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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd (12)is very controlling

56 replies

malificent7 · 07/12/2020 06:16

Firstly over my fashion. If she is coming out with me for the say she will get very funny about what I wear. If it something she deems " embarassing" she will refuse to comed out unless i change.
Likewise if we are going to a restaraunt she will normally try to persuade us to go to one where she wants to go.
We are moving house...she keeps sending me pictures of houses she wants to move into and says she hates my style of decor and wants to choose hiw it looks.
Now, it is easy to say ignore and i normally do bit she is a very domineering character snd can ruin a day out with her demands. I have repeatedly told her that the adults make the decisions but she drones on and on...how do i get her to ease up?
Her real dad is absent and her stepdad is very loving , patient and kind although she is very mean about him. Eg...she will moan about him to me but is wuite happy to spend his mum's inheritance on a house she wants.
Of course we say no but it is her demanding manner...ebtitled. I am amazed dp is still with me tbh. If his dd acted like this i'd be long gone. I cannot change personality though.

OP posts:
movingonup20 · 07/12/2020 07:33

You need to stand your ground when needed but also puck and choose your battles eg with the house say whilst you will be deciding she can decorate her room and help decorate the house more generally on the understanding there's a fixed budget and you have a veto. (Perhaps interior design is a future career) With eating out I would suggest giving 2 or 3 options rather than letter her choose anything, gives her some power (I suspect this is the root cause, her dad left, she has a step dad and she didn't get to choose). As for clothes, she's not alone, just more determined!

Original poster
malificent7 · 07/12/2020 07:50

I DO stand my ground when it comes to all of the above but i dont punish her for having an opinion by removing tech. I have told her that i make the big financial decisions etc etc. Dosn't stop her banging on about it.

I know it sounds odd when I say we try to include her. I met dp age 7. He is the love of my life ( in a romantic/ friendship sense although obvsdd is my numbet 1 which i tell her continuously.)

From the start i have tried to make dd feel not pushed out by my relationship. Lots of attention, 1: 1 time etc.She was clearly pissed off that she had to share mummy but that is life. I am not going to give up my life partner for my child aswell as my sense of fashion, home etc.

When dp realised how upset dd was at sharing me he had a talk with her and told her he wasnt trying to take me away from her, how he didn't want to replace her dad but he would be there if she needed him. She had screaming fits occassionally...thought about splitting up to help her but is that what she should learn...that screaming gets your own way and you should hold your mum hostsge and not share her? I mean how would she cope witg a sibling...not well i suspect. I wont have another as im scared by her behaviour.

I think she has been damaged by her father's absence. Never met him...lives abroad. He does comminicate by email etc.

Personality plays a large part..... she wants to be a lawyer...she would be an amazing lawyer and admitted to us that she is stubborn and manipulative.

And i do think she is a mean girl to those girls who are not as grown up as her ( step sis included).

OP posts:
Tomorrowisanotherdayyouknow · 07/12/2020 08:06

@malificent7

You say she is more grown up that other children. I disagree, emotionally she is very young. To me she comes over as a scared child that needs to control everything in her life to feel safe. Traumatised children present as controlling. They have to control everything in their life because they do not feel secure or have a secured attachment base. She is still young in age and younger emotionally.

Read the book 'The A-Z of therapeutic parenting' lots of tips

PinkPlantCase · 07/12/2020 08:17

Bit worrying that she knows she’s manipulative on purpose Confused

corythatwas · 07/12/2020 08:24

My ds went through a phase around 10-12 when he was very negative about everything, tried to control us, embarrassed by us. We got through it by laughing and standing our ground without showing any upset. There was no corresponding attempt to control his mates- if anything, a lot of the insecurity stemmed from a fear of not being accepted by his mates. With restaurants we'd take it in turns to choose. With the house, we let him decorate his room (and do most of the work!) but we wouldn't have let him choose a whole house. With holidays we discussed them as a family, though we made the final decision.
We put it down partly to preteen hormones, partly to some pretty traumatising things that had happened. He grew out of it and is now a very easy-going and supportive young man.

user183526374 · 07/12/2020 08:25

I think she has been damaged by her father's absence

Obviously. And by having a mother who decided her young child just had to "get over it" for the mother's convenience.

Other than trying to put her back in her box and chastising her what have you done to support her with the trauma of her absent father and how that's affected her?

Trying to control things is common for traumatised children who have not had any control over the big things in their life (like, you know, her dad abandoning her and you moving in your boyfriend regardless of the impact on her and without talking to her about what it meant for her...). Of course you have an insecure child after being abandoned by her dad! For goodness sake.

Maybe if you stopped treating her with contempt and blaming her for the impact of her adults letting her down it would help.

user183526374 · 07/12/2020 08:32

Yes, it does make me angry that you have come on here bitching and complaining about your very obviously traumatised child. And then tried to use "oh I reckon she's autistic" as a get-out card for your failings.

She's not "on the spectrum" , she's traumatised. Unsurprisingly.

Take the discomfort you feel about that and use it to power you to finally do right by your daughter.

Wbeezer · 07/12/2020 09:16

It's obvious to me that some of the PPs have never lived with a child with persistant problems of this nature, a teenage bolshie phase is different.
I have three children with different degrees of neuro-diversity (all with official dx). Two of them are controlling, one to a strong degree, both because of anxiety. They would be controlling even if I was the most perfect parent ever (which I'm not, i manage good enough most of the time) because the anxiety comes from within them, its not caused by how they are treated by me or events although life events can obviously make things worse (though usually it's things that others would regard as minor that set them off, they often cope better with big problems than you would expect). The OP sounds as though she has not done anything wrong to me. In my experience any punishment that immediately raises anxiety levels is counterproductive, all the usual Supernanny style techniques were disastrous, although I was very diligent in attempting them. Yes you have to have boundaries and be consistent but you can't get through to a child having a meltdown. I can understand the OP not confiscating tech.
I would look into autism spectrum conditions, PDA is a possibility. Girls are underdiagnosed and present differently to boys, often being more sociable on the surface.
I have sometimes joked with DH that he better never leave me because DS1 would be a horrible step child and no man would have me as a result!
Doesn't mean I am damaging DS1 by harbouring negative (but realistic!), thoughts about him!
I fully accept and love him as he is while at the same time accepting that he is a difficult person to live with some of the time for reasons that he has little control over, he's not being controlling for his own amusement!
I have grown a rather thick skin!
12 was a difficult year for us too.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 07/12/2020 09:28

I just ask my teen what she wants me to wear. 😂 makes it much easier.

Why shouldn’t she be involved in a house choice. She’s part of the family. You don’t have to go with what she says but she’s allowed an opinion.

Wbeezer · 07/12/2020 09:32

I've reread the PPs posts and fail to see where she told her DD to "get over it".
I will say that one of the most useful insights I had was learning that children on the spectrum tend to have an emotional and social age 2/3 that of their chronological age and therefore its best to keep that in mind. I expect traumatised children or children who have had to deal with adverse life events are often similar.
My suspicion, due to my experience is that OP s daughter would be no less controlling if her birth father was still with OP rather than her SD.

user686833 · 07/12/2020 10:29

She sounds like she's been allowed on social media far too young. You know the age guidelines are 13+? Why is she addicted to her phone? What does she need it for at her age?She's obsessed with an image she can portray, and she's only a child. I bet if you banned all social media she'd quickly lose the shallow attitude.

Original poster
malificent7 · 07/12/2020 13:10

I didnt tell her to get over anything...i see ...there those who believe mums should not remarry or find love again.
My friend's sons " won't let" her date again...I am not that woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 07/12/2020 13:13

If her dad was around she wouldnt be traumatised though.. i have given her loads of love, aupport and attention...im not the perfect mum but who is. As for social media...over lockdown the constant contact with her mates saved her sanity so its a bit like putting it back in Pandoras box. I got comfort from knowing she could chat away constantly than soy in her room being miserable.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 07/12/2020 13:13

Sit,*

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 07/12/2020 13:15

It sounds like all teenagers but I'd be having none of it. I used to say to my son it's my home and my rules, when you have your own home you can do what you want.

Original poster
malificent7 · 07/12/2020 13:15

Btw...boyfriend hasnt moved in yet...been together 5 years so hardly rushed.
The judgyness on mumsnet is so prevalent it's almost a form of entertainment!

OP posts:
mycatscausehell · 07/12/2020 13:17

Just wondering if maybe shes feeling like her life is out of control in other areas and is grasping for as much as she can. Which wouldn't be unsurprising in this current climate

Original poster
malificent7 · 07/12/2020 13:18

Btw ..my step dd has had adverse life conditions such as her mum cheating on her dad and moving in with the new man and her dad moving on with me and is the most chilled child around. I do not favour her to dd though...i dont love her in the same way and dont favour her but she would never talk to her mum the way dd talks to me ...and she is a massive gamer so always on screens.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 07/12/2020 13:19

Step dd is same age as dd and while they do get on, they are VERY different.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 07/12/2020 13:29

I don’t see the problem. At age 12 they are old enough to have a say and an opinion. We’d always agree as a family on which restaurant to go to. We have moved many times and we’d all go to house viewings as a family and agree as a family on which house to move to. Yes, adults have the final say in event of needing a tie breaker or if a dispute, but there is a lot of room between ignoring everything a 12yr old says and dismissing her opinions and feelings versus obeying them blindly and them controlling you.
I think you need to relax a bit and give her some say and influence. At least listen to her opinions and try to give them the consideration they deserve.
It’s not nice to live in an environment where everything you think is ignored and dismissed, even an opinion on which restaurant to eat at!

BigusBumus · 07/12/2020 13:41

I have 3 teenage sons, older than your DD though. One is VERY opinionated and controlling. We just include him in discussions about stuff. It makes for an easier life tbh if he feels he has some say, but ultimately it will be our decision as adults.

For example I wanted to get my old Doc Martens out the other day and asked him if they would look cool or awful on me now i'm 50. He said they were cool, but even if he had said awful i would still have worn them as his opinion is interesting to me rather than something i have to obey.

Original poster
malificent7 · 07/12/2020 13:43

Well i gave in yesterday and she chose Frankie and Bennies instead of the high street Italian so its not like she dosn't get an opinion!

OP posts:
TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 07/12/2020 13:43

Bigusbaemus, alas l rely on 14 year old dd opinion on any clothes l buy. She’s usually good though. Better than dh who just says ‘yeah it looks ok’

LindaEllen · 07/12/2020 13:54

She needs to remember who the parent - and adult - is in this situation.

We had to have a serious discussion with my stepson at the weekend, who seemed to think he was 'equal' to his dad, and should be allowed to do the same things, stay up until the same time etc. He cannot. This was explained to him, and it was explained why.

Your DD shouldn't have any say over what you wear (I mean, unless you're wearing something REALLY, really odd and it would be unfair to then subject her to the embarrassment, but I assume that's not the case) and although she should have some say in where you move to (not nice to be dragged to somewhere you hate), it's not her decision, and you get the final call.

Whenever she starts 'demanding' things, close the conversation down. Don't allow her to control you, or make you feel like you're unreasonable by not giving in to her demands.

LindaEllen · 07/12/2020 13:55

@PlanDeRaccordement

I don’t see the problem. At age 12 they are old enough to have a say and an opinion. We’d always agree as a family on which restaurant to go to. We have moved many times and we’d all go to house viewings as a family and agree as a family on which house to move to. Yes, adults have the final say in event of needing a tie breaker or if a dispute, but there is a lot of room between ignoring everything a 12yr old says and dismissing her opinions and feelings versus obeying them blindly and them controlling you. I think you need to relax a bit and give her some say and influence. At least listen to her opinions and try to give them the consideration they deserve. It’s not nice to live in an environment where everything you think is ignored and dismissed, even an opinion on which restaurant to eat at!
The problem isn't having an opinion, the problem is being a bratty little madam about it, and believing that her opinion is the be all and end all.