Daughter slept overnight with older boyfriend

[Lda3]

My daughter is in year 10 (14yrs) she has started seeing a boy in year 12 (17yrs). I met him and he seems a nice lad, doing his A-levels, has a job and we had a indepth conversation about sex, that it isn't going to happen!

Over the weekend my daughter stopped at her dad's, I've found out today she was in the bedroom all weekend with her boyfriend, my 11 year old daughter walked in on them and they were unclothed as far as she saw! I'm also pretty sure from what I can gather that he didn't go home either.

I'm so angry at her, her boyfriend and her dad! What should I do?

Wtf the dad allowed this? Its usually dads are ott isn't it? Or at least she tried the cricket bat with books under the door trick (I remember an ex by doing this when we was young) but I'd have a chat with her and explain the age of consent. But also she's nearly 15 and pretty normal at that age. Uf also get the implant fitted rather than the pull

@Seatime

It is creepy, why is a 17 year old interested in a 14yr old? When l was 17, 14 year olds didn't register to me at all, because they are little kids by comparison. Speak to everyone concerned and try to stop it. And contraception, condoms and pill or injection. You don't want to raise another baby do you?

Exactly, it’s a big enough age gap for there to be a power imbalance. I would be a lot less concerned if the boy was the same age as her, but the fact is she’s underage.

A visit from the Police will soon put him off.

@babyyodaxmas

Out of interest who who you be livid with ? What good would being angry do ? It wouldn't protect your daughter from pregnancy, STIs or abusive relationships. The most likely outcome is driving it underground.

Quite agree! I have been lucky (only!) in this regard with 14yr old DD - rude, lazy, doing minimum schoolwork but not yet sexually active or even close.

My lovely 65yr old neighbour was having sex with her now husband at 13 (he was 16) - she said some girls are ‘more ready and physically mature than others’ - scary!

But yes, getting angry and moralising will just drive her further away - GP, the pill and open and honest conversations with all involved. Keep talking!

OP your ex sounds like an irresponsible twat, just like mine - I feel your pain 🌸🌼

So your ex knowingly allowed a paedophile to abuse his daughter?!

I have two friend now in their 30s/40s who dated a 17 year old when they were 14 , had sex at 14 and are now married to that person. So it does happen and isn't always damaging.

That said, I wouldn't be happy about it. Some serious conversations need to be had with the father and make sure your kid is using contraception.

OP I don’t want to be nasty; but did you genuinely believe a 17 year old boy wasn’t interested in sex?!

You need to talk to your daughter and your ex and explain to them that what he did (depending on where you’re based) was illegal.

Don’t be at your daughter; she’s probably flattered to get attention from an older boy. Be angry at the pervert boyfriend and her impossibly shit father.

First thing ask her does she need the morning after pill.
You would think her dad would have put his foot down and not allow this.
There is no point in saying NO cause they will sneak about if they already doing it.
Just tell her it is illegal at her age.
Get her on contraception

It's possible the boyfriend was "sneaked" into the house I suppose? I remember letting my boyfriend (as teens) in and tip toeing upstairs because my parents wouldn't allow him in my room. We were sixteen and not having sex, just fumbling around experimenting and smoking pot

It would help if you returned to thread Op so you can be advised further. It really depends on your relationship with her father, and your relationship with your dd, on how you could proceed. Have you found any of the advice useful?

I would speak to the boy’s parents. They need to have a conversation with him about statutory rape. Whilst I am staggered her father allowed it (and if I were his parents I would be furious with him), the potential consequences for the boy are serious.

I have a 17 yr old son ( yr 13) and a 14 yr old daughter. My son thinks his sisters mates are really annoying and immature-infact he goes out of his way to avoid them. His girlfriend is in the same year as him as are all his friends and their girlfriends-I think it's very strange a yr 12 boy is interested in a girl 2 yrs younger than him and I would be actively discouraging anything happening again.

I think some of the reactions here are bit extreme.
However, 14 is below the age of consent, which means that if they have had sex, the boy has committed an offence. The girl's father should not be allowing her to be in a position where this can happen, and I'd have to be wondering how much of this is true - I can't imagine many fathers allowing this to happen under their roof. The boy should know that it is illegal and that as the older one, he is responsible, both legally and morally.
I do think though that from a maturity point of view, there is not much between a 14 year old girl and a 17 year old boy. Some posters are saying that they would not have looked at a 14 year old when they were 17, that is because a 14 year old boy is still really immature, a lot of them still look like a child. A 14 year old girl is often fully developed and does not look like a child, and is physically not a child. There is a big difference. That is not to say that a 14 year old is equipped with the skills and understanding to consent to sex, and of course it is the girl who can end up pregnant.
So, I would speak to your daughter and ask her what actually happened. I would speak to the father and ask him what he thinks was going on. If it then turns out that they were having sex I would speak to the boy's parents and suggest they discuss the legalities with him. I would talk to your daughter about contraception and point out that boyfriend could be prosecuted, and however unfair it may seem to her, end up with a sex conviction.
I don't think it is fair to call him a paedophile as some posters have done, but the fact remains that he is the one he can be prosecuted.

@ParkheadParadise

I met him and he seems a nice lad, doing his A-levels, has a job and we had a indepth conversation about sex, that it isn't going to happen!

As someone who had a teenage pregnancy and years later a mum to a teenager, I find that fucking weird.
My dad threatened to kill him definitely didn't have any chats with him.
If in the future dd2 @14 brings home a 17-year-old I'll boot his backside out the door before dh done it.

Your Dad’s approach didn’t appear to work too well though, so why would you repeat it??

[quote thosetalesofunexpected]@Lda3

You need to speak to Social Services !

This is Against the Law
Your Daughter is being taking advantage of Sexually !

She is not old enough emotionally to be in a sexual Relantship of any Kind !

Your Daughter is emotionally Vulnerable
You Need to Protect Her !
By Getting More Support !

Your Daughter is being Pressured/Coerced /Manipulated into a Sexual kind of Relantship before she is emotionally Ready !

Your daughter is Not Assertive emotionally enough as too emotionally immature

Please Tell your Husband to take This child Safe guarding Issue Really serious and to be on Board with you protecting his daughter too !

Really Alarming ![/quote]
Less alarming that your use of capitals snd exclamation marks

It makes me sick that a 17year old is interested in a 14year old.
When I was 17, 14year olds were like little children to me.

Definitely talk to her calmly and explain the situation, if she won't be open with you, get her to the family planning clinic/GP so she can get non-judgemental advice. The age gap isn't ideal but
if she senses animosity things will be much more difficult. Speaking from experience, one of my DDs was sexually active at 15.

I do this for a living in part so am a bit more au fait with current thinking on this. Yes it's technically ileagal however if it is consensual (U 16s can consent google Gillick competence) it is rare for a prosecution to be brought. He is y12 so the earliest he could be 18 is the 1st of September. So in all likelihood a young 17.
As I said upthread I would suggest getting sexual health services involved, who will asess whether or not this is a child protection issue or not.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

There are also the issues around her younger sister walking in on them naked and that would need some discussion with both your ex and her that she is being exposed to that-that would trigger a safe guarding referral in itself-how young is she?

Definitely speak to the boys parents. Agree about the power imbalance.

I have sons. If one of them did this I would be furious and terrified for them. It’s not acceptable at all. There is a reason it’s illegal. I know people prosecuted for statutory rape in my work. It’s no joke.
Honestly I’m not sure what I would do in your shoes. Probably some version of calm myself down to speak DD, go ballistic at dad and ringing bf’s parents to explain that it’s illegal and he needs to not do this in as non threatening but actually a little bit threatening way as possible.

Personally I would involve any statutory services. That would probably cause more harm than good. Imagine loosing your virginity in what you consider a good relationship and embarrassingly mum finds out and then she has rung SS I’m not sure your relationship would recover. I’d only do that as a last resort.

^ wouldn’t

Let’s not romanticise it-she’s 14, her younger sister caught her naked with her 17 year old boyfriend. I would not care if she’s embarrassed-if she thinks she’s old enough to have sex then she’s old enough to have a frank discussion about it. Her sister has been exposed to this. The boyfriend is at best an idiot. Her father is seriously misguided and lacking in parenting skills. I would also be talking to the boyfriends parents-I would be giving my son short shrift for this kind of behaviour if he was mine-he could end up on the sex offenders register for life and his life fucked forever.