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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Dd (12)is very controlling

56 replies

malificent7 · 07/12/2020 06:16

Firstly over my fashion. If she is coming out with me for the say she will get very funny about what I wear. If it something she deems " embarassing" she will refuse to comed out unless i change.
Likewise if we are going to a restaraunt she will normally try to persuade us to go to one where she wants to go.
We are moving house...she keeps sending me pictures of houses she wants to move into and says she hates my style of decor and wants to choose hiw it looks.
Now, it is easy to say ignore and i normally do bit she is a very domineering character snd can ruin a day out with her demands. I have repeatedly told her that the adults make the decisions but she drones on and on...how do i get her to ease up?
Her real dad is absent and her stepdad is very loving , patient and kind although she is very mean about him. Eg...she will moan about him to me but is wuite happy to spend his mum's inheritance on a house she wants.
Of course we say no but it is her demanding manner...ebtitled. I am amazed dp is still with me tbh. If his dd acted like this i'd be long gone. I cannot change personality though.

OP posts:

reefedsail · 07/12/2020 06:23

Make her phone/ tech/ allowance etc contingent on not trying to make decisions for anybody else.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/12/2020 06:25

I have repeatedly told her that the adults make the decisions but she drones on and on...how do i get her to ease up?

Consequences.

BefuddledPerson · 07/12/2020 06:28

I would do three things a) try to get to the bottom of why, b) minimise as much as possible so when she says something about your clothes say 'haha nice try, but your choice is put up with my clothes or stay home alone' and c) give her things she can choose so maybe choose restaurants in turn.

Do you have any idea why she's insecure? Do you have other children too?

Sawyersfishbiscuits · 07/12/2020 06:29

Allowing her to be part of the discussions but being adamant that you have the final say might help. She's growing up and trying to assert herself but is still at the bratty teenage age where that can easily descend into teen strops.
Give her things that don't matter that she can decide on - you can decide on decor for your room and you give me some 'ideas' for the bathroom. Or we'll eat at your choice this time and my choice next time. She doesn't get to choose what you wear though! 😆 At least yours will leave the house with you!!!

Thighdentitycrisis · 07/12/2020 06:30

I would ignore or remain as bright and breezy as possible, if she doesn’t take any notice
E.g links to houses - you don’t need to do anything about that, ignore.
Doesn’t want to go out with you - she can stay at home
Sorry, though it sounds tedious - hopefully it’s a phase

Moiraknowsbest · 07/12/2020 06:31

"DD I love you but you are developing a very controlling nature which friends will start to find unattractive and you will turn people against you. I'm an adult and will wear what I want so get your coat, we're leaving now.

DP and I are paying for the house. You can choose the decor for your room, we'll choose the rest because we're adults.

We fancy going for an Indian tonight, you can choose next time.

And stop treating my lovely DP like crap. I love you, now go and do your homework, make a mood board for your new room or make me a coffee"

grafittiartist · 07/12/2020 06:32

It does sound quite typical!
Maybe involving her in some decisions that she could help with? Meal planning/ decorating a room would help.
The clothing thing is hard- I get that. I get quite offended too- they don't want to upset us, they just don't think!

Friendsoftheearth · 07/12/2020 06:34

Some 12 year olds do like some control over their lives, and I would spend more time discussing with her why she likes that house over another, rather than closing her down.

Being assertive and knowing what she wants is not a bad thing! So let her talk about her choices etc, compromise on clothes. In terms of interiors she can choose her own room that kind of thing.

If you come down to hard on her, she will become even more rebellious as she gets older. Let her have as many options as you can reasonably accommodate, after that make sure your boundaries are firm.

It is her age, she will grow out of it around 17/18. Lucky you! I have one too, and she is quite a force to be reckoned with. I see it as a quality though, and would rather she was strong and powerful, but we are all different. Embrace who she is.

Porgy · 07/12/2020 06:35

Yup consequences. If she doesn't want to go out with you dressed like that, she doesn't get to go (which is probably what she actually wants!). If she doesn't want to go to the restaurant everyone wants to go to, she doesn't get to go. She's old enough to sit in by herself, losing out and being miserable.

Is she like this with everyone or just you?My 7 YO can be like this and he is draining. He very much wants things his own way. But it is with everyone. He is being assessed for ASD because there are other symptoms. I just don't engage with him on it. If he says he doesn't want to do something, I just say fine and ignore him droning on. We do have to be stubborn and dig our heels in on purpose because the second we dare give into any complaining, it sends the message that it works.

Friendsoftheearth · 07/12/2020 06:37

ALL mothers are embarrassing don't you know, we all have awful fashion sense and 'mum' clothes. Let it wash over you, at least she won't be borrowing your clothes!

Original poster

malificent7 · 07/12/2020 06:40

I think she is on the spectrum ( although very social), is a "popular" and v jealous of her step dad. Thos makes her want control.. we have tried so hard to include her from day 1. You should try taking a phone of her....( hahahaha- not funny!)

OP posts:

Friendsoftheearth · 07/12/2020 06:41

Have you had her tested? Why do you think she is on the spectrum?

billybagpuss · 07/12/2020 06:42

‘Yeah sure you can choose how it looks, how are you planning on paying for it?’

‘Its ok it’s only another 10 years or so until you will get your own place then you get to choose (and pay for) everything.’

Also have you actually had a conversation about how inappropriate her demands are, yes you’re happy to hear her input but once the decision has been made she has to go along with it happily, with consequences if she acts up and ruins everyone’s day.

And absolutely do not change on her say so. Brush it off, if she refuses to come. ‘Ok we’ll stay home and tidy your bedroom instead.

BefuddledPerson · 07/12/2020 06:46

@Friendsoftheearth

Have you had her tested? Why do you think she is on the spectrum?

I was going to ask this too.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 07/12/2020 06:49

Do you indulge it? For example when she refuses to leave do you get changed to keep the peace and get out of the house? My DD had an awful phase at that age (perhaps hormones awakening). We stood our ground, once practically carrying her to the car as we had to leave for a holiday. She's 14 now and the phase passed long ago when she learned she couldn't dictate to us.

BackwardsGoing · 07/12/2020 06:53

You sound unconcerned that your daughter is effectively out of control. If you can't discipline her (e.g. confiscating her phone) at 12 you have huge problems. It might be cute at 12 but at 15 or 17 it could be violent.

If she has asd then you need a diagnosis and different approaches.

You're the parent, woman up!

Friendsoftheearth · 07/12/2020 06:54

we have tried to include her from day 1

That stood out to me. Tried to include her? She was your child a long time before the SD appeared, she is not a bolt on to your life, your relationship with her needs to be a priority. I am not sure if you intended to make it sound like you were just accommodating her - rather than seeing her as part and part of your life, and not a strap on.

She needs to come first op. It is hard being twelve

flowerpotsandrain · 07/12/2020 06:55

If she is on the spectrum, be aware that control stems from anxiety. She may not also understand how her way of communicating affects you and might need to have it explained in a way she will understand. It's ok to share opinions and have control over yourself and contribute to your environment, her opinions are important, but it's not ok to make other people unhappy.

Mamanyt · 07/12/2020 06:56

@reefedsail

Make her phone/ tech/ allowance etc contingent on not trying to make decisions for anybody else.

Yes, this.

And for GOD'S SAKE, follow through with every detail of any disciplinary action! NEVER let "no phone for a day" become "no phone until tonight."

Moiraknowsbest · 07/12/2020 07:05

we have tried to include her from day 1

That stood out to me. Tried to include her? She was your child a long time before the SD appeared, she is not a bolt on to your life, your relationship with her needs to be a priority.

Yes, that stood out for me too. How old was DD when your DP came into your lives?

yearinyearout · 07/12/2020 07:15

It is her age, she will grow out of it around 17/18. Mine didn't! She would still try and run my life for me if I let her get away with it.

IseeIsee · 07/12/2020 07:18

Your language when describing your daughter is odd to me. You talked about how wonderful your DH is and how she just "moans" about him and you are surprised he hasn't left due to her behaviour. You then say you try to include HER in her own family. Just because you think your DH is amazing doesn't mean that she also thinks so and voicing an opinion other than yours isn't a bad thing. This all sounds like typical behaviour of a teenager trying to exert their authority. You can ignore a lot if it.

Roselilly36 · 07/12/2020 07:21

I can see how it will be getting you down OP.

We have two DS’ they are 19 & 17, and we are also in the process of moving. We told them very early on the in process that we would be buying where we liked etc. We appreciate their opinion and obviously wouldn’t buy somewhere they really didn’t like, if it was for a sensible reason. But as they still live at home and have no experience whatsoever of buying property the decision was for DH & I to make.

We are moving for a specific reason, and have found the ideal property that we want to purchase, thankfully they really love it & can’t wait to move.

We also include our DS’ in everything too, but sometimes they need to be reminded who the parent is.

Good luck with your move.

PinkPlantCase · 07/12/2020 07:29

Is she very into social media? This sounds a lot like she’s very concerned about what everything will look like on Instagram. Especially if you say she’s quite popular. It sounds like she’s very anxious to keep up appearances.

I think you need to choose which things to come down hard on and which things to let her have more control over.

For me her asking me to change before going out would be a complete no no. She can’t do that to people.

Equally with the house really focus on the things she can control, her bedroom?

I think the more you get this sorted now the easier your life will be later on.

PinkPlantCase · 07/12/2020 07:31

Also I’d worry about how she is with others at school. Does she tease other people about what they wear if it doesn’t meet her standards?

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