trough puberty taking hormones every day. If she is sexually active, the best thing in my opinion is to learn to always use a condom.

I would also be livid and having a stern conversation with her father, its completely unacceptable that he has allowed this.
I would also talk to the boys parents, clearly it did not work to talk to the boy himself, I would be asking them how they would like it if their son ended up on the sex offenders list.