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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How lenient on teenagers looks?

72 replies

Blendiful · 20/12/2020 17:56

Just wondered what the general consensus is on how lenient you are about your teens looks?

My daughter has quite a unique style which is fine by me, she is not a makeup wearing fashion following teen at all, she wears a bit occasionally and wears more hippy style fashion.

She has wild curly hair which she refuses to straighten as she loves her curls. It was blonde but she wanted to dye it an auburny colour. In lockdown I allowed this as couldn’t get highlights and naturally it’s a ‘dirty blonde’ which she didn’t like. She prefers her dark hair so has kept it. Fine by me it’s her hair. She wants a different cut now, like mullet/shag style. I’ve told her I don’t mind her having it a bit but have a limitation as i don’t want it to look too retro and also I think she will want to be able to tie it up, so we’ve compromised in the middle, she listens and we compromise so that’s fine by me. She respects I have a say and I’m willing to let her experiment within limits, with the knowledge of when I’m not paying and she no longer needs permission she will do as she pleases and that’s fine, her decision to make then.

She wants a piercing now in her nose. Again I’m happy for her to have this, she said about the septum and I said no, but top of the nose ok, as that’ll heal fairly discreetly if she decides she no longer likes it, and it’s discreet enough for school. Again when she’s 18 if she chooses then to have her septum, that’s up to her at that point.

Now my ex doesn’t agree, wants her to stay blonde, will not agree with the nose piercing etc. Hates what she wears and tells her so and it bugs me, so I wondered what everyone else does. In my opinion she has her own style and I want to promote her being who she is, within some limits and also within things that are ok for school etc.

OP posts:
BreadSaucery · 20/12/2020 17:59

I have 2 rules. 1) you are clean 2) nothing that will cause exclusion/isolation from school.
Everything else is ok, no matter what I think of the Look.

Wbeezer · 20/12/2020 18:00

I'm with you, compromised and gritted my teeth not to be rude about particularly challenging looks. Luckily DH was a bit of a fashion experimenter in the 80s so he can't say anything!

Squeejit · 20/12/2020 18:03

How old is she? I let my teens do what they want with their style.

PegasusReturns · 20/12/2020 18:04

Yep we also do the clean and nothing that will cause exclusion rules.

DD is 16 and her girls school is quite lenient with style (multiple earrings and nose piercings are ok).

I’ve cautioned her about a nose piercing as she has sensitive skin and healing can be an issue, but hair, clothes & makeup are her decision.

DailyPotion · 20/12/2020 18:05

Yes, I think by teenage years, it's up to her, provided it's not going to cause trouble at school.

C0NNIE · 20/12/2020 18:06

I let mine do what they want on hair and clothes but not on tats and piercings ( fortunately none of them have wanted anything except ears pierced and they waited until 18).

IDontMindMarmite · 20/12/2020 18:07

Why do you get a say with hair style?

WunWun · 20/12/2020 18:08

I don't think it's anything to do with you.

DrWAnkenstein · 20/12/2020 18:11

I would be like you. Let her do as she wants as long as it isn't too extreme and try to guide/have rational discussions if you don't agree.
I've told mine if she wants piercings, tattoos etc I'll support her when she's old enough and make sure she goes somewhere reputable.

Superstardjs · 20/12/2020 18:11

Mine pleases herself as long as it is within school rules, though tattoos are not an option while she is underage. She is very alternative which I love, so I am happy to support whatever she does, as I think she looks great.

IHaveBrilloHair · 20/12/2020 18:15

I haven't seen Dd's natural hair colour since she was about 12, and her piercings are probably in the 20's, she also has many tattoos.
She's 19 and doing very well in life.

Regularsizedrudy · 20/12/2020 18:15

You realise a septum piercing is completely invisible when taken out/flipped up ...misses point of thread

ZadieZadie · 20/12/2020 18:16

You sound immensely judgemental about her hair. So what if she 'refuses' to straighten it?

LordyLordyLord · 20/12/2020 18:17

The most important information you left out...how old is she?!

TwnklTwnklLittleStarfighter · 20/12/2020 18:19

I think your ex sounds a bit controlling

Smallsteps88 · 20/12/2020 18:20

You sound really controlling about her hair!!

Original poster
Blendiful · 20/12/2020 18:27

She’s 14.5

Hairstyle I’m happy for her to change but much like clothes she tends to see a photo of someone and go ‘I want that!’ Then when she actually tries it, or buys it, doesn’t like it on her. I think this particular hairstyle would be the same, so my advice to her is to do it ‘partially’ see how it looks and go from there, she can always have it more how she wants each time but do it gradual rather than a drastic change. Plus it’s a family member who cuts her hair who I know wouldn’t be comfortable with the style she’s picked whole hog first time for the same reasons as me, so it’s a compromise, she’s happy with that and what we discussed. So it’s not an issue, the issue is her dad who wants her to have ‘princess hair’ which she is would hate.

Glad to see I’m not way off the mark.

As for refuses to straighten it, that was meant as a compliment, I love her wild curly hair, and the fact she refuses to straighten it. So it wasn’t a judgement, just been misread. Her dad again however would prefer her to straighten it and dye it back blonde.

Septum piercings I personally don’t like but if she wanted it when old enough, fair enough she can. School rules ban it at the minute so she couldn’t have it anyway. Same with none natural hair colours. She’s had bright pink, and half pink and purple hair in the holidays before though.

I like to guide her if it’s not something I think will look good or be practical or I know will be very painful or irreversible. But again when she’s old enough she’ll do as she pleases anyway which I know.

Just know I’m going to have a battle on my hands about the piercing from her dad.

OP posts:
lockeddownandcrazy · 20/12/2020 18:28

Whatever you like as long as you dont smell - but you have to take the consequences around school/jobs etc

berrygirlie · 20/12/2020 18:31

Her dad sounds controlling. If it's not permanent or harmful, let her do what she wants - it's her body after all.

Makingnumber2 · 20/12/2020 18:31

Will the school definitely allow a nose piercing? Most schools have a total ban on any facial piercings and many won't/don't accept a plastic clear stud or plaster over top of piercing. My school doesn't and she would be in isolation until it was removed- might be worth double checking the policy.

WitchFindersAreEverywhere · 20/12/2020 18:36

@BreadSaucery

I have 2 rules. 1) you are clean 2) nothing that will cause exclusion/isolation from school. Everything else is ok, no matter what I think of the Look.
Yes. These are exactly the rules I set for mine. I’m 60. My father insisted girls wear dresses and skirts of an appropriate length and hair had to at least touch the shoulders. No hair colours. So you can guess how well that went down as a teen.
lazylinguist · 20/12/2020 18:38

I wouldn't allow the nose piercing because of school. I don't understand why her dad wants her to straighten her hair. Why on earth should everyone have straight hair? Confused If he had a son with curly hair, would he expect him to straighten it too? I somehow doubt it.

Original poster
Blendiful · 20/12/2020 18:41

Her dad is very controlling about how she looks in general. She isnt a dress/skirt girl but he insists on buying her dresses, she never wears them.

She currently hates going as the constant topic of conversation is about how she looks and it drives her mad.

I will double check the school policy but I think it’s ok as long as it’s a small stud. If I’m wrong she won’t be able to have it, and will have to wait until either the summer when it’ll heal enough to take out for school, or until she leaves.

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 20/12/2020 18:42

she tends to see a photo of someone and go ‘I want that!’ Then when she actually tries it, or buys it, doesn’t like it on her.

So? Confused it’s hardly of great consequence if she doesn’t like it. It grows back. Teenage years are when they get to experiment and find out who they are.

Plus it’s a family member who cuts her hair who I know wouldn’t be comfortable with the style she’s picked whole hog first time

So she can go to a different stylist.

berrygirlie · 20/12/2020 18:43

It's hair, it grows quickly and mullets are all the rage right now.

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