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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Bullying daughter

103 replies

doesntmatterwhoiam · 19/10/2007 10:37

I have namechanged.

I have just had a phone call from my dh who has been phoned by the headmaster.

My teenage sixthformer dd and a friend have been accused of making another girls life hell. She handed a note in today from my dd and her friend and it said basically 'you are dead this evening, bitch'.

I am shocked and horrified.

I know that there are problems in the class - that there are two distinct groups of girls and my dd is in the 'I'm so popular and so cool it hurts' group. I have talked to her and her friends having heard them talk and bitch about the other girls and 'how much they hate them'. I was shocked at the depth of nastiness and deep feeling and told them in no uncertain terms that 'there for the grace of god go I' and that they should be kinder and if they cannot bear the other girls they should just bloody well leave them alone.

I have heard my dd gossiping on the phone about this and talked to her afterwards - her supercilious attitude (she has been offered a cleaning job for pocket money by a neighbour and turned it down because she is too good to be anybodies cleaner; she sneered at my new pjs because they came from matalan) is unbearable and she and her friends think that they are just the bees knees.

What do I do? I will have to talk to her, obviously, but holy cow. I cannot beleive a child of mine is behaving like this. I am ashamed and angry.

The headmaster said he may well take it further (police,) and if it was my child being bullied I would be all for it. Perhaps she needs a short sharp shock.

She is too old for a bloody good hiding or stopping pocket money (can do this but will not hurt as has money in bank).

I can take away her mobile or laptop but it all seems so petty.

I want to shake her till her teeth rattle to make her see sense.

Reading the last comment makes me think that I sound like an evil cruel corporal punishment (thus learned behaviour) mother. NOt at all. Am just at complete loss.

Ideas please.

OP posts:
Original poster
doesntmatterwhoiam · 19/10/2007 18:12

Well I am spitting angry. Tried to talk to her like an adult and finished off with a screaming slanging match and her calling me a bitch and then saying that she wasnt talking to me, she was singing a song and the chorus was BITCH.

I could slap her. She thinks being unfair as she is already being punished at shcool and at 18 she is too old to be punished

She is as unrepentant as shit.

g

OP posts:
Tortington · 19/10/2007 18:28

sh'es 18? she's and adult. AN ADULT

i would remove anything of any significant enjoyment from her room.

she would be entitled to no money unless she got a god damned job.

until she gained paid employment, it would be mandatory for her to help out at a charity shop, or soup kitchen.

there would be a 10pm kerfew

if she doesn't like it lock the door.

if she carries on revoke school fees and send her state.

As soon as my daughter eer calls me a bitch - i dont care whether she is 18 or 45 - i'd slap her right across the face.

themoon66 · 19/10/2007 18:31

Like I said earlier.... take her out of that school and away from the rich bitches and put her in the local college to finish A-levels.

Original poster
doesntmatterwhoiam · 19/10/2007 18:33

You know me all of you.

She is grounded.
She has lost her laptop and portable.
She has lost her pocket money.

She is in her bedroom slapping on makeup and singing very loudly to her ipod in front of her mirror.

She says that at 18n she is no longer punishable and that dh said that and that she will not be punished as she is already pundished at school.

She is being utterly vile.

I have invite to drinks party.

Will go and smile and be charming (assuming dh ever gets home).

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 19/10/2007 18:34

Send her to Coventry - this often has more of an effect than shouting, talking, reasoning etc. being sent to Coventry with a dissdane "cut the atomosphere" around the house can work wonders.

Also withdraw washing cooking cleaning - there is no way I would be a dd's skivy if she is to good to do it for money then you are to good to do it for free. Let her do her own cooking cleaning washing and buy her own food - see how long her money in the bank lasts then.

ps good luck

muppetgirl · 19/10/2007 18:34

You could also take her door off to her room.

No privacy until attitude changes.

Now that would get a reaction....

Original poster
doesntmatterwhoiam · 19/10/2007 18:35

I am sorely tempted to take her out. She has worked very hard to get where she is (selective entrance).

When I am calmer I will tell her that one strike and she is out and that if she steps out of line once omre she goes to local sink hole (it really is).

OP posts:
muppetgirl · 19/10/2007 18:43

Just thought, if she's off to uni, who does she think will be paying??

Tortington · 19/10/2007 18:43

does your dh know she called you a biitch?

at 18 you are punishable if in my house you respect ME or fuck the fuck off. thems the rules. and DH would feel my wrath - like he has FINAL say on fuck all - marriage = joint decision.

i would seriously tell her that next time your gonna kick her scrawny arse up and down the street.

Original poster
doesntmatterwhoiam · 19/10/2007 18:43
Wink
OP posts:
Tortington · 19/10/2007 18:44

and take the fucking ipod off her. and her cd's and cd player. and straightners

and throw her make up in the bin

themoon66 · 19/10/2007 18:47

Oooh yes... straighteners and make up. Like a knife in the heart!

Original poster
doesntmatterwhoiam · 19/10/2007 18:47

the wink was to muppetgiorl.

Yes, have just told dh on phone that she called me a bitch.
u
He is behind me all the way with this. Her 'better than you peasants' behaviour recently has recently been pissing him off.

She has been acting as though we are jst the hotel providing a backdrop to her sparkling social livfe.

She actually had the temerity to say

'I apologised to C this afternoon in front of everyone without being prompted - but because of you I can't now go out to the reconcilliation lunch that she and her friends offered because YOU wont let me go out....'

Give me strength.

OP posts:
Tortington · 19/10/2007 18:47

i presume you bought it.

tell her to get her own.

and if shes anythig like my daughter its not just the make up - but the oxy cleansing pads and the face masks and all the cleanisng toning and kiss mi arse shit - BINNED

down the sink eyeshadow turned into powder with scissors. mascarra - feel wrath of my hammer.

i wouldnt brook no shit - oh no. at 18!

my 17 yo gave me a kiss this evening.

2 days ago he pushed his brother into a wall really hard. so dh pushed him up the stairs. witha " how do you LIKE it?"

I RULE MY HOUSE and that is that

Original poster
doesntmatterwhoiam · 19/10/2007 18:49

She paid for the ipod. The lack of mobile and laptop will hit hard.

She thinks she is Paris fucking Hilton.

If she had a chihouoa or however you spell that bloody dog, it would be in the RSPCA now.

OP posts:
Carmenere · 19/10/2007 18:50

You know I thought she was 16, I am really shocked that she is 18. That really is too old to be behaving like this. I think that she needs to understand exactly that she is being supported and educated by you and that stacking shelves and paying council tax are her option unless she makes a severe shift in attitude.

Although I don't condone violence I think I'm with Custy on this. If my dd ever called me a bitch, I think I would pack her bags.
The fact that she is behaving like this means you possibly should have been a bit harder on her. What I mean is where does she get the idea that arguing and being rude to you is within the realms of acceptable?

You say she has worked hard academically but brains are no good if compassion is absent.

She needs a good kick in the arse and a really decent shock.

Original poster
doesntmatterwhoiam · 19/10/2007 18:52

I have posted abou ther on here before but really thought she was totally reformed character.

To cap it all, walloped my knee on a chair when I rushed outside when she said bitch and am now limping.

OP posts:
pagwatch · 19/10/2007 18:52

With you Custy

My DS aged 14 got snotty with me a few months ago ( long story). I packed every item of his clothing into bin bags and gave him an M&S tracksuit which was for him to spend all his non school time in until his attitude changed.
Two hours later he was a gibbering wreck.
he knows I will do it - take EVERY benefit away if he messes with me. so he doesn't. And we have a great relationship and we love each other dearly.

Tortington · 19/10/2007 18:53

@limping always the way isn't it.

howd'she pay for ipod?

Original poster
doesntmatterwhoiam · 19/10/2007 18:54

Job she had over the summer.

I am grinding my teeth.

OP posts:
claricebeansmum · 19/10/2007 18:54

18! OK that changes the complexion on this a bit for me.

She is an adult and behaving like a spoiled little brat. If she carries on like this she is going to be on of those women we can't bear to be near. For her own sake you need to bring her up sharp.

Some posters have come up with some short sharp shock ideas here. You, and only you and DH, know how far you can go with this but this is a case of having to be really cruel to be kind. She is playing the victim here. I think she is lucky to have a roof over her head tonight and not to have been expelled/withdrawn from school.

Carmenere · 19/10/2007 18:55

Take it, tell her it is rent.

Tortington · 19/10/2007 18:57

oh gosh darn it! i suppoe she's entitled to it then.

Original poster
doesntmatterwhoiam · 19/10/2007 18:57

I think because it is a private school they are handling it diplomatically - which may or may not be the right way to go. If I was the other parent I would be incandescent.

As for her behaviour this evening, I am far too angry to deal with this as I should. I am itching to wallop her sneering pretty little face and am shocked at my own reaction

I will talk to dh whilst out (assuming he ever gets home) and take it further tomorrow.

OP posts:
claricebeansmum · 19/10/2007 18:59

Sorry to add to your worries but who is "in charge" tonight when you go out?

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