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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How lenient on teenagers looks?

72 replies

Blendiful · 20/12/2020 17:56

Just wondered what the general consensus is on how lenient you are about your teens looks?

My daughter has quite a unique style which is fine by me, she is not a makeup wearing fashion following teen at all, she wears a bit occasionally and wears more hippy style fashion.

She has wild curly hair which she refuses to straighten as she loves her curls. It was blonde but she wanted to dye it an auburny colour. In lockdown I allowed this as couldn’t get highlights and naturally it’s a ‘dirty blonde’ which she didn’t like. She prefers her dark hair so has kept it. Fine by me it’s her hair. She wants a different cut now, like mullet/shag style. I’ve told her I don’t mind her having it a bit but have a limitation as i don’t want it to look too retro and also I think she will want to be able to tie it up, so we’ve compromised in the middle, she listens and we compromise so that’s fine by me. She respects I have a say and I’m willing to let her experiment within limits, with the knowledge of when I’m not paying and she no longer needs permission she will do as she pleases and that’s fine, her decision to make then.

She wants a piercing now in her nose. Again I’m happy for her to have this, she said about the septum and I said no, but top of the nose ok, as that’ll heal fairly discreetly if she decides she no longer likes it, and it’s discreet enough for school. Again when she’s 18 if she chooses then to have her septum, that’s up to her at that point.

Now my ex doesn’t agree, wants her to stay blonde, will not agree with the nose piercing etc. Hates what she wears and tells her so and it bugs me, so I wondered what everyone else does. In my opinion she has her own style and I want to promote her being who she is, within some limits and also within things that are ok for school etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blendiful · 20/12/2020 18:46

She doesn’t want to go to another stylist. If she insisted, she would have it, but we talked it over and she’s happy to do it gradually to see if she likes it and agreed this is a better idea. So it’s not an issue for that, or something we are butting heads over. I gave her my opinion/advice and she took it, she’s free not to, and make her own mistakes as she has done before, she’s just chosen this time to try it this way.

OP posts:

Sexnotgender · 20/12/2020 18:46

@berrygirlie

It's hair, it grows quickly and mullets are all the rage right now.

True but curly hair is a bugger to grow out.

My daughter is 17 shortly and I let her experiment within reason.

xmasfairybuns · 20/12/2020 18:47

@BreadSaucery

I have 2 rules. 1) you are clean 2) nothing that will cause exclusion/isolation from school. Everything else is ok, no matter what I think of the Look.

We do this too.

berrygirlie · 20/12/2020 18:48

I just think if you want to experiment, now's the time to do it. But I have constantly shifting and sometimes drastic changes of appearance and I think I'll probably instil that freedom in my kids. Even if it looks a bit ugly, so does most of your teenage years @Sexnotgender

JohnMcClane · 20/12/2020 18:49

I think her dad wanting her to straighten and bleach her hair is down to him not understanding how time consuming and damaging corraling perfectly lovey hair to look like everyone else is. Personally I much prefer curly hair in its natural state and its much easier to maintain.

I'd be a bit concerned that a curly mullet would look a bit Harry Enfield Scousers, but teen years are all about experimentation and hair soon grows out

GlowingOrb · 20/12/2020 18:51

Clean and weather appropriate.
Certain things like weddings and funerals require respectful attire.
I won’t sign a consent for piercings or tattoos, those have to wait until she is old enough to get them independently.

Otherwise, it’s none of my business what she wears or how she styles her hair. I’ve taken this approach since she was old enough to have an opinion. If she wanted a radical hair cut I would ask her to wait a few weeks just to be sure she doesn’t change her mind.

gypsywater · 20/12/2020 18:53

I would have thought it was SO weird at 14.5 for my DAD to be buying me dresses! WTAF?! So fucking weird.

ArrowsOfMistletoe · 20/12/2020 18:53

I'm with you on this. Your ex is an idiot who has read the 'How To Alienate Your Daughter And Ensure She Never Speaks To You Again' manual.

DD1 has had her hair dyed black from age 15 or thereabouts, went full Goth the moment she hit 6th form (no uniform or 'business dress' nonsense there). She's almost 20 now, about to get her first tattoo, at uni and doing well.

DD2 is almost 18 and has a No. 5 all over, dyed dark blue. We've had pink as well - she's experimenting. She's just had second holes done in her lobes and her helix pierced. She dresses like something out of the '90s, it's butch and very pulled together. And yes, she's gay.

My rule has always been 'if it's clean and allowed at school, it's fine'.
I love that they're confident and not fashion victims. Also they tend to wear stuff sourced from charity shops or ethical sources, so no fast fashion.

Smallsteps88 · 20/12/2020 18:55

Her dad sounds creepy

berrygirlie · 20/12/2020 18:56

Your daughters sound really cool, @ArrowsOfMistletoe, you must be proud. I had a 5 on top and 3 on the sides when I was about 12, it looked awesome

Glitterinthegrey · 20/12/2020 18:57

My DD16 had her nose pierced when she was 14. She had her daith (I think) pierced just after her 16th birthday (since she can now go by herself, I can't stop her, but I wouldn't anyway). She'd have loads more piercings by now if it weren't for lockdown. She had an undercut done on her hair when she was 15, and it has been a variety of colours, none of them natural, in the last year. She tends towards baggy clothing and DMs, wears a bit of makeup but very little, and likes to look fairly androgynous. As long as she is happy and secure, and doesn't do anything that could actually harm her, I don't give two hoots: it's her hair and body, not mine.

Kakiweewee · 20/12/2020 19:03

I want them to have well fitting clothes and be clean. I won't allow tattoos or major piercings before 16/18.

Youngest is goth and gender neutral/possibly trans and wears a very eclectic style with lots of makeup, he also enjoys cos-playing. I've not allowed contacts because I don't believe they're hygienic enough to use them properly, but that's about it. If he wants to go out dressed as an anime character when we go shopping, I don't mind.

We've discussed the possibility of a septum piercing in the future, but I've said they would have to show good hygiene and such before it would ever happen. I would also have to be present to ensure the piercer is hygienic and they get it done properly. I don't foresee that happening for a while though as they're only twelve.

They'd like to dye their hair, but I can't persuade their dad this is okay. He wouldn't even let him get it cut from super long to short because he'd get bullied and he's a girl and gender fluidity/transgender isn't a thing apparently. That got him hair that was cut in secret and not done by a professional.

I'm of the belief that you should support them when it comes to discovering themselves and how they wish to express themselves, so only body modifying is really out here.

Original poster

Blendiful · 20/12/2020 19:09

That’s my thought too, that they will do it anyway at some point/somehow. I’m happy she’s speaking to me about it and asks and is willing to discuss and listen to my opinion.

Her dad is another ball game and I agree about the alienating thing. He’s doing a good job of that.

OP posts:

itsoffical · 20/12/2020 19:12

You don't get to choose her hair style for her, I'm shocked by this!

IHaveBrilloHair · 20/12/2020 19:13

I took Dd to get her tongue pierced, age 15, its such a small thing in the grand scheme of things, she's had another piercing in it since.

Love51 · 20/12/2020 19:23

Mine aren't that age yet but I seem to have another rule, that you can only have piercing I'm satisfied you will take care of it. Hairstyles etc, meh.

Echobelly · 20/12/2020 19:25

My kids aren't there yet, but my only rule will be 'nothing that they'll send you home from school for', nothing else matters.

You have to pick your battles and generally, appearance isn't one worth having... NB, I would have said septum is a really good discreet piercing - I had one for just that reason - you wear an invisible 'keeper', as I did at work and when needing to look respectable, and poppead the ring in when I didn't have to

Kakiweewee · 20/12/2020 19:27

It's a small thing if they are able to look after it properly. I'm fairly sure of my judgement that he's not able to do aftercare properly yet, ergo no piercings, but I'm 100% happy to go back on that decision when they show they can.

I would have to go against his dad to do so though, so that's another consideration. Do I support him to express himself and piss off dad? Or not and risk him going out and getting it done by someone dodgy?

When he cut off all his hair, I had a fine line to balance between wanting to say fuck your dad he's being awful, but you probably shouldn't lie or hide that from him, and being happy they were finally happy with their hair. It was awkward.

MrsPnut · 20/12/2020 19:32

Mine is she must be hygienic, not break the school rules, be able to play sports and no piercings until she is in 6th form.
She has never wanted her ears pierced and is quite conforming in a nerdy way. I have offered hair dying but she isn’t really bothered any more, she did have mermaid hair when she was about 10 over the summer holidays.

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 20/12/2020 19:33

Her dad needs to get some boundaries, she’s not an object to be visually pleasing to him

DramaAlpaca · 20/12/2020 19:34

With teenagers it's all about picking your battles, especially with how they want to express their style. There are plenty of more serious things you're going to have to deal with over the next few years.

I totally agree with @BreadSaucery's approach, which is what I did too.

ithinkyouareveryrude · 20/12/2020 19:35

@BreadSaucery

I have 2 rules. 1) you are clean 2) nothing that will cause exclusion/isolation from school. Everything else is ok, no matter what I think of the Look.

This.

EBathory · 20/12/2020 19:35

Why are you all so compliant with school rules?

If we opt into the system the LA legally have to provide an education for children.

Stop giving these organisations powers they should not have.

EBathory · 20/12/2020 19:37

Would you dress a certain way or have you hair a in a prescribed style for NHS care?

berrygirlie · 20/12/2020 19:39

Yeah I think if my child really wanted a certain look (providing it wasn't actually offensive, e.g. racially insensitive for example) then I wouldn't let the schooling system control that. Why do they get to decide what's appropriate? @EBathory

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