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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Overprotective? How often does your 15 yr old go out?

61 replies

youvegottobekidding · 07/10/2020 16:30

So our dd is 15. She hardly goes out really. She’s been asked by a few of her friends to go out this weekend, late afternoon, evening time for something to eat. It means catching two modes of transport there & two back (one to get into the city centre & one to get the the place). We’re unable to give her a lift there or back.

DH is very protective & it’s always a straight ‘no’. Every time. By what dd says, her friends are ‘always going out’ are ‘allowed out everywhere at anytime, they can basically do as they want’.

I feel for her I really do. On one hand I want her to go, but on the other hand I do worry for her. She has been out before don’t get us wrong, we haven’t locked her up!

It’s just with things the way they are as well at the moment, it’s just a bit scatty, they haven’t really made any concrete plans of where to eat, so getting in anywhere is unlikely. I know she just wants to go out with her mates & not feel left out like she usually is, if that’s actually true!

Her dad will say no straight away. She’s already getting upset about it. Just out of interest how often does your 15 yr old go out?

OP posts:

Techway · 08/10/2020 08:12

Your H will need to realise that in less than 3 years she maybe off to Uni. At that point it becomes extremely clear who has been smothered. It holds back teens academically and socially if they can't cope with real life and at 18 she won't suddenly have the skills so over the next few years he needs to ensure she has the skills.

In answer my teens go to town with friends, although local so they can walk, they give an approx idea of where they will go and approx time they will be back. They tend to communicate with me if anything out of the ordinary happens. This helps to build my confidence and their skills.

An flat out No is smothering, a discussion is healthy and productive.

Original poster

youvegottobekidding · 08/10/2020 11:26

Its not like she’s never been out before! She has, quite a few times (it’s just on this occasion, we won’t be able to offer her a lift back, usually there’s a lift back either by us or another parent) it’s probably the changing of transport in the city centre (not the best place for a group of young girls to be at that time) later at night that’s the main worry regarding this outing. We don’t have her under lock & key, as some replies make it sound like we do. Dd is fine to go if she chooses to, I’ve talked to DH & he says he’s not stopping her from going, just as long as make proper plans & stick together.

OP posts:

emptyshelvesagain · 08/10/2020 11:39

We don’t have her under lock & key, as some replies make it sound like we do.

Those replies were based on your OP though. This in particular...

DH is very protective & it’s always a straight ‘no’.

You can't really blame people for concluding she has no freedom.

Even expecting concrete plans at 15 is ridiculous. Mooching about town and doing as you please is very much part of the enjoyment.

Sleepingdogs12 · 08/10/2020 11:52

I thought this was covid related to start with. I think by 15 she should be going out fairly freely in the day/early eve as long as you are happy with her friendship group and she's not expecting endless supplies of money to fund her trips out . The worries you are talking about seem like the ones I had when mine were first going out at 11/12. I had a restricted life as a teenager too and I was proud that my children had the confidence and friends to go out with. She is really missing out.

StitchInTimeSavesNine · 08/10/2020 11:52

Your OP was full of how she never goes our and how your husband just says no to her going out and how her friends are allowed out but she isn't.

I'm going to the city tomorrow to renew my bus pass. What else I will do will just depend on how i and the friend I am meeting feel. What I have for breakfast will have some bearing on the situation. As will what my friend wants to do. I'm not going to tell her we can't go to Waterstones because it's not been ore-planned. Going to the city is not a 'concrete plans' situation, especially when you are going with other people.

Crockof · 08/10/2020 11:57

Your update is completely different from your op. You obviously posted because you knew your dh was being unreasonable, don't let her down.

Sleepingdogs12 · 08/10/2020 12:00

Your first post said 'going out in the evening 'now you say she's changing transport 'later at night' people have been posting about general ideas of freedom for a 15 year old , now it transpires this is a very specific situation . No point getting annoyed at people getting the wrong end of the stick if you aren't giving the right information.

HowFastIsTooFast · 08/10/2020 13:42

@youvegottobekidding

DH is very protective & it’s always a straight ‘no’. Every time

These are the actual words from your OP. You can't really blame people for therefore thinking you've got DD under lock & key?

Rollergirl11 · 08/10/2020 15:07

Another one here saying you can’t expect cast iron plans from 15yr olds. DD (14) goes out to meet friends most weekends. Their plans are constantly changing, someone drops out last minute, another one comes along last minute, they decide to go to Nando’s on a whim, then back to someone’s house, then I’m asked to pick up 30 mins earlier or later, and then oh can I drop such and such home on the way too. It’s the nature of being a teenager and gaining independence. Don’t assume there’s something fishy going on. I expect DD to keep me up to date on where she is if it changes and a bit of notice if am picking her up from somewhere but other than that I trust her to be safe.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 11/10/2020 23:28

We had a change of plans with our DD last night and it did result in an argument and her not going. Essentially, she was going on a date with a boy (her age) whom she'd met once before. Originally, they were going to the mall for a couple of hours, but then his parents said no and she was invited over there.

We weren't comfortable with her going as we don't know the family at all (and she hardly knows him) plus it was a bit of a drive....cue bust up! In the end, she went out locally with her one of her best friends.

You can set boundaries, but not kill their social lives, imo. Once she's met this boy a few times, I'll be more comfortable with them hanging out with parental supervision.

Moonshinemisses · 11/10/2020 23:38

When mine were that age they were out probably 3/4 evenings a week and most of the weekend. They had a bus pass to get around and a phone to check in. I would ask them to check in and let me know roughly what the plan was and whatime to expect them home. Teenagers don't really make firm plans.

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