Struggling with teen daughter and her anxiety

[Sara2000]

I need a safe space to offload. Yes , some of you will tell me what a shit parent I am. But you know what? I'm not, I'm just being honest about how I feel.

Dd aged 15 is under tier 3 CAMHs for anxiety, self harming and suicide ideation. We are paying for counselling and CBT which she says is going well. I am just finding it so hard to live with.

She is rude and hostile pretty much all the time. She spends 90% of her time in her room playing online games. She has a group of online friends and 2 real life school friends. Of course the pandemic hasn't helped, but she never wants to go anywhere. I am at a loss. Her life at the weekend consists of her laptop, coming down for some food and grunting at us, back up to her room.

She has just been diagnosed with a vitamin D deficiency and will be on high strength vitamin D for 2 months, having sat in her dark room for 6 months. .

She hates school and moans about it constantly, even had a short spell of school refusal in september. She does little or no school work despite doing GCSEs.

She wears hoodies and tracksuit bottoms and looks like a teenage boy. I give her money to buy clothes and they sit in her wardrobe. Her room is a tip.

I feel like her staff. I am here to cook, clean and serve but other than that, surplus to requirement. I pick her up from school and she sits staring at her phone like I'm a bloody uber driver. It's just take, take, take. I hate it. Every interaction we have is loaded and ends in an argument. Yes, I am aware that's probably not surprising.

Today I had to coax her out of the house. We were taking the dog for a walk and she started crying because I didn't know exactly where we were going. we bumped into some old friends and she just stood there ignoring my friends daughter who she has known since she was 4.

I am worn down by it. I know she has anxiety and I am sure a vitamin D deficiency doesnt help. But I have no idea how to deal with her, what to say and whether I should be forcing her out of her room. We tried to introduce a weekly film watching session but she refused.

I ask how her counselling is going and what they do and she takes great pleasure in not saying. I don't mean details as clearly that's not my business , but just generally what is done. Its £60 a week and I am shut out of it.

I am so fucked off with it all. I am done with walking on egg shells and biting my tongue. I dont think I have any tongue left to bloody bite. She is unbearable.

How do you get through this delightful stage? Give me a whinger baby or a tantrumming toddler baby day.

I need to hear from those of you with teens with mental health difficulties. Help!

I also dont understand the point of CAMHs. They see her, assess her, tell me what I already know (she has anxiety), sign her up on a waiting list for treatment that we canr afford to wait for so we are now paying and then give us absolutely no help or guidance on how to deal with her. Its basically a signpost to 'waiting list'. Why dont they help the parents who have to deal with these teens?

The fact that she cried when she didnt know exactly where she was going means that her anxiety is still a huge problem. Has she considered medication?

It also sounds like your relationship is nonexistent. You talk about her with a great deal of dislike, she's not likely to have missed that, and also as if you have absolutely no idea what living with anxiety is like. I would recommend family counselling.

Has she been diagnosed with anything? anti-social disorder, social anxiety disorder, a personality disorder etc?

What's the root cause?

It’s hard. You have my sympathy. Some of what you describe is ‘normal’ teenage behaviour, other stuff is the anxiety expressing itself. We have been/are going through similar. Can you talk to her therapist? Obviously what happens in sessions is confidential but you can talk about generalities and s/he may be able to give some pointers, which may (or may not) be helpful - I was advised to do more silly/fun stuff, to my speed tbh but DH not bad at that. I was also told that when they are most pushing you away (slamming to room, sitting on bed, knees drawn up, shrugging off cuddles - when ALL THE SIGNS are they want you to back off as well as their words - guess what, they really DON’T want you to back off. Hard, hard, hard; your frailty has no space, I know, you are human too, not a saint-parent but it’s not your fault and it’s not her fault, it’s a separate thing, try to keep that in mind). The behaviours are the anxiety expressing itself as rudeness, laziness, hostility, dishonesty, anger, defensiveness etc.
Keep going and good luck, you are not alone, there must be thousands of us.

you say you are paying for counselling and CBT but what about family therapy? You need some strategies to help you communicate it sounds like.

I knew I'd get someone telling me I don't like her. You can always rely on MN for arses. I love my daughter. I have gone to great lengths to help her but this has been going on for years and i am worn out. I just want to come here for a moan and find people who get it. Not some smug git to tell me I don't like her. Its unhelpful and untrue . You're right that I dont know what living with anxiety is like and that's hardly my fault as I dont have it. But I sure as hell know what it's like living with someone who has it. Its crap. CAMHs won't medicate without having CBT first. Theres a 4 month waiting list despite being tier 3.

@User158340 no she hasn't, but social situations are a massive issue. That and catastrophising. She has also been tested for ASD but came back as not that. No idea what the root cause is. Maybe there isn't one as such.

@Shortysoso. Thank you. I just needed to hear I'm not the only one.

I have thought about family therapy but £ is being spent on CBT for now.

I've no advice, but I have a 12 year old who's struggling with anxiety, nowhere near the stage your daughter is at and I'm already at the end of my tether with dealing with it so you have my full sympathy. It's just such a drain dealing with it.

I know it's awful for them and I'd never let them know that I'm sick of it. I'm sorting out counselling and am being supportive but the sheer effort of getting them to school, or dealing with a meltdown on a Sunday night as they get into a state is hard work.

I'm sorry if i upset you, but all i have to go on is what you posted, and although it was clear from what you wrote that you love her , it does also sound like you don't like her very much right now, and she'll definitely be picking up on your frustration and internalising it. I know i did at her age.

I reiterate that family counselling is a must. We did it when i was a teen. It wasn't pleasant, but it was vital.

@Sara2000 Has she been tested for autism? It can be overlooked in girls but it's possible given the outbursts, the anxiety and aversion to social situations.

No advice but that sounds really hard, and I don't think YABU to feel at the end of your tether. I expect people having a go at you have never experienced it.

I've worked with teenagers with anxiety and that can be draining enough; feeling like you can never do or say the right thing; living with someone going through that must be relentless. It's also frustrating when they refuse to believe in, let alone do the natural things that might help such as walks in green spaces, exercise, talking etc, all of which you have mentioned. In my experience I think often they feel as though CAMHS can wave a magic wand, and they don't need to attempt to change anything about their lifestyle, when in reality that isn't the case.

Dealing with a teenager is sometimes hard enough let alone this added stress.
Your feelings are entirely understandable and you sound like you need support too. Is there anyone in real life you can go for a socially distant walk with and have a good old moan? Online chat support forums? Facebook support groups? Some of these you would have to be careful your daughter doesn't see incase it makes her feel worse obv.
Are you taking care of yourself?

You can love your child and not like their behaviour. You can love your child and not like the effect they have on the family.

So much of what you describe is pretty normal for teens, but her self-harm and suicide ideation are a bloody great elephant in the room when it comes to addressing this behaviour. I imagine that you feel like you're tiptoeing around, unable to address things that upset everyone, for fear that you may tip her over some invisible edge.

Not exactly the same situation in my family of origin but another voice suggesting family therapy- It really worked for us and now even 20yrs on we still benefit from the communication skills we learnt when dealing with one another. Good luck- if it’s any consolation I was an arse of a 15yr old and I’m now a very sensible woman pushing 40 with a very good relationship with my own parents and sister. I do have two small daughters though who I’m sure will make me suffer just like I made my own parents suffer!

I completely get where you are coming from -I've been supporting dd1 with mental health issues for 7 years and dd2 for 2

It's exhausting and it doesn't matter how much you love them...it's still exhausting!

I often say I feel like I can't have emotions because I'm spent dealing with their emotions

Dd1 has improved the closer she got to 19 but camhs was incredibly unhelpful and as a result dd2 has refused to engage with them at all

What has helped me is finding my own counsellor who has no expectations for me to be strong

I've also got better and finding my own boundaries, expressing them clearly and calmly and then walking away if emotions bubble over

It's hard but ultimately you can't fix things for her and you have to make peace with that

@Sara2000 hey there - this was me two years ago. Word for word. After struggling with NHS and propranolol followed by sertraline we self funded a psychiatrist who specialises in teen and YA brains. It took him no time to arrange assessments for DD who turned out to have ADHD as well as high functioning ASD. Please read up and look into it - also the Additide website although very Americanised hugely helpful. For my DD ritalin daily was a literal life saver and she says the day she got her diagnosis was the best of her life, because although it didn't take her struggles away it gave her answers. She also sent me this photo the other day which explains a lot.

Don't know how much help I'll be able to give you, but my dd is now 24 and has pretty well accepted that her MH problems will always be with her. She is on medication, has tried to come off it but rapidly became suicidal, so accepts that this is the best solution for now.

It was much harder when she was 15, though we were lucky in getting both CBT and family counselling. It is worth pushing for, it really made a big difference to have a space for us to talk too. CAHMS were the same about not medicating until she had had done some CBT but once they realised they weren't getting anywhere because she was too ill to take anything in, they did put her on medication and continued the CBT.

She school refused quite a bit (and made two suicide attempts related to anxiety about going into school- there was a back story here). We had to accept that her GCSEs were never going to reflect her actual academic ability, she was just too ill. But she did get enough (5 or 6) to scrape into a good Sixth Form college, and did much better at the next stage.

A few things that helped us:

Not trying to set fixed times for things- a regular planned film evening might be too much, but sometimes she would come down and we would just sit watching Poirot together. Identifying anxiety triggers. Going out for a meal was one of them: she would set out for her birthday meal full of excitement and get so anxious that we had to turn back.

Not commenting on her physical appearance unless absolutely necessary (very heavy makeup usually a sign she wasn't doing well) nor on the state of her room.

Never using her crutch for discipline. During those years being a member of the local youth theatre was the one thing that kept her going. Dh and I decided at a very early stage that whatever happened, even if she refused to attend school altogether, if she didn't do any work at all- we would never take that away from her.

In dd's case she also has a genetic condition that is co-morbid with high anxiety levels, also anxiety/depression runs through my family (at least 4 generations that I know about). At least that saves me from worrying what I did wrong: however much I might be responsible for my daughter, I am jolly well not responsible for my mother or grandfather.

It is an exhausting illness to live with (as dd once put it "it's hard work being me"), but it's also exhausting for anyone who has to live with it. But it is also possible to learn to manage it: dd has gradually learnt to live with it, like she lives with her dislocating shoulders.

All best wishes for you, OP- and do be kind to yourself! This one is hard work!

Should have added that dd is not autistic and does not have ADHD. Those are factors that do cause anxiety in young girls, but they are not the only factors.

Thank you all. I am going to have a good read later.

@Sara2000

@BCBG. Is there any chance you could pm the name of the Dr? I would not be at all surprised if DD has ASD . She has anxiety, avoids social situations and has a whole list of sensory issues. CAMHs did the ADOS assesment last year and they said she didnt meet the threshold as her development was normal in terms of when she walked and walked etc. I wonder if it can for girls though.

I meant walked and talked.

Looking after someone who is suffering from anxiety is hard

You're not living inside your daughter's head so it's difficult to understand her actions, but please try to remember that she can't help how she feels. Pretty much everything you mention can be explained by her anxiety (being hostile, not wanting to wear nice clothes, crying and refusing to engage with your friend's daughter...). It might feel like she's being a brat, but she's not- she's poorly.

And remember that it's important that you're kind to yourself too. You're not a trained professional so don't feel like you need to have all the answers. Obviously it's important that you continue to be there for your daughter, but take some time to concentrate on yourself too. You can't look after someone else if you burn out so have a long bath, read a book, or do whatever else you can to unwind.

I'm sorry that you and your daughter are in this position. There's no quick fix but I hope things improve for both of you soon.

So much of what you wrote could be me describing my just turned 16 dd. Only difference being she sits on the sofa on her laptop rather than her room! She was diagnosed with ASD in March and is just starting CBT. I'm hoping for a breakthrough with this but I agree it's hard going. Since the ASD diagnosis i seem to be more accepting that this is her being her and so backed off on expecting her to be more involved in family life. I'm more understanding of her social anxiety and don't try and force it anymore. This at least has led to a more peaceful house. The self harm and meltdowns still happen, usually around things going on at school and it is hoped that the CBT will help. I get sad remembering the smiling, chatty, interested in life girl that changed into this person who is living her life on an online chat room. When I try and engage and ask about her online friends she bluntly tells me it's private. Occasionally she'll ask to do baking or go for a walk to the shops and I jump at the chance. I'm worried for her future, she has to make choices about 6th form and college but gets anxious thinking about it. Revision for GCSE mocks is painful and she would happily spend every moment on her laptop. She is academically doing well but could achieve so much more if she put effort in to revise. Just wanted to say really you're not alone.

Sorry Op it sounds really tough. You sound like a good mum from your post

@Sara2000 PMd you