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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Overprotective? How often does your 15 yr old go out?

61 replies

youvegottobekidding · 07/10/2020 16:30

So our dd is 15. She hardly goes out really. She’s been asked by a few of her friends to go out this weekend, late afternoon, evening time for something to eat. It means catching two modes of transport there & two back (one to get into the city centre & one to get the the place). We’re unable to give her a lift there or back.

DH is very protective & it’s always a straight ‘no’. Every time. By what dd says, her friends are ‘always going out’ are ‘allowed out everywhere at anytime, they can basically do as they want’.

I feel for her I really do. On one hand I want her to go, but on the other hand I do worry for her. She has been out before don’t get us wrong, we haven’t locked her up!

It’s just with things the way they are as well at the moment, it’s just a bit scatty, they haven’t really made any concrete plans of where to eat, so getting in anywhere is unlikely. I know she just wants to go out with her mates & not feel left out like she usually is, if that’s actually true!

Her dad will say no straight away. She’s already getting upset about it. Just out of interest how often does your 15 yr old go out?

OP posts:
Original poster
youvegottobekidding · 07/10/2020 16:32

And just to add, a couple of times, this has happened & the ‘plans’ the friends have made seem to change at the very last moment - which makes DH suspicious that the original plans were not all they seemed to be, this why he tends to say no a lot!

OP posts:
DonaldTrumpsChopper · 07/10/2020 16:39

Will she be travelling with her friends, and do you know /trust them?

At 15, my ds went out weekend afternoons and school holidays, and would mainly walk, cycle or sometimes get the tube (not central London). I picked him up if it was dark, though.

What I wouldn't be happy with is if he'd wanted to hang out at the park or on the common, drinking vodka and dabbling with drugs, which is what half of his class were doing.

Knowing his friends, though, they were more interested in hunting for food.

Original poster
youvegottobekidding · 07/10/2020 16:51

I trust dd and her friends seem ok (her best friend she’s known since being little) is good & she’ll be travelling with her.

It’s obviously other people, strangers I don’t trust, I mean people in the city centre, I don’t even travel there anymore! It’s not the same anymore.

I question myself as obviously her friends parents are happy to let their daughters out and about.

OP posts:
CatsArePeopleToo · 07/10/2020 16:57

Is your DH a religious conservative or something? He doesn't sound normal.

StitchInTimeSavesNine · 07/10/2020 17:07

I'm pleased when my dd wants to do something nice like that with her friends. I want her to have a lovely life and do things that make her happy.

I want her to experience things so that she feels enriched and inspired to be a success.

I want her to feel confident and independent so she doesn't end up with some loser!

I want her to know what's out there and to share that with her. I want her to know we are on her team so she doesn't move out as soon as she can.

I don't want a miserable isolated teenager. Who has no experiences to draw on,.

When my dd wanted to go to the local shops on a Saturday with her friends when she was about 12 (peacocks, home bargains) I encouraged her to go to the nearest city on the bus instead. That's what I want her life to be. Not in home bargains.

Original poster
youvegottobekidding · 07/10/2020 17:07

No, not at all, he is just overprotective I think, he does need to loosen the reigns, I just don’t think he knows how to. He will have to though at some point. Better than not caring at all though eh?

OP posts:
titchy · 07/10/2020 17:12

@youvegottobekidding

No, not at all, he is just overprotective I think, he does need to loosen the reigns, I just don’t think he knows how to. He will have to though at some point. Better than not caring at all though eh?
Does he want her to leave home at 18 totally unable to recognise and deal with dodgy situations? Because unless she is able to go out and experience what the world has to offer she's going to find herself very vulnerable indeed.

Those skills are vital, and don't magically appear at 18. They need to be learnt over a number of years. Going out late afternoon, with friends, to Nando's or wherever most kids have been doing since 12 or 13.

CatsArePeopleToo · 07/10/2020 17:17

He's batshit insane then.

Crockof · 07/10/2020 17:20

Better than not caring at all though eh?

I'm not sure both can be a form of abuse. Is she y10 or 11, when is she 16? I think you risk losing her through love if this continues.

Hotelhelp · 07/10/2020 17:23

@StitchInTimeSavesNine I just want to say how much I love your post. I had extremely overprotective parents and barely any social life as a teen or now because of it. It sounds like you’ve got the right idea

Do you worry about them at all though? I want all of this for my DDs too but can’t get past the whole ‘they could be the one in one million that gets kidnapped by a nutcase’. Do you just put that out your mind?

emptyshelvesagain · 07/10/2020 17:23

That's really weird. 15 year olds go out all the time. They catch buses and trains, go for lunch, mooch about town looking In the shops etc.

emptyshelvesagain · 07/10/2020 17:25

Better than not caring at all though eh?

Not really, no. Instead of trying to offset things why don't you deal with the issue you have. The potential of not caring doesn't exist in your scenario so not if any relevance.

CatsArePeopleToo · 07/10/2020 17:27

Better than not caring at all though eh?

This sort of "caring" is what produces teen mums, drug-addicts, or at the best - kids who won't want to know you once they grow up.
I tried to be culturally sensitive, that's why I asked about religion. If it's not a thing that he wants to protect her from "harmful foreign influences", tell him to get his head out of his arse.

Crockof · 07/10/2020 17:28

[quote Hotelhelp]@StitchInTimeSavesNine I just want to say how much I love your post. I had extremely overprotective parents and barely any social life as a teen or now because of it. It sounds like you’ve got the right idea

Do you worry about them at all though? I want all of this for my DDs too but can’t get past the whole ‘they could be the one in one million that gets kidnapped by a nutcase’. Do you just put that out your mind?[/quote]
It's bloody hard. But living in fear isn't living.

titchy · 07/10/2020 17:29

I want all of this for my DDs too but can’t get past the whole ‘they could be the one in one million that gets kidnapped by a nutcase’. Do you just put that out your mind?

I wanted mine to be experienced enough to be able to spot the nutcase and avoid the situation arising.

No one puts it out of their mind (my dd is early 20's and has today borrowed the car to drive to a friends an hour away on the motorway. I asked her to text once she's arrived Blush), but you do have to get them able to deal with the world.

You'd expect your dc to be able to cross the road safely as an adult wouldn't you, without supervision. This is the same, and only learnt by doing.

Oblomov20 · 07/10/2020 17:33

Why is your Dh so over protective? He is damaging your daughter. And that's not ok. It's bad parenting. Why are you allowing this?

Both my Ds's go out with their friends regularly.

bethany39 · 07/10/2020 17:34

Why does he say no? What does he think is going to happen?

At this rate she is going to end up moving out to uni at 18 and suddenly be expected to navigate doing all these things with people you and DH don't know, in a totally new city. Far better to do it with her mates that you trust at 15/16 in a familiar place, no?

CatsArePeopleToo · 07/10/2020 17:38

A nutcase might just kidnap her from your home while you're asleep. Or on a way from school.

Crockof · 07/10/2020 17:38

@bethany39

Why does he say no? What does he think is going to happen?

At this rate she is going to end up moving out to uni at 18 and suddenly be expected to navigate doing all these things with people you and DH don't know, in a totally new city. Far better to do it with her mates that you trust at 15/16 in a familiar place, no?

And we could all spot the kids who's parents were overprotective. They were the ones who ended up in hospital /arrested /with first available partner.
Liftupthereceiver · 07/10/2020 17:44

You are very lucky she is so compliant, many teenagers would have told him to do one by now and quite frankly he would deserve it. If she is being sensible, she deserves to be treated as such. Part of parenting is giving them the tools to become independent, not holding her back. Stop backing him up when he is being an unreasonable dictatorial twat and let the girl have some fun.

dorispiffle · 07/10/2020 17:47

At 15 mine got the bus then train to go Shopping in the next city. Your daughter will start resenting you if she's not allowed to go out with her friends In comparison I used to get the train to London a couple of hours away at 14, had a part time job a train ride away at15 and went clubbing etc, I can't see why you'd keep her in

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2020 17:49

Your husband really needs to get a grip and stop treating your daughter like a daft child. Your daughter needs to start being more independent, and what she wants to do is totally reasonable. You need to have a stern word with him. Does he think he can keep her caged forever?

ScrapThatThen · 07/10/2020 17:52

Talk her through the steps to gaining independence. A daytime trip by bus into a local town with a friend. Talk her through the steps and little things she needs to know. Then an evening out with set arrangements and a time to be home by. But always be positive about her making plans, just figure out what you will say yes to and no to. And why. And remember that it is hard to get peers to adapt plans!

mumofthemonsters808 · 07/10/2020 17:55

How does he think your Daughter will cope being at University in a strange town with people she has only just meet?.In only 3 years, this could be the situation your Daughter is expected to manage, even though she has not been allowed to socialise independently in her home town.

I feel sorry for her and you must turn this around, he is being ridiculous and very selfish.She will either rebel or accept his controlling ways and end up resenting him for denying her this experience. How excluded must she feel when she hears about the meet ups, knowing she has been stuck at home.

I’m not advocating letting her run riot, but you need to allow her some freedom and trust her to behave appropriately.

AlexaShutUp · 07/10/2020 17:56

My 15yo dd hasn't been out very much recently because of covid, but she would normally go out with her friends quite a bit - sometimes to a restaurant or the cinema etc, but more often to each others' houses etc. There is always a plan, they don't really just hang around in town.

DD is sensible, and her friends are nice kids, so I don't really worry about her, but they rarely have to use public transport - I often give her and her friends lifts, or one of the other parents does instead. I wouldn't be very happy about her using public transport on her own at night, but would be fine if she was with a friend.