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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 years old son and 12 year old girlfriend

64 replies

Basilandparsleyandmint · 26/10/2020 12:15

Please can I have advice regarding g my DS just turned 14 and his girlfriend turned 12 in aug and in current year 8

Trying to navigate this without alienating my DS but the age gap is bothering me and wonder if I should contact her mum. I Don’t know her but do know people that know her.
He wants to meet her which is fine after school at park as close to our home and it’s for maybe up to one hour.

Now she is suggesting cinema trips for a film that starts at 8. Today meeting at park 3 miles from my house nearer hers and not sure her family is at home.
Am I just over thinking this and worrying - it’s just that he will be the one that gets into any trouble .

OP posts:
Enoughis · 26/10/2020 12:22

I have a son the same age as yours and 12 year old daughter. If my daughter was dating a teenager, I would end it. It just would not be happening. My teen son would be getting told firmly to end it as well if it were that way round. I think the differences at those ages are to big in terms of development and what they both want would be vastly different.

Chocolatecake12 · 26/10/2020 12:27

Such a tricky age but I’d not be happy either and really feel for you because you’ll be the bad guy in this.
However I think you need to tell your son he cannot have a girlfriend aged 12. He can have her as a friend. The age just seems vast in terms of development.
I have a ds the same age as yours with a girlfriend. Her parents and me are on the same page- they’re not allowed in our homes unless there’s an adult present.

unmarkedbythat · 26/10/2020 12:28

If my 14 year old son told me he had a 12 year old 'girlfriend' I would be very concerned indeed. I don't think it's appropriate at all. I wouldn't give permission for them to spend time together, I would heavily discourage the 'relationship' and I would (probably, depending on who they were and what I knew of them) contact her family if I could to seek their support in keeping the children apart.

MyEnormousTurnip · 26/10/2020 12:30

I have dc this age (dd 12, ds almost 14) and absolutely no way would either of them be allowed to date in these circumstances. There is a vast, vast difference in maturity between those ages.

Original poster
Basilandparsleyandmint · 26/10/2020 12:33

Thank you!
Am so glad that I am not being too over protective- I absolutely hate it and am trying to look out for him. He is mustard keen. So don’t want him sneaking around so trying to keep him talking.

OP posts:
WalkingAfterMidnight · 26/10/2020 12:40

I’m not sure the gap is as big as you think it is. Is your son Year 9? Girls mature sooner than boys as well. In my school the kids say ‘two’s the rule’ so it’s within that. I couldn’t be that concerned if you’ve brought him up to respect boundaries.

jennie0412 · 26/10/2020 12:41

When I was 11, I was 'dating' 14 year olds, however, that's not to say I think it was a good idea. I was lucky that they were people from my school, and not random creeps (not saying that your ds is a creep! But just saying it was likely the only reason I was okay!) this was only around 5 years ago, so not something that could have changed with times. Personally, I think it depends on the situation, when I was 13 I dated a 15 year old who turned out to be very narcissistic, and abusive (sexually and mentally), but then I have also dated a 14 year old having just turned 13, and it was okay. It really depends on how far they're planning to go with each other, as most of the 'relationships' I'm talking about here were holding hands, pecks on the lips when our friends weren't there to tease us, overall very innocent, whereas when I dated the 15 year old it was sexual, proper making out etc, and for a very long time too (well, for teenagers! It lasted about a year and a half). I'm sure you know your son, and his maturity level, if he's likely to be doing anything like that then I'd step in and end it, if he's more 'young' for his age (not that that's a bad thing!) and is the type to blush after a peck on the cheek, then I would say it's okay, and just monitor it. I'm only a bit older than your son, and while I wouldn't want to date a 13 year old for example, I am an 'old' person for my age, and sadly much more mature than most, which I wish I wasn't.

However it's not just down to your son, he could be the loveliest boy but if she's a manipulative girl then stuff could not work out anyway, so I'd want to know more about her and perhaps meet her, but this could happen with a girl his age too, but I'd be more worried because of the age difference.

All the best Smile

WalkingAfterMidnight · 26/10/2020 12:41

I’m aware I’m the lone voice here - I would encourage them to date ‘visibly’ I guess. As soon as something is banned it becomes far more desirable!

jennie0412 · 26/10/2020 12:43

I agree. If my mother had tried to keep me from older boys/my 'boyfriends', we would have found other ways to see each other, perhaps in a cold park when no one knew where we were, rather than inside in the warm, or even in a cold park still but at least people knew where we would have been. Smile

starrynight19 · 26/10/2020 12:44

Is this a year 8 and a year 9 ?
Agree about keeping the discussion open and talking about boundaries and respect.
Often banning things just encourages them to want it even more.

apumpkinaday · 26/10/2020 12:48

What is the difference in school years? Is he year 9 and she year 8? If that’s the case I don’t think that’s too bad. You say he’s very keen and in all honesty I think if you stopped them dating then there’s potential for them to do it in secret. I’d have a chat with him, ask him what his intentions are, and if he’s still serious I think I’d encourage the relationship as someone upthread said, visibly

CorianderLord · 26/10/2020 12:49

Nope wouldn't allow that. As lovely as I'm sure your son is it's not appropriate.

A friend I had at school lost her virginity at 12 because she was with a nearly 15 year old (in 2006). Not saying he would do that but it's a risk.

Original poster
Basilandparsleyandmint · 26/10/2020 12:50

That is my concern the sneaking around so am trying to not get too heavy but concerned especially with age and whilst I realise they are only a school year apart it’s actually nearly two years in age as he is one of the older ones of Y9.

He can be mature but also quite silly at times so about age appropriate I would say.

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 26/10/2020 12:50

I would contact her mother and let her know. I would also very much be trying to discourage this relationship. Do you keep an eye on your son’s phone etc?

kowari · 26/10/2020 12:54

I think I'd be more comfortable with the same age gap if she was 13 and he was almost 15. I have a 14 year old boy and I wouldn't want him dating a 12 year old child.

Original poster
Basilandparsleyandmint · 26/10/2020 12:58

Okay thank you all so much for your comments it’s reassuring that I not totally unreasonable in my concern.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 26/10/2020 13:00

I would also encourage visible dates , they are only a year apart in school years it’s just unfortunate that yours is one of the oldest and she’s one of the youngest . If you had just come on here and said my son in yr9 wants to date a girl in yr8 nobody would have batted an eyelid .

FlippinNoah · 26/10/2020 13:03

Yes, 12 years old is too young. There is a big difference in maturity at that age. But I think that gap closes as they get older.

Saying that though, when I was 14 me and my friends all had boyfriends that were 16/17, it was quite normal and acceptable. But not when we were 12, didn't even think about boys then really.

CookieClub · 26/10/2020 13:05

@Basilandparsleyandmint

That is my concern the sneaking around so am trying to not get too heavy but concerned especially with age and whilst I realise they are only a school year apart it’s actually nearly two years in age as he is one of the older ones of Y9.

He can be mature but also quite silly at times so about age appropriate I would say.

I would be encouraging them to be very sensible, go to public places together but not indoors alone behind closed doors etc. Make sure he is clued up on sex-ed, knows the law, knows him and her are far too young and that he can talk to you about anything.

Also, maybe try and meet her parents? Suggest you drop her home one time and meet the mum so you can get an idea of the dynamics...some 12 yr old girls are mature beyond their years...

Blueberries0112 · 26/10/2020 13:07

12 and 14 may not be that huge of a gap. When will she be 13? When did he turned 14? They may actually be one year older from each other but I agree with PP, it is better if they stay as friends

Pieceofpurplesky · 26/10/2020 13:12

They will sneak around if you say no and it will encourage them to be more
'In love'.

Make sure it is always in the open so they can't sneak around and encourage openness from your son.

Talk to him quite frankly about respect, sex and the law. Allow them to go to the cinema - but earlier and you pick them up and drop them off.

Banning them will cause more issues - I am sure like most school relationships it will fizzle out.

Viviennemary · 26/10/2020 13:15

I absolute would contact the mum. She is far far too young to be in any kind of boyfriend girlfriend relationship.

soundsfishie · 26/10/2020 13:18

12 and 14 may not be that huge of a gap. When will she be 13? When did he turned 14?

She isn't 13 until august. He is just 14. It's almost 2 years. Too big a gap when the younger of the two is just 12.

TableFlowerss · 26/10/2020 13:47

If that was me I would be trying to discourage a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. She’s 12, that’s so young.

Can they be friends, well yes but to even call each other boyfriend/girlfriend is too much. It gives them them the green light to start with the hand holding, kissing whatever... and I don’t think it should be encouraged at all. She’s so young

MessAllOver · 26/10/2020 13:47

I would contact the girl's mum. No way a child of mine would be having a boyfriend at age 12.