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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 years old son and 12 year old girlfriend

64 replies

Basilandparsleyandmint · 26/10/2020 12:15

Please can I have advice regarding g my DS just turned 14 and his girlfriend turned 12 in aug and in current year 8

Trying to navigate this without alienating my DS but the age gap is bothering me and wonder if I should contact her mum. I Don’t know her but do know people that know her.
He wants to meet her which is fine after school at park as close to our home and it’s for maybe up to one hour.

Now she is suggesting cinema trips for a film that starts at 8. Today meeting at park 3 miles from my house nearer hers and not sure her family is at home.
Am I just over thinking this and worrying - it’s just that he will be the one that gets into any trouble .

OP posts:
TableFlowerss · 26/10/2020 13:48

I probably sound like I was born in the 1800’s but I have a 12 year old and I wouldn’t be happy about anything other than a friendship.

Ilovewillow · 26/10/2020 13:51

I have a 12 yr old DD in yr 8 with an August birthday (she is the youngest in her year). I'm sure your son is lovely but this would not sit well with me. My daughter's idea of a boyfriend, I suspect, is not the same as your sons - nothing wrong with this but open to people getting hurt. At the very least I would be speaking to her parents who are quite possibly not aware.

madcow88 · 26/10/2020 13:53

@jennie0412

When I was 11, I was 'dating' 14 year olds, however, that's not to say I think it was a good idea. I was lucky that they were people from my school, and not random creeps (not saying that your ds is a creep! But just saying it was likely the only reason I was okay!) this was only around 5 years ago, so not something that could have changed with times. Personally, I think it depends on the situation, when I was 13 I dated a 15 year old who turned out to be very narcissistic, and abusive (sexually and mentally), but then I have also dated a 14 year old having just turned 13, and it was okay. It really depends on how far they're planning to go with each other, as most of the 'relationships' I'm talking about here were holding hands, pecks on the lips when our friends weren't there to tease us, overall very innocent, whereas when I dated the 15 year old it was sexual, proper making out etc, and for a very long time too (well, for teenagers! It lasted about a year and a half). I'm sure you know your son, and his maturity level, if he's likely to be doing anything like that then I'd step in and end it, if he's more 'young' for his age (not that that's a bad thing!) and is the type to blush after a peck on the cheek, then I would say it's okay, and just monitor it. I'm only a bit older than your son, and while I wouldn't want to date a 13 year old for example, I am an 'old' person for my age, and sadly much more mature than most, which I wish I wasn't.

However it's not just down to your son, he could be the loveliest boy but if she's a manipulative girl then stuff could not work out anyway, so I'd want to know more about her and perhaps meet her, but this could happen with a girl his age too, but I'd be more worried because of the age difference.

All the best Smile

You sound very mature for your age. Thank you for such a comment... 😊
Original poster
Basilandparsleyandmint · 26/10/2020 13:56

It seems her mum isn’t bothered like me which I am a bit surprised at so it looks like it is down to me to keep an eye on things Confused

OP posts:
jennie0412 · 26/10/2020 13:58

@madcow88 thank you Smile

ukgift2016 · 26/10/2020 14:00

I think it's strange he wants to date a 12 year old. At that age, two years is HUGE!

I would be furious if that was my daughter and I be very suspicious of the boy intentions.

Acornsgalore · 26/10/2020 14:07

When my DD had a "bf" as a young teenager (same age) , I just invited him around to our house. He ate a lot of pizza with us! And he joined in fami!y ball games, family activities, came on outings, we just treated him like a friend. They were not allowed to go upstairs though. I was helped by the fact that his mother did the same and my DD was invited to stay there with lots of other friends and older siblings and parents supervising. It's better to include them and make them welcome else they will sneak about elsewhere. Twelve is very young though although girls tend to mature faster at this age.

Acornsgalore · 26/10/2020 14:09

I'm very surprised that her mother isn't bothered ...something not quite right there I think op. Are you sure she knows?

soundsfishie · 26/10/2020 14:12

When my DD had a "bf" as a young teenager (same age) ,

On what planet is 12 a 'young teenager' Confused

She is not even a teenager. Not even close to being a teenager. She was only 12 a couple of months back.

Redwinestillfine · 26/10/2020 14:31

Just keep talking to him and keep her mum in the loop. Telling them they can't date isn't going to work, they'll just sneak around. Much better to be open and have clear boundaries. Yes pictures but you drop and pick them and she goes straight home. Ok to visit but front room only and doors open etc.

murteplod · 26/10/2020 14:33

One school year isn't a big deal though. It just so happens that in this instance, it's almost 2 actual years difference.

I think yes, hanging around parks and her house when her family aren't home is a no. I would much prefer things like the cinema. Public places, proper dates, fine. Not much trouble they can get into there.

Pyewhacket · 26/10/2020 14:35

My son is 14, all he thinks about is football. And Golf.

soundsfishie · 26/10/2020 14:36

One school year isn't a big deal though. It just so happens that in this instance, it's almost 2 actual years difference.

It's actual age that matters.

murteplod · 26/10/2020 14:37

It's actual age that matters

Is it? Maturity/development is partly influenced by peer groups, so a 12 year old in year 8 is likely to be more mature than a 12 year old in year 7.

PolarBearStrength · 26/10/2020 14:39

I wouldn’t ban it but we would be having a really long discussion about the legal and social ramifications of having a sexual relationship with a child.

Coldwinds · 26/10/2020 14:44

I’d imagine a 14 year old and a just 12 year old are a bit different developmentally.

I’d honestly put a stop to it to protect them both. Looks like her mother doesn’t care - doesn’t mean you should back of too.

As his parent you can say ‘she’s too young son’ . Keep talking it through, don’t let it become combative.

I also had a friend who lost her virginity at 12. She had an abortion at 13. The whole estate knew about it it was a humiliating and awful time for her.

Also would the school see this as a safeguarding issue? I’m sure they would.

soundsfishie · 26/10/2020 14:45

Is it?

Very much so.

The idea that a 22 month age gap when the youngest is just twelve is being excused by 'year groups' is bizarre. She is only just 12, there is absolutely no way she should be having a 14 year old boyfriend.

murteplod · 26/10/2020 14:49

Very much so

That was a rhetorical question.

iftherewereahorseyinthehouse · 26/10/2020 14:49

I don't think this is acceptable at all. 12 (and just 12) is way too young to be involved in any sort of relationship scenario. I think you need to be clear about this with your son. God knows what her mother is thinking. Have you spoken to her? How do you know she's not bothered?

Coldwinds · 26/10/2020 14:55

Also OP bear in mind that she is only 12, she’s is unable to legally give consent. If anything happens between them you could find her mother or SS pushing for sexual assault or rape.

The more I think about this make me want to think no chance!

CookieClub · 26/10/2020 14:56

@PolarBearStrength

I wouldn’t ban it but we would be having a really long discussion about the legal and social ramifications of having a sexual relationship with a child.
You realise that at 12 and 14, they are BOTH children?!

I was always very mature, so at 12 I'd have been a match, emotionally, for a 14/15 yr old lad. I don't think 12 and 14 is that different in this day and age...some of the 13yr olds at my Sons school look about 17/18 Shock

CookieClub · 26/10/2020 14:59

@Coldwinds

I’d imagine a 14 year old and a just 12 year old are a bit different developmentally.

I’d honestly put a stop to it to protect them both. Looks like her mother doesn’t care - doesn’t mean you should back of too.

As his parent you can say ‘she’s too young son’ . Keep talking it through, don’t let it become combative.

I also had a friend who lost her virginity at 12. She had an abortion at 13. The whole estate knew about it it was a humiliating and awful time for her.

Also would the school see this as a safeguarding issue? I’m sure they would.

They're all different though. My eldest Son didn't hit puberty til 14/15, whereas my 13yr old Son already has hairy armpits!!

A 12yr old girl could easily be well developed and look older, and the 14yr old boy could be petite, immature and have a high voice....regardless of this, the 'relationship' very much needs to be kept as a friendship, encouraged to be open and safe and absolutely nothing sexual..they are BOTH far too young.

Etinox · 26/10/2020 15:02

I’d be down on this like a tone of hot bricks. I’d tell him that if a 12 yo gives a 14yo a blow job he could find himself in court for rape and on the sex offenders register. I’d shock him into avoiding her like the plague.

soundsfishie · 26/10/2020 15:03

A 12yr old girl could easily be well developed and look older, and the 14yr old boy could be petite, immature and have a high voice....r

It's not a question of physical development. Mentally a 12 year old is not in an even par with someone almost 2 years older.

soundsfishie · 26/10/2020 15:04

@murteplod

You mean you didn't want your opinion questioned? There was nothing rhetorical about it.

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