Dd (12)is very controlling

[malificent7]

Firstly over my fashion. If she is coming out with me for the say she will get very funny about what I wear. If it something she deems " embarassing" she will refuse to comed out unless i change.
Likewise if we are going to a restaraunt she will normally try to persuade us to go to one where she wants to go.
We are moving house...she keeps sending me pictures of houses she wants to move into and says she hates my style of decor and wants to choose hiw it looks.
Now, it is easy to say ignore and i normally do bit she is a very domineering character snd can ruin a day out with her demands. I have repeatedly told her that the adults make the decisions but she drones on and on...how do i get her to ease up?
Her real dad is absent and her stepdad is very loving , patient and kind although she is very mean about him. Eg...she will moan about him to me but is wuite happy to spend his mum's inheritance on a house she wants.
Of course we say no but it is her demanding manner...ebtitled. I am amazed dp is still with me tbh. If his dd acted like this i'd be long gone. I cannot change personality though.

Well i gave in yesterday and she chose Frankie and Bennies instead of the high street Italian so its not like she dosn't get an opinion!

In situations like these, I think it might help if she knows why she got to choose. Have a system, like everybody takes a turn. That might make it less stressful for all of you: she doesn't feel she has to keep pushing to get her say, you know when to listen and when not to.

About the clothes- isn't she getting to an age where she herself has more of a choice as to what she wears unless it is too expensive or grossly inappropriate? Can you point this out and remind her that the same freedom applies to other people too?

When it comes to a house, that's a bit trickier because you will alone be responsible for the mortgage, you will have to pay transport costs to get to work/school etc and back there, you will have to do most of any work that needs doing to maintain it. I would explain these things to her and then say you are anxious to involve her in discussions- with the above caveats, and that she will get the freedom to decorate her own room as long as she does the work (a 12yo can paint a wall with a little help).

Lockdown is not an excuse for too much social media at only 12 years old. You describe her as popular. I've worked in secondaries for years, and popular is just a code name for shallow, mean and image obsessed. I'm sad to hear it rubs off onto family members and not just other students. The gamer students who spend a lot of time on screens don't act like this, no. They often have other screen addiction related issues, but they don't project it on to other people like the designer label conscious/Snapchat/Instagram/Tik-Tok crowd. If you want it to stop you need to take her off these things until she is more mature and empathic.

I was like this. It felt horrible, I was horrible and looking back it was all terrible insecurity and also a controlling DM which meant I really struggled in other ways to get my own control /independence. Parents (esp DM) also very judgemental of others, which I think then came out in me being very worried about what others think and placing a huge amount of importance on this. I also had very odd and inconsistent boundaries, coupled with major mood swings from her meaning I never knew what was ok or not or where I stood. I unfortunately had no respect for DM.

Don’t get me wrong I didn’t want for anything and was very loved. But maybe think about how you are behaving and the impact it could be having.

I still struggle with these things now in my 30s.

@LindaEllen
The problem isn't having an opinion, the problem is being a bratty little madam about it, and believing that her opinion is the be all and end all.

Yes but I view that as a separate problem which many teenagers exhibit as a phase they go through. They think they are just being confident and decisive but come across as arrogant and rude. I tend to address the brattiness by saying, and teaching here is how you can communicate your opinion better. Sometimes just saying “would you speak to your friends this way or with that tone?” Is enough to get them to rephrase their opinion and/or request better. Meanwhile, I then look at the content of their opinion/request and reflect on its merits separate from the bratty or nice way it may have been presented to me. I don’t reject or ignore a teenage opinion/request purely because they’ve communicated it poorly.

Why shouldn’t she be involved in a house choice. She’s part of the family

Because 12 year olds can't get a mortgage. Honestly, just give over with the cool mum nonsense!

It's a phase. All of mine have done it.
Top tip is do not embarrass them (you might have to be careful about breathing).
Seriously, as long as you don't embarrass them the rest they will only huff about.