15yo DDs lack of social life and freedom

[dragonstitcher]

I've just read Wisterias thread about 14yo DD lying but didn't want to hijack it. There are a lot of points brought up about how much freedom to give a teenager that strike a cord with me.

My 15yo DD has no social life outside of school. She has plenty of friends in school but she has no contact with them outside of school and seems to spend most of her spare time shut away in her room. She won't make any effort to contact them and they don't call for her anymore. She says that it is my fault for not allowing her out after dark and that her friends make fun of her for being a mummys girl.

DD is sensible, doesn't want to drink and is dead against smoking. I know that she won't have sex because (her words) she can't even put a tampon in. I know that I can trust her, but I worry because she is very niave and gullible.

I want to give her more freedom. The problem is my husband, her stepfather. He sees groups of girls hanging around in gangs and he is determined that she isn't going to be one of them. He is very strict and overbearing and I can't fight him. DD is very moody and hates us, I feel sorry for her but feel helpless and cross that she takes it out on me. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Does she express a desire to have more of a social life? It is not compulsory imo esp if she plans to stay in education ie go to uni. it may be that she blossoms there often happens. What are her interests? Would she enjoy Duke of Edinburgh? Or volunteering for something, the countryside service round us offers a scheme to get young people involved in countryside activities.. i agree to a point with your dh about groups of girls hanging round. has he read 'the stepparents parachute' book that has helped my dh with my ds very much. being strict is ok but only if he is prepared to put in the work in parenting.

Hmm, I have a 13 yr old ds and wouldn't want him hanging round after dark either, but it wouldn't really happen here as we live in a small village where you just don't see kids hanging around.

If you're worried that she doesn't socialise outside school, why not encourage her to do some after school activities?

On Saturdays, perhaps you could offer to take a few of them to the cinema (obviously dropping them in the car park, there's NO WAY she can be seen in public with you), so they can go for a pizza or something and you could pick them all up at maybe 6pm and drop them home?

If it was up to my ds he wouldn't do much either, but he does do after school things 3 times a week and still gets home by 6pm, and gets together for bike rides in the woods etc with his friends on Saturdays sometimes.

So far as your dh is concerned, I can see how hard it is for you not to be in one "camp" against the other. I think you just need to try to help him understand that your dd is growing up, she's a young adult now and she needs to be able to stretch her wings.

Mmm, I had very little (indeed no) social life at 15 but it didn't bother me. At 17, the world changed and I was out all of the time.

If she wants to go out but has given up trying, then I think that you do have to do something. Can you talk to her about where she would like to go and what she would like to do and explain what you do not want her to do (ie hang about on street corners). To make her responsible, I think that you do have to trust her a little and give her some responsibility.

I'd have a chat to her when her stepfather is not around and find out what she might like to do. If he is very strict and overbearing this could be a real problem. Do you think he is too strict? If so, you need to speak to him about it.

Do her friends just hang around aimlessly in groups after dark? If so, I'd agree with your husband tbh.

DD1 is almost 14 and so far we have had no major disagreements about what she can/can't do. She has various after school and weekend activities. She is allowed to go shopping with her friends. Some of her friends parents don't allow this but as long as I know who is going, where they are going and either which bus they are catching home or who is picking them up then I don't stress too much. She is also under no illusions that if I discover that she has done something that I don't approve of she won't be going again.

Does she have anything planned for half term, ie during the days?

I wouldn't have minded if you'd hijacked

I would be worried if that were my dd too (not that she's not out necessarily, as others have said there is plenty of time for all that, but that she spends all her time shut in her room and is resentful) especially if she wants to go out.

Your post worries me more that you seem powerless to say what you think re your own child's upbringing, and I don't mean that to sound 'judgy' but I've been there with an ex bf and it did me no good whatsoever. Can you not talk to him about it? She is your daughter so surely you should have the casting vote, so to speak. I would be worried that she would hate me because I didn't stand up for her (I certainly resented my Mum for not speaking up for me although I understand now how hard it would have been).

My father was like that; very controlling etc and I went off the rails completely and screwed up a very promising education (I was supposed to go to Oxford). I can see where he's coming from as I get upset thinking of my dd 'hanging around' but I do know she would never cause trouble - they need to go somewhere, these kids.

It's a difficult one for you though, any support I can offer, I will.

I'm sorry and I may be speaking out of line here... but surely the last word about what she can and can't do rests with you. She is your DD after all.
Do you sympathise with her? If so, you must stand up to your DH and be firm.
There are plenty of things she can do that doesn't involve 'groups of girls hanging around'.
My DD2 (15) is in a group of girls, about 6 of them... on a weekend they go shopping together, they go to each others houses, watch DVDs eat junk and gossip. In the summer they do 'hang around' but it sounds to me like you trust your DD as much as I trust mine. You have to prove that to her.
You must encourage her to bring friends home, offer to drop them off at the nearest mall, hire some DVDs and buy a load of crisps and pizzas and go out with your DH and leave them to it.
Then move on to having a load of them sleeping in your lounge. They won't get much sleep but it will be fun.
Your say your DH is strict and overbearing. Well, you have to fight your DH on this... she is your DD.

Not sure what you mean by "I can't fight him".

If he's wrong, you can, and should. If you agree with him you should support him.

What does your daughter say? You say she hates you which sounds like she does want more freedom?

Can you all work together to find ways to get her more freedom?

The thing is that when she can go out, she chooses not to, but uses us stopping her as an excuse to her friends. Then she believes the excuse and complains that her not going out is our fault.

Going completely off topic now. She has recently moved into her own room (moved out of sisters room and into room vacated by stepbrothers). She needs a wardrobe or something to keep her clothes in. We can't afford one yet. XH who has given no money for about 8 years suddenly says he wants to buy her a wardrobe. We can't find one that will fit in the room (under the cabin bed) and he is putting her under pressure to choose.

DH is putting his foot down and says that he doesn't want anything from XH. DD is upset. I can see both points of view. DD needs a cupboard, we can't afford it, XH wants to buy one - fine let him. DH has brought DD up for the last 10 years with little financial help from XH and is too proud to accept anything now.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place again.

Get XH to give cash to dd direct, so your dh doesn't feel beholden (not that there's any way he should, obviously).

Have you looked at Ikea? they seem to do various inserts for inside wardrobes, so maybe you get a rail for hanging stuff and a drawer thingy on wheels, which would be mor flexible?

What's she got planned for half term?

(You can see I'm getting obsessed, can't you?)

my ds has very little social life and like your dd does not have mates calling for him - although he is happy and popular at school
i do not worry as he seems content

does dd have a job? i placate myself that ds's job in a bar is kind of like a social life - he meets girls and they text him and stuff

i dont want him hanging around town after dark and i dont think you would be happy if dd was doing that....

ds has in the past used his school being in a different town to cover the fact that he does not go out but i see its only a cover

does dd seem to want to go out. ds is so annoying he hangs round dp and i all the time - I want him to hide away in his room to get him out of my hair

i wish i could help with the wardrobe
have you tried freecycle. this is just practical advise,in the meanwhile maybe you could try talking to dp about his attitude to dd's dad. do you think this is bothering dd?

How old is your ds, NAO?

Mumblechum, DD doesn't have anything planned for half term, apart from her doing her art textile coursework.

NotAnOtter, DD doesn't have a job ATM. She has been promised a job in Woolworths when she is 16 because they were so impressed with her work experience this summer.

difficult, considering he has been a father to her for 10 years.

I'd take the money for the wardrobe from her biological dad, to be honest. It does seem (and certainly WILL seem) to your DD that your husband is going out of his way to make her as unhappy as he legally can. What is all this 'after dark' nonsense? At her next birthday she will be old enough to elope to Gratna Green and get married! She will never be trustworthy if you never trust her. Of course you can fight him on this, it's the most important thing you will ever fight him on!

I can understand and empathise totally that she doesn't bother trying to go out any more, how demoralising, how self esteem shattering to be told again and again that you are not trusted.

Dragon, I think you're in a really tough place and can see why your dh doesn't want to take anything from xh, even though it would probably be better if he did for dd.

It's hard isn't it, but I think it is worth really trying to make your dh loosen up a bit where she's concerned, as I would be worried that eventually teenage rebellion will kick in and she'll go flitting off to xh - teenage girls only see what is in the here and now, she won't remember (or appreciate) the lack of financial assistance from her bio Dad until she has grown up unfortunately...

Good luck though with whatever you do.

I really want to take the money. I am not too proud. But if I did DH who is a mammoth sulker will make the next few months not worth living.

Now he has grounded DD#2 aged 12 from youth club tonight. She broke something of DD#3 age 7 last night while I was at work. While I agree that she needs some form of discipline, it was his constant grounding from youth club that was the start of the end of DD#1s social life and I can see it happening again.

Dragonstitcher, I posted yesterday, and having returned to the thread and seen your more recent posts, I now remember that I have read some of your other threads. I really think there are some serious issues here which although I think they will be very difficult to deal with in the short term, it could be very worth it in the long term.

Firstly, I'd take the money from DD1s father for the wardrobe and sod what your DH thinks. I'd also put my foot down on the banning of DD2 from the youth club. Disciplining of the children is something that you should be agreeing together. He has no right to do this although obviously if he is prepared to be reasonable you can discuss it and come to a mutual agreement BUT I think you have to be strong and remember she is your daughter.

It does sound as though DD1 is withdrawing from the rest of the family and although this to some extent is normal for teenagers, I think there is more to it than that.

I really am sorry if this sounds harsh, it's not meant to. I think you and your DDs just need to pull together and if that means standing up to your DH then you need to do it for the sake of your daughters.

You need to do something, and fast. he is in real danger of completely alienating your daughters, and if you don't stop him, they will never ever forgive him. This happened to me, my father did this. Then I just used to lie to him all the time - no point telling him the truth, he over reacted to everything I did. Then when I was 18 I deliberately got a job with erratic shift patterns so he couldn't control me any more.

Never mind how much he sulks. What's more important? His temporary satisfaction (until he finds something else to control her with) or her long term self esteem and mental health?

It destroyed me, not that he tried to control me and didn't trust me, but that my mother knew it was wrong and jut let him get on with it for an easy life. It felt like she didn't care enough to put her foot down. It felt like to her, I wasn't worth the hassle.

ditto Colditz - maybe our Fathers were brothers!

mumblechum ds is 15 year 11