Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

14 years old son and 12 year old girlfriend

64 replies

Basilandparsleyandmint · 26/10/2020 12:15

Please can I have advice regarding g my DS just turned 14 and his girlfriend turned 12 in aug and in current year 8

Trying to navigate this without alienating my DS but the age gap is bothering me and wonder if I should contact her mum. I Don’t know her but do know people that know her.
He wants to meet her which is fine after school at park as close to our home and it’s for maybe up to one hour.

Now she is suggesting cinema trips for a film that starts at 8. Today meeting at park 3 miles from my house nearer hers and not sure her family is at home.
Am I just over thinking this and worrying - it’s just that he will be the one that gets into any trouble .

OP posts:

CovidAnni · 26/10/2020 15:05

@Coldwinds

Also OP bear in mind that she is only 12, she’s is unable to legally give consent. If anything happens between them you could find her mother or SS pushing for sexual assault or rape.

The more I think about this make me want to think no chance!

If achool hear about anything sexual they’ll have to report it. Her mum might not care and wouldn’t have to report it. The police would get involved regardless of their ‘willingness’. Because at 12 she can’t consent.

Myglorioushairdo · 26/10/2020 15:09

12 year old is a child. I would explain to your son what the ages are for sexual consent, and that having a relationship with her before she's 16 is against the law and could land him in trouble. He needs to know this. Also he is too young himself to have any kind of sexual relationship. I'm not saying that's what they are doing, but these things are important to know. Maybe encourage him to bring her around to your house as a friend, not as a girlfriend. In that way you can keep an eye on them. Obviously I would talk to her parents too because of her age.

CookieClub · 26/10/2020 15:09

@soundsfishie

A 12yr old girl could easily be well developed and look older, and the 14yr old boy could be petite, immature and have a high voice....r

It's not a question of physical development. Mentally a 12 year old is not in an even par with someone almost 2 years older.

But again, that will depend on each individual. Some 12yr olds are very mature, some 14 yr olds are not.

Only the OP will know her Son and his maturity level, and she has met the 12yr old friend...I definitely think the appropriate course of action is to meet the girls family and establish that there are similar rules in place if he spends time there (ie not being allowed in bedroom etc)
If it is 'innocent' and they just go to the cinema/skating etc, not really an issue, but for all the OP knows the 12yr old is from a bad dynamic and may be instigating stuff that 12yo shouldn't be exploring...

yeOldeTrout · 26/10/2020 15:14

I imagine I would handle this by keeping the communication channels open -- talk to my DS about what he thinks a relationship should or shouldn't be for them each. The goal of the chat would be about helping them develop skills to together decide what is ok & fun & safe for both.

ODFOx · 26/10/2020 15:26

When my DC we're finishing middle school(end of year 8) most of the girls looked 18 and most of the boys looked like boys.

I wouldn't be too concerned about the age gap, just keep an eye on your boy. The lovely son of one of my best friends was demanding nudes at that age and it all got intense for a while until he remembered who he was.
An above board relationship where both parties are being chauffeured everywhere is much more likely to stay fun and light than an intense forbidden relationship. Befriend her parents: that usually cools the teen ardour a bit!

soundsfishie · 26/10/2020 15:32

But again, that will depend on each individual. Some 12yr olds are very mature, some 14 yr olds are not.

There is a reason 12 year olds are protected by law. This opinion is it

Seriously79 · 26/10/2020 15:34

Whatever you do, just keep the lines of communication open, so he knows he can't talk to you about things like this in the future x

Bbq1 · 26/10/2020 15:51

At 14, the boy is also a child who needs protecting. I agree that at 12 the girl is too young to have a bf - of any age. I think some pp's are forgetting the boy is only 14 himself and they are talking like he's a 20 year old predatory adult. He's not, he's just an older child. The 'relationship' should probably be ended.

Original poster

Basilandparsleyandmint · 26/10/2020 15:54

I have had contact with mum since starting this thread because I am massively concerned over the age difference and as some posters have mentioned the sex element and that is really what my concern is. As she is only 12 he could get himself into heaps of trouble.

I am absolutely on this and not letting it go by trying to keep lines of communication open whilst trying not to push him away to become secretive.
He knows my concerns over her age and we have had lots of chats about responsibility and respect. He is a good lad but a pretty girl who doesn’t look her age is saying lots of lovely things and he only sees the school year and not the potential danger.

OP posts:

Unicorners · 26/10/2020 15:59

I think I would contact the girls mum and see what she thinks before making any decisions. If you aren't careful you might just make them start sneaking around.

2bazookas · 26/10/2020 16:54

I'd say he is welcome to bring his friend home for family time whenever you are there. Plus you need to discuss your ground rules with both of them:

At weekends, during daylight hours, they can meet for a couple of hours max, for outdoor activities like sport or a walk. But at all times, all parents will know where they are going, when they will return. He may see this as limiting ; your line is, she is they BOTH have to prove they are sensible and reliable .

Because of her age and vulnerability: I'd say a flat NO to evening dates, teen parties , hanging out at her home when parents are out etc; And absolutely no sexual activity/touching, sexting or exchanging sexual pics.

merryhouse · 26/10/2020 17:41

@ODFOx - not that lovely then

ODFOx · 26/10/2020 19:49

[quote merryhouse]@ODFOx - not that lovely then[/quote]
He absolutely was until that happened. It shook a lot of us as we were a social group of friends with similar age DC. They moved away and all the DC stayed in touch via social media. It was my DD who told that several of the others had received dick pics and requests, and thus I had to tell his Mum. 6 months later he was a decent kid again, he'd just lost his centre to peer pressure/wrong crowd for a while.
I've been embarrassingly involved in all my DC /SDC as chauffeur/ chatter/ co-signatory on social media. 5 girls through teen age, youngest almost to adulthood. Lovely boys and girls do horrid/stupid/dangerous things and as they are still kids it's our job to step in when things are heading off course.
A y7/8 relationship should be holding hands, kissing in the cinema, watching movies in respective living rooms. No visiting each bedrooms at all, or indeed homes when parents absent, no photos, and all messaging must be open to parents. Mortifying but not unreasonable.Take the relationship seriously: invite to family events so they get to behave like kids together. Befriend parents etc etc.

Blueemeraldagain · 26/10/2020 19:58

I’m a teacher in a secondary school and any 14 year old boy there dating a 12 year old girl would be absolutely roasted as a “pedo” or “pervert by his peers. No 14 year old boy wants his mate’s 12 year old gf hanging out with them. I’d be tempted to under react and hope it runs its course. I would invite the girl around, get to know her etc and keep reminding him about possible ramifications but don’t do anything that makes them think of themselves as star-crossed lovers.

Flip

1 2 3