How lenient on teenagers looks?

[Blendiful]

Just wondered what the general consensus is on how lenient you are about your teens looks?

My daughter has quite a unique style which is fine by me, she is not a makeup wearing fashion following teen at all, she wears a bit occasionally and wears more hippy style fashion.

She has wild curly hair which she refuses to straighten as she loves her curls. It was blonde but she wanted to dye it an auburny colour. In lockdown I allowed this as couldn’t get highlights and naturally it’s a ‘dirty blonde’ which she didn’t like. She prefers her dark hair so has kept it. Fine by me it’s her hair. She wants a different cut now, like mullet/shag style. I’ve told her I don’t mind her having it a bit but have a limitation as i don’t want it to look too retro and also I think she will want to be able to tie it up, so we’ve compromised in the middle, she listens and we compromise so that’s fine by me. She respects I have a say and I’m willing to let her experiment within limits, with the knowledge of when I’m not paying and she no longer needs permission she will do as she pleases and that’s fine, her decision to make then.

She wants a piercing now in her nose. Again I’m happy for her to have this, she said about the septum and I said no, but top of the nose ok, as that’ll heal fairly discreetly if she decides she no longer likes it, and it’s discreet enough for school. Again when she’s 18 if she chooses then to have her septum, that’s up to her at that point.

Now my ex doesn’t agree, wants her to stay blonde, will not agree with the nose piercing etc. Hates what she wears and tells her so and it bugs me, so I wondered what everyone else does. In my opinion she has her own style and I want to promote her being who she is, within some limits and also within things that are ok for school etc.

I agree with no piercings other than earlobes until 16. The place where DD2 had hers done insisted on proof of age, she brought her passport.

berrygirlie they are very cool. They've had it so tough, their dad turned into an abusive alcoholic when they were early teens and they have had a lot of heartache and therapy, but we're totally coming out of it now. They're both very academic - DD2 has had offers from both her top course preferences within days of submitting her UCAS.

@berriegirle
Exactly, it led to some interesting conversations with school management

So many people forget they are not pupils subject to teachers rules as parents, but service users entitled to legal provisions

I find it strange that her dad wants her to straighten her hair! My dad wasn't really involved in my life as a teen but if he was I couldn't imagine him having any strong feelings on whether I straightened my hair or not. I'd have thought most parents would prefer their DC to remain as 'natural' as possible. Ghds were just getting popular when I was in my teens but a lot of girls didn't straighten their hair and it wasn't a big deal.

Sorry I know that wasn't the focus of your post, but it stuck out to me!

My dd isn't a teen yet, so maybe I'm wrong but I think I'd try to steer her away from choices she might regret, but mostly it should be up to her. I think I'd be quite relieved if she wasn't into heavy make up etc. The mullet thing doesn't sound like a big deal to me, though going for a middle ground sounds sensible if you think she'd really hate it. It will grow back either way though so if she's still dead set on it, I personally wouldn't stop her.

Oh with piercings other than ears I'd probably prefer her to wait until she's 16 - I had a lot of piercings done myself though nothing on my face, and most except my ears and bellybutton were done when I was 18+. All of mine are taken out now and it's not caused any issues.

Tattoos I'd want her to wait until she was 18 or shown she'd settled on the idea for a long period of time and was quite certain. I may be delusional here, my DD is only 6.

I went through a stage of wanting a tattoo when I was about 16, and my mum actually took me to get one but the shop was shut that day (maybe that was her plan all along). Anyway I lost interest in the idea and I am kind of pleased as an adult that I don't have any, but I don't think it would have been a major regret if I had (as long as I'd not got a giant penis tattooed on my face or something ridiculous).

Piercings I understand why you’d want her to wait as they require careful after care abs are potentially forever. I’d let her get whatever hair cut she wants though, her tastes might be different to yours and the teen years are for experimenting! It all grows back anyway

Another with the same rules as @BreadSaucery. Dc 19 and 17.
Between the pair I think they've experimented with every look going. We've always talked about the fact anything permanent and difficult to reverse/ hide needs to be a decision they can live with forever, eg if their tastes change, certain careers in the future etc. And so far that seems to have worked for more extreme changes. And possibly because we've always been relaxed and supportive about anything else so they have nothing to rebel against.
Like a pp, I also don't understand why you'd be against a septum piercing when they aren't visible with just a retainer in. Indeed, they are the obvious first choice for a piercing in term time that still conforms to school rules.

My mother frowned upon everything I did when I was a teenager and always had that face on her, like she had sucked a lemon. I remember how awful it made me feel and I made sure my own children chose their own style.
As they are both in their 20s now, the only thing I have lectured them a bit on is tattoos but this is more to do with choosing carefully about what they have as it's there forever.

Under 16 Belly buttons and ears, fine, noses/eyebrows etc, wait until you can go on your own, tongues no on health grounds

There was a thread a few weeks back in S&B where the OP was asking about haircuts for curly.hair, and a poster posted a pic of her curly haired shag- it was unbelievably cool
Sadly I cannot think of either posters' name...but if they see this they can post!
Seriously, it was amazing.

Teenage years are about the only time in our lives we have the freedom to experiment and anything goes. (Non-permanent, and provided they won't get in trouble at school, but after school, it's fine.)

Would be interested in seeing the curly shag haircut photo.

She’s found some she likes which I think look ok so that’s what she’s going to go with, and try and leave it long enough to tie up, as she often shoves it up when she can’t be bothered with it, so think that it’s a good idea to have it a little longer for that reason.

I think she’d look pretty cool and love the fact she embraces her curls and doesn’t want to straighten them out.

Her dad is mainly obsessed with the colour, he’s determined that she should keep her hair blonde, but she doesn’t want to and that really doesn’t bother me at all, as long as the colours she picks comply with school rules that’s fine, and any other colours can wait until the holidays.

@BreadSaucery

I have 2 rules. 1) you are clean 2) nothing that will cause exclusion/isolation from school. Everything else is ok, no matter what I think of the Look.

This, 100%.

I can answer this one - I have no choice cos she’s 18 and does what she wants, but it prob all started around 3 years ago w the change of style of clothes and now progressed into sort of emo/punk/alternative style w septum piercing (is at uni, she wouldn’t have been allowed it at school, only nose studs allowed in sixth form) and hair having been through many dyed colours and various cuts (it’s curly and light brown naturally).
Some of her choices are dubious (like she’s fallen into a box in a charity shop) and some I like. She asks me for opinions so I give them, otherwise I stfu.
She’d look much better w her natural hair and more mainstream clothes but it’s her life now (as I keep telling myself) and her choices. Obv if we need to go somewhere where she needs to dress more conservatively then we have that conversation!!

A septum piecing is more discreet when healed than the top of the nose IMO.

I find it really weird her dad wants her to straighten her hair and have it blonde. Like he wants to force her to be the stereotypical early 2000s hyper-feminine woman. Like what he finds attractive on a woman?

So weird and outdated. Let her live her life within reason.

You are right to guide her.

His view is very outdated. He would hate it if when she is old enough to do as pleases she chooses to look any other way than ‘normal’ ( as in what he considers normal, mainstream) he simply won’t accept she has different likes.

He goes as far as to say she will ‘definitely’ dye her hair back blonde and regret changing it, and wear girly clothes etc etc. And she may, she also may not I don’t care either way.

He will be mortified if she is anything other than mainstream. She also told me earlier in the year she thought she liked girls more than boys, she had a girlfriend. That’s come to an end now, and I’m not sure if she still feels the same or not, I haven’t asked, but what she does know is I love her no matter what and whoever she loves or likes is fine by me. She absolutely refused to tell her dad, and I know exactly why and exactly what his reaction would be.

To be honest he was the same with me when together, he hated me wearing anything out of the ‘norm’ or fashion and I dyed my hair too at times from blonde and he openly said he hated it. He didn’t want me to have any piercings or anything either. I guess that’s why he is now an ex.

He is very much a sheep and follows whatever anyone does and whatever the latest trend or style is and makes no decisions of his own or anything out of the box. He hates that our daughter is more like me. Unfortunately our other child is more like him and it’s already landed him in trouble trying to fit in and follow others and what they are doing. That worries me more! But he thinks that’s absolutely fine!

The mind boggles!

He’s sounds like a right cunt

I think she sounds really cool op. Your ex sounds like a twat.

Glad you clarified on the “refusing to straighten” comment.

Her dad is super control and teaching her that her looks are to please men, so wrong. If her wants her to have blonde hair then fuck him, she can do what she wants,

I let my DD get on with it, as long it doesn't cause problems for school.

My dd is 12 and asking for green hair! So I don't know where we will end up with this

DD waits for the beginning of the summer holidays for massive hair colour changes to maximize the time, as it needs to be dyed back to a 'normal' colour for September.

Mine have been allowed to do what they want with hair, piercings etc as long as ok with school. One DD got several tattoos as soon as she was 18, I’m not over keen but it’s her body! a friend of mine is super strict about tattoos, literally believes it’s the worst thing a teen could possibly do 🤷🏼‍♀️